BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP YEAH!!!!!!! Welcome Gabbers and others to my NASCAR updates and others fast stuff. Baby you can drive my car edition. It is now 91 days, 15 hours, 51 minutes and an eternity till the February 22, 2015 Daytona 500 as I start to write this last 2013 season entry.
Crazy stuff has been happeneing. Buffalo got buried in 100 feet of snow and actually had to move their football team to another stadium. I wonder if we'll ever see a NASCAR race get snowed out. Actually I'd love to see a race in the snow. Get those studded tires out boys.
Did you know Manson has a girlfriend? Actually she's his fiance and she says they'll be getting married soon. They have their marriage license and once a month the prison allows marrages. Says she's working hard at getting him a retrial and getting him out. Bet everybody is just looking forward to that party. Don't think there's going to be a going home party any time soon.
HARVICK VISITS LETTERMAN ON HIS VICTORY TOUR
So Kevin Harvick stopped at the Letterman Show to talk to Dave and give his Top 10 Tips For Becoming An Auto Racing Champion. And here we go....
10: Hands at 10 & 2 while driving - 11 & 1 when celebrating.
9 : Reduce weight of the car - Take out Brakes
8 : During the race, save your energy for the post race brawl
7 : There's no rule about slashing your opponents tires.
6 : No sex the night before the race - Or during the race
5 : Don't waste time learning to parallel park.
4 : A pit stop should only be long enough to lick the windshield.
3 : Resist the temptation to take a mid race selfie
2 : Remember : If you lose you don't have to do Letterman
1 : Accept the fact that your ass will never stop vibrating.
Letterman was just one of many stops for the NASCAR Champion Victory Tour. I hope Kevin's little boy Keelan gets to see daddy real soon. Kevin says he's not happy right now because daddy has been gone too long.
CHASE ELLIOTT TO GET A HANDFULL OF CUP RACES IN 2015
The plan is that Chase will do another year full time in Nationwide for JR Motorsports and get a handful of Cup races driving for HMS to get experience.
He's only 18 years old, just graduated high school and won a championship in a top NASCAR series. How cool is that?
Kasey Kahne just re-upped for 3 more years. Jimmie Johnson is signed till the end of 2015 and is looking for his new contract. Jeff Gordon has a life time contract. Dale Jr isn't going any where any time soon. My guess is that 2015 will be Gordon's last season to drive. His back could go out for good with any race. He'll be a boss or part owner at HMS. Hendrick lost his son, Ricky and heir 10 years ago in the plane wreck. So Chase Elliott will have a ride in the HMS stables come 2016.
Congrats again to Chase for his Nationwide Championship.
HOMESTEAD RACE RECAP
Very eventful race. Gordon was on the pole and he led 161 laps but a decision late in the race to pit by crew chief Gustafson mired Gordon too far back in the pack to get back up for the win. He took full responsibility for that decision.
For most of the race Hamlin, Logano, Harvick and Newman were up in or around the top 10. Hamlin led 50 laps and Harvick led 54.
With 19 to go there's a caution. Hamlin, Gordon and Vickers stay out. Logano's jackman drops hid car off the jack with no tires on it. A very lengthy and costly pit stop takes Logano out of contention. He never recovers. Top 5 is Hamlin - Gordon - Newman - McMurray - Keselowski
Hamlin takes the lead for a brief time. With 13 to go there's another caution and this time Gordon goes in for tires. BUT Hamlin stays out. Top 5 is Hamlin - Newman - McMurray - Keselowski - Harvick
Harvick goes up the middle on the restart from 5th to 2nd behind Hamlin and with 8 to go he takes the lead.
With 6 to go another caution. Top 5 is Harvick - Newman - Hamlin - Keselowski - Menard......remember my dark horse top 10 favorite?
With 3 to go we restart. Hamlin spins his tires and Harvick takes the lead with Newman in hot persuit.
Your Top 15 Finishers - Harvick - Newman - Keselowski - Menard - McMurray - Kenseth - Bowyer - Johnson - Gordon - Ku Bu - Kahne - Larson - Dale Jr - Allgaier
Congrats to Kevin Harvick for your 2014 NASCAR Sprint Cup Championsip.
TOP 8 DRIVERS IN THE POINTS STANDINGS AFTER HOMESTEAD
Harvick----5 W's----20 Top 10's----2 DNF's (Did not finish)
Newman---0 W's----16 Top 10's-----1 DNF's
Hamlin-----1 W-------18 Top 10's----2 DNF's---Missed 1 race for eye issue
Logano-----5 W's----22 Top 10's----4 DNF's
Keselowski--6 W's---20 Top 10's----1 DNF
Gordon-----4 W's----23 Top 10's----0 DNF's
Kenseth----0 W's----22 Top 10's----2 DNF's
Dale Jr-----4 W's----20 Top 10's----2 DNF's
OTHER RACE NOTABLES
1 : Knaus and other HMS personnell were called to the NASCAR hauler after the race. During the race Jimmie had come in with a loose wheel. This had created a problem tightening down the next wheel so Knaus called for a wheel spacer so that they could get the lugnuts tight on better threads further up on the studs. A NASCAR official said they couldn't do it and Knaus went ahead and had it done any way. Thus the need for a chit chat with NASCAR after the race which turned out to be a misunderstanding. No penalties.
2 : The #17 team (- Driver Ricky Stenhouse) had rear suspension parts confiscated during prequalifying for the Homestead race. Crew chief Mike Kelley got a $50,000 fine and probation from 1-1-15 thru 6-30-14. Car Chief Patrick Magee got the same probation.
3 : Gordon hit a mile stone during the race. He took 2nd place from Mark Martin for the most Top 10's with 454. Who's first? Richard Petty with 712. Don't think any body is going to get that record.
NASCAR is now over for this year. I'm over for the night too. Got a big day tomorrow. Taking #2 grandson to a Day Out With Thomas The Tank Engine. Living so close to the Strasburg Railroad has it's perks. They have an awesome railroad museum and they built life size Thomas and Percy locomotives. Hollywood also comes calling to borrow the trains too. We'll be doing crafts, pictures with the trains & Sir Topemhat AND A TRAIN RIDE. #2 grandson will be thrilled. He loves choo choo's.
Hang in there Gabber's and others. It looks like a scary winter coming up. Be safe and I'll see you around.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the long awaited return of the YouGabSports Turkey Bowl, presented by IHateMillen. This year, we’ve assembled 32 of the biggest douchebags, assholes, jerks, and just all around jokes in the world of sports here at beautiful JerryWorld, home of the world’s biggest jumbo-tron and ego. As part of this agreement, Jerry Jones will not be a part of this year’s 32-man tournament, and we get to use the facilities for free! Best yet, all members of the major sports media, ESPiN, FOX, CBS, and NBC, have been banned from entry here.
Before we begin the night’s festivities, let us take a moment to honor America. Tonight’s flag bearers are the Gab’s very own proud veterans: ScottJax, B.O.B., and OlHarry, who is accompanied by his Marine daughter. Thank you all for your service to this country:
Tonight’s first bout is scheduled for one fall. As is the case with every Turkey Bowl fight, there are no rules, no regulations, and the fight goes until one fighter can no longer continue. Starting the evening off is a Turkey Bowl winner in Alex Rodriguez, as he faces baseball’s young upstart douchebag Yasiel Puig. Puig has done some pretty stupid things in his limited time in the Biggs… but he’s nowhere near dry humping himself in the mirror status just yet.
Well ladies and gentlemen this is what we’ve been waiting for. Puig is a young man with impressive power and all five tools. He faces a man once thought to be baseball’s next big thing in Alex Rodriguez, who has been dogged by rumors and just finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs all this time. Of course, he waited until after the ink was dried on his contract extension to do so!
As the bell rings, Rodriguez makes the fight’s first move, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. Puig is a bit surprised by this move, waiting to see what his opponent will do next. Rodriguez pulls out a wad of cash, more American dollars than his opponent has ever seen, seeming to say there’s more where that came from. With all the well-documented legal battles Puig is involved in stemming from his Cuban defection, you wonder if he’ll lay down for A-Rod here. Sure enough, it looks like an agreement has been reached between the two, and Rodriguez will move on to the next round. This is just the kind of thing you hate to see… what a disgrace this guy is both to the game of baseball and the death match world. Rodriguez moves on, and Puig gets to settle a few legal issues. He saves his pretty face for the fists of his next opponent.
Up next, another former Turkey Bowl Champion takes the ring as LeBron James faces off with a man he has a sordid history with, former Pacer and current Hornet Lance Stephenson. LeBron’s douchebaggery is well documented world-wide… but what about Stephenson you ask? Well, before he was blowing in LeBron’s ear during the playoffs, Stephenson was raping classmates in high school (allegedly), and pushing women down stairs later on (allegedly). We’ll see if the young, hungry Stephenson really has what it takes to go toe to toe with Jesus Christ in a headband, LeBron James… the man who has “saved” Cleveland simply by coming home.
As this bout begins, Stephenson seems to be on top of his game and in the head of James, who looks like he wants no part in an actual fight. Stephenson lands a few rights, now a left, and, what’s this? That Cleveland Cavs fan that burned his LeBron James jersey after “the Decision” comes running down to the ring, wearing his newly purchased LeBron Cavs jersey… and he’s going after Stephenson. LeBron takes advantage of the distraction and grabs a steel chair, scrambling what little is there of Lance Stephenson’s brains and picking up a round one win.
Coming up next, we’ve got the highly anticipated matchup of the Sherriff Roger Goodell, who looks to cover his own ass as he takes on Ray Rice, the man he suspended indefinitely from the game he loves so very much. Roger is not the favorite of most people… but who will this crowd of feminists that has gathered at ringside side with… a man who had zero intention of pushing their agenda in Goodell, or a man who cold cocked one of their fellow ovary carriers on that Atlantic City elevator? All I know is, this is one ugly scene here at ringside… literally. All these broads, and not a looker in the bunch!
To kick the match off, Goodell begins scolding Rice on behavior “unbecoming of an NFL player”. Rice soon tires of this act, and begins beating Goodell as if he were his fiancée. But Goodell is no dummy, he brought the NFL’s PR team to ringside with him, and he plans on using them. A distraction from a pair of lawyers gets Roger back on top, and it looks like he’s going to cruise to a win here. But wait, what the hell is this? It’s DeMaurice Smith… he puts Goodell in his patented Lockout submission maneuver! Roger has no choice, he’s got to tap, and Ray Rice moves on to our next round.
Coming up next, two overhyped, overachievers take the ring as Johnny Manziel, backup NFL quarterback, takes on Jameis Winston, future backup NFL quarterback. Whose douchebaggery will reign supreme on this night? We’ll find out as tonight’s action continues:
These two young men are known for avoiding the big hit, but tonight, they look to land the big hit on one another as Johnny Football takes on Jameis Winston here at Turkey Bowl 2014. Johnny and Jameis start things off by exchanging immature gestures… Johnny throws up his little money sign, while Jameis stands on the top ropes and yells “Fuck her right in the pussy” so everybody can hear what a massive douche he is. Each young man owns a Heisman Trophy, so the next few moments break down into what is nothing more than a pose-off. Johnny takes a moment to go out and talk to his celebrity entourage, which includes Justin Bieber for some strange reason. This provides Jameis with the opening he needs, as he is able to lock in a single leg Boston Crab on Manziel… Manziel has no escape, and taps out, giving the big win to Jameis Winston. Looks like the curse of Bieber strikes again!
Next up, two of the biggest douchebags ever to meet in the first round of the Turkey Bowl extravaganza as Dick Sherman prepares to square off with Kobe Bryant. Dick made headlines many times with impressive feats of douchebaggery since the 2013 NFL playoffs… but he cuts one hell of a promo, doesn’t he? Kobe has run everyone off in LA, and is now going it alone with a virtual army of nobodies leading a terrible Lakers squad. Sherman definitely has the edge on trash talking, as he unleashes a barrage of barbs upon Kobe to begin the festivities. Kobe, never one to back down, returns fire, and the two get the fight underway. No flopping here folks, there are no NBA refs in this arena. Eventually, Dick Sherman’s youth wins out and Kobe is defeated. After the match, Sherman finds the most easily startled reporter at ringside and screams “I am the best fighter in the game, when you try me with a sorry fighter like Kobe that’s the result you gonna get”.
With Kobe gone now we move on to our next matchup, and it’s one with a lot of bad blood involved… Ryan Braun brings his performance enhanced brand of rage into the ring against the best chemist in the game, Anthony Bosch. Bosch sold Braun out after supplying him with the goods. Unless Bosch took some of his own “medicine”, there is only one realistic outcome to this fight. Sure enough, like a walk off blast, Braun makes short work of the sellout, and moves on to round number two.
Next up, a matchup that features a ton of swagger… Floyd Mayweather Jr. faces an opponent that will actually fight back… unlike his baby mama… Swaggy P, otherwise known as Nick Young. I’m honestly not sure why he calls himself this… or what in God’s name it means… but that is apparently the man’s chosen nickname. Much like what a drunk Nick Young claimed he’d do to Iggy’s ass on TMZ, Floyd does to Swaggy P here, using that million dollar punch to move on to the second round.
Coming up next, we’ve got another pair of abusive pieces of shit squaring off… one likes to abuse children, the other likes to damn near kill a porn star. Adrian Peterson hits the ring to face off with MMA fighter and current inmate War Machine, who was granted special privilege to come out here in hopes that someone would beat the living hell out of him! AD gets things started when he pulls a switch out and starts to whoopin’ War Machine. Evidently AD doesn’t know when to stop, because he stops too damn soon here, and the War Machine goes on the attack. It might not be as easy as working over Christy Mack, but War Machine does just enough damage to pick up the win over Adrian Peterson. This piece of garbage moves on to our next round.
We’re halfway through the first round of Turkey Bowl 2014, and we’ve seen some big names come and go. A-Rod, LeBron James, Ray Rice, Jameis Winston, Richard Sherman, Ryan Braun, Floyd Mayweather, and now War Machine represent the first eight to make the leap to round number two.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are receiving word of a developing situation out in the parking lot area… we now go to a live feed out there where it appears the members of the assembled sports media, including members of the ESPiN, FOX, and NBC Sports teams are now becoming involved in some sort of altercation out there. Tempers have boiled over, and now it seems they will all have a go at one another out there. Chris Berman gets his back, back, back, back broken in at least five places as this thing really starts to turn ugly. It is fairly clear that NBC and FOX have agreed to some sort of alliance in order to get the upper hand on the “Worldwide Leader”, as now Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayliss are now out of commission. Somehow, Stephen A. Smith seems to have been castrated here… it looks like Terry Bradshaw just kicked Skip Bayliss right on the bottom jaw, causing this unfortunate disaster!
Jalen Rose seems to have talked his way into a corner with Howie Long and Michael Strahan, as the two make quick work of his puny frame and poor grammar skills! ESPiN is in some serious trouble ladies and gents. Even the ladies are getting into the action… Erin Andrews thought it was an appropriate time to stop and talk about digestive health with her former colleague Hannah Storm… but Hannah has none of it as she uses a trident to get a firsthand look at the innards of Mrs.Andrews. After the dust settles, the ESPiN crew lays in a battered, broken pile. Stewart Scott is over in the corner holding a football he thinks is Chris Berman’s head, but otherwise the entire ESPiN noise machine has been silenced. The FOX and NBC sports teams are victorious, as they execute the before-fight promise to sacrifice that smarmy little windbag Bob Costas to their Gods (Murdoch and Burke)as tribute for victory. Now that’s what you call a win all the way around!
Over on the other side of the parking lot, there is a suspicious looking vehicle with the windows rolled up and what looks like four men sitting inside. Our cameras zoom in to find four guys who were scheduled to fight tonight… Josh Gordon, LeGarrette Blount, LeVeon Bell, and Justin Blackmon all sitting in there, apparently passing around a blunt! As smoke billows out of the car, the four men get out and just sort of wander off… well, it looks like a new record for this year’s Turkey Bowl… no NFL wide redivas make an appearance!
Next up, we’ve got Sidney Crosby taking on fellow NHL douchebag Brad Marchand. We’ll see how the face of the league fares against one of the dirtiest pieces of shit, on and off the ice, in the league today. Crosby starts thing off by surprising the entire audience by actually fighting and not ducking out of the way… incredible. Marchand is no stranger to the pugilistic arts, and returns fire. Once Marchand gains the upper hand, he beats Crosby like a casino security guard, gaining the victory and then stripping down to his birthday suit while yelling “I am above the law”!
In our next fight, we’ve got two of the biggest douchebags in all of college sports, as championship coaches square off when Nick Saban meets John Calipari. Will Calipari live up to his one-and-done reputation tonight? Saban is much better known for winning the big one, but he is also well known for being a crybaby and an asshole. Saban is on fire as we get things underway, and he looks like he’ll cruise to an easy win… but suddenly his cell phone rings. His face lights up and he quickly jots something down and runs from the ring… leading to a count out win for Calipari. Calipari picks up the note that Saban left behind and it reads “Got a better offer from Dana White, so I’m gone. You knew what this was.” Can’t say I’m surprised by the guy’s lack of morality or loyalty here… but I am surprised to see John Calipari make it to the next round!
In the ring now, Jay Cutler prepares for his bout with the Brewers eccentric OF Carlos Gomez… a guy who has ruffled more than a few feathers in Major League Baseball with his youthful exuberance and lack of respect for the unwritten rules of the game. This Midwest showdown comes your way, right now! Cutler starts off well, landing a few glancing blows on Gomez, who seems more interested in showing off than he is in winning this fight. But, sure enough, Cutler telegraphs his next few punches and is intercepted… and Gomez takes full advantage. He’s even got time to stand there and watch his own handiwork on the jumbo screen above as he polishes off the Bears QB… Carlos Gomez makes it to round two.
If you didn’t expect many NHL players to make this tournament, you were misled. Another all-NHL matchup comes your way now, with Patrick Kane facing off with career douchebag Matt Cooke. Cooke seems to have the edge here… his dirty tactics have drawn the ire of fans for years now. But don’t underestimate Patrick Kane… turn your back on him and he’ll drop you like a disgruntled cab driver! While Kane puts up one hell of a fight, it is Cooke who moves on to our next round after yet another douchy knee-to-knee hit to Kane, which puts him down for the count.
If you thought the Seahawks-49ers rivalry couldn’t get any bigger, you were wrong! Right now, Seahawks coach Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with a guy who just doesn’t seem to “get it”… 49ers OLB Aldon Smith. Smith has a huge size and athleticism advantage, and Carroll seems to be at a gigantic disadvantage… truly a David vs. Goliath style match here. Things start out predictably, as Smith has a clear early advantage over Carroll… he’s being tossed around like the quarterbacks Aldon Smith terrorized before being suspended for the entire first half plus of this NFL season. Suddenly, the department of homeland security arrives and ushers Aldon Smith off to a “private screening area”. Smith will most definitely be counted out here… seems like he still hasn’t learned a damn thing from last summer’s incidents… you just don’t call in fake bomb threats. Smith gets himself another body cavity search from the blue gloves, and Carroll finds a way to move on to our next round in a shocking upset!
Up next, a couple of racist tools take the ring as Percy Harvin faces off with embattled former Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Harvin has the obvious physical advantage here… just better hope he doesn’t come down with another migraine… or turf toe… or nobody breathes on him! Harvin looks like he’s ready to fight here, angry with Sterling over his alleged racism, when suddenly he sees Blake Griffin in the front row, and takes the time to hang over the top ropes and yell a few things at him about not being black enough. While this is going on, Sterling, clearly suffering from some sort of early-stage dementia, wanders off and gets counted out. Harvin celebrates his victory, but suddenly gets blasted from behind by Griffin. Harvin moves on, but his head will be ringing from that shot as the next round closes in. The crowd goes wild for Griffin, who announces he must leave to go shoot another terrible commercial for some random product nobody needs.
This has been quite a night so far, with just two first round matches left to go. We’ve seen a lot of crazy shit thus far… and we’re sure to see even more in our next battle with two massive men hitting the ring. Professional jerk ass Richie Incognito (he sure as hell isn’t playing football anymore) faces off with a different kind of bully… the woman beating douchebag Greg Hardy of the Panthers. Incognito starts things off by resorting to his old tricks, mocking Hardy and his legal woes. Hardy goes into a rage, battering the bully with lefts and rights, but Incognito quickly shows Hardy that this abuse victim actually fights back, unlike the woman Hardy beat half to death and threatened with a pile of guns in his apartment (allegedly). Incognito clearly has the upper hand here, until suddenly Jonathan Martin appears, hitting Incognito, the man who bullied him out of Miami, with a steel chair and giving the momentum back to the woman beater, Greg Hardy. Hardy takes full advantage, and he’s moving on to the next round!
In our last first round matchup, massive asshat Dwight Howard faces off with flop master Dwyane Wade in what should be a real test of wills… the wills of everyone watching that is. Howard immediately starts off by crying to the referee, who is confused since he’s really only there in spirit! Howard doesn’t really seem to understand this, and he continues jawing at the ref. While he complains, Wade comes up behind Howard, who flails his arms out in frustration. Wade is nearly elbowed in the face… and flops over. The referee begins the ten count, and Wade continues to roll around on the ground. After ten seconds of this, Wade is out, and Dwight Howard becomes the final member of our 16-man contingent to make the second round of Turkey Bowl 2014!
As we move on to the second round, here is a list of upcoming mathcups:
A-Rod vs. Ryan Braun
LeBron James vs. Dwight Howard
Matt Cooke vs. Brad Marchand
Jameis Winston vs. Carlos Gomez
Dick Sherman vs. Percy Harvin
John Calipari vs. Pete Carroll
Tag Team Match: Mayweather/War Machine vs. Hardy/Rice
To kick off the second round, we’re going to have a tag team matchup between NFL spousal abusers Ray Rice and Greg Hardy and two fighters who take their aggressions out of the ring and into the home in Floyd Mayweather Jr. and MMA fighter War Machine. The special celebrity guest referee for this match will be Dog the Bounty Hunter… the man who was finally able to bring War Machine to justice after his run from the law. “I want a clean fight brah… go with Christ”. Rice and Hardy begin to argue over who has to get into the ring first, while Mayweather and War Machine argue over who gets to start off the match. To kick things off, the smaller duo of Mayweather and Rice face off. Rice doesn’t seem to want anything to do with this matchup, but he can’t outrun Mayweather. Eventually, Mayweather corners him and proceeds to knock the hell out of him with that famous right hook. Meanwhile, War Machine has had enough waiting, as he goes after Hardy on the outside. War Machine completely decimates Hardy, putting him through the Spanish announce table, and Mayweather continues to make short work of Ray Rice. Really sucks when somebody beats the hell out of you, doesn’t it Ray? Eventually, Dog the Bounty Hunter calls for the bell and this massacre is over… Floyd and War Machine advance to the “Elite 8” of sports douchebaggery.
Next up, Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with John Calipari… two guys who made a ton of money off the backs of college kids now need to make their money on their own. Coach Cal hears a rumor that this fight could very well be in violation of NCAA rules, but of course that’s never stopped him before. Still, he feels a strange wave of conscience come over him and attempts to tell the referee that he forfeits; but it seems that Pete Carroll got the jump on him. Despite the fact that he’s no longer an NCAA coach, he heard about potential sanctions and jumped ship before Calipari even had the chance out of pure instinct! Coach Cal moves on to the Elite 8 for a change and Pete Carroll backs his way out of trouble yet again!
Next up, two former teammates square off as Dick Sherman faces off with Percy Harvin. Harvin’s head is still ringing from the post-match beating he took from Blake Griffin, and Sherman is well aware. After an extensive amount of trash talking worsens Harvin’s migraine headache, Sherman seals the win with his Pick Six move. Dick Sherman moves on, and it looks like Percy Harvin is going to be out of action for another year or so… sorry Jets fans!
Next up, rape and crab leg enthusiast Jameis Winston faces off with the passionate Carlos Gomez. Both are fine athletes in the primes of their careers, and Gomez takes an early advantage. After getting Winston down, he proceeds to take a little too much time taunting Brian McCann, who is sitting at ringside for the fight. McCann decides he’s seen enough, and gets up to confront Gomez. Just then, Winston hits a blatant low blow, then once again locks in that Boston Crab maneuver. Gomez has no choice but to tap out… and once again the Boston Crab proves to be an effective weapon for Jameis. After the match, Jimbo Fisher joins Winston in the ring, holding his hand up high and claiming to be the one who taught him that maneuver.
In the next match, two men who are hated by fans, opponents, and teammates alike, as Matt Cooke takes on fellow ice-douche Brad Marchand. Something seems off right away, as Marchand is slurring his speech and stumbling around a bit. I just received word from an anonymous source that Marchand was just thrown out of Mo’s Tavern a few minutes ago after having a few too many Fred Lite’s and getting fresh with OlHarry. Cooke takes quick advantage, and moves on to our next round.
Next, we have Dwight Howard, who breezed through his last matchup against his first opponents’ former teammate, LeBron James. These two massive egos square off to become the NBA’s sole representative in the Elite 8. Early on, Dwight takes advantage of his size and reach advantage, pummeling the chosen one with right hooks and elbows. But LeBron turns things around by tossing talcum powder right into the big man’s eyes. Howard is completely helpless, and James shows a little killer instinct for a change and is able to finish things off like an uncontested dunk. James moves on, and as usual Dwight Howard falls short of his goal.
In our final Elite 8 matchup, two of the biggest shames to the game of baseball square off as Alex Rodriguez takes on Ryan Braun. Both men are linked to the Biogenesis scandal, and both were wronged by Dr. Anthony Boesh. Braun got his revenge earlier, while Rodriguez was able to defeat his unenhanced first round opponent, Yasiel Puig. This will be a truly performance enhanced matchup, and power will be at a premium. We’ll find out which man had the better chemist as the fight begins. Braun and Rodriguez start things off by denying their use of PEDs to one another… then Rodriguez flip flops a bit and admits to using something back in 2001 when he was in Texas. Braun remains steadfast… but Rodriguez cracks and admits that yeah, he might have used them when he was in New York, too. Braun seems conflicted… should he admit it, or should he continue to deny? As he ponders this, Rodriguez commences to the corner of the ring and proceeds to dry hump himself in the mirror his handlers set up for him before the match.
Braun quickly takes note of it, and knocks Rodriguez clean through the mirror, cutting him badly. The blood is everywhere, as this is beginning to look like an easy win for Braun. Braun continues the beating, when suddenly a windowless van drives into the arena. It’s A-Rod’s cousin… A-Rod’s cousin is back again! In the confusion, he slips something to A-Rod… Rodriguez injects the substance, and is reinvigorated by the injection. Braun is powerless to stop him as Rodriguez’s superior “skill” and “ability” is on full display. Showing the kind of power that Yankees fans hope for this season after a full year away from the game, Rodriguez overcomes his early troubles and is able to defeat Braun, proving that even after a year out of action, he’s still the biggest douchebag there is the sport!
We’re down to our last eight competitors… after two grueling rounds; Alex Rodriguez, LeBron James, Matt Cooke, Jameis Winston, War Machine, Floyd Mayweather, and John Calipari are all that remain in the race to see who the biggest piece of shit in all of sports is for the year 2014! Who has what it takes? Who will reach down the deepest and become our new champion? We’ll find out, coming up next!
Now we’re back, and in our first Elite 8 matchup, Matt Cooke faces off with college football’s biggest bad boy, Jameis Winston. Cooke has a clear fighting advantage here, as Winston is just a quarterback here. Cooke has been through a couple of wars already, while Winston has used his love of crab to move on in both rounds. Cooke will have to avoid distraction in order to get out of this one… and he’ll have to avoid that half-Boston Crab Winston has used in both his fights thus far. Cooke gets off to an emphatic start, going knee to knee on the Heisman winner. But Winston saw it coming, and with Cooke laying on the ground in pain, pulls out his steel knee pad and throws it out of the ring. After an elementary application of his now famed half Boston Crab, Cooke turtles and taps, and Jameis Winston is the first of the four participants to qualify for the Fatal Fourway to determine the 2014 Turkey Bowl Champion!
Up next, Dick Sherman hits the ring for his matchup with punkass pugilist Floyd Mayweather Jr. Mayweather has breezed through Swaggy P and the team of NFL woman beaters, but Sherman should be a real challenge for him. Sherman ducks a barrage of punches by Mayweather, landing a few jabs of his own before unleashing a barrage of verbal abuse towards Floyd. Suddenly, Sherman’s LOB teammates jump over the safety railing, entering the ring and backing up their leader. Earl Thomas hits Mayweather with a spear, and Lane and Maxwell follow up with a double powerbomb. All Sherman has to do is gloat as Mayweather lies in a pile. Sherman lives up to his earlier boasting, and he’s in the finale!
In our next fight, LeBron James is a huge underdog as he goes up against trained MMA fighter War Machine, who was allowed out of prison for the night in hopes that he would take a real beating. But, despite an initial switch beating at the hands of Adrian Peterson, he’s gone relatively unscathed so far. Before the fight can even begin, there is a commotion at ringside. James awaits his opponent inside the ring, but it seems something is wrong backstage. It seems that unlike his failed prison suicide attempt, War Machine has finally succeeded at something in his life, hanging himself from an air duct in the back. Seems nobody here at the Turkey Bowl cared enough to cut that piece of trash down this time around. LeBron avoids a beating, and the world is a better place without that sack of shit around.
We’re now down to our last semifinal match, with Alex Rodriguez facing off with Kentucky Wildcats head coach John Calipari. Coach Cal begins things by trying to tell a funny story about Anthony Davis’ eyebrow… but A Rod is having none of it. He finally sees a chance to win something legitimately, as Calipari is an easy opponent for him. For the first time since high school (allegedly), Rodriguez does things the right way, and easily defeats Calipari to move on to our finale!
So through three rounds of fighting we’ve whittled away 28 other contestants and we’ve got the four biggest douchebags in sports ready to battle it out to see who truly is #1! Former Turkey Bowl Champions LeBron James and Alex Rodriguez are odds on favorites, but Dick Sherman and Jameis Winston both have strong games when it comes to being a massive asshole. Will we crown a new champion, or will the wily veterans pick up yet another Turkey Bowl trophy? We find out right after this:
Ladies and gentlemen, we are back, and our main event is set to begin. Four men, one ring, one champion… a Fatal Fourway matchup to determine who is the biggest douchebag, piece of shit, fuckstick, ass-licking motherfucker in all of sports. As the bell rings our four competitors circle, each trying to get a feel for their opponents. LeBron makes the first move, taking Winston’s legs out, seemingly angry about the beating he gave his boy Johnny Manziel earlier in the night. Rodriguez and Sherman begin shoving and Sherman is trash talking as usual. Rodriguez hits him with a performance enhanced right hook, which knocks his jaw out of place! Finally someone has shut this guy the hell up! As Rodriguez continues pummeling Dick Sherman, Jameis has turned the tables on “King James”, and has him set up for the half Boston Crab again! LeBron goes for the talcum powder to the eye trick again, but Winston sees it coming and ducks out of the way. As James attempts to regain his composure, Winston climbs the ropes and hits him with a Crab Leg Drop. Rodriguez has eliminated Dick Sherman… and he turns his attentions to Winston, who is about to eliminate LeBron. Rodriguez makes the save, and the two former champions start to work together against the young upstart. With Sherman out, it’s up to Winston to ensure there is a new champion this time around.
Winston runs the ropes, and ducks under a double clothesline attempt by James and Rodriguez. Winston then lands a roundhouse to the back of A-Rod’s head, putting him down for the count. But LeBron takes advantage and puts Jameis up into what looks like a torture rack… a throwback to the days of Lex Luger! As James struts about the ring with Winston over his shoulders, Rodriguez is counted out. We’re now down to the final two folks! Winston is in a bad way as he begins to fade… it looks like LeBron James is going to become a two-time Turkey Bowl winner! All of a sudden on the big screen, a video plays of Tim Duncan and Greg Poppovich turning up the thermostat! James watches in horror, and works feverishly to try and get Winston to give up. Soon, the temperature rises, and suddenly James gets “them cramps” again.
Winston takes advantage and gets out of the hold, and James rolls around on the mat. Jameis, never one to pass up the opportunity to take advantage of someone or something, locks in the half Boston Crab once again… and James immediately starts tapping out! Jameis Winston has done it! Jameis Winston is the Turkey Bowl champion!
We now go live to ringside with Jameis Winston, who is joined by Coach Jimbo Fisher.
IHM: Jameis, how does it feel to know you are the single biggest piece of shit in the world of sports today? Of all the douchebags out there, you are #1!
Winston: “If I’m-a do it then, I’m-a do it big”
IHM: Right… so how does it feel knowing that despite “allegedly” being a rapist, thief, and dumber than a fucking rock that you’ve overcome all the odds and proven yourself here on this stage?
Jimbo: This interview is over.
So as Jimbo Fisher ushers Jameis out of the arena with his newest trophy in tow, we say goodnight to all of you. Thanks to everybody out there for doing stupid things and making this so very easy for me! As they say in my old neighborhood… play stupid games, win stupid prizes!
We are one week away from Turkey Day, can you believe it?
I have several things on my mind this week. Some I’m not sure if I’m barking up the right tree. This week was kind of salute to soldiers I guess I looked at as a total marketing thing from the NFL . What the NFL is doing is donating 100 dollars per point in all salute to soldiers games for three worthwhile organiziations. The Pat Tillman Fund, The USO, and the Wounded Warrior Project. Each team will host a salute to soldiers game this month, I’m thinking or at least I hope the merchandise sale of all the Cameo stuff with your team emblem on it helps support these organizations and help make the 100 dollars a point happen.
The Sheriff came down hard or Adrian Petersen can I just voice my opinion on this here and now. I don’t give a rats ass about Adrian Petersen or Ray Rice for that matter. I think the Commissioners scolding of Petersen in the letter he sent was justified. I also think all these pundits saying we must do whats best for the league and Adrian are full of crap. We must do what’s best ffor a four year kid and hopefully Adrian remembers which four old from which mother.and makes it right for both of them.
Uniforms enough is enough, I can’t tell who is who anymore.. Boise state don’t where all Blue against the Blue Turf it’s a mecca for seagull poop.
Go Head try to find the Boise State Players
Yes they have a seagull problem they have had it for years. The poor bird Brains think the turf is the ocean crash bang need I say more. Miami Dolphins Teal on Teal against a green Field really wear white pants or white shirts all you needed was ateal helmet.
Miami Dolphins Teal shirts and teal pants agains a green field
The Packers what was that uniform on Sunday? Lombardi Is rolling over in his grave. Go back to green and gold.
Look at #78 or is that 718 Can you Imagine Mean Joe Greene or Jack Lambert in these.
Do You see a difference between those and these?
Pittsburgh seriously don’t where those prison , three stooges uniforms any more Black and Gold and your not doing any favors fo the girthy guys in those.
Hey it was fun with Maryland and Oregon we could make fun of them. But the U I couldn’t tell it was the U the other night against FSU. Oklahoma State Really Go back to white helmet with an Orange OSU make Pistol Pete proud.
I like throwbacks in the NFL as much as the next guy I’m not offended when the Cowboys break out the white helmets with the big Blue Star or the Lions where their regular uni with no emblem on the helmet. I just think we have gone too far with the college uniforms and I hope the NFL doesn’t follow suit.
Jonias Grey rushed for 201 yards on Sunday Night I was thinking remember when a hundred yard game was special.. It brought back memories of October 18, 1976 a Monday Night game at the time with 6year old Foxboro Stadium Quarterback. Steve Grogan rushed for 103 yards against Joe Namath and the Jets. The Patriots won 41-7..
There have been a lot of 200 yard rushing games in recent years. It got me thinking about why and how. The answer I believe is simple the NFL is a passing league and the run is used to compliment the pass. The defenses are mainly man and zone coverage without getting into a bunch of schemes that result in man and zone coverage. Defenses simply don’t play the run. When an offensive line controls the defensive of line in a game the result is a big day for the backs. The league has gone from a running league to a passing league. Lets tally up some points with big plays is the thought process.there are some throws that act like runs 3 or 4 yard passes in the flat 5to 7 yards across the middle. The days of Riggins right, Riggins left and pass on third down are gone for the most part but a solid game play that exposed a really weak run defense sometimes brings those days of run first pass second back.
Boys again played a decent game on Sunday they couldn’t bye a bounce. I have to give Coach Glen some credit. Lil lanz was playing Defense and he did everything he could on one play just trying aggravate a kid just trying to break him up and run him wide and did but some how the puck bounced in. Lillanz came back to the bench head down coach Glen went over gave a tap on the helmet and gave him a lil back rub told him he did a good job on the play. That’s coaching.
Last Friday Night the MRS and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary at a very nice asian restaurant. They had a combination menu of both Japanese and Chinese . I got a teriyaki steak that was cooked to perfection with lots of veggies. The Mrs went for the yerayki Chicken it was a nice night out.
Winter is setting in. It gets darker early and the sun seems to want to sleep in rather than deal with the cold. Baseball is done for the year. We all know that each spring baseball will come back and with it the warm memories and rich lore that comes with it. For now, we just weather the storm.
Things are truly at their coldest now. All we have to tide us over are winter meetings and salary cap info. Everything is cold and impersonal. Things got a lot colder in Pittsburgh. The Pirates have been a great MLB story. They gave PA something to cheer about even well into October. Heck, they renamed the month Buctober. A big reason for the recent success has been the acquisition of Russell Martin. Martin provided a big bat to protect Cutch and did a great job of managing the Bucs starting rotation, even after free agents like A.J. Burnett had come and gone.
The last Pirates game I was able to go to, I watched Martin hit a bomb in the 9th to give the game over to the Pirates. The team was still struggling to keep pace in the Wild Card. No one sat down after that. The whole city was showing its appreciation. The man next to me turned to high five me and said “They need to give him his money.” Most of the fans stayed after the game to here Martin thank everyone for their support as the local ROOT TV reporter asked him about winning the game.
It seemed like a no brainer that the Pirates would keep Martin. As of now, the Pirates have the 26th highest team salary in the majors. The Dodgers are spending three times more. The Giants have a salary roughly double what the Pirates are working with. Last season, Martin made $8.5 million. The Pirates had money to spend. The Pirates had time to think and made a qualifying one-year offer of $15.3 million. Now, the money isn’t the issue. They doubled the man’s pay which is fair considering all he’s contributed. The question raised is why they wouldn’t be willing to offer Martin more years.
The Blue Jays swooped in and offered a 5 year deal worth $82 million. They gave Martin roughly 2 million more per year, but, more importantly, they gave him 5 years. I know there is a lot about baseball financing that I don’t understand. I also really don’t want to. I love the game. I don’t generally care about the funding. Moves like this, on the other hand, get frustrating.
Perhaps I got spoiled in Detroit. The Tigers will always be the team I pull for above all others. In recent years when we had a hole, Illitch found money and addressed those needs. Victor Martinez could have become a free agent, but he won’t because Detroit gave him a big four-year deal. Victor is huge for the team. He protects Miggy and gives us a lot of runs each year. Still, he does decidedly less than Martin did for the Pirates.
The Pirates are noted as a stingy franchise. They don’t shell out a lot and try to get what they can on the cheap. That is respectable, but fans are going to expect to see ownership make more of an effort to keep guys like Martin.
On the flip side of my problem, you have the Miami Marlins. The Marlins started off the season looking like they could be a surprise again, but faded in the second half. Still, they have one of the most promising player in the game in Giancarlo Stanton. They rewarded their young superstar with the richest contract in American sports history; a deal that is $50 million richer than A-Rod’s contract.
On occasion, the Marlins will spend money, often copious amounts. The problem is they have a horrid track record. They are, as an organization, putrid. Toxic. They have a bad habit of getting respectable teams together and then scrapping them, as they did a few seasons ago by trading most of their free agents splurges to Toronto. Why they would suddenly spend so much on Stanton is a mystery. Stanton is young and extremely talented. That part is clear. The Marlins, however, don't have’ a track record of keeping their young talent (see Miggy). It goes against what you could call their organizational model. Aside from the money, it also seems like a bad idea for Stanton. The Marlins don’t have the track record or patience to build a team around him. Let’s hope for his sake they have re-organized.
Much like winter, baseball spending is cruel. It raises hopes and dashes them all at the same time. The money and numbers can break your heart. Sometimes they force everymen out of town. Sometimes the money gives an opportunity in the least likely circumstance. It’s an ugly part of a beautiful game. It’s all we have to look forward to until the thaw.
You'd smile too if you was getting the jack he was...
Greetings from the Hoodwood where the snow falls and my fantasy team is falling apart…
MLB: Stanton gets paid
I like Giancarlo Stanton. He is a talented outfielder for the Miami Marlins who is fast growing a rep for being one of the best young sluggers in the game, finished 2nd in the NL MVP behind Clayton Kershaw and might have won it had he not missed the last three weeks of the season with a frightening injury after getting hit in the face with a pitch. Stanton has routinely smashed long homers and is gaining the title of one of the best young sluggers in the game but with still two years to go before he would hit the free agent runway, many pundits felt that while Stanton would continue to see his paychecks increase he was still a couple years from the Yankees, Red Sox or hometown Dodgers swooping in with a monster contract and spiriting him out of perennially cash strapped Miami. The Marlins however did a total script flip and stunned the sports world by inking Stanton to a stunning 13 year $325 million dollar deal. That $25 million a year kids. The deal makes Stanton the richest player in team sports, period. The deal makes the Pujols, Fielder, Cabrera, Trout and Votto deals look like bargain basement raids. Stanton is a quality player and the Marlins were prescient in locking him up but 13 years? Stanton will be a Marlin unless they decide to fire sale and the only teams that will be able to afford him would be the big markets, so one wonders how wise this deal really is. If Stanton is getting $325 million how much will players like Clayton Kershaw and Andrew McCutchen get?
College Football: Is Bama back?
You had the feeling that Nick Saban and the Crimson Tide were playin possum, that they watched as first Ole Miss then Mississippi State took the early reigns as College footballs top dog, knowing sooner or later that they would have a hand in their downfall. Though the Tide had a couple games where they would be pushed to the brink, most notably the OT thriller in Death Valley against LSU, they continue to move stealthily if not steadily up the ranks and after dominating then #1 Mississippi State in a 25-20 win that was not as close as you would think, the Tide now seem poised to get back on the inside of the college football playoff picture. There are other contenders to be sure, Oregon, unbeaten Florida State and a growing list of 1-loss teams like Ohio State and TCU but Tide are there to many of the Tide haters’ chagrin.
NBA: Is Kobe getting his comeuppance?
I grew up loving the Lakers, I was a big Kareem and Magic fan. I wanted to play that roughneck defense like Michael Cooper and the team just seemed like the essence of cool. When the Lakers fell on hard times after Magic retired, I still was a fan at a distance since they had drafted a fellow Bearcat Nick Van Exel (I even had his poster) But when the Lakers pulled a draft day coup to acquire the precocious Kobe Bryant (most forget he was not drafted by the Lakers but by the Charlotte Hornets, the team that is now the New Orleans Pelicans not the current Hornets) I fell out of favor with the Lakers. Despite the fact that they had acquired Shaquille O’Neal. There was just something that always rubbed me the wrong way about Kobe. I always thought him too preppy and not a real urban baller. Did he have game, there was no denying that fact. I just thought he was just a suburban rich-nik who was the beneficiary of having a ball player father and was more snobby than baller. The more I tried to like Kobe the more he kept coming off a self-centered spoiled asshole. After he got caught up with rape accusations in 2004, he just seemed like he was trying to weasel his way out of the charges. The fact that he more or less first paid hush money to the alleged victim then tried to implicate Shaq on the sly made him seem more weasely to me. Throw in some selfish play like no shooting in a whole quarter during a critical stretch in an elimination game in the playoffs and the Kobe mystique to me was always tarnished. But the Lake Show was always in contention and when they fell on some harder times and missed the playoffs, I really didn’t feel sorry for him, I knew that the Lakers would bounce back and Kobe would be playing for a contender. He led the Lakers to titles in 2009 and 2010 and kept them in contention for years but the signs of wear were showing, the Lakers were crumbling and were not able to lure talent to LA, nor keep the talent they had. Players like Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol left at the first chance that they could get leaving Kobe all by himself. His Kobe against the world mantra is not playing very well and with the cross-locker room Clippers now the “it” franchise in LA the Lakers are not even the marquee team in their own building, heck some would say that they are third behind the LA Kings who have won two Stanley Cups in the past three seasons. The Lakers are just plain horrid, and they have limped out to a 1-9 start dead last in the West even behind the neophyte Timberwolves. Lake Show fans put on a brave face but the reality is Kobe is the centerpiece of a shell. A team that once was great and now scares no one, though Kobe thinks that he can will his team to wins like Jordan did. Kobe aint MJ and won’t get any more titles, unless he jumps to the Clippers and tries to gravy train to a title which aint guaranteed in the uber deep West. He opined late last week that he was “jealous” of the Spurs, a team that has aged quite gracefully and to Kobe’s chagrin has as many titles as he does. The reality is that Kobe is reaping what he has sown and like a punch drunk boxer who is hanging on too long, doesn’t quite get that his time has passed.
PHAT DAP/HEAD SLAP
Goes to Wisconsin Running back Melvin Gordon III who rushed for a mindboggling 408 yards last Saturday. Now keep in mind a few things. Gordon did this on 25 carries, in 3 quarters and against…Nebraska. No not a directional FCS team. The famed blackshirt defense of Nebraska. How dope was the performance. Gordon outrushed a teams rushing output for the year in ¾ of a game. Gordon had 408 yards, Wake Forest has 341 yards for the entire season! Gordon broke the record set in 1999 set by LaDainian Tomlinson who gave Gordon mad props via Twitter for breaking his record. Hoodwood salutes Gordon on an unreal performance.
To Tony Williams the selfish Saints fan that got in the middle of what should have been a cool exchange. Bengals tight end Jermaine Gresham scored his 2nd receiving touchdown in the midst of the Bengals 27-10 rout of the Saints in the Superdome on Sunday. Gresham tried to toss the ball to Christa Barrett a Bengals fan formerly from Versailles, Kentucky now living in the Big Easy. Williams elbowed Barrett out of the way and snatched the ball Gresham was trying to toss Barrett’s way then sat tone deaf as Barrett pleaded for the ball. Williams claimed he didn’t intend to elbow Barrett and was getting the ball for his grandson but instead came off looking like a chauvinistic self-centered asshole. The story does have a happy ending as not only the Saints gave Barrett a ball which she would donate to the Cincinnati Children’s hospital but Gresham autographed another ball and gave it to Barrett.
I love the 24 hours of hoops going on today. You can guarantee that Hawai’i will be in the mix for that super late/super early game
Why is my fantasy team crumbling?
Bad week for the Mannings Eli looks like a boob in Gotham and Peyton has a horrid day in St. Louis
After much ado about the Bengals looking bad in primetime, they bounce back whip the Saints and are back in first
Will seven wins take the NFC South while there could be as many as four teams winning ten and sitting home?
I think the MVP voters got it right with Kershaw and Trout
The less you mention to me how horrible my picks were this week the better off you are...
Why do the pundits want Cincy to jettison Johnny Cueto so bad?
My beloved Bearcats tried to give it away but they bounced East Carolina and not only are bowl eligible for the 8th time in 9 years but still has an outside shot at taking conference.
My alma mater Mt. Healthy is shooting for its first ever regional title as they take on Cincinnati LaSalle at 12-0 the Fighting Owls are having their best season ever and I’ll be there to watch them hopefully take the next step to the State Semis!