Editor's Note:  Since “The Onion” was already taken, and “The Bunion” has been tried by some lame college students back east, the only thing left is “The Grunion”, a group of fish that spawn on the beaches of Southern California at certain times of the year... just like athletes...

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Following the lead of pro sports, a lockout in college football is planned for the 2013 season. Unlike the NFL, NHL, NBA, and MLB, CFB will lockout teams, not its players. While at first this may seem confusing, it actually makes perfect sense. Players will be allowed to play similar to previous years, however each school will be locked out of the annual National Championship game unless its membership is transferred to the SEC, thus avoiding another pitifully lopsided affair...

The conference will play a bunch of practice games, then have a 64 team tournament to determine the National Championship. Should a non-current SEC team mistakenly qualify for the finale against a current SEC team, they must win a best of three to prove that they really are that good, not just a fluke. If a current SEC team wins game one, it will be declared National Champions so as to not waste time and further embarrassment to the wannabe...

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The National Baseball Hall of Fame has announced a surprise “non-baseball player” for next year’s ballot. This previously unprecedented move became precedented when the committee appropriately selected the name of former cyclist Lance Armstrong to appear on its ballot. Unlike the 75% needed to become an HOFer, Armstrong only needs to surpass Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens in votes to become enshrined, which will probably happen rather easily. Though he has never played a game in the major leagues, Lance has been pitching his innocence when it comes to Performance Enhancing Drugs... and catching a lot of criticism as well...

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The revitalization of the famous soap opera “General Hospital” appears to be a reality as members of the Los Angeles Lakers will have major roles (as patients) in the pilot episode. The remake is predicted to do quite well, but just like its current NBA season, will probably be a major disappointment because Kobe Bryant plans be in every “shot” while delivering about 95% of the lines...

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And speaking of being in every shot, the NFL has announced that it will not show play-by-play action of this weekend's playoff game between the Baltimore Ray-vens and the Denver Broncos. The game, which has been moved to ESPN for obvious reasons, will feature just one camera, focused on Ray Lewis 100% of the time. When Ray makes a tackle, you will see it. When Ray relieves himself at halftime, you will see that, too. All commercials will feature Ray Lewis as well. This is probably the last time we will see Ray Lewis until he is enshrined (by himself and no one else) in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Therefore, ESPN has decided to call the event, “All Ray, All the Time.” When asked if he feels the audience will enjoy the “Ray-gasm”, Chris Berman replied, “We think so. That’s why we decided to take a ‘stab’ at it.”

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dvt

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The chase to 4,000 hits?? Melky stupid?? Women in Augusta?? Roger pitching?? All this and more in this “buring” edition of…..

Phyllis Diller passed away at the age of 95.

Its hot as hell outside (it was 101 degrees) and your going to sit on a black marble bench that is obviously hot. What do you think is going to happen? You guessed it. You burnt your butt. Jennelle Carrillo, two years after the incident, decided to sue the Dallas Cowboys and owner Jerry Jones because she suffered third-degree burns to her backside.

Your batting .346 with 11 home runs and 60 RBIs, the MVP of the All-Star game and then you test positive for testosterone. What else could go wrong?

It looks like Melky Cabrera paid $10,000 to have someone create a fake website that would show he had bought a substance and didn’t know it was banned to avoid his 50-game suspension. It was uncovered by MLB investigators.

Melky should be banned for 200 games.

In a move that was long overdue, Augusta National Golf Club, will admit Condoleezza Rice and Darla Moore to the former all-male club in October.

Derek Jeter is now 1,000 hits away from Pete Rose. Jeter is 38 and has played for 18 years. He averages 207 hit’s a year. Do you think he has a chance to break Pete Rose’s record?

So Roger Clemens is going to pitch for the Sugar Land Skeeters, an independent Atlantic League team. What’s the motive? Does he want to make a comeback? IS he doing it for the $$$. Or, is he doing it because he is bored??? Only Roger knows what’s going on inside his brain. If he does pitch his name will be removed from next years Hall Of Fame Ballot with the likes of Sosa and Bonds on the ballot.

DeSean Jackson is telling everyone that he did not give it his all last year so that he wouldn’t get hurt before he could sign a new contract. Really! You sure it wasn’t just a shitty year for you so you needed an excuse? Now you have your new contract and your going to give it all you got. What happens, DeSean, when you miss a pass, or a pass is slightly overthrown. Will it be because you didn’t give it your all?

It made for interesting buzz around the NFL when cameras showed Andy Reid and defensive tackle Cullen Jenkins having a “friendly discussion, up close and personal” during a game against the New England Patriots. Is this a sign of things to come with the Eagles?

Congratulations go to Will Lucas who tossed a no-hitter in a Little League World Series game in South Williamsport, Pa.

All right. Tell the truth. How many of you tried this at home?? I know I did!!

Tell Next Time

Scott

Independent League teams often make interesting moves to create sideshow and draw fans. From Jose Canseco to Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, the Independent League is where former ball players go to live on, even after their skills have eroded.

So it was of little surprise that Roger Clemens, a sideshow unto himself, announced that he was signing with the Sugar Land Skeeters and will make his first start on Saturday night. It was of even less surprise that the 50-year-old Clemens, freshly exonerated of federal perjury charges, considers this the first step in making his way back to the Major Leagues. With his Hall of Fame status in doubt, despite his innocent verdict, Clemens making a Major League comeback at 50+ years old would perhaps bolster his case for Cooperstown.

But in an interesting sub-note to the Clemens story, it appears that Clemens is not the only former Major League star using Sugar Land as his vehicle for a comeback. Could Scott Kazmir enter stage left?

Baseball fans remember Scott Kazmir, especially those of the Tampa Bay Rays and New York Mets. At 20-years-old, Kazmir was a part of one of the most lopsided trades in the history of baseball when then Mets general manager Jim Duquette dealt Kazmir to the Rays for Victor Zambrano in a move to bolster the Mets rotation heading into the postseason.

Zambrano, 28 at the time of the trade, would make only 49 more appearances and 34 starts over the next three seasons before arm troubles ended his career. 

Meanwhile, Kazmir made the leap from Double-A to the Rays rotation and immediately became a sensation in baseball. He would win 10 or more games in each of his four full seasons in Tampa with a collective ERA of  3.51 from 2005 to 2008. He would lead the league in strike-outs with an outstanding total of 239 in 2007. Kazmir was well on the way to being a star.

However, a funny thing happened on the way to stardom; his short-comings caught up to him. Poor pitching mechanics lead to control issues, which hampered his leap to the next plateau. Those same pitching mechanic  issues also lead to pesky injuries, first with his legs and then with his shoulder and elbow. With his price tag going up after signing an extension in 2008, and his effectiveness wearing down, Kazmir was dealt to the Los Angeles Angels in a deal that sent Sean Rodriguez to Tampa.

His impact in Los Angeles was immediate, as he went 2-2 with a 1.73 ERA in six starts for the Angels. However, Kazmir was ineffective during the postseason, going 0-1 with an ERA over 7.00 across three appearances. The struggles, both with health and performance continued for Kazmir in 2010 as he went 9-15 with a 5.94 over 18 starts. Kazmir would pitch just one game in 2011 before earning his release despite being owed $14.5 million in guaranteed money.

After that, Kazmir has sort of dropped off the baseball map, first attempting a comeback with in the Dominican Winter League, but made just one start. When Major League teams did not come calling, Kazmir went looking to the independent leagues.

And that is where we find him now, uncovered by the dust-storm swept in on the Clemens wagon train. Now pitching for the Sugar Land Skeeters, Kazmir is still looking for that former magic. After 8 starts, he is 0-5 and has lasted just 29.2 innings, putting up 26 strike-outs and a 7.89 ERA. Put further into perspective, former outfielder turned pitcher Jason Lane is also in Sugar Land. Lane has started 11 games and is 4-4 with a 2.99 ERA and 54 strike-outs over 74.1 innings pitched.

So while the Clemens tries to find the shadow of himself in Sugar Land, a 28-year-old former ace is just trying to remember what it was like to be something of consequence in a game he loves. 

Unfortunately, not all of those stories have happy endings.

Hey there Gabbers. Anyone else baking out there? We made 95 here in the metro Detroit area. You know it’s warm when you hit 95 before summer’s officially started. Not only that, I believe this was our 5th 90 degree day of the year so far with number six coming tomorrow. Looks to be a nasty summer.
 

The last day of our technical camp is tomorrow. The kids have been making some strides and we’re starting to see who is going to step up and be leaders on the team. We had some fundraising activities last weekend. We had our Gratiot Cruise and sold spots in the high school parking lot. We made a decent chunk, but the turn out wasn’t as great as we expected. That’s lead to ideas that the Gratiot Cruise may not go on officially too much longer.
 

Of course, on the heels of that statement, Detroit mayor Dave Bing has announced that next week’s Hudson’s Fireworks may be the last as the city can’t afford the necessary police presence. They’re threatening the same for the Thanksgiving Parade they do here in the city. These are landmark events for Detroit and I don’t know how they can just let them go. We already made the mistake of letting the Michigan State Fair fade out of existence. I suppose we can either hope for more corporate sponsorship or another city to take these events on. I find threatening events like this a cheap ploy by desperate people to gain funds. These are the few times everyone’s eyes are on Detroit for a positive reason, so Bing and the rest better do what they can to keep those events here.
 

I’m not disappointed to see that the Roger Clemens trial is over. That was a boring enough trial to put jurors to sleep and the outcome was pretty predictable. If the Feds couldn’t gather enough to put Barry Bonds away, then what chance did they have with Clemens? I just hope this last loss was enough to stop future federal investigations/trials of athletes. It gets a bit embarrassing after a while when we can’t develop a good enough case.
 

Of course, now the debate over how the public will handle Clemens begins again. He was acquitted, but is that enough to get him a place in the Hall? The Black Sox were acquitted and still don’t have a place in the hall. The public was outraged enough with them. I don’t know how the public feels about Clemens. People certainly seem to believe that Bonds and McGwire took steroids, but I get the feeling that a lot more people are divided on Clemens. I think if he took them, which would not surprise me, he did so in the capacity that Petitte did: to prolong his career. Once the Rocket got older, it was harder to recover from start to start. It’s certainly still cheating and it gave him far more starts than he might have earned, but if there is no credible proof, I don’t know if you can leave him out based on suspicions.
 

Turning to pitching in today’s game, how interesting is the race for the NL Cy Young looking? Sure, we have a whole nother half a season to go, but there are 3-4 valid candidates for the award right now. The favorite is the Mets’ R. A. Dickey who has a pair of one hitters (one of which could have been ruled a no-no) to go along with his 11-1 record and 2.00 ERA. What’s even crazier is the fact that this is a knuckle baller. After Wakefield retired, a lot of folks weren’t sure we’d ever see another dominant knuckler in the game. Some people didn’t think a pitcher throwing in the 70’s or 80’s had a prayer. Dickey is still holding on and he’s got the Mets into second place and Wild Card contention.
 

Then you have Matt Cain who’s riding the tide of his recent perfect game. Aside from that, Cain is 9-2 with a 2.34 ERA. Stephen Strasburg is looking every bit the part his number one draft pick, future phenom billing described. He’s 8-1 with a 2.45 ERA. I haven’t even mentioned that all three of the guys I mentioned so far have around 100 strikeouts so far. Dickey is leading with 103, while the others both have 100 exactly. Cincy’s Johnny Cueto has his team in first and may be, if not the best pitcher, the most valuable Johnny since Johnny Monkey. Cueto has an 8-3 record with a 2.38 ERA.
I hope this continues to be a battle down to the stretch, though I’m on record picking Cain.

A lot has been made of the increase in no-nos and perfect games, but I think a lot of baseball guys love it. It’s easy to love a homerun. Chicks dig the longball. Still, a no-no can have its beauty. The miraculous defensive plays (Wise’s catch a few years ago comes to mind) combined with the almost supernatural calm and command of the ordained pitcher just make it so compelling. Even when asked what they’d rather see, a four home run game or a perfect game, most fans pick the perfect game.  It’s a harder feat and arguably a far more dominant display.

Well, that’s it for me this weekend. I’m off to help install some passing offense. By which I mean, of course, hoping that my guys realize we are passing and that they’re pass sets aren’t sloppy. Thanks for reading and any comments you may leave. I leave you as always with your word of the week and some bonus mummies.
 

Bi Polar Coaster, noun

When you or someone you know is in a relationship where one or the other experiences extreme emotional highs and lows on pretty much a daily basis.
 

Derek's girlfriend is freaking out agian, he can't come tonight he is riding the bi polar coaster.

His ex rode the bi polar coaster all the way to crazyville

The first thing to hit you when you stepped into the batter's box was the stare. It came out from under the bent brim, with the only the eyes being visible behind the curtain of impossible shadow that fell across the scowl on his face. That stare could look right into the soul of a hitter and know almost instantaneous whether or not he had him out before he even threw a pitch.

And more often than not, he did.

For those of you familiar with the Oakland Athletics of the late 1980's and early 1990's, you know that while the press chose to spotlight the exploits of the Bash Brothers, Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco, that these teams dominated because of one simple rule; pitching wins ballgames.

And no other pitched on those staffs better personified that mantra than Dave Stewart.

Quick pop quiz for the baseball fans out there; who was the last pitcher to win 20 games in four consecutive seasons? If you said Dave Stewart, you would have won a lollipop. From 1987 to 1990, Stewart went an amazing 84-45 with a 3.20 ERA, 41 complete games, and 718 strike-outs.

What makes Stewart's statistics even more impressive is the fact that he never finished higher than second in the Cy Young voting, despite consistently winning games and leading the league in complete games twice during the span. Each year, there always seemed to be at least one pitcher who out-shined the erstwhile Oakland ace. Here are the voting results:

1987

1988

1989

1990

Needless to say, Stewart was easily the most dominating pitcher of the period. Put aside the four-consecutive 20-win seasons for the time being. Of the group above, Stewart was the only player to finish in the top-four of the Cy Young voting during each year of that period and the only one to do so twice in the same period aside from Clemens. That alone is huge when you consider that we are talking about Clemens during his utmost dominance, before Brian McNamee, not to mention Frank Viola and Bret Saberhagen.

So to you Dave Stewart, we here at The Baseball Big Brother Project offer you a tip of the cap!