Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the long awaited return of the YouGabSports Turkey Bowl, presented by IHateMillen. This year, we’ve assembled 32 of the biggest douchebags, assholes, jerks, and just all around jokes in the world of sports here at beautiful JerryWorld, home of the world’s biggest jumbo-tron and ego. As part of this agreement, Jerry Jones will not be a part of this year’s 32-man tournament, and we get to use the facilities for free! Best yet, all members of the major sports media, ESPiN, FOX, CBS, and NBC, have been banned from entry here.
Before we begin the night’s festivities, let us take a moment to honor America. Tonight’s flag bearers are the Gab’s very own proud veterans: ScottJax, B.O.B., and OlHarry, who is accompanied by his Marine daughter. Thank you all for your service to this country:
Tonight’s first bout is scheduled for one fall. As is the case with every Turkey Bowl fight, there are no rules, no regulations, and the fight goes until one fighter can no longer continue. Starting the evening off is a Turkey Bowl winner in Alex Rodriguez, as he faces baseball’s young upstart douchebag Yasiel Puig. Puig has done some pretty stupid things in his limited time in the Biggs… but he’s nowhere near dry humping himself in the mirror status just yet.
Well ladies and gentlemen this is what we’ve been waiting for. Puig is a young man with impressive power and all five tools. He faces a man once thought to be baseball’s next big thing in Alex Rodriguez, who has been dogged by rumors and just finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs all this time. Of course, he waited until after the ink was dried on his contract extension to do so!
As the bell rings, Rodriguez makes the fight’s first move, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. Puig is a bit surprised by this move, waiting to see what his opponent will do next. Rodriguez pulls out a wad of cash, more American dollars than his opponent has ever seen, seeming to say there’s more where that came from. With all the well-documented legal battles Puig is involved in stemming from his Cuban defection, you wonder if he’ll lay down for A-Rod here. Sure enough, it looks like an agreement has been reached between the two, and Rodriguez will move on to the next round. This is just the kind of thing you hate to see… what a disgrace this guy is both to the game of baseball and the death match world. Rodriguez moves on, and Puig gets to settle a few legal issues. He saves his pretty face for the fists of his next opponent.
Up next, another former Turkey Bowl Champion takes the ring as LeBron James faces off with a man he has a sordid history with, former Pacer and current Hornet Lance Stephenson. LeBron’s douchebaggery is well documented world-wide… but what about Stephenson you ask? Well, before he was blowing in LeBron’s ear during the playoffs, Stephenson was raping classmates in high school (allegedly), and pushing women down stairs later on (allegedly). We’ll see if the young, hungry Stephenson really has what it takes to go toe to toe with Jesus Christ in a headband, LeBron James… the man who has “saved” Cleveland simply by coming home.
As this bout begins, Stephenson seems to be on top of his game and in the head of James, who looks like he wants no part in an actual fight. Stephenson lands a few rights, now a left, and, what’s this? That Cleveland Cavs fan that burned his LeBron James jersey after “the Decision” comes running down to the ring, wearing his newly purchased LeBron Cavs jersey… and he’s going after Stephenson. LeBron takes advantage of the distraction and grabs a steel chair, scrambling what little is there of Lance Stephenson’s brains and picking up a round one win.
Coming up next, we’ve got the highly anticipated matchup of the Sherriff Roger Goodell, who looks to cover his own ass as he takes on Ray Rice, the man he suspended indefinitely from the game he loves so very much. Roger is not the favorite of most people… but who will this crowd of feminists that has gathered at ringside side with… a man who had zero intention of pushing their agenda in Goodell, or a man who cold cocked one of their fellow ovary carriers on that Atlantic City elevator? All I know is, this is one ugly scene here at ringside… literally. All these broads, and not a looker in the bunch!
To kick the match off, Goodell begins scolding Rice on behavior “unbecoming of an NFL player”. Rice soon tires of this act, and begins beating Goodell as if he were his fiancée. But Goodell is no dummy, he brought the NFL’s PR team to ringside with him, and he plans on using them. A distraction from a pair of lawyers gets Roger back on top, and it looks like he’s going to cruise to a win here. But wait, what the hell is this? It’s DeMaurice Smith… he puts Goodell in his patented Lockout submission maneuver! Roger has no choice, he’s got to tap, and Ray Rice moves on to our next round.
Coming up next, two overhyped, overachievers take the ring as Johnny Manziel, backup NFL quarterback, takes on Jameis Winston, future backup NFL quarterback. Whose douchebaggery will reign supreme on this night? We’ll find out as tonight’s action continues:
These two young men are known for avoiding the big hit, but tonight, they look to land the big hit on one another as Johnny Football takes on Jameis Winston here at Turkey Bowl 2014. Johnny and Jameis start things off by exchanging immature gestures… Johnny throws up his little money sign, while Jameis stands on the top ropes and yells “Fuck her right in the pussy” so everybody can hear what a massive douche he is. Each young man owns a Heisman Trophy, so the next few moments break down into what is nothing more than a pose-off. Johnny takes a moment to go out and talk to his celebrity entourage, which includes Justin Bieber for some strange reason. This provides Jameis with the opening he needs, as he is able to lock in a single leg Boston Crab on Manziel… Manziel has no escape, and taps out, giving the big win to Jameis Winston. Looks like the curse of Bieber strikes again!
Next up, two of the biggest douchebags ever to meet in the first round of the Turkey Bowl extravaganza as Dick Sherman prepares to square off with Kobe Bryant. Dick made headlines many times with impressive feats of douchebaggery since the 2013 NFL playoffs… but he cuts one hell of a promo, doesn’t he? Kobe has run everyone off in LA, and is now going it alone with a virtual army of nobodies leading a terrible Lakers squad. Sherman definitely has the edge on trash talking, as he unleashes a barrage of barbs upon Kobe to begin the festivities. Kobe, never one to back down, returns fire, and the two get the fight underway. No flopping here folks, there are no NBA refs in this arena. Eventually, Dick Sherman’s youth wins out and Kobe is defeated. After the match, Sherman finds the most easily startled reporter at ringside and screams “I am the best fighter in the game, when you try me with a sorry fighter like Kobe that’s the result you gonna get”.
With Kobe gone now we move on to our next matchup, and it’s one with a lot of bad blood involved… Ryan Braun brings his performance enhanced brand of rage into the ring against the best chemist in the game, Anthony Bosch. Bosch sold Braun out after supplying him with the goods. Unless Bosch took some of his own “medicine”, there is only one realistic outcome to this fight. Sure enough, like a walk off blast, Braun makes short work of the sellout, and moves on to round number two.
Next up, a matchup that features a ton of swagger… Floyd Mayweather Jr. faces an opponent that will actually fight back… unlike his baby mama… Swaggy P, otherwise known as Nick Young. I’m honestly not sure why he calls himself this… or what in God’s name it means… but that is apparently the man’s chosen nickname. Much like what a drunk Nick Young claimed he’d do to Iggy’s ass on TMZ, Floyd does to Swaggy P here, using that million dollar punch to move on to the second round.
Coming up next, we’ve got another pair of abusive pieces of shit squaring off… one likes to abuse children, the other likes to damn near kill a porn star. Adrian Peterson hits the ring to face off with MMA fighter and current inmate War Machine, who was granted special privilege to come out here in hopes that someone would beat the living hell out of him! AD gets things started when he pulls a switch out and starts to whoopin’ War Machine. Evidently AD doesn’t know when to stop, because he stops too damn soon here, and the War Machine goes on the attack. It might not be as easy as working over Christy Mack, but War Machine does just enough damage to pick up the win over Adrian Peterson. This piece of garbage moves on to our next round.
We’re halfway through the first round of Turkey Bowl 2014, and we’ve seen some big names come and go. A-Rod, LeBron James, Ray Rice, Jameis Winston, Richard Sherman, Ryan Braun, Floyd Mayweather, and now War Machine represent the first eight to make the leap to round number two.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are receiving word of a developing situation out in the parking lot area… we now go to a live feed out there where it appears the members of the assembled sports media, including members of the ESPiN, FOX, and NBC Sports teams are now becoming involved in some sort of altercation out there. Tempers have boiled over, and now it seems they will all have a go at one another out there. Chris Berman gets his back, back, back, back broken in at least five places as this thing really starts to turn ugly. It is fairly clear that NBC and FOX have agreed to some sort of alliance in order to get the upper hand on the “Worldwide Leader”, as now Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayliss are now out of commission. Somehow, Stephen A. Smith seems to have been castrated here… it looks like Terry Bradshaw just kicked Skip Bayliss right on the bottom jaw, causing this unfortunate disaster!
Jalen Rose seems to have talked his way into a corner with Howie Long and Michael Strahan, as the two make quick work of his puny frame and poor grammar skills! ESPiN is in some serious trouble ladies and gents. Even the ladies are getting into the action… Erin Andrews thought it was an appropriate time to stop and talk about digestive health with her former colleague Hannah Storm… but Hannah has none of it as she uses a trident to get a firsthand look at the innards of Mrs.Andrews. After the dust settles, the ESPiN crew lays in a battered, broken pile. Stewart Scott is over in the corner holding a football he thinks is Chris Berman’s head, but otherwise the entire ESPiN noise machine has been silenced. The FOX and NBC sports teams are victorious, as they execute the before-fight promise to sacrifice that smarmy little windbag Bob Costas to their Gods (Murdoch and Burke)as tribute for victory. Now that’s what you call a win all the way around!
Over on the other side of the parking lot, there is a suspicious looking vehicle with the windows rolled up and what looks like four men sitting inside. Our cameras zoom in to find four guys who were scheduled to fight tonight… Josh Gordon, LeGarrette Blount, LeVeon Bell, and Justin Blackmon all sitting in there, apparently passing around a blunt! As smoke billows out of the car, the four men get out and just sort of wander off… well, it looks like a new record for this year’s Turkey Bowl… no NFL wide redivas make an appearance!
Next up, we’ve got Sidney Crosby taking on fellow NHL douchebag Brad Marchand. We’ll see how the face of the league fares against one of the dirtiest pieces of shit, on and off the ice, in the league today. Crosby starts thing off by surprising the entire audience by actually fighting and not ducking out of the way… incredible. Marchand is no stranger to the pugilistic arts, and returns fire. Once Marchand gains the upper hand, he beats Crosby like a casino security guard, gaining the victory and then stripping down to his birthday suit while yelling “I am above the law”!
In our next fight, we’ve got two of the biggest douchebags in all of college sports, as championship coaches square off when Nick Saban meets John Calipari. Will Calipari live up to his one-and-done reputation tonight? Saban is much better known for winning the big one, but he is also well known for being a crybaby and an asshole. Saban is on fire as we get things underway, and he looks like he’ll cruise to an easy win… but suddenly his cell phone rings. His face lights up and he quickly jots something down and runs from the ring… leading to a count out win for Calipari. Calipari picks up the note that Saban left behind and it reads “Got a better offer from Dana White, so I’m gone. You knew what this was.” Can’t say I’m surprised by the guy’s lack of morality or loyalty here… but I am surprised to see John Calipari make it to the next round!
In the ring now, Jay Cutler prepares for his bout with the Brewers eccentric OF Carlos Gomez… a guy who has ruffled more than a few feathers in Major League Baseball with his youthful exuberance and lack of respect for the unwritten rules of the game. This Midwest showdown comes your way, right now! Cutler starts off well, landing a few glancing blows on Gomez, who seems more interested in showing off than he is in winning this fight. But, sure enough, Cutler telegraphs his next few punches and is intercepted… and Gomez takes full advantage. He’s even got time to stand there and watch his own handiwork on the jumbo screen above as he polishes off the Bears QB… Carlos Gomez makes it to round two.
If you didn’t expect many NHL players to make this tournament, you were misled. Another all-NHL matchup comes your way now, with Patrick Kane facing off with career douchebag Matt Cooke. Cooke seems to have the edge here… his dirty tactics have drawn the ire of fans for years now. But don’t underestimate Patrick Kane… turn your back on him and he’ll drop you like a disgruntled cab driver! While Kane puts up one hell of a fight, it is Cooke who moves on to our next round after yet another douchy knee-to-knee hit to Kane, which puts him down for the count.
If you thought the Seahawks-49ers rivalry couldn’t get any bigger, you were wrong! Right now, Seahawks coach Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with a guy who just doesn’t seem to “get it”… 49ers OLB Aldon Smith. Smith has a huge size and athleticism advantage, and Carroll seems to be at a gigantic disadvantage… truly a David vs. Goliath style match here. Things start out predictably, as Smith has a clear early advantage over Carroll… he’s being tossed around like the quarterbacks Aldon Smith terrorized before being suspended for the entire first half plus of this NFL season. Suddenly, the department of homeland security arrives and ushers Aldon Smith off to a “private screening area”. Smith will most definitely be counted out here… seems like he still hasn’t learned a damn thing from last summer’s incidents… you just don’t call in fake bomb threats. Smith gets himself another body cavity search from the blue gloves, and Carroll finds a way to move on to our next round in a shocking upset!
Up next, a couple of racist tools take the ring as Percy Harvin faces off with embattled former Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Harvin has the obvious physical advantage here… just better hope he doesn’t come down with another migraine… or turf toe… or nobody breathes on him! Harvin looks like he’s ready to fight here, angry with Sterling over his alleged racism, when suddenly he sees Blake Griffin in the front row, and takes the time to hang over the top ropes and yell a few things at him about not being black enough. While this is going on, Sterling, clearly suffering from some sort of early-stage dementia, wanders off and gets counted out. Harvin celebrates his victory, but suddenly gets blasted from behind by Griffin. Harvin moves on, but his head will be ringing from that shot as the next round closes in. The crowd goes wild for Griffin, who announces he must leave to go shoot another terrible commercial for some random product nobody needs.
This has been quite a night so far, with just two first round matches left to go. We’ve seen a lot of crazy shit thus far… and we’re sure to see even more in our next battle with two massive men hitting the ring. Professional jerk ass Richie Incognito (he sure as hell isn’t playing football anymore) faces off with a different kind of bully… the woman beating douchebag Greg Hardy of the Panthers. Incognito starts things off by resorting to his old tricks, mocking Hardy and his legal woes. Hardy goes into a rage, battering the bully with lefts and rights, but Incognito quickly shows Hardy that this abuse victim actually fights back, unlike the woman Hardy beat half to death and threatened with a pile of guns in his apartment (allegedly). Incognito clearly has the upper hand here, until suddenly Jonathan Martin appears, hitting Incognito, the man who bullied him out of Miami, with a steel chair and giving the momentum back to the woman beater, Greg Hardy. Hardy takes full advantage, and he’s moving on to the next round!
In our last first round matchup, massive asshat Dwight Howard faces off with flop master Dwyane Wade in what should be a real test of wills… the wills of everyone watching that is. Howard immediately starts off by crying to the referee, who is confused since he’s really only there in spirit! Howard doesn’t really seem to understand this, and he continues jawing at the ref. While he complains, Wade comes up behind Howard, who flails his arms out in frustration. Wade is nearly elbowed in the face… and flops over. The referee begins the ten count, and Wade continues to roll around on the ground. After ten seconds of this, Wade is out, and Dwight Howard becomes the final member of our 16-man contingent to make the second round of Turkey Bowl 2014!
As we move on to the second round, here is a list of upcoming mathcups:
A-Rod vs. Ryan Braun
LeBron James vs. Dwight Howard
Matt Cooke vs. Brad Marchand
Jameis Winston vs. Carlos Gomez
Dick Sherman vs. Percy Harvin
John Calipari vs. Pete Carroll
Tag Team Match: Mayweather/War Machine vs. Hardy/Rice
To kick off the second round, we’re going to have a tag team matchup between NFL spousal abusers Ray Rice and Greg Hardy and two fighters who take their aggressions out of the ring and into the home in Floyd Mayweather Jr. and MMA fighter War Machine. The special celebrity guest referee for this match will be Dog the Bounty Hunter… the man who was finally able to bring War Machine to justice after his run from the law. “I want a clean fight brah… go with Christ”. Rice and Hardy begin to argue over who has to get into the ring first, while Mayweather and War Machine argue over who gets to start off the match. To kick things off, the smaller duo of Mayweather and Rice face off. Rice doesn’t seem to want anything to do with this matchup, but he can’t outrun Mayweather. Eventually, Mayweather corners him and proceeds to knock the hell out of him with that famous right hook. Meanwhile, War Machine has had enough waiting, as he goes after Hardy on the outside. War Machine completely decimates Hardy, putting him through the Spanish announce table, and Mayweather continues to make short work of Ray Rice. Really sucks when somebody beats the hell out of you, doesn’t it Ray? Eventually, Dog the Bounty Hunter calls for the bell and this massacre is over… Floyd and War Machine advance to the “Elite 8” of sports douchebaggery.
Next up, Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with John Calipari… two guys who made a ton of money off the backs of college kids now need to make their money on their own. Coach Cal hears a rumor that this fight could very well be in violation of NCAA rules, but of course that’s never stopped him before. Still, he feels a strange wave of conscience come over him and attempts to tell the referee that he forfeits; but it seems that Pete Carroll got the jump on him. Despite the fact that he’s no longer an NCAA coach, he heard about potential sanctions and jumped ship before Calipari even had the chance out of pure instinct! Coach Cal moves on to the Elite 8 for a change and Pete Carroll backs his way out of trouble yet again!
Next up, two former teammates square off as Dick Sherman faces off with Percy Harvin. Harvin’s head is still ringing from the post-match beating he took from Blake Griffin, and Sherman is well aware. After an extensive amount of trash talking worsens Harvin’s migraine headache, Sherman seals the win with his Pick Six move. Dick Sherman moves on, and it looks like Percy Harvin is going to be out of action for another year or so… sorry Jets fans!
Next up, rape and crab leg enthusiast Jameis Winston faces off with the passionate Carlos Gomez. Both are fine athletes in the primes of their careers, and Gomez takes an early advantage. After getting Winston down, he proceeds to take a little too much time taunting Brian McCann, who is sitting at ringside for the fight. McCann decides he’s seen enough, and gets up to confront Gomez. Just then, Winston hits a blatant low blow, then once again locks in that Boston Crab maneuver. Gomez has no choice but to tap out… and once again the Boston Crab proves to be an effective weapon for Jameis. After the match, Jimbo Fisher joins Winston in the ring, holding his hand up high and claiming to be the one who taught him that maneuver.
In the next match, two men who are hated by fans, opponents, and teammates alike, as Matt Cooke takes on fellow ice-douche Brad Marchand. Something seems off right away, as Marchand is slurring his speech and stumbling around a bit. I just received word from an anonymous source that Marchand was just thrown out of Mo’s Tavern a few minutes ago after having a few too many Fred Lite’s and getting fresh with OlHarry. Cooke takes quick advantage, and moves on to our next round.
Next, we have Dwight Howard, who breezed through his last matchup against his first opponents’ former teammate, LeBron James. These two massive egos square off to become the NBA’s sole representative in the Elite 8. Early on, Dwight takes advantage of his size and reach advantage, pummeling the chosen one with right hooks and elbows. But LeBron turns things around by tossing talcum powder right into the big man’s eyes. Howard is completely helpless, and James shows a little killer instinct for a change and is able to finish things off like an uncontested dunk. James moves on, and as usual Dwight Howard falls short of his goal.
In our final Elite 8 matchup, two of the biggest shames to the game of baseball square off as Alex Rodriguez takes on Ryan Braun. Both men are linked to the Biogenesis scandal, and both were wronged by Dr. Anthony Boesh. Braun got his revenge earlier, while Rodriguez was able to defeat his unenhanced first round opponent, Yasiel Puig. This will be a truly performance enhanced matchup, and power will be at a premium. We’ll find out which man had the better chemist as the fight begins. Braun and Rodriguez start things off by denying their use of PEDs to one another… then Rodriguez flip flops a bit and admits to using something back in 2001 when he was in Texas. Braun remains steadfast… but Rodriguez cracks and admits that yeah, he might have used them when he was in New York, too. Braun seems conflicted… should he admit it, or should he continue to deny? As he ponders this, Rodriguez commences to the corner of the ring and proceeds to dry hump himself in the mirror his handlers set up for him before the match.
Braun quickly takes note of it, and knocks Rodriguez clean through the mirror, cutting him badly. The blood is everywhere, as this is beginning to look like an easy win for Braun. Braun continues the beating, when suddenly a windowless van drives into the arena. It’s A-Rod’s cousin… A-Rod’s cousin is back again! In the confusion, he slips something to A-Rod… Rodriguez injects the substance, and is reinvigorated by the injection. Braun is powerless to stop him as Rodriguez’s superior “skill” and “ability” is on full display. Showing the kind of power that Yankees fans hope for this season after a full year away from the game, Rodriguez overcomes his early troubles and is able to defeat Braun, proving that even after a year out of action, he’s still the biggest douchebag there is the sport!
We’re down to our last eight competitors… after two grueling rounds; Alex Rodriguez, LeBron James, Matt Cooke, Jameis Winston, War Machine, Floyd Mayweather, and John Calipari are all that remain in the race to see who the biggest piece of shit in all of sports is for the year 2014! Who has what it takes? Who will reach down the deepest and become our new champion? We’ll find out, coming up next!
Now we’re back, and in our first Elite 8 matchup, Matt Cooke faces off with college football’s biggest bad boy, Jameis Winston. Cooke has a clear fighting advantage here, as Winston is just a quarterback here. Cooke has been through a couple of wars already, while Winston has used his love of crab to move on in both rounds. Cooke will have to avoid distraction in order to get out of this one… and he’ll have to avoid that half-Boston Crab Winston has used in both his fights thus far. Cooke gets off to an emphatic start, going knee to knee on the Heisman winner. But Winston saw it coming, and with Cooke laying on the ground in pain, pulls out his steel knee pad and throws it out of the ring. After an elementary application of his now famed half Boston Crab, Cooke turtles and taps, and Jameis Winston is the first of the four participants to qualify for the Fatal Fourway to determine the 2014 Turkey Bowl Champion!
Up next, Dick Sherman hits the ring for his matchup with punkass pugilist Floyd Mayweather Jr. Mayweather has breezed through Swaggy P and the team of NFL woman beaters, but Sherman should be a real challenge for him. Sherman ducks a barrage of punches by Mayweather, landing a few jabs of his own before unleashing a barrage of verbal abuse towards Floyd. Suddenly, Sherman’s LOB teammates jump over the safety railing, entering the ring and backing up their leader. Earl Thomas hits Mayweather with a spear, and Lane and Maxwell follow up with a double powerbomb. All Sherman has to do is gloat as Mayweather lies in a pile. Sherman lives up to his earlier boasting, and he’s in the finale!
In our next fight, LeBron James is a huge underdog as he goes up against trained MMA fighter War Machine, who was allowed out of prison for the night in hopes that he would take a real beating. But, despite an initial switch beating at the hands of Adrian Peterson, he’s gone relatively unscathed so far. Before the fight can even begin, there is a commotion at ringside. James awaits his opponent inside the ring, but it seems something is wrong backstage. It seems that unlike his failed prison suicide attempt, War Machine has finally succeeded at something in his life, hanging himself from an air duct in the back. Seems nobody here at the Turkey Bowl cared enough to cut that piece of trash down this time around. LeBron avoids a beating, and the world is a better place without that sack of shit around.
We’re now down to our last semifinal match, with Alex Rodriguez facing off with Kentucky Wildcats head coach John Calipari. Coach Cal begins things by trying to tell a funny story about Anthony Davis’ eyebrow… but A Rod is having none of it. He finally sees a chance to win something legitimately, as Calipari is an easy opponent for him. For the first time since high school (allegedly), Rodriguez does things the right way, and easily defeats Calipari to move on to our finale!
So through three rounds of fighting we’ve whittled away 28 other contestants and we’ve got the four biggest douchebags in sports ready to battle it out to see who truly is #1! Former Turkey Bowl Champions LeBron James and Alex Rodriguez are odds on favorites, but Dick Sherman and Jameis Winston both have strong games when it comes to being a massive asshole. Will we crown a new champion, or will the wily veterans pick up yet another Turkey Bowl trophy? We find out right after this:
Ladies and gentlemen, we are back, and our main event is set to begin. Four men, one ring, one champion… a Fatal Fourway matchup to determine who is the biggest douchebag, piece of shit, fuckstick, ass-licking motherfucker in all of sports. As the bell rings our four competitors circle, each trying to get a feel for their opponents. LeBron makes the first move, taking Winston’s legs out, seemingly angry about the beating he gave his boy Johnny Manziel earlier in the night. Rodriguez and Sherman begin shoving and Sherman is trash talking as usual. Rodriguez hits him with a performance enhanced right hook, which knocks his jaw out of place! Finally someone has shut this guy the hell up! As Rodriguez continues pummeling Dick Sherman, Jameis has turned the tables on “King James”, and has him set up for the half Boston Crab again! LeBron goes for the talcum powder to the eye trick again, but Winston sees it coming and ducks out of the way. As James attempts to regain his composure, Winston climbs the ropes and hits him with a Crab Leg Drop. Rodriguez has eliminated Dick Sherman… and he turns his attentions to Winston, who is about to eliminate LeBron. Rodriguez makes the save, and the two former champions start to work together against the young upstart. With Sherman out, it’s up to Winston to ensure there is a new champion this time around.
Winston runs the ropes, and ducks under a double clothesline attempt by James and Rodriguez. Winston then lands a roundhouse to the back of A-Rod’s head, putting him down for the count. But LeBron takes advantage and puts Jameis up into what looks like a torture rack… a throwback to the days of Lex Luger! As James struts about the ring with Winston over his shoulders, Rodriguez is counted out. We’re now down to the final two folks! Winston is in a bad way as he begins to fade… it looks like LeBron James is going to become a two-time Turkey Bowl winner! All of a sudden on the big screen, a video plays of Tim Duncan and Greg Poppovich turning up the thermostat! James watches in horror, and works feverishly to try and get Winston to give up. Soon, the temperature rises, and suddenly James gets “them cramps” again.
Winston takes advantage and gets out of the hold, and James rolls around on the mat. Jameis, never one to pass up the opportunity to take advantage of someone or something, locks in the half Boston Crab once again… and James immediately starts tapping out! Jameis Winston has done it! Jameis Winston is the Turkey Bowl champion!
We now go live to ringside with Jameis Winston, who is joined by Coach Jimbo Fisher.
IHM: Jameis, how does it feel to know you are the single biggest piece of shit in the world of sports today? Of all the douchebags out there, you are #1!
Winston: “If I’m-a do it then, I’m-a do it big”
IHM: Right… so how does it feel knowing that despite “allegedly” being a rapist, thief, and dumber than a fucking rock that you’ve overcome all the odds and proven yourself here on this stage?
Jimbo: This interview is over.
So as Jimbo Fisher ushers Jameis out of the arena with his newest trophy in tow, we say goodnight to all of you. Thanks to everybody out there for doing stupid things and making this so very easy for me! As they say in my old neighborhood… play stupid games, win stupid prizes!
Hello and welcome to another Wednesday of deep thoughts. As I sat Tuesday night watching the All Star game, I struck me that the baseball season was half way over. Yeah…I know technically this is not the half-way point, but for me…the All Star game signifies the mid-point of the season. Today is July 16th…damn, where does the time go? Soon we will be talking football training camps and then fall will be upon us. But, I will not jump ahead.
For those of you that watched the All Star game, I think you will agree that this was a pretty well-played game. Derek Jeter got another start at shortstop and added a double and a single to his career All Star game hit total. Although I did not vote for Jeter, I appreciated the opportunity to watch him in one last All Star Game. For my money, MLB is the only game that offers an All Star game that is worth a damn. The game is a chance to honor those players that have had a great season and to provide the fans a chance to see their favorite players. When I vote, I specifically look at the numbers. But I acknowledge that players like Derek Jeter have earned the starting spot based upon putting together many great years. In my opinion, the All Star game is for the fans. I was rather pissed when reading comments to an article Tuesday night. A fan was complaining about Jeter being the starting shortstop for the AL and how unfair it was that another more qualified player was possibly left off the roster. He went on to say that the All Star game only comes around to each city once in a long while and that the fans want to see the best players not old players like Willie Mays…really? I would walk to Houston if I could turn the clock back to watch Willie Mays play…in his prime or not. What many fail to realize is that seeing a Derek Jeter will mean much more to some 11 year old kid than watching another AL shortstop. In 30 years or so that 11 year old kid will be talking about the time he saw the great Derek Jeter. This is a moment in baseball history and will forever remain with those fans in attendance Tuesday night.
It is funny how we seldom appreciate greatness as it appears routinely in our lives. I knew Jeter was a good shortstop, but I never really stopped to see what the guy was doing. He never hit a ton of HRs, so he sort of flew under the hype radar. He simply did his job better than any of his peers…day after day, year after year. With the two hits in Tuesday night’s game…Jeter finishes with 13 hits in 27 All Star at bats…an average of .481. Only three players have had 2 three hit All Star games…Mays, Yaz and Jeter. The greatness of Jeter was disguised by the routine way that he went about his business. Never did Jeter seek the limelight. I had to laugh at the response Jeter gave Tuesday night when asked about the reason that he worked so hard at doing his job…”my team had a habit of cutting players that did not play hard.” Can you imagine Jeter being cut by the Yankees? That is so Jeter…not putting himself above being replaced. There is something special in this approach and I wish more players adopted this attitude. Derek Jeter is a throw-back for sure…but I saw another player Tuesday that fits the same mold…Mike Trout. Now, Trout does not exactly fly under the radar, but what I see is a guy that wants to play the game the right way. He takes care of his business and supports his teammates. Off the field, he understands that his actions reflect upon his team…just like Jeter. It is refreshing to see a 22 year old being a professional. I know my friends that are Tiger fans would have liked to see Miggy pick-up the MVP trophy on Tuesday…but I figure Trout was due.
The other big news from the game Tuesday was Adam Wainwright commenting that he gave Jeter some cookies to hit. He backed off this statement when he realized that his statements were going crazy on twitter. The reality is that even if this is true, it does not demean the night for Derek Jeter. It does make Adam Wainwright look like a putz for not having the sense to keep his mouth shut. I understand players wanting to show respect to a Derek Jeter, but I have no doubt that Jeter would have preferred to see Wainwright’s best stuff. Even so…a cookie at 90 mph does not hit itself. The All Star game is an exhibition game and the fact that Wainwright chose to challenge Jeter instead of attempting to deceive him should be perfectly acceptable. I am glad that this will be the last All Star game for Bud Selig. Hopefully, the new commissioner will make at least one change...remove the home field advantage going to the winner of this game. This game is an exhibition game for the fans and does not need anything else to make it important. Let the team with best season record have the World Series home field advantage.
I saw a great tribute to Jeter this week and felt it was only fitting that I add it here…I join those in this video tipping my hat to the career of Derek Jeter.
Ooops...someone at the All Star game forgot to add Derek Norris to the list for car signs...thank goodness for teammates.
By now, everyone has heard that LeBron James is headed back to Cleveland. I will not pretend that I knew where LeBron was headed. But, I had a sense that he was tired of carrying the entire load in Miami. I read a very interesting article by Bill Simmons. You really should check it out...http://grantland.com/features/god-loves-cleveland/
Simmons makes some very bold statements regarding LeBron. He calls him an NBA genius; “unparalleled NBA genius” were the exact words that Simmons used. He feels that James follows in the footsteps of Larry and Magic and of course…MJ. At first glance, I scoffed at these comments. Yes, there is no doubt that James is a great player…but to put him the company of these three, is beyond what I can accept. After reading Simmon’s thoughts…I do admit to having more insight into the actions of LeBron James. I know what some of you are probably thinking…James is an attention whore. He cannot win without a strong supporting cast. But, if you take a close look at the team he won two championships with in Miami…that is not totally the case. In fact, if you want to take a close look at the supporting casts of Bird, Magic and MJ…I suppose you would say that they might have had a superior group around them. Certainly anyone would have to agree that those championship Laker and Celtic teams were loaded with talent. Even MJ needed Pippen to win championships. There is a clip of MJ stealing a game in the Simmons’ link…it sure brought back some great memories and reminded me just how good MJ was…damn.
I suppose what bothers most of us about LeBron it is not so much what has happened but the manner that he went about it. The “Decision” for me was the beginning of my dislike for the man. I saw this event as a self -absorbed act that was beyond selfish. The big three getting together to create a championship team in Miami smacked of arrogance and contempt for the system. In truth, the NBA is not what it was 20 years ago. The league is full of players more concerned with their “brand” and bank account than playing the game as a team. I suspect that this is why so many jumped gleefully onto the Spurs championship bandwagon and were delighted to see Miami go down in flames. But, the actions of others are not the fault of LeBron. I really do think that LeBron got tired of carrying the heavy load in Miami and realized that the Big 3 was more LeBron than Wade and Bosh. Hey…I don’t feel sorry for Miami, they have 2 championships to show for the 4 years of LeBron and that is not such a bad deal for them. In truth…they got what they paid for and in the end, got what they deserved.
I really thought that the letter published in SI was a perfect way for LeBron to announce his return to Cleveland. In fact, I think compared to the “Decision” it was a stroke of genius. Now, we can discuss who wrote the letter or whose decision it was to write the letter…but ultimately, it was on James to make the choice. I do know that how James returned to the Cavs was a whole lot better than how he left. Comparing his 4 years in Miami to four years in college is sort of corny, but it also sort of works for me. When you stop and realize that James has played in the league for 11 years and he is still not 30 years of age. Perhaps James did need to go to Miami to figure out how to win? Maybe he returned to Cleveland because he was tired of being the villain? This got me to thinking…LeBron has gone from villain to hero with this move. What other villains have successfully made this transaction? I came up with a short list of what I consider to be the most notable. If I have forgotten a few, please throw them in. Here is my list:
I know that for some of you, there is nothing that LeBron James can do at this point to change your opinion. But when I take a close look at James, I see a kid that has grown up with less than a favorable role model. He did not attend college and have the influence of a college campus or a college coach. In spite of this, the man has kept his nose clean. He has not been arrested and is not in strip clubs partying it up. This is man has a family and it is my hunch that there is real substance in his move to return to Cleveland. Thomas Wolfe says "you can't go home again"...but LeBron is attempting to prove otherwise. It could be that LeBron is added to above list; only time will tell. If LeBron can win a few championships in Cleveland, I will be happy for the Cav fans. With the bad times they have been through, it would be great to see them celebrate. But...to become a hero for me, James will need to stay in Cleveland. For others...I don't think it will matter. At the end of the day, LeBron James must learn to be true to himself and his family and in the end, that is all that will matter.
I could not finish this week without taking a moment to mention that Alex Rodriguez is being sued by his attorney for non-payment…I don’t know if I find this more funny or ironic. Character sure has a way of exposing itself, doesn’t it…
That’s all I have today, but I will leave you with a bit of Jack Handey…
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
"Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out."
Thanks for stopping by and feel free to leave a few deep thoughts of your own…
Okay Cleveland...You had your fun...You had your excitement...Now it's time for your friendly wake up call...It's time to relax Cleveland...
Hey...Listen up...I said relax!
What part of relax don't you understand...Well maybe you two can have a few more minutes....
So why am I telling Cleveland to relax...Because this city went bat-shit crazy over LeBron James deciding to sign with the Cavaliers...And him and his sweet, well thought-out essay he co-wrote with a Sports Illustrated hack...Yeah, it was well written...It was good...But these dopes in the media act like he woke up Friday morning and did that shit...He had been working with this SI guy, Lee Jenkins for a couple weeks...Seriously, dude said so in an interview on Mad Dag Radio...All last week, the sports media world was talking about 2 things...Johnny Manziel possibly doing blow...and "Where will LeBron sign?" James played the media last week as well as he plays basketball...
And Cleveland...This is my hometown...As much as I rag on it, I love this bitch...But this city disappointed me with their begging for James to come back...Just 4 years earlier so many of them were mother-fucking him...Me, I had been trashing him for a good 3 years before that...But it was nice to not be alone anymore...But last week, they were swinging on his nuts again...And those dopes on WKNR....Go find that audio...These two clowns, when the news broke, you could hear them cumming and crying while they squealed like little school girls...I wanted to puke in my cheerios...
So Cleveland was thrilled with the news...People who burned jerseys 4 years ago were heading to the store to get a new one...Whatever tool-bag...But I finally was completely sickened, and embarrassed by my city, when multiple people in the local media, besides the average joe idiots said, "This is one of the greatest days, possibly the greatest in Cleveland Sports History!"
Are you for fucking real? Seriously, you cover sports in this city and you said that Jim Donavan? Oh he wasn't alone...A fuck-ton of his fellow media members said this shit...How about you idiots read a fucking book! Shit, Google something other then LeBron James!
I know the Browns have sucked balls for ages, but they were the shit many years ago...8 League Championships...AAFC Championships (4) 1946, 1947, 1948, and 1949...NFL Championships (4) 1950, 1954, 1955, and 1964...Jesus Christ, one of your "Journalism" brothers that this area loves so much, Terry Pluto wrote a book titled "When All the World was Browns Town"
What the hell is the matter with you assholes?
Yeah, the Indians have only won two Worlds Series, but shit that 1948 team was stellar...And I think Larry Doby being the first black player in the AL, just a couple months after Jackie Robinson broke in, would rank higher then James signing with the Cavs...What about Frank Robinson being the first black manager in baseball...With the Indians...Oh, and in his first at-bat as player manager, he just hit a HR...Thats' not fucking sweet at all right...
If you really think a player signing to your local team is the greatest sports moment ever, then you need to walk away from sports...
Cleveland fans for years have patted themselves on the back for being such loyal and devoted fans...(I would consider the 455 straight sellouts at Jacobs Field to be a bigger deal)...The national media also from time to time talk about the great fans in Cleveland...What made Clevelanders so tough and loyal?
It was all the downs...Not the few and far between ups...Not the highs, but the lows...The fucking Drive...The fumble, that made me cry...Jordan's jumper over Ehlo...Red-Right-88...The '95 Indians losing to the Braves...The Braves who couldn't even sellout for their playoff games...The '97 Indians, a cock-strong team, one out away...Beaten by a Marlins team that was rented, and sold off weeks later...Yeah, that one hurt like a bitch...How about my Dad seeing the '54 Indians, one of Baseball's best teams ever, lose it to the Giants...
It's those painful moments, that made Clevelanders tough...After those defeats, Cleveland came back to the respective stadiums, and rooted for their teams...Clevelanders didn't take off Chief Wahoo cap...They didn't say fuck it, and throw away there Browns gear and sell their season tickets...They were right back there next year with that stupid dag mask on, throwing dog biscuits at opposing players...
In my opinion, those losses are great Cleveland Sports moments, because we didn't burn the city down and riot like Vancouver...We took it on the chin, and came back for more...The Cleveland that I love would have never begged a guy to come back, and wouldn't have acted so insane if he did...The Cleveland I love would not be going crazy for an egotistical rookie QB who parties constantly and acts like an ass...I understand...Clevelanders are thirsty for a winner...Thirsty for positive coverage in this town...I hope we see it...But we're better than this...
The Stepford fans in Cleveland are rejoicing, they’re soaking up this public relations barrage being rammed down their throat and buying every word of it. What’s the saying, screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me? Well, don’t say you weren’t warned Cavs fans because Sully is here to tell you that you’ve all been duped. When James made his “Decision” in 2010 the folks in Cleveland went ballistic, and rightfully so, but then again, they also had fallen for this con artist who has spent every day since that televised debacle trying to say and do the right thing because for LeDouche it’s ALL ABOUT HIS IMAGE…if you think it’s not you’ve spent way too much time drinking the Kool-Aid.
All these talking heads creaming their shorts over how James went about announcing his return to Ohio made it sound like he’s matured or his a new man…really? There’s no difference between his televised announcement and his announcement in Sports Illustrated…ZERO! Honestly, he only chose another media outlet to monopolize the universe with his face splattered all over it. And let’s talk about the wording of that article. Does anyone really believe he wrote that? Does that even sound like the way he has ever spoken in a press conference? That carefully written article was scripted to say all the right things at the right time to pave his return and open the arms of the city that couldn’t burn him effigy fast enough in 2010, and it worked, and now, all is suddenly forgiven. They love this tool all over again…the remarriage of a player who took off to South Beach seeking the championships that eluded him with the city he abandoned.
But now that he has some jewelry there’s still some unfinished business James needs to continue his quest to be Like Mike…and that’s to do what the rest of the greats like Jordan and other’s before him, such as Bird and Magic, West and Havlicek and any other player before the era of taking the money and running by selfish NBA players, and that’s to build a team from scratch and win or die trying. James has taken much heat over the past four seasons for running to and helping create his own personal Dream Team. This is where James is NOT Jordan…he’s not even Larry or Magic, hell by that measuring stick he’s no Tiny Archibald or Danny Ainge either…James does not carry a team on his shoulders, he doesn’t take over games. Does everyone remember the last game against the Spurs where James went to the bench while the Heat were down by 19 with over 6 minutes left in the game? Six minutes is a lifetime in hoops, but that didn’t matter to James, for him it was “no mas”…he gave up and with him so did his team. Did we ever see Jordan or any of the other’s mentioned above quit in a series? I never saw it, and I’d be willing to bet if any of those Hall of Famers were watching they made a point to say “look how he gave up”…they all should feel very comfortable with their legacy for James will never eclipse them when it comes to heart and guts….NEVER!
As the saying goes, image is everything, and for James it’s the only thing aside from his paydays, it’s all he cares about. Now he’s a “nice guy” because he’s had this epiphany and realizes what he did to his hometown was of all things, low, underhanded and selfish? C’mon man. This whole debacle has money written all over it. It’s no secret how the Cavs were before he played there, during and after…and now his return is going to be some sort of championship run because he’s learned how to win? IS Wade and Bosh going there too? Nope…is Kevin Love locked up? Nope. Even if he is, what makes anyone think that he’s the other cog that lifts the Cavs over that hump?
I’m just having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around this whole thing while trying to see it from a Cavs fan perspective. If this was my team…let’s say the Bruins and Patrice Bergeron pulled this kind of crap would I be welcoming him back after screwing us all over? I hardly think so, and would have a hard time believing Boston fans would swoon all over him and forgive and just forget. What’s taking place in Cleveland in a lot of ways is embarrassing, have they no shame? Are they really that desperate to win that they’d let this tool bag just waltz right back in on a written apology and think, hey, LBJ gets it, he’s a different guy?
Then there’ the Browns and Manziel…the connection between these two is already well known, and I’m of the opinion that in here somewhere is a deal the two will make to open up a chain of restaurants or some shit like that, anything to make a buck off the fans…and you know what…Cleveland fans will be all in! Sit back and watch…you’ll see. Just remember I told you so.