Hello Gabbers it’s been a crazy week in the Lanz household more on that later.
Let’s go right to bat the Boston Red Sox made the deal of the century not signing Jon Lester. I know you all are thinking I’m nuts to say that. Here is may reasoning no team should over a 6 year deal an expect the guy to be good for all 6 years. Sure the Red Sox have some muscle now on the team and will be far more productive offensively than they were in 2014. However how productive will Lester be 4 years out. Good Luck to Theo and Joe Maddon and Jon Lester.
Lester is a guy I like solid work effort wants the ball and can pitch. However, there were no home town discounts as the local media led us to believe. Lester did what anybody else did he took the money and I think all of us we had that talent would take the money especially if somebody is willing to pay. I really don’t care what kind of money anybody signs for, it’s a short career make it while you can.
On the other hand I can’t believe what kind of deals teams are offering. I guess it’s just a sign that baseball is making money. There is one thing from a fans point of view that drives me crazy it least with people who call sports talk radio. When a guy struggles for whatever reason people automatically turn to his salary. We have that and he makes this. While he makes that because somebody offered him that money and Mr. Fanboy you would take it as well. People forget that Profesional Sports is a business first and they are paying for a specific talent.
Nobody is upset when some self absorbed act or singer gets millions for crappy movie that had a good advertising budget or some singer that can’t put two sentenaces together we are all alright with it. .Perhaps we identify athletes as more normal guys. I don’t know we do know they work hard their crafts but they aren’t exactly Iron Workerss.
My take on the whole Lester thing is the Red Sox had their chance for him at the point when they low balled him on extension that’s where they lost him 4 years 70 million.I also think they were hoping for a home town discount but knew he would get more than 6 years and 135 million, I think they knew they could recover from what the market would bring.
The Red Sox did acquire Wade Miley (stats) from the D-Backs as a consulation prize in Adam Wiley. He will eat some innings that normally Lackey and Lester would eat. Wiley has averaged about 200 Innings a year and with the often injured Clay Bucholtz in the rotation they need somebody to eat innings.
Has a new conduct policy which includes money for victims . Go head go do something stupid and see if your company pays for the victims. No they would simply fire you . Instead of having independent investigations and 6 game suspensions. I think from an image standpoint this maybe a good policy from a practical standpoint. You violate the good conduct policy . You fire the guy plan simple and he is not let back in the league. Incorporate it in every contract so that a Federal Magistrate doesn’t get involved.
I think the policy is a step forward but I would like a no nonsense approach.
Lil Lanz wore the hat in a 9-5 los. He netted the first two and then picked up at third in the final period , The first goal was the best goal he ever scored. He broke down the left side and let a wrister go from the circle beat the goalie to the short side puck was about 2 feet of the ice when he let it go. Funny thing he knew the opposing teams goalie from a hockey camp they attended over the summer.
Some other really cool stuff happening at the Lanz house. For the first time in like 4 years we all got into decorating the Christmas Tree complete with Hot Chocolate , Sugar Cookies and Christmas Tunes and they we sat and watched a cheesy Christmas movie to boot. It was fun.
The Laser played in his first orchestra concert last night as our High School presented their winter concert. Laser plays the Bass or as I like to call it the big Fidel. He joined because a few of his friends who have been playing instruments for years did. Of course when he joined he couldn’t play anything except soccer and baseball. A few Bass lessons some hard work and some tutoring from kids in the music program he did ok.
Than my daughter got an early acceptance with a really nice merit scholarship to a nice small private college here in MAssachusetts. not sure if it’s her first choice but she has sometime to decide. She was extremely exciting for a kid that really doesn’t get to animated about anything she was extremely happy.
Finally, I was able to have a great lunch Friday it was way to short with Sully and Mo and as Mo said Monday he and I don’t live that far from each other but with busy lives we don’t get together enough. If you have never met either guy they are both top notch. Iw as able to share some good news with both of them where I’m leaving my job which I have been in for 12 years . I’m leaving my boss who we have worked together for nearly 20 at a few different companies and he has become my best friend over the years. I got an offer I couldn’t refuse with a significant bump up in pay and responsibilities that are more inline with my professional training and state license.. So it has been quite the week in the lanz world.
It’s been a busy week for a guy that’s supposed to be retired.
Last weekend the bride and I celebrated our 28th anniversary with a weekend getaway.
It rained most of the time but that didn’t dampen our time.
The town of Plymouth Ma is famous around the globe for being the landing and settling place of the Pilgrims.
When you see the entering Plymouth sign it reads
Plymouth Massachusetts, established 1620
In the USA, that’s old.
We stayed in a quant B&B right on the harbor with a great view of the white caps swirling around the docked fishing boats.
We ate lunch of fried clams at Woods Seafood on the dock. We would typically walk out the rock jetty
and talk to the fishermen and watch the boats going in and out
With the temps in the 40’s, the rain pelting down and the winds on shore at about 35 knots it was a day to look out the windows at the seagulls soaring, just trying not to blow too far inland. That’s where the dumpster diving gulls and the shellfish eating gulls try not to mix.
After this we went to the Plymouth Bay winery, they have taste testing Saturdays year round.
We were walking around the shop looking at the wine selection and gifts, the Sommelier called us over and told us the price for tasting 11 of their best wines, $5 per person including a complimentary wine glass…how can you beat that.
The wine Sommelier named Mike, had us and another couple sit at the bar and explained the types of wines they make from a fruity sweet white to some dry reds and began with the whites…
Three wines in, the shop began to fill with others and Mike asked them to join us.
He asked if we minded them catching up before we moved on.
The other guy we were sitting with, Fred from Belmont, said, “Dave here and I were thinking we didn’t get the first three straight and need a remedial course.
Mike laughed and said sure… why not.
We were their for better than an hour and drank way more than they would normally allow on a typical Saturday afternoon but the benefit for the winery was that everyone in the place bought wine and gifts…I think I dropped $70 bucks.
We had dinner at the East Bay Grill later on for some more fresh seafood and toasted our 28 years of marriage and vowed to keep our vows until death do us part.
My Patriots rebounded from the loss in Green Bay to maintain the catbird seat in the AFC playoff standings by putting up a great defensive effort on the road in San Diego holding SD to 7 offensive points. Middle linebacker Donta Hightower who has filled in for pro bowl linebacker Jerod Mayo (lost for the season 5 weeks ago) was out with a shoulder injury.
Second year man and second round pick Jamie Collins moved inside to handle green dot responsibilities came up big with 9 tackles and 2 sacks in the 23-14 win
Rob Gronkowski set a new NFL record by becoming the first TE to have four 10 TD seasons. Congrats Gronk.
The Patriots won their 10th game of the season and the feat marked the 12th consecutive season with 10 or more wins
Peyton Manning’s streak of 51 consecutive games with at least one TD pass ended at the hands of the Buffalo Bills.
The list of the best consecutive games with a TD streaks all time
1. Drew Brees still holds the mark of 54 games.
2. Tom Brady 52
3. Peyton Manning 51
4. Johnny Unitas 47
5.Tony Romo 38.
The current longest active streaks are:
Drew Brees 33
Tom Brady 23
MLB from a Boston view…
The Red Sox ownership continues to squirm in the Jon Lester fiasco as Jon peddled his wares around the Majors and signed with the Chicago Cubs.
The Sox offer of 135mil for six years was not nearly enough to mend the fences knocked over when they insulted Jon with a four year 70 mil offer last season.
At least 3 other teams were in the hunt for Jonny October including the Dodgers, Giants and Braves.
In the end Lester went to the Cubs for 6 years 155million with an option seventh year for 25 million more. Lester is 116-67 life time with a 3.58 era in the AL East. His NL numbers should be higher. He has averaged over 210 innings per season in his career and has a no no. At age 31 he should be a solid signing for Theo Epstine and the Cubs for years to come.
The Sox reportedly offered former Sox starter Justin Masterson a deal in trying to appease the fandom just in case they couldn't deliver on Lester.
If they manage to land Justin that would give them a rotation of #3’s and 4’s and a bunch of unproven AAA pitchers to try to get to a 40+ year old closer. With the addition of a couple of hitters, Sandoval and Ramirez the LAST place Red Sox will need to score 10 runs a game to compete.
LARRY…LARRY...LARRY... where are you and what have you done to my baseball team?
is this Larry
or is this Larry
First place Ditkahs are in a real battle, 3 weeks to go in the first half and a 5 point lead on 2nd &3rd and 7 point lead on 4th & 5th…down to the wire with this one.
Here is a pic of my oldest son Jon and one of his Costa Rica catches from last weekend
Have a great day and check out Lanz right over there to the right, he has hired these guys to help pump you up
Sixers coach Brett Brown still trying to explain to Michael Carter-Williams how to win their first...the Sixers are 0-17
Greetings from the Hoodwood where the locals are still trying to get over the effects of the tryptophan from all the turkey that they ate this past weekend
College Football the final frantic scramble.
Its getting down to the final two weeks the last preliminary poll will be released tis evening ahead of the conference title games and as it stands its still is the top three of Alabama, Oregon and Florida State all three have to face tough opponents in their respective conference championship games this coming weekend The Pac 12 goes first in the Big Blue Jean Friday night as the Ducks look to make the first claim on a playoff spot when they take on the only team that handed them a loss, Arizona. This game might also be the chance for Marcus Mariota to make his final push for the Heisman. ON Saturday the games are even more high stakes, the SEC goes first in Atlanta where #1 Bama has to face Mizzou. By all rights this should be a walk for the Tide, Mizzou won the super weak SEC East but has an ugly losses to Indiana and Georgia, oh did I mention that both losses were at home? The loss to Georgia an especially humiliating 34-0 loss. But if the Tigers win this, the SEC might be shut out completely from the playoff picture after being in each of the last 7 title games, winning 6. Then a trio of primetime games With the ACC in Charlotte featuring much maligned Seminoles of Florida State the defending national champs and undefeated facing the super dangerous Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets who have already knocked off Georgia and could easily knock the Noles out of playoff contention. Meanwhile in Indy kicking off about 20 minutes later. The Ohio State Buckeyes all but left for dead in September after their embarrassing home loss to Virginia Tech could push their way into the playoff with a win, but facing the rugged run game of Wisconsin and their dark horse Heisman candidate Melvin Gordon III. The Bucks will be without their Heisman candidate JT Barrett who suffered a gruesome injury in the Bucks win against Michigan and turn to 3rd stringer Cardale Jones to get them in. Also the Bucks will be playing with an extra heavy heart after the death of senior walk on Kosta Karageorge who was found dead near his Columbus home over the weekend of an apparent suicide. The Big 12 doesn’t have a title game but while TCU has a lollipop game against Iowa State, Baylor has to face a toughie as they host Kansas State. Baylor has the head to head win against TCU and would have the tiebreaker. But many pundits say that the Frogs could be on the outside looking in without a definitive playoff. Could this be the beacon for the Big 12 to actually get back to 12 teams? Colorado State, Cincinnati? Could that be the Big 12 calling next year?
NBA: How bad are the Sixers?
Bad, really bad. The Sixers have lost their first 17 games of the season. Let that sink in. This is the same squad that lost the entire month of February last season when they dropped a league record 26 in a row. They are closing in on the worst start in NBA history with their next loss. Im hoping that the Minnesota Timberwolves wont be their first win. The league record for worst start is 0-18 by the 2009-2010 by the then New Jersey Nets. The Sixers might have the plastic sombrero of bad basketball the longest losing streak, longest losing streak to start the season and worst season, as the 72-73 Sixers went 9-73, this team could very well be worse. Someone tell me what this team is playing for, to get another top draft pick, oh wait they didn’t get the top pick, they weren’t even the worst team record wise last year. Someone tell me what this monstrosity of a joke team is trying to prove.
Greetings from the Hoodwood, where the locals are preparing for a turkey feast
Leading Off: More Mad Money in MLB
Boston has the duckets and they are a spending them. The BoSox just dropped $88 Million on Hanley Ramirez the speedy former Dodger gives the Sawx some speed at the top of their lineup. But the Old Town team don’t seem to be done. It looks as if the Kung Fu Panda himself Pablo Sandoval will leave the Bay to ply his wares in Beantown and shore up a notoriously weak position on the Sox. Now keep in mind that the Sox are a year removed from winning the World Series but are coming off a last place 71-91 season will Ramirez and Sandoval make that big a difference or be another set of overpaid free agents in the 617…
NBA: Panic! In the 216 Are the Cavs in trouble?
It seems like the new big three in Cleveland aren’t clicking. The triumvirate of LeBron James, Kevin Love, and Kyrie Irving looked to be the latest version of the hired guns who would come together and dominate the league. There is a small problem though, the Cavs at a pedestrian 6-7 are looking disjointed. James looks frustrated, Love looks like he wants no part of the paint, Irving looks like he doesn’t want to defer to James and David Blatt looks like a lost European coach way way out of his league. Now the Cavs won their latest, routing the youthful Magic, but the Cavs are looking up in the East at the Wizards and the rampaging Raptors who may be the best team that you’ve never heard of. The Cavs are taking time to jell but in this league, jelling better happen fast or things might get ugly. The natives are already restless.
MLB: Second thoughts about the Stanton deal
The numbers on the Giancarlo Stanton are staggering to be sure, 13 yrs $325 million. But this might be a more savvy deal than you first thought. Consider this: The deal is heavily backloaded, so the first part of the deal is really team friendly, the still have him at a fairly cheap price during his ascendant years. The deal also has an opt-out after six years so if Stanton is not happy he can head to another market. The move also makes other young stars like Justin Upton and Bryce Harper in rival divisional cities use that contract as a bar set for them to peg against. Don’t you think that those teams might have to feel the price sting of keeping their young studs and maybe having to let them go might benefit the Marlins. The number is mind blowing to be sure, but the Marlins might be crazy like a fox
PHAT DAP/HEAD SLAP
I gave dap to the awe inspiring performance of Melvin Gordon against Nebraska he broke a record that had stood for 15 years , but his record lasted barely 168 hours before Samaje Perine rushed for an obscene 427 yards against Kansas Saturday. Here’s what is so cool, Gordon was super gracious when he found that his record was broken offering hearty congratulations to the Perine, who is a true freshman. Classy. Perine for his part when informed that he was closing on the record didn’t even want it, asking to be taken out to give others a chance to play. His offensive lineman heard this and demanded that Perine be put back in to break the record. He did and still unawares that he broke the record was carried off the field by his joyous linemen. Now Perrine had already ingratiated himself to his linemen by buying them boxes of pizza before the season started and after breaking the record let his linemen celebrate the record more than he did. According to Perine, he went back to his dorm and watched cartoons. That’s a player that Hoodwood can embrace!
To the Falcons Mike Smith who’s clock mismanagement may have critically damaged the Falcons playoff aspirations. Say what you want about the Falcons being the tied for first place team at 4-6 and the Browns being in last place at 6-4 but the Falcons were writing things late in the fourth quarter and were looking to take a late lead. With the ball nearing field goal range. Smith took an inexplicable timeout, and left the Browns with their full compliment of time outs which Brian Hoyer and the Dawgs took full advantage of to race back downfield on the subsequent possession and got close enough to bang through a field goal to steal a 26-24 win. The Falcons are shockingly still tied for first in the NFC South with a hideous 4-7 record while the Browns with the win are still tied for LAST in the AFC North.
That catch by Odell Beckham Jr. Sunday night against the Pokes was SICK!!! Just ill to the maximum
Someone tell me why the Rays are overlooking a number of established managers like Dusty Baker, Ron Washington, Ron Gardenhire, and Kirk Gibson as well as noted younger talented skipper prospects like Barry Larkin, Doug Mientkiewicz, and Doug Glanville for bad retreads like Manny Acta, Don Wakamatsu, Raul Ibanez and Kevin Cash?
Is Jameis Winston the most hated player in football?
The First game Tom Brady played in was a mop up loss in a Thanksgiving snoozer against the Lions in 2000, the Lions won 34-9, this year Brady was the dominant force in the game. The score 34-9 Pats….scary.
Is RGIII on the failed Heisman Heap?
Will the Sixers win ten this year? Will they win more than once a month?
Another scary figure…my odometer in front of the Hoodwood Hideout…
And later on that day I made a purchase for $7.77….kidding…
If Brian Hoyer keeps this up, Johnny Manziel will really be teaching those aerobic classes as Johnny Jammboogie
One week Jonas Gray was a pimp with 199 yards rushing, the next week he misses a meeting and doesn’t see the field at all…lesson here don’t cross Belichick.
Notre Dame??? Look Em up under the irrelevant column…again
My Fantasy Football team might just survive that three game November slide…
My beloved Bearcats gave up 50,41 & 55 points in 3 consecutive weeks, but have rebounded nicely to shutout UConn this past Saturday and that was a week after giving up 46 to East Carolina…go figure.
I despise Lasalle High School and their paid referees
Finally from the Hoodwood to your hood, have a safe, filling and joyous Thanksgiving! Until Next Post Fellow Sports fan
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the long awaited return of the YouGabSports Turkey Bowl, presented by IHateMillen. This year, we’ve assembled 32 of the biggest douchebags, assholes, jerks, and just all around jokes in the world of sports here at beautiful JerryWorld, home of the world’s biggest jumbo-tron and ego. As part of this agreement, Jerry Jones will not be a part of this year’s 32-man tournament, and we get to use the facilities for free! Best yet, all members of the major sports media, ESPiN, FOX, CBS, and NBC, have been banned from entry here.
Before we begin the night’s festivities, let us take a moment to honor America. Tonight’s flag bearers are the Gab’s very own proud veterans: ScottJax, B.O.B., and OlHarry, who is accompanied by his Marine daughter. Thank you all for your service to this country:
Tonight’s first bout is scheduled for one fall. As is the case with every Turkey Bowl fight, there are no rules, no regulations, and the fight goes until one fighter can no longer continue. Starting the evening off is a Turkey Bowl winner in Alex Rodriguez, as he faces baseball’s young upstart douchebag Yasiel Puig. Puig has done some pretty stupid things in his limited time in the Biggs… but he’s nowhere near dry humping himself in the mirror status just yet.
Well ladies and gentlemen this is what we’ve been waiting for. Puig is a young man with impressive power and all five tools. He faces a man once thought to be baseball’s next big thing in Alex Rodriguez, who has been dogged by rumors and just finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs all this time. Of course, he waited until after the ink was dried on his contract extension to do so!
As the bell rings, Rodriguez makes the fight’s first move, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. Puig is a bit surprised by this move, waiting to see what his opponent will do next. Rodriguez pulls out a wad of cash, more American dollars than his opponent has ever seen, seeming to say there’s more where that came from. With all the well-documented legal battles Puig is involved in stemming from his Cuban defection, you wonder if he’ll lay down for A-Rod here. Sure enough, it looks like an agreement has been reached between the two, and Rodriguez will move on to the next round. This is just the kind of thing you hate to see… what a disgrace this guy is both to the game of baseball and the death match world. Rodriguez moves on, and Puig gets to settle a few legal issues. He saves his pretty face for the fists of his next opponent.
Up next, another former Turkey Bowl Champion takes the ring as LeBron James faces off with a man he has a sordid history with, former Pacer and current Hornet Lance Stephenson. LeBron’s douchebaggery is well documented world-wide… but what about Stephenson you ask? Well, before he was blowing in LeBron’s ear during the playoffs, Stephenson was raping classmates in high school (allegedly), and pushing women down stairs later on (allegedly). We’ll see if the young, hungry Stephenson really has what it takes to go toe to toe with Jesus Christ in a headband, LeBron James… the man who has “saved” Cleveland simply by coming home.
As this bout begins, Stephenson seems to be on top of his game and in the head of James, who looks like he wants no part in an actual fight. Stephenson lands a few rights, now a left, and, what’s this? That Cleveland Cavs fan that burned his LeBron James jersey after “the Decision” comes running down to the ring, wearing his newly purchased LeBron Cavs jersey… and he’s going after Stephenson. LeBron takes advantage of the distraction and grabs a steel chair, scrambling what little is there of Lance Stephenson’s brains and picking up a round one win.
Coming up next, we’ve got the highly anticipated matchup of the Sherriff Roger Goodell, who looks to cover his own ass as he takes on Ray Rice, the man he suspended indefinitely from the game he loves so very much. Roger is not the favorite of most people… but who will this crowd of feminists that has gathered at ringside side with… a man who had zero intention of pushing their agenda in Goodell, or a man who cold cocked one of their fellow ovary carriers on that Atlantic City elevator? All I know is, this is one ugly scene here at ringside… literally. All these broads, and not a looker in the bunch!
To kick the match off, Goodell begins scolding Rice on behavior “unbecoming of an NFL player”. Rice soon tires of this act, and begins beating Goodell as if he were his fiancée. But Goodell is no dummy, he brought the NFL’s PR team to ringside with him, and he plans on using them. A distraction from a pair of lawyers gets Roger back on top, and it looks like he’s going to cruise to a win here. But wait, what the hell is this? It’s DeMaurice Smith… he puts Goodell in his patented Lockout submission maneuver! Roger has no choice, he’s got to tap, and Ray Rice moves on to our next round.
Coming up next, two overhyped, overachievers take the ring as Johnny Manziel, backup NFL quarterback, takes on Jameis Winston, future backup NFL quarterback. Whose douchebaggery will reign supreme on this night? We’ll find out as tonight’s action continues:
These two young men are known for avoiding the big hit, but tonight, they look to land the big hit on one another as Johnny Football takes on Jameis Winston here at Turkey Bowl 2014. Johnny and Jameis start things off by exchanging immature gestures… Johnny throws up his little money sign, while Jameis stands on the top ropes and yells “Fuck her right in the pussy” so everybody can hear what a massive douche he is. Each young man owns a Heisman Trophy, so the next few moments break down into what is nothing more than a pose-off. Johnny takes a moment to go out and talk to his celebrity entourage, which includes Justin Bieber for some strange reason. This provides Jameis with the opening he needs, as he is able to lock in a single leg Boston Crab on Manziel… Manziel has no escape, and taps out, giving the big win to Jameis Winston. Looks like the curse of Bieber strikes again!
Next up, two of the biggest douchebags ever to meet in the first round of the Turkey Bowl extravaganza as Dick Sherman prepares to square off with Kobe Bryant. Dick made headlines many times with impressive feats of douchebaggery since the 2013 NFL playoffs… but he cuts one hell of a promo, doesn’t he? Kobe has run everyone off in LA, and is now going it alone with a virtual army of nobodies leading a terrible Lakers squad. Sherman definitely has the edge on trash talking, as he unleashes a barrage of barbs upon Kobe to begin the festivities. Kobe, never one to back down, returns fire, and the two get the fight underway. No flopping here folks, there are no NBA refs in this arena. Eventually, Dick Sherman’s youth wins out and Kobe is defeated. After the match, Sherman finds the most easily startled reporter at ringside and screams “I am the best fighter in the game, when you try me with a sorry fighter like Kobe that’s the result you gonna get”.
With Kobe gone now we move on to our next matchup, and it’s one with a lot of bad blood involved… Ryan Braun brings his performance enhanced brand of rage into the ring against the best chemist in the game, Anthony Bosch. Bosch sold Braun out after supplying him with the goods. Unless Bosch took some of his own “medicine”, there is only one realistic outcome to this fight. Sure enough, like a walk off blast, Braun makes short work of the sellout, and moves on to round number two.
Next up, a matchup that features a ton of swagger… Floyd Mayweather Jr. faces an opponent that will actually fight back… unlike his baby mama… Swaggy P, otherwise known as Nick Young. I’m honestly not sure why he calls himself this… or what in God’s name it means… but that is apparently the man’s chosen nickname. Much like what a drunk Nick Young claimed he’d do to Iggy’s ass on TMZ, Floyd does to Swaggy P here, using that million dollar punch to move on to the second round.
Coming up next, we’ve got another pair of abusive pieces of shit squaring off… one likes to abuse children, the other likes to damn near kill a porn star. Adrian Peterson hits the ring to face off with MMA fighter and current inmate War Machine, who was granted special privilege to come out here in hopes that someone would beat the living hell out of him! AD gets things started when he pulls a switch out and starts to whoopin’ War Machine. Evidently AD doesn’t know when to stop, because he stops too damn soon here, and the War Machine goes on the attack. It might not be as easy as working over Christy Mack, but War Machine does just enough damage to pick up the win over Adrian Peterson. This piece of garbage moves on to our next round.
We’re halfway through the first round of Turkey Bowl 2014, and we’ve seen some big names come and go. A-Rod, LeBron James, Ray Rice, Jameis Winston, Richard Sherman, Ryan Braun, Floyd Mayweather, and now War Machine represent the first eight to make the leap to round number two.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are receiving word of a developing situation out in the parking lot area… we now go to a live feed out there where it appears the members of the assembled sports media, including members of the ESPiN, FOX, and NBC Sports teams are now becoming involved in some sort of altercation out there. Tempers have boiled over, and now it seems they will all have a go at one another out there. Chris Berman gets his back, back, back, back broken in at least five places as this thing really starts to turn ugly. It is fairly clear that NBC and FOX have agreed to some sort of alliance in order to get the upper hand on the “Worldwide Leader”, as now Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayliss are now out of commission. Somehow, Stephen A. Smith seems to have been castrated here… it looks like Terry Bradshaw just kicked Skip Bayliss right on the bottom jaw, causing this unfortunate disaster!
Jalen Rose seems to have talked his way into a corner with Howie Long and Michael Strahan, as the two make quick work of his puny frame and poor grammar skills! ESPiN is in some serious trouble ladies and gents. Even the ladies are getting into the action… Erin Andrews thought it was an appropriate time to stop and talk about digestive health with her former colleague Hannah Storm… but Hannah has none of it as she uses a trident to get a firsthand look at the innards of Mrs.Andrews. After the dust settles, the ESPiN crew lays in a battered, broken pile. Stewart Scott is over in the corner holding a football he thinks is Chris Berman’s head, but otherwise the entire ESPiN noise machine has been silenced. The FOX and NBC sports teams are victorious, as they execute the before-fight promise to sacrifice that smarmy little windbag Bob Costas to their Gods (Murdoch and Burke)as tribute for victory. Now that’s what you call a win all the way around!
Over on the other side of the parking lot, there is a suspicious looking vehicle with the windows rolled up and what looks like four men sitting inside. Our cameras zoom in to find four guys who were scheduled to fight tonight… Josh Gordon, LeGarrette Blount, LeVeon Bell, and Justin Blackmon all sitting in there, apparently passing around a blunt! As smoke billows out of the car, the four men get out and just sort of wander off… well, it looks like a new record for this year’s Turkey Bowl… no NFL wide redivas make an appearance!
Next up, we’ve got Sidney Crosby taking on fellow NHL douchebag Brad Marchand. We’ll see how the face of the league fares against one of the dirtiest pieces of shit, on and off the ice, in the league today. Crosby starts thing off by surprising the entire audience by actually fighting and not ducking out of the way… incredible. Marchand is no stranger to the pugilistic arts, and returns fire. Once Marchand gains the upper hand, he beats Crosby like a casino security guard, gaining the victory and then stripping down to his birthday suit while yelling “I am above the law”!
In our next fight, we’ve got two of the biggest douchebags in all of college sports, as championship coaches square off when Nick Saban meets John Calipari. Will Calipari live up to his one-and-done reputation tonight? Saban is much better known for winning the big one, but he is also well known for being a crybaby and an asshole. Saban is on fire as we get things underway, and he looks like he’ll cruise to an easy win… but suddenly his cell phone rings. His face lights up and he quickly jots something down and runs from the ring… leading to a count out win for Calipari. Calipari picks up the note that Saban left behind and it reads “Got a better offer from Dana White, so I’m gone. You knew what this was.” Can’t say I’m surprised by the guy’s lack of morality or loyalty here… but I am surprised to see John Calipari make it to the next round!
In the ring now, Jay Cutler prepares for his bout with the Brewers eccentric OF Carlos Gomez… a guy who has ruffled more than a few feathers in Major League Baseball with his youthful exuberance and lack of respect for the unwritten rules of the game. This Midwest showdown comes your way, right now! Cutler starts off well, landing a few glancing blows on Gomez, who seems more interested in showing off than he is in winning this fight. But, sure enough, Cutler telegraphs his next few punches and is intercepted… and Gomez takes full advantage. He’s even got time to stand there and watch his own handiwork on the jumbo screen above as he polishes off the Bears QB… Carlos Gomez makes it to round two.
If you didn’t expect many NHL players to make this tournament, you were misled. Another all-NHL matchup comes your way now, with Patrick Kane facing off with career douchebag Matt Cooke. Cooke seems to have the edge here… his dirty tactics have drawn the ire of fans for years now. But don’t underestimate Patrick Kane… turn your back on him and he’ll drop you like a disgruntled cab driver! While Kane puts up one hell of a fight, it is Cooke who moves on to our next round after yet another douchy knee-to-knee hit to Kane, which puts him down for the count.
If you thought the Seahawks-49ers rivalry couldn’t get any bigger, you were wrong! Right now, Seahawks coach Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with a guy who just doesn’t seem to “get it”… 49ers OLB Aldon Smith. Smith has a huge size and athleticism advantage, and Carroll seems to be at a gigantic disadvantage… truly a David vs. Goliath style match here. Things start out predictably, as Smith has a clear early advantage over Carroll… he’s being tossed around like the quarterbacks Aldon Smith terrorized before being suspended for the entire first half plus of this NFL season. Suddenly, the department of homeland security arrives and ushers Aldon Smith off to a “private screening area”. Smith will most definitely be counted out here… seems like he still hasn’t learned a damn thing from last summer’s incidents… you just don’t call in fake bomb threats. Smith gets himself another body cavity search from the blue gloves, and Carroll finds a way to move on to our next round in a shocking upset!
Up next, a couple of racist tools take the ring as Percy Harvin faces off with embattled former Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Harvin has the obvious physical advantage here… just better hope he doesn’t come down with another migraine… or turf toe… or nobody breathes on him! Harvin looks like he’s ready to fight here, angry with Sterling over his alleged racism, when suddenly he sees Blake Griffin in the front row, and takes the time to hang over the top ropes and yell a few things at him about not being black enough. While this is going on, Sterling, clearly suffering from some sort of early-stage dementia, wanders off and gets counted out. Harvin celebrates his victory, but suddenly gets blasted from behind by Griffin. Harvin moves on, but his head will be ringing from that shot as the next round closes in. The crowd goes wild for Griffin, who announces he must leave to go shoot another terrible commercial for some random product nobody needs.
This has been quite a night so far, with just two first round matches left to go. We’ve seen a lot of crazy shit thus far… and we’re sure to see even more in our next battle with two massive men hitting the ring. Professional jerk ass Richie Incognito (he sure as hell isn’t playing football anymore) faces off with a different kind of bully… the woman beating douchebag Greg Hardy of the Panthers. Incognito starts things off by resorting to his old tricks, mocking Hardy and his legal woes. Hardy goes into a rage, battering the bully with lefts and rights, but Incognito quickly shows Hardy that this abuse victim actually fights back, unlike the woman Hardy beat half to death and threatened with a pile of guns in his apartment (allegedly). Incognito clearly has the upper hand here, until suddenly Jonathan Martin appears, hitting Incognito, the man who bullied him out of Miami, with a steel chair and giving the momentum back to the woman beater, Greg Hardy. Hardy takes full advantage, and he’s moving on to the next round!
In our last first round matchup, massive asshat Dwight Howard faces off with flop master Dwyane Wade in what should be a real test of wills… the wills of everyone watching that is. Howard immediately starts off by crying to the referee, who is confused since he’s really only there in spirit! Howard doesn’t really seem to understand this, and he continues jawing at the ref. While he complains, Wade comes up behind Howard, who flails his arms out in frustration. Wade is nearly elbowed in the face… and flops over. The referee begins the ten count, and Wade continues to roll around on the ground. After ten seconds of this, Wade is out, and Dwight Howard becomes the final member of our 16-man contingent to make the second round of Turkey Bowl 2014!
As we move on to the second round, here is a list of upcoming mathcups:
A-Rod vs. Ryan Braun
LeBron James vs. Dwight Howard
Matt Cooke vs. Brad Marchand
Jameis Winston vs. Carlos Gomez
Dick Sherman vs. Percy Harvin
John Calipari vs. Pete Carroll
Tag Team Match: Mayweather/War Machine vs. Hardy/Rice
To kick off the second round, we’re going to have a tag team matchup between NFL spousal abusers Ray Rice and Greg Hardy and two fighters who take their aggressions out of the ring and into the home in Floyd Mayweather Jr. and MMA fighter War Machine. The special celebrity guest referee for this match will be Dog the Bounty Hunter… the man who was finally able to bring War Machine to justice after his run from the law. “I want a clean fight brah… go with Christ”. Rice and Hardy begin to argue over who has to get into the ring first, while Mayweather and War Machine argue over who gets to start off the match. To kick things off, the smaller duo of Mayweather and Rice face off. Rice doesn’t seem to want anything to do with this matchup, but he can’t outrun Mayweather. Eventually, Mayweather corners him and proceeds to knock the hell out of him with that famous right hook. Meanwhile, War Machine has had enough waiting, as he goes after Hardy on the outside. War Machine completely decimates Hardy, putting him through the Spanish announce table, and Mayweather continues to make short work of Ray Rice. Really sucks when somebody beats the hell out of you, doesn’t it Ray? Eventually, Dog the Bounty Hunter calls for the bell and this massacre is over… Floyd and War Machine advance to the “Elite 8” of sports douchebaggery.
Next up, Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with John Calipari… two guys who made a ton of money off the backs of college kids now need to make their money on their own. Coach Cal hears a rumor that this fight could very well be in violation of NCAA rules, but of course that’s never stopped him before. Still, he feels a strange wave of conscience come over him and attempts to tell the referee that he forfeits; but it seems that Pete Carroll got the jump on him. Despite the fact that he’s no longer an NCAA coach, he heard about potential sanctions and jumped ship before Calipari even had the chance out of pure instinct! Coach Cal moves on to the Elite 8 for a change and Pete Carroll backs his way out of trouble yet again!
Next up, two former teammates square off as Dick Sherman faces off with Percy Harvin. Harvin’s head is still ringing from the post-match beating he took from Blake Griffin, and Sherman is well aware. After an extensive amount of trash talking worsens Harvin’s migraine headache, Sherman seals the win with his Pick Six move. Dick Sherman moves on, and it looks like Percy Harvin is going to be out of action for another year or so… sorry Jets fans!
Next up, rape and crab leg enthusiast Jameis Winston faces off with the passionate Carlos Gomez. Both are fine athletes in the primes of their careers, and Gomez takes an early advantage. After getting Winston down, he proceeds to take a little too much time taunting Brian McCann, who is sitting at ringside for the fight. McCann decides he’s seen enough, and gets up to confront Gomez. Just then, Winston hits a blatant low blow, then once again locks in that Boston Crab maneuver. Gomez has no choice but to tap out… and once again the Boston Crab proves to be an effective weapon for Jameis. After the match, Jimbo Fisher joins Winston in the ring, holding his hand up high and claiming to be the one who taught him that maneuver.
In the next match, two men who are hated by fans, opponents, and teammates alike, as Matt Cooke takes on fellow ice-douche Brad Marchand. Something seems off right away, as Marchand is slurring his speech and stumbling around a bit. I just received word from an anonymous source that Marchand was just thrown out of Mo’s Tavern a few minutes ago after having a few too many Fred Lite’s and getting fresh with OlHarry. Cooke takes quick advantage, and moves on to our next round.
Next, we have Dwight Howard, who breezed through his last matchup against his first opponents’ former teammate, LeBron James. These two massive egos square off to become the NBA’s sole representative in the Elite 8. Early on, Dwight takes advantage of his size and reach advantage, pummeling the chosen one with right hooks and elbows. But LeBron turns things around by tossing talcum powder right into the big man’s eyes. Howard is completely helpless, and James shows a little killer instinct for a change and is able to finish things off like an uncontested dunk. James moves on, and as usual Dwight Howard falls short of his goal.
In our final Elite 8 matchup, two of the biggest shames to the game of baseball square off as Alex Rodriguez takes on Ryan Braun. Both men are linked to the Biogenesis scandal, and both were wronged by Dr. Anthony Boesh. Braun got his revenge earlier, while Rodriguez was able to defeat his unenhanced first round opponent, Yasiel Puig. This will be a truly performance enhanced matchup, and power will be at a premium. We’ll find out which man had the better chemist as the fight begins. Braun and Rodriguez start things off by denying their use of PEDs to one another… then Rodriguez flip flops a bit and admits to using something back in 2001 when he was in Texas. Braun remains steadfast… but Rodriguez cracks and admits that yeah, he might have used them when he was in New York, too. Braun seems conflicted… should he admit it, or should he continue to deny? As he ponders this, Rodriguez commences to the corner of the ring and proceeds to dry hump himself in the mirror his handlers set up for him before the match.
Braun quickly takes note of it, and knocks Rodriguez clean through the mirror, cutting him badly. The blood is everywhere, as this is beginning to look like an easy win for Braun. Braun continues the beating, when suddenly a windowless van drives into the arena. It’s A-Rod’s cousin… A-Rod’s cousin is back again! In the confusion, he slips something to A-Rod… Rodriguez injects the substance, and is reinvigorated by the injection. Braun is powerless to stop him as Rodriguez’s superior “skill” and “ability” is on full display. Showing the kind of power that Yankees fans hope for this season after a full year away from the game, Rodriguez overcomes his early troubles and is able to defeat Braun, proving that even after a year out of action, he’s still the biggest douchebag there is the sport!
We’re down to our last eight competitors… after two grueling rounds; Alex Rodriguez, LeBron James, Matt Cooke, Jameis Winston, War Machine, Floyd Mayweather, and John Calipari are all that remain in the race to see who the biggest piece of shit in all of sports is for the year 2014! Who has what it takes? Who will reach down the deepest and become our new champion? We’ll find out, coming up next!
Now we’re back, and in our first Elite 8 matchup, Matt Cooke faces off with college football’s biggest bad boy, Jameis Winston. Cooke has a clear fighting advantage here, as Winston is just a quarterback here. Cooke has been through a couple of wars already, while Winston has used his love of crab to move on in both rounds. Cooke will have to avoid distraction in order to get out of this one… and he’ll have to avoid that half-Boston Crab Winston has used in both his fights thus far. Cooke gets off to an emphatic start, going knee to knee on the Heisman winner. But Winston saw it coming, and with Cooke laying on the ground in pain, pulls out his steel knee pad and throws it out of the ring. After an elementary application of his now famed half Boston Crab, Cooke turtles and taps, and Jameis Winston is the first of the four participants to qualify for the Fatal Fourway to determine the 2014 Turkey Bowl Champion!
Up next, Dick Sherman hits the ring for his matchup with punkass pugilist Floyd Mayweather Jr. Mayweather has breezed through Swaggy P and the team of NFL woman beaters, but Sherman should be a real challenge for him. Sherman ducks a barrage of punches by Mayweather, landing a few jabs of his own before unleashing a barrage of verbal abuse towards Floyd. Suddenly, Sherman’s LOB teammates jump over the safety railing, entering the ring and backing up their leader. Earl Thomas hits Mayweather with a spear, and Lane and Maxwell follow up with a double powerbomb. All Sherman has to do is gloat as Mayweather lies in a pile. Sherman lives up to his earlier boasting, and he’s in the finale!
In our next fight, LeBron James is a huge underdog as he goes up against trained MMA fighter War Machine, who was allowed out of prison for the night in hopes that he would take a real beating. But, despite an initial switch beating at the hands of Adrian Peterson, he’s gone relatively unscathed so far. Before the fight can even begin, there is a commotion at ringside. James awaits his opponent inside the ring, but it seems something is wrong backstage. It seems that unlike his failed prison suicide attempt, War Machine has finally succeeded at something in his life, hanging himself from an air duct in the back. Seems nobody here at the Turkey Bowl cared enough to cut that piece of trash down this time around. LeBron avoids a beating, and the world is a better place without that sack of shit around.
We’re now down to our last semifinal match, with Alex Rodriguez facing off with Kentucky Wildcats head coach John Calipari. Coach Cal begins things by trying to tell a funny story about Anthony Davis’ eyebrow… but A Rod is having none of it. He finally sees a chance to win something legitimately, as Calipari is an easy opponent for him. For the first time since high school (allegedly), Rodriguez does things the right way, and easily defeats Calipari to move on to our finale!
So through three rounds of fighting we’ve whittled away 28 other contestants and we’ve got the four biggest douchebags in sports ready to battle it out to see who truly is #1! Former Turkey Bowl Champions LeBron James and Alex Rodriguez are odds on favorites, but Dick Sherman and Jameis Winston both have strong games when it comes to being a massive asshole. Will we crown a new champion, or will the wily veterans pick up yet another Turkey Bowl trophy? We find out right after this:
Ladies and gentlemen, we are back, and our main event is set to begin. Four men, one ring, one champion… a Fatal Fourway matchup to determine who is the biggest douchebag, piece of shit, fuckstick, ass-licking motherfucker in all of sports. As the bell rings our four competitors circle, each trying to get a feel for their opponents. LeBron makes the first move, taking Winston’s legs out, seemingly angry about the beating he gave his boy Johnny Manziel earlier in the night. Rodriguez and Sherman begin shoving and Sherman is trash talking as usual. Rodriguez hits him with a performance enhanced right hook, which knocks his jaw out of place! Finally someone has shut this guy the hell up! As Rodriguez continues pummeling Dick Sherman, Jameis has turned the tables on “King James”, and has him set up for the half Boston Crab again! LeBron goes for the talcum powder to the eye trick again, but Winston sees it coming and ducks out of the way. As James attempts to regain his composure, Winston climbs the ropes and hits him with a Crab Leg Drop. Rodriguez has eliminated Dick Sherman… and he turns his attentions to Winston, who is about to eliminate LeBron. Rodriguez makes the save, and the two former champions start to work together against the young upstart. With Sherman out, it’s up to Winston to ensure there is a new champion this time around.
Winston runs the ropes, and ducks under a double clothesline attempt by James and Rodriguez. Winston then lands a roundhouse to the back of A-Rod’s head, putting him down for the count. But LeBron takes advantage and puts Jameis up into what looks like a torture rack… a throwback to the days of Lex Luger! As James struts about the ring with Winston over his shoulders, Rodriguez is counted out. We’re now down to the final two folks! Winston is in a bad way as he begins to fade… it looks like LeBron James is going to become a two-time Turkey Bowl winner! All of a sudden on the big screen, a video plays of Tim Duncan and Greg Poppovich turning up the thermostat! James watches in horror, and works feverishly to try and get Winston to give up. Soon, the temperature rises, and suddenly James gets “them cramps” again.
Winston takes advantage and gets out of the hold, and James rolls around on the mat. Jameis, never one to pass up the opportunity to take advantage of someone or something, locks in the half Boston Crab once again… and James immediately starts tapping out! Jameis Winston has done it! Jameis Winston is the Turkey Bowl champion!
We now go live to ringside with Jameis Winston, who is joined by Coach Jimbo Fisher.
IHM: Jameis, how does it feel to know you are the single biggest piece of shit in the world of sports today? Of all the douchebags out there, you are #1!
Winston: “If I’m-a do it then, I’m-a do it big”
IHM: Right… so how does it feel knowing that despite “allegedly” being a rapist, thief, and dumber than a fucking rock that you’ve overcome all the odds and proven yourself here on this stage?
Jimbo: This interview is over.
So as Jimbo Fisher ushers Jameis out of the arena with his newest trophy in tow, we say goodnight to all of you. Thanks to everybody out there for doing stupid things and making this so very easy for me! As they say in my old neighborhood… play stupid games, win stupid prizes!