Doncha just hate those pompous, asinine books and stories telling us what we need to do before we die, and what to see before we die, and what to eat before we die? Yeah...me too.
But in honor of my bovine ancestors, who did nothing but eat and follow the herd, I too, shall steal ideas from others and present this latest steaming pile of pootie we shall call "Sport-tackular Events You Simply Cannot Miss:"
Kentucky Demolition Derby
A dozen or so drug-crazed, hate-infused horses, mounted by scrawny, undersized human guinea pigs, rampage recklessly around the hallowed oval of Church Hell Downs, endangering anyone and everyone within earshot and eyesight. The winner takes home some uber-allergenic flower bullshit, while the losers are ground up into food for dogs and the local Kentucky populace.
College hoopdom’s crowning moment, as 65 teams made up of idiots, boneheads, and stooges, battle on the hardcourts for bragging rights and loose, fat ugly women. The best teams are those that cheat a lot and cover up their crimes, i.e., any program led by coach/creep John Calipari.
Perhaps America’s greatest dog and phony show. Pro football’s top two teams hit the field behind their behemoth, crack cocaine-fed tubs o’ goo anchoring the offensive and defensive lines. Only the strong survive in this contest of beef, brawn, beer and big bulbous butts.
What could be more entertaining that watching a small army of emaciated foreigners parading around Beantown over a 26+ mile course for a couple hours or so? How about those same emaciated foreigners parading around Beantown over a 26+ mile course for a a couple hours or so wearing nothing but the most revealing thongs? This, kittens, is entertainment at its best/worst.
Racin’ fans already chow down on enough on greasy fried pig entrails, corn likker and hush puppies to keep the Confederate flag a-flyin’ for the next century or so. But when those goodies are piled high enough to hide a flannel-shirted beer gut, well, you know you have a the bighest ol’ stack of Southern Fried artery cloggers south of the north. Top drivers gorge themselves to sleep before putting audiences to sleep with their redneck freepin’ and gleepin.’
Naval War College World Series
Lovers of our national pastime gather every year in Nebraska (a large, bland state somewhere in the Midwest) as top admirals and other military leaders square off in a contest for the (stone) ages. Although it takes some of these old, lowly-decorated war vets hours to circle the bases, it does dispense a tasty dollop of humor when they break out their ceremonial swords and challenge the umpire’s calls.
NCAA Gymnasties Tournament
First off, nobody cares about the men’s competition. But those tightly-bunned hotties prancing and dancing around the mat…and those muscularly-legged babes bouncing up and down on the balance beam…and those bodaciously-bodied hose-queens stretching and straining their ample curviness on the parallel bars and the pommel horse, well…let’s just say I always rise to the occasion when these lovely ladies strut their stuff.
The Stanley Kubrick Cup Playoffs
What do you get when you cross a bunch of big, tough, toothless Eastern-Europeans who skate fast and hit hard with one of Hollywood’s most famous and famously kooky directors? Why, you get the most excitement available, that’s what. Why, who can forget the legendary “A Canuckwork Orange,” “Full Metal Jacket For My Teeth,” “Ice Wide Shut,” “A.I. – Artificial Islander,” and “2001: A Space Ottawa?”
Bore de France
Steroid-fed lunatics race their bikes up and down the Pyranees, up and down the Eiffel Tower and up and down the cobblestoned, still bombed-out crater-filled streets of Paris and whatever other cities there are in France. Winners wear yellow vests and are allowed to direct traffic for a month after the event.
So what if soccer is the most popular game on Earth. That just shows how stupid people are. Still, fans from across the globe gather for the Hurled Cup, which makes the rest of us, true fans of true sports, hurl our meal across the room in a unifying show of disgust.