Yeah. It ain't nuthin' new. In fact, it's more trite than a pie in the face gag. But so what? Limited talent breeds limited output. And with that, let's just skip any other formalities and introduce yet another diseased carcass of crap we like to call "Headlines We'd Like To See...But Never Will..."

1. Tommy John To Perform Tommy John Surgery On Wainwright
2. Per BYU Requirement,  Freddette Engaged To Five Hot Cheerleaders
3. NHL’s Canucks Lead League In Something
4. Daytona Champ Bayne Flunks License Driving Exam
5. Golf’s Match Play Shit Less Interesting Than, Say, Playing With Matches
6. Cranky UConn Coach Calhoun Calls Critics Cockbites, Cunts
7. Illiterate SEC Players Gear Up For NFL Combine
8. Nuggets Place Melo’s Sleeve & Headband On Waivers
9. What? Kiffin Involved In Chicanery? Who’d-a-Thunkit?
10. Construction Begins On Steinbrenner’s New Mansion
11. Buckeye Hoopsters Eager To Copy Football Team, Lose Championship
12. Bronco Boss Fox (Tee-Hee!) Names Orton (Ho-Ho!) Next Season’s Starter (HAA-HAA!)
13. Attendance At Women’s NCAA Basketball Games Leaps From “A Few” To “Several”
14. Illiterate SEC Hopefuls Gear Up For Spring Practice
15. NFL, Players’ Reps Overheard Giggling & Playing Yahtzee
16. Drunken Cabrera Tries To Get Into Leyland’s Pants
17. Source: Car Racing Ties Bass Fishing As Biggest Pile Of Sports Shit In USA
18. Rex Ryan Guarantees Super Bowl Win, Followed By Massive Weight Gain
19. Pissed Off Pistons Piss On Practice Participation
20. Illiterate SEC Dumbos Think Doubleplay Column Is Funny, Original