Greetings from the Hoodwood, where the locals are preparing for a turkey feast
Leading Off: More Mad Money in MLB
Boston has the duckets and they are a spending them. The BoSox just dropped $88 Million on Hanley Ramirez the speedy former Dodger gives the Sawx some speed at the top of their lineup. But the Old Town team don’t seem to be done. It looks as if the Kung Fu Panda himself Pablo Sandoval will leave the Bay to ply his wares in Beantown and shore up a notoriously weak position on the Sox. Now keep in mind that the Sox are a year removed from winning the World Series but are coming off a last place 71-91 season will Ramirez and Sandoval make that big a difference or be another set of overpaid free agents in the 617…
NBA: Panic! In the 216 Are the Cavs in trouble?
It seems like the new big three in Cleveland aren’t clicking. The triumvirate of LeBron James, Kevin Love, and Kyrie Irving looked to be the latest version of the hired guns who would come together and dominate the league. There is a small problem though, the Cavs at a pedestrian 6-7 are looking disjointed. James looks frustrated, Love looks like he wants no part of the paint, Irving looks like he doesn’t want to defer to James and David Blatt looks like a lost European coach way way out of his league. Now the Cavs won their latest, routing the youthful Magic, but the Cavs are looking up in the East at the Wizards and the rampaging Raptors who may be the best team that you’ve never heard of. The Cavs are taking time to jell but in this league, jelling better happen fast or things might get ugly. The natives are already restless.
MLB: Second thoughts about the Stanton deal
The numbers on the Giancarlo Stanton are staggering to be sure, 13 yrs $325 million. But this might be a more savvy deal than you first thought. Consider this: The deal is heavily backloaded, so the first part of the deal is really team friendly, the still have him at a fairly cheap price during his ascendant years. The deal also has an opt-out after six years so if Stanton is not happy he can head to another market. The move also makes other young stars like Justin Upton and Bryce Harper in rival divisional cities use that contract as a bar set for them to peg against. Don’t you think that those teams might have to feel the price sting of keeping their young studs and maybe having to let them go might benefit the Marlins. The number is mind blowing to be sure, but the Marlins might be crazy like a fox
PHAT DAP/HEAD SLAP
I gave dap to the awe inspiring performance of Melvin Gordon against Nebraska he broke a record that had stood for 15 years , but his record lasted barely 168 hours before Samaje Perine rushed for an obscene 427 yards against Kansas Saturday. Here’s what is so cool, Gordon was super gracious when he found that his record was broken offering hearty congratulations to the Perine, who is a true freshman. Classy. Perine for his part when informed that he was closing on the record didn’t even want it, asking to be taken out to give others a chance to play. His offensive lineman heard this and demanded that Perine be put back in to break the record. He did and still unawares that he broke the record was carried off the field by his joyous linemen. Now Perrine had already ingratiated himself to his linemen by buying them boxes of pizza before the season started and after breaking the record let his linemen celebrate the record more than he did. According to Perine, he went back to his dorm and watched cartoons. That’s a player that Hoodwood can embrace!
To the Falcons Mike Smith who’s clock mismanagement may have critically damaged the Falcons playoff aspirations. Say what you want about the Falcons being the tied for first place team at 4-6 and the Browns being in last place at 6-4 but the Falcons were writing things late in the fourth quarter and were looking to take a late lead. With the ball nearing field goal range. Smith took an inexplicable timeout, and left the Browns with their full compliment of time outs which Brian Hoyer and the Dawgs took full advantage of to race back downfield on the subsequent possession and got close enough to bang through a field goal to steal a 26-24 win. The Falcons are shockingly still tied for first in the NFC South with a hideous 4-7 record while the Browns with the win are still tied for LAST in the AFC North.
That catch by Odell Beckham Jr. Sunday night against the Pokes was SICK!!! Just ill to the maximum
Someone tell me why the Rays are overlooking a number of established managers like Dusty Baker, Ron Washington, Ron Gardenhire, and Kirk Gibson as well as noted younger talented skipper prospects like Barry Larkin, Doug Mientkiewicz, and Doug Glanville for bad retreads like Manny Acta, Don Wakamatsu, Raul Ibanez and Kevin Cash?
Is Jameis Winston the most hated player in football?
The First game Tom Brady played in was a mop up loss in a Thanksgiving snoozer against the Lions in 2000, the Lions won 34-9, this year Brady was the dominant force in the game. The score 34-9 Pats….scary.
Is RGIII on the failed Heisman Heap?
Will the Sixers win ten this year? Will they win more than once a month?
Another scary figure…my odometer in front of the Hoodwood Hideout…
And later on that day I made a purchase for $7.77….kidding…
If Brian Hoyer keeps this up, Johnny Manziel will really be teaching those aerobic classes as Johnny Jammboogie
One week Jonas Gray was a pimp with 199 yards rushing, the next week he misses a meeting and doesn’t see the field at all…lesson here don’t cross Belichick.
Notre Dame??? Look Em up under the irrelevant column…again
My Fantasy Football team might just survive that three game November slide…
My beloved Bearcats gave up 50,41 & 55 points in 3 consecutive weeks, but have rebounded nicely to shutout UConn this past Saturday and that was a week after giving up 46 to East Carolina…go figure.
I despise Lasalle High School and their paid referees
Finally from the Hoodwood to your hood, have a safe, filling and joyous Thanksgiving! Until Next Post Fellow Sports fan
Despite a lengthy blog entry yesterday, there is still a bunch of news and recaps for the various Boston area sports teams that I follow to talk about.
This would be due to the fact that a lot of the teams were in action yesterday.
So let's get started...
NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION
The pro soccer team beat the New York Red Bulls 2-1 in the first leg of the Eastern Conference Finals. I have no idea what that means but I'm guessing that is a good thing.
I really haven't been following the Bruins too closely thus far. I know they are dealing with a ton of injuries. But you can check out this ESPNBoston.com report for the latest news on the team.
BOSTON RED SOX
After their 71-91 season, the Red Sox seem to be determined not to flounder their way through another season next year. While they still haven't gotten their heads out of their butts about signing a legitimate #1 starter (JON LESTER!), news reports today have the Sox signing Hanley Ramirez to a five year $90 million dollar deal. If he could ever get healthy, his bat could be a help in the lineup. But he won't be the shortstop with Xander Bogaerts pretty well established in the position.
The other news that broke today has Boston also picking up Pablo Sandoval for 5 years and nearly $100 million dollars. Given that Will Middlebrooks is not the answer at third base, Sandoval is of course going to take over at the hot corner.
The Celtics dropped to 4-8 on the season after their 94-88 loss to the Portland Trailblazers. They led after the first quarter, but were behind in the fourth. They rallied to cut the deficit to 92-88 but failed to hit any shots in the last minute of the game and went down in a stinging defeat.
Jared Sullinger (photo below) had 19 points to lead the Celtics. He added 7 rebounds and 4 assists as well.
(Photo from Celtics Twitter Feed)
Jeff Green also scored 19 points while Rajon Rondo (both players pictured below) had 13 points, 8 assists and 6 rebounds.
(Photos from the Boston Globe game photo gallery)
The big question I have about the team besides how do they straighten things out and start winning some of these tight games they seem to find themselves in, is what the heck is going on with Kelly Olynyk? He played 27 minutes last night and had 8 rebounds but failed to score in the game. He only took 3 or 4 shots the entire time he was out of the court to begin with.
I think frustration is really starting to set in with the team and something is going to come to a boiling point if the losing continues unabated.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
As the Detroit Lions headed into Foxboro, they were the #1 ranked defense in the NFL and I was rather worried that the billing of their defense would shut down the Patriot offense. Oh me of little faith apparently.
The Patriots put a whipping on the Lions to the tune of 34-9. The win improves their record to 9-2 on the season.
The defense gave up field position to the Lions in the early part of the game, but limited the damage to just field goals. They sacked Matthew Stafford twice and picked him off once. And once the offense for the Patriots took over, it wasn't long before the Lions were playing a very demoralized brand of football.
Tom Brady (pictured below) threw for 349 yards with 2 TDs (to tight end Tim Wright) and got picked off once.
Besides Wright's (#81 pictured below) 2 TD catches, the Patriots pass receivers were in fine form, led by 11 catches for 89 yards by Julian Edelman. Brandon LaFell caught 9 passes for a team leading 98 yards.
With last week's game hero Jonas Gray benched for being late to practice on Friday, newly signed (for a second tour of duty) running back LeGarrette Blount (pictured below) was called on to lead the way in the ground attack. He had 78 yards on the day and scored twice. I'm still not happy about how he quit on the Steelers, but it is hard to be unhappy with a couple of extra TDs.
(All Photos from the Patriots.com Game Photo Gallery)
BOSTON COLLEGE BASKETBALL
Men - The Eagles finished off their slate of games at the Puerto Rico Tip-off with a matchup against Dayton. Unfortunately, the Eagles never really seemed to get things going to really be a threat to win the game. Eddie Odio led BC with 11 points as the Eagles lost 65-53 to the Flyers. Olivier Hanlan (pictured below) was the only other Eagle in double figures with 10 points. Dennis Clifford had 6 points and a team high 9 rebounds as BC dropped to 2-3 on the season.
(Photo from Yahoo Sports game article)
Women - The women's team hosted Bryant University yesterday afternoon at Conte Forum. They improved to 3-1 on the season after a 90-79 victory. You can see some game highlights in the video below.
Kelly Hughes (pic below) was the team leader on offense with 23 points, including 5-8 from three point range. She added 9 rebounds and 5 assists as well.
Freshman Katie Quandt (pic below) fouled out of the game but finished with 16 points and 6 rebounds.
Nicole Boudreau added 13 points and 6 boards while Karima Gabriel (pic below) filled the stat line with 13 points, 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 blocks and a steal.
Gabriel has really been looking good on the court this year, which is a marked improvement from last season when after viewing her performances in person, I was very unimpressed. But if they can get this kind of production on a consistent basis from her, perhaps the team's fortunes will take a turn for the better once the ACC conference schedule gets started.
(All photos from the BC Facebook photo gallery)
You can see the post game press conference with coach Erik Johnson below.
Also, a special birthday shout out to the best player I ever coached. It was Allison's birthday yesterday.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Heading into last Sunday's game against the Colts, the Patriots were expected to be faced with a stiff test from the up and coming Indy team and their star QB Andrew Luck. At least that's what a lot of the talking heads were saying.
When it came time for the actual game to be played, the Patriots and their high scoring offense rolled to a 42-20 victory and showed that the Colts are not quite ready for primetime just yet. But it wasn't just the offense that made a big statement.
The defense had a solid day as well. In fact, the Patriots defense against the run was outstanding. It has been much maligned both this season and last when Jerod Mayo got injured and suddenly the Patriots couldn't stop a Pop Warner rush. When Mayo went out this year, the Patriots started out in the same ineffective style. But they've gotten better against the run and against Indy, they were outstanding.
Sure, the Colts aren't a huge run game team but when you hold a team to just 19 yards of rushing for an entire game, you can hold your head high. I know in a blowout the passing game becomes paramount but the Patriots stopped anyone that dared have the temerity to run against them. Hell, it was QB Andrew Luck with 15 total yards that was the rushing leader for the Colts when all was said and done.
Tom Brady had an unusual game. He passed for 257 yards and 2 TDs (one each to Rob Gronkowski and Tim Wright), but the talk after the game was the two interceptions he threw. While one was a routine pick off, the one he threw before the end of the first half that allowed the Colts to score and make it 14-10 going into halftime was an embarrassing throw that someone of Brady's caliber should have known better. It was going to be picked off from the second the ball left his hand. It was like some 3rd string lucky to be on the roster QB had thrown the pass.
And while all that is good, the real star of the game was running back Jonas Gray. He had one hell of a game and a week that he won't soon forget. For the game, the street free agent signing who had been cut by two other teams ran for 199 yards and 4 touchdowns. As a whole, the Patriots ran for 244 yards in the game. His rushing total was changed a couple days after the game when the Elias Sports Bureau discovered an error and he was then credited with 201 rushing yards.
Gray was named AFC Offensive Player of the Week and found himself featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Of course, this being the Patriots, the team wasn't all that impressed with his accomplishments once the game was over. First came the news that the team had signed running back LeGarrette Blount after he was cut from Pittsburgh for being an immature pinhead crybaby. And when Gray overslept and showed up late to practice on Friday, the team sent him home.
The highs and lows of being Jonas Gray, all in one week.
The Patriots are now 8-2 and face the Detroit Lions today. It should prove to be a very interesting game as the Lions defense is both formidable and phenomenal.
The biggest off the field news this past week was the announcement that Florida fired head coach Will Muschamp. When you see how far Florida has fallen from their national title glory days, the firing is not really that much of a surprise. I will say that I was surprised that the school is "letting" Muschamp finish out the season. Usually in this type of situation, the school usually just cans the guy and names an interim coach. But I'm in favor of him finishing what he started, for good or for bad.
You can read more about the story HERE. SI.com's Andy Staples had this article on Muschamp's graceful exit.
Mass Maritime - My ex-player E.J. was named to the All-MASCAC 2nd team for the third season in a row. One of the local papers had another article on another of my ex-player's and his battle with cancer. You can read about Cody and his family HERE.
Alabama - The Crimson Tide had what amounts to an "off week" for them as they crushed Western Carolina 48-14. Blake Sims did get picked off once but he threw for two touchdowns. Backup QB Jake Coker also threw a TD.
Derrick Henry (pictured below) ran for 92 yards and 2 TDs (while losing a fumble). He also caught a 9 yard passing TD. Tyren Jones added another ground game TD.
In total, Alabama outgained the Catamounts 612-213. Their defense held Western Carolina to MINUS 8 yards rushing.
Alabama stands at 10-1 after this victory. They were #1 in the playoff rankings this week but given the relative low level of competition from their opponent, I don't know if they'll maintain that standing when the new rankings come out.
Receiver Amari Cooper left the game early after getting dinged up but reports have him saying that he'll be ready for next week's Iron Bowl game vs. Auburn.
Boston College - The Eagles were on the road this week with a national TV spotlight game against the #1 team in the country (in both football rankings and criminal activity), Florida State.
As for the game, I was so nervous that I found it hard to watch the game. And as it turned out I missed an excellent but ultimately disappointing matchup as Boston College gave Florida State all it could handle before losing 20-17. The game went down to the last three seconds and was decided by a field goal.
Tyler Murphy completed 6 of 10 passes for 73 yards, 49 of which came on a TD pass to Shakim Phillip (see below 1st). Murphy also ran for a TD. He got sacked once (see below 2nd).
The BC pass defense gave up 281 passing yards to Jameis Winston, but they sacked him once and picked him off as well. They also managed to hold the Seminoles to just 109 rushing yards, while the offense racked up 240 rushing yards of their own.
You can see highlights of the game below.
At the end of the game, the announcer started talking about how BC fans might have to get used to the idea that coach Steve Addazio might not be long for The Heights. He used to coach at Florida and with the Gators job open and Addazio doing good things with the Eagles, he's bound to be a serious candidate for the position.
I have really enjoyed what Addazio (pictured below) has done with the Eagles thus far and I'd really hate for him to leave with the job unfinished. I fully realize that coaching Florida is a far bigger job in terms of prestige and opportunity to compete for a national title, but as a BC fan, I want to see him stay right where he is.
Boston College is 6-5 on the season.
I wrote about some of the games played earlier in the week in a separate blog post that you can check out HERE.
The Boston Globe had a feature article on the new Boston University head coach Katy Steding. You can read that story via this link.
Bruce Pearl is back in coaching as the new head coach of Auburn University. He's becoming fully immersed in everything Auburn and recently took part in a basketball trick shot video. You can read the article here and see the full video below.
Meanwhile, Lauren Hill made more news this week for Mount Saint Joseph University. Despite her health continuing to decline, she went to her team's road game vs. Bethany College. She was in uniform and despite battling dizziness, got into the game for the second half and scored. You can read about Hill's 2nd college game HERE.
The video of her basket is below.
And here are some pics from the game.
Taking the shot:
Pregame Warm Up Shirts worn by the Bethany College team:
Boston College Men - The men's team was in Puerto Rico this week playing in the Puerto Rico Tip Off tournament. They opened up their three game set in the tournament against New Mexico. Despite it being a tough matchup, the Eagles pulled out a 69-65 victory behind 20 points and 6 assists from Olivier Hanlan. Aaron Brown scored 16 points in the game but also led the team with 5 turnovers. Patrick Heckmann added 11 points and Dennis Clifford (pictured below) finished with 6 points and a team high 8 rebounds.
(PHOTO FROM THE BOSTON HERALD)
The team's second game was against West Virginia and the Eagles held a 32-21 lead at halftime. But in the second half, the Mountaineers offense took over and built a lead. The Eagles rallied but fell short in the end and lost 70-66. West Virginia took control of the game with a 33-16 run over the course of an 11 minute span.
Olivier Hanlan led the Eagles with 23 points and 4 steals (He had 5 turnovers to lead the team as well). Patrick Heckmann (pictured below) scored 14 points and grabbed a team leading 7 rebounds. Aaron Brown added 10 points.
(PHOTO BY ASSOCIATED PRESS)
Boston College saw their 21 turnovers turned into 20 points by West Virginia. The Eagles are now 2-2 and will play Dayton later this afternoon.
Hartford Hawks - Hartford's successful start to their season continued wtih a tough 57-54 victory over Providence College. Their record is now 3-0. Amber Bepko (pictured below) finished with 23 points (her second straight 20 plus point game) to power the Hawks offense. Cherelle Moore scored 12 points and had a team high 9 rebounds. Deanna Mayza scored 7 points and dished out a career high 9 assists. One of those assists fed Bepko's three pointer that broke a 52-52 tie.
(PHOTO FROM GAME RECAP ARTICLE)
You can see highlights from the game and coach Jennifer Rizzotti's post game press conference (as well as comments from Amber Bepko) below.
Missouri State - The Bears ran into a buzzsaw in the form of #19 Oklahoma State on Saturday afternoon. While being held to just 27.3% shooting and 18 turnovers (which OSU turned into 21 points), Missouri State ended up losing 77-36. The team falls to 0-3 on the season.
Liza Fruendt scored 11 points to lead the Bears while Hillary Chvatal (pictured below) had a team high 11 boards.
Tennessee LADY VOLS - On Friday night, Tennessee faced off against Winthrop and came away with a resounding 81-48 victory. The team is now 3-0 on the season and all three wins have been blowouts. Of course, these early season games against decidedly weaker opponents won't mean nearly as much when the Lady Vols start playing their more difficult part of the schedule.
But I like what I'm seeing from the players thus far as the entire roster seems to be making contributions in every aspect of the game. Ariel Massengale (pictured below) led the team with 20 points. She was 6-10 from three point range, including hitting her first five attempts.
Bashaara Graves (pictured below) had her third straight double-double with 15 points and 10 boards. Nia Moore scored 14 points and Jaime Nared added 10.
But looking deeper at the box score will reveal some excellent guard play from both Jordan Reynolds and Andraya Carter (pictured below). Reynolds scored 6 points but grabbed 8 boards and dished out 7 assists. Carter had 9 points for the game while wrapping up 6 steals and 5 rebounds.
Cierra Burdick (pictured below) saw her first game action of the season and while she didn't score in the game she did corral 10 rebounds and tally 4 assists.
(ALL PHOTOS FROM TENNESSEE GAME PHOTO GALLERY)
If the team can get that kind of top to bottom production from their roster when they start playing their ranked opponents, things could be VERY interesting all season long.
You can check out what coach Holly Warlick had to say about the game below.
Boston College Women - The BC women opened up their home slate of games on Thursday night by hosting the Boston University Terriers. Before the game, the team's Twitter page had photos of the team poster and the first game program.
As for the game, the Eagles rolled to 2-1 with a 73-56 victory over the Terriers. Kelly Hughes (pictured below) had her first career double-double with 16 points and 11 rebounds. She added 6 assists and 4 steals to her stat line as well.
Karima Gabriel finished with 11 points, 5 rebounds and 4 blocks while Kat Cooper (pictured below) had 10 points.
Boston College also got some help in their offense from the outside. Emilee Daley (pictured 1st) and Nicole Boudreau (pictured 2nd) hit three 3 pointers in the game to finish with 9 points apiece.
(ALL PHOTOS TAKEN FROM EITHER GAME RECAP ARTICLE CREDITED TO JOHN QUACKENBOS OR THE BC WBB FACEBOOK PAGE PHOTO GALLERY)
You can get coach Erik Johnson's take on the game below.
You can check out what I had to say about my Boston Celtics this week in my latest Celtics Report.
Meanwhile, for sports fans who hate when teams tank, SI.com's Phil Taylor tells the tale of this year's Philadelphia 76ers. Not only is the team losing on purpose, they are doing it blatantly. There is no doubt that the powers that be in the organization would be happy if the team went 0-82 so they could get yet another top draft pick.
It has gotten so bad that the pizza chain Papa John's recently had to change the terms of an incentive deal for fans. It was supposed to be a deal for fans when the Sixers won a game. But after an 0-11 start gave rise to thoughts the team might not win a game, now the deal is for when the team scores 90 points in a game (win or lose). You can check out this pathetic story HERE.
We've all read the stories about how athletes end up going through all the money they made during the course of a career. Whether it is because they buy everything in sight, support an extended network of lazy ass friends and relatives or make a series of bad investments, there's a seemingly endless list of athletes who made millions upon millions of dollars that end up broke.
Mostly, you think that they are idiots. But sometimes you may just feel sorry for them. In the case of Columbus Blue Jackets defenseman Jack Johnson, even my cold unsympathetic heart was stirred as I read the story of how he filed for bankruptcy on October 7th. And he's still in the course of his career. And why is he broke? Because he trusted people close to him that should've been the most trustworthy of people to let run your "financial empire". Instead, Johnson's PARENTS have managed to get him in debt from anywhere between 10 and 15 million dollars.
You can read this tale of why you should never trust anyone you are related to with your money HERE.
If you've been following the scandals surrounding USA Swimming and the multiple claims of rampant sexual abuse, this story from Outside Magazine will likely just be more confirmation of the horrors that have been essentially allowed to go unchecked for years. If you haven't followed the story, it will make you recoil in horror.
I know that I'm beginning to sound like a broken record but once again, I managed to go 0-2 in fantasy football last week. Of course, I was in a good position to win in one of the leagues. Or so I thought. I was behind by a few points heading into Monday's game but figured I would be able to pull ahead because my opponent only had 1 guy and I didn't think he would score more points than my two players.
And then Le'Veon Bell rang up 48 fantasy points for the other guy and my dreams of a win stayed exactly that...a dream.
As a kid growing up in the 80's, I was one of millions entertained by pro wrestling. So on occasion, I see articles about the guys I watched growing up and how their lives are now. Sometimes they are good stories, often they are really bad stories. This week, there was the story about Kamala, The Ugandan Giant. Long retired, he's living life as a double amputee now. You can read more via this BleacherReport.com article.
HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS
While the Wareham High football team was off this week in preparation for their Turkey Day game against arch-rival Bourne, the school held their annual powder puff game. The senior and freshman girls teamed up agains the sophomore and junior girls.
Gabby, one of my ex-players, scored two touchdowns and picked off two passes during the game to help the senior/freshman team win the game. The local sports reporter covering the game tweeted out that she was the MVP of the game. The pic of one of her interceptions he sent along with the tweet is below.
I'm always proud to see her doing so well athletically. WAY TO GO GABBY!
Books - I finished the John Sandford novel Storm Front this week. It's the latest paperback in his Virgil Flowers series. It was a decent entry into the series and I'm looking forward to his next installment. Don't forget to be on the lookout for my 2014 Top 10 Mystery/Thrillers article that will be coming out by the end of the year.
Music - AC/DC has released an audio stream of the title track for their new CD Rock or Bust. You can listen to it below.
I've got a brand new CD review for you to check out this week. This time around it is for the new Robert Plant album lullaby and...The Ceaseless Roar. You can check out what I had to say via this Pop-topia.com link.
Thanksgiving - I had to finish my Turkey Day shopping on Saturday and I'll be cooking a lot of the dinner on Thursday. Here's hoping you all have a...
The week began with the Celtics sending both Dwight Powell and James Young down to the Maine Red Claws to get them some game action while they sit at the end of the Celtics rotation. It appears this will be a regular plan with the two players as the season progresses.
As for the on court actions of the Celtics, it was a hit and miss kind of week.
Boston stands at 4-7 now after three games that were a mishmash collection of moments of happiness, frustration and questions of what the hell?
Things started off against the Phoenix Suns. The Celtics were down by double digits in the game but fired back with a rally that saw them tie the score at 114. But Suns player Eric Bledsoe got a steal and a dunk in the last minute of the game that ended up being the deciding points in a 118-114 loss for Boston.
Jeff Green had a 28 points to lead the team scoring. Tyler Zeller had a huge game with 19 points and 7 boards. Jared Sullinger added 18 points and 8 rebounds. Avery Bradley finished with 16 points and Rajon Rondo had 14 points, 10 rebounds and 9 assists.
But this game raised the question about what the Celtics might be able to accomplish if they stopped finding themselves down so much in games. They have the ability to score, the comebacks prove that. But their defense, particularly in late game situations has not only been question, but absolutely pilloried. They've been TERRIBLE defensively.
The local sports reporter here in town sent out a tweet referencing a Jeff Green dunk that said "For the few remaining C's fans out there..." I had to respond back that my fandom for the Celtics never fades, despite my frustration with the team." He retweeted my response. But it is a true thing and my fandom is summed up by a T-shirt I saw earlier in the week.
Things improved a little bit midweek when the 76ers were on the schedule. As most anyone knows, Philadelphia is purposely trying to lose games this year. They are tanking the season and aren't even attempting to hide it even a little bit. They were 0-10 coming into the game and everyone is teeing off on them. (You can read more about that in my Sunday Musings blog tomorrow.)
Boston ended up taking the game 101-90 for their 4th win of the year. The funny thing for me was when I read the score, I thought, "they only won by 11 points over a team trying to lose?" The Sixers were so blatantly tanking this game that they were down just 10 points with 3 minutes left and one of the commentators on the news program following the game said that they made no aggressive attempt to try and get back into the game.
But one point or a hundred, the margin of victory isn't as important as the victory itself.
Brandon Bass, the forgotten man of the Celtics, was on fire during this game and scored 23 points. Jared Sullinger added 22 points and 9 boards. The Celtics got 13 points from Marcus Thornton and 11 points and 10 boards from Jeff Green.
On Friday night, the Celtics squared off against the Memphis Grizzlies. Memphis is the best team in the NBA (record-wise) right now and they showed it against Boston. They won the game 117-100 and it was likely not even that close. This despite the Grizzlies seeing 7 players affected by a stomach virus and the team obviously not quite up to snuff in terms of physical health.
The Grizzlies outrebounded the Celtics 50-38 and the lack of a physical post defense from Boston saw the Grizzlies outscore them in the paint 66-38. They led by as many as 21 points in the fourth quarter. Marc Gasol led Memphis with a career high tying 32 points. Zach Randolph had 16 points and 16 boards despite sitting the entire fourth quarter because Memphis was so far ahead.
As for Boston's offense, Kelly Olynyk scored 18 points to lead 6 players in double figures for the Celtics. And while that is a decent point total, coach Brad Stevens wasn't totally sold on his performance, or rather the seeming lack of consistent performance from the team as a whole. He said that there were times that Olynyk showed flashes, but added, "Maybe there are some learning experiences for these guys, but they have to expedite that curve because they're playing for us. We're not showing them film and learning after practice. They're playing in games."
I think the losing or rather the way the team is losing is starting to wear a bit thin on the coach and it is nice to see that he isn't just silently stewing. I think that the team does need a bit of a fire lit under them. They have found numerous ways to lose games this year so far and they really need to start fine-tuning things so that they can be a better team in the end.
I know that playoffs are a stretch, but I would like to see them at least be in the mix for a playoff spot for a while. The Celtics have talent, that is unquestioned. But they need to play more consistently on both offense and defense. If they do that, they can win more games and be harder to team to deal with for the top flight teams in the NBA.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the long awaited return of the YouGabSports Turkey Bowl, presented by IHateMillen. This year, we’ve assembled 32 of the biggest douchebags, assholes, jerks, and just all around jokes in the world of sports here at beautiful JerryWorld, home of the world’s biggest jumbo-tron and ego. As part of this agreement, Jerry Jones will not be a part of this year’s 32-man tournament, and we get to use the facilities for free! Best yet, all members of the major sports media, ESPiN, FOX, CBS, and NBC, have been banned from entry here.
Before we begin the night’s festivities, let us take a moment to honor America. Tonight’s flag bearers are the Gab’s very own proud veterans: ScottJax, B.O.B., and OlHarry, who is accompanied by his Marine daughter. Thank you all for your service to this country:
Tonight’s first bout is scheduled for one fall. As is the case with every Turkey Bowl fight, there are no rules, no regulations, and the fight goes until one fighter can no longer continue. Starting the evening off is a Turkey Bowl winner in Alex Rodriguez, as he faces baseball’s young upstart douchebag Yasiel Puig. Puig has done some pretty stupid things in his limited time in the Biggs… but he’s nowhere near dry humping himself in the mirror status just yet.
Well ladies and gentlemen this is what we’ve been waiting for. Puig is a young man with impressive power and all five tools. He faces a man once thought to be baseball’s next big thing in Alex Rodriguez, who has been dogged by rumors and just finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs all this time. Of course, he waited until after the ink was dried on his contract extension to do so!
As the bell rings, Rodriguez makes the fight’s first move, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. Puig is a bit surprised by this move, waiting to see what his opponent will do next. Rodriguez pulls out a wad of cash, more American dollars than his opponent has ever seen, seeming to say there’s more where that came from. With all the well-documented legal battles Puig is involved in stemming from his Cuban defection, you wonder if he’ll lay down for A-Rod here. Sure enough, it looks like an agreement has been reached between the two, and Rodriguez will move on to the next round. This is just the kind of thing you hate to see… what a disgrace this guy is both to the game of baseball and the death match world. Rodriguez moves on, and Puig gets to settle a few legal issues. He saves his pretty face for the fists of his next opponent.
Up next, another former Turkey Bowl Champion takes the ring as LeBron James faces off with a man he has a sordid history with, former Pacer and current Hornet Lance Stephenson. LeBron’s douchebaggery is well documented world-wide… but what about Stephenson you ask? Well, before he was blowing in LeBron’s ear during the playoffs, Stephenson was raping classmates in high school (allegedly), and pushing women down stairs later on (allegedly). We’ll see if the young, hungry Stephenson really has what it takes to go toe to toe with Jesus Christ in a headband, LeBron James… the man who has “saved” Cleveland simply by coming home.
As this bout begins, Stephenson seems to be on top of his game and in the head of James, who looks like he wants no part in an actual fight. Stephenson lands a few rights, now a left, and, what’s this? That Cleveland Cavs fan that burned his LeBron James jersey after “the Decision” comes running down to the ring, wearing his newly purchased LeBron Cavs jersey… and he’s going after Stephenson. LeBron takes advantage of the distraction and grabs a steel chair, scrambling what little is there of Lance Stephenson’s brains and picking up a round one win.
Coming up next, we’ve got the highly anticipated matchup of the Sherriff Roger Goodell, who looks to cover his own ass as he takes on Ray Rice, the man he suspended indefinitely from the game he loves so very much. Roger is not the favorite of most people… but who will this crowd of feminists that has gathered at ringside side with… a man who had zero intention of pushing their agenda in Goodell, or a man who cold cocked one of their fellow ovary carriers on that Atlantic City elevator? All I know is, this is one ugly scene here at ringside… literally. All these broads, and not a looker in the bunch!
To kick the match off, Goodell begins scolding Rice on behavior “unbecoming of an NFL player”. Rice soon tires of this act, and begins beating Goodell as if he were his fiancée. But Goodell is no dummy, he brought the NFL’s PR team to ringside with him, and he plans on using them. A distraction from a pair of lawyers gets Roger back on top, and it looks like he’s going to cruise to a win here. But wait, what the hell is this? It’s DeMaurice Smith… he puts Goodell in his patented Lockout submission maneuver! Roger has no choice, he’s got to tap, and Ray Rice moves on to our next round.
Coming up next, two overhyped, overachievers take the ring as Johnny Manziel, backup NFL quarterback, takes on Jameis Winston, future backup NFL quarterback. Whose douchebaggery will reign supreme on this night? We’ll find out as tonight’s action continues:
These two young men are known for avoiding the big hit, but tonight, they look to land the big hit on one another as Johnny Football takes on Jameis Winston here at Turkey Bowl 2014. Johnny and Jameis start things off by exchanging immature gestures… Johnny throws up his little money sign, while Jameis stands on the top ropes and yells “Fuck her right in the pussy” so everybody can hear what a massive douche he is. Each young man owns a Heisman Trophy, so the next few moments break down into what is nothing more than a pose-off. Johnny takes a moment to go out and talk to his celebrity entourage, which includes Justin Bieber for some strange reason. This provides Jameis with the opening he needs, as he is able to lock in a single leg Boston Crab on Manziel… Manziel has no escape, and taps out, giving the big win to Jameis Winston. Looks like the curse of Bieber strikes again!
Next up, two of the biggest douchebags ever to meet in the first round of the Turkey Bowl extravaganza as Dick Sherman prepares to square off with Kobe Bryant. Dick made headlines many times with impressive feats of douchebaggery since the 2013 NFL playoffs… but he cuts one hell of a promo, doesn’t he? Kobe has run everyone off in LA, and is now going it alone with a virtual army of nobodies leading a terrible Lakers squad. Sherman definitely has the edge on trash talking, as he unleashes a barrage of barbs upon Kobe to begin the festivities. Kobe, never one to back down, returns fire, and the two get the fight underway. No flopping here folks, there are no NBA refs in this arena. Eventually, Dick Sherman’s youth wins out and Kobe is defeated. After the match, Sherman finds the most easily startled reporter at ringside and screams “I am the best fighter in the game, when you try me with a sorry fighter like Kobe that’s the result you gonna get”.
With Kobe gone now we move on to our next matchup, and it’s one with a lot of bad blood involved… Ryan Braun brings his performance enhanced brand of rage into the ring against the best chemist in the game, Anthony Bosch. Bosch sold Braun out after supplying him with the goods. Unless Bosch took some of his own “medicine”, there is only one realistic outcome to this fight. Sure enough, like a walk off blast, Braun makes short work of the sellout, and moves on to round number two.
Next up, a matchup that features a ton of swagger… Floyd Mayweather Jr. faces an opponent that will actually fight back… unlike his baby mama… Swaggy P, otherwise known as Nick Young. I’m honestly not sure why he calls himself this… or what in God’s name it means… but that is apparently the man’s chosen nickname. Much like what a drunk Nick Young claimed he’d do to Iggy’s ass on TMZ, Floyd does to Swaggy P here, using that million dollar punch to move on to the second round.
Coming up next, we’ve got another pair of abusive pieces of shit squaring off… one likes to abuse children, the other likes to damn near kill a porn star. Adrian Peterson hits the ring to face off with MMA fighter and current inmate War Machine, who was granted special privilege to come out here in hopes that someone would beat the living hell out of him! AD gets things started when he pulls a switch out and starts to whoopin’ War Machine. Evidently AD doesn’t know when to stop, because he stops too damn soon here, and the War Machine goes on the attack. It might not be as easy as working over Christy Mack, but War Machine does just enough damage to pick up the win over Adrian Peterson. This piece of garbage moves on to our next round.
We’re halfway through the first round of Turkey Bowl 2014, and we’ve seen some big names come and go. A-Rod, LeBron James, Ray Rice, Jameis Winston, Richard Sherman, Ryan Braun, Floyd Mayweather, and now War Machine represent the first eight to make the leap to round number two.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are receiving word of a developing situation out in the parking lot area… we now go to a live feed out there where it appears the members of the assembled sports media, including members of the ESPiN, FOX, and NBC Sports teams are now becoming involved in some sort of altercation out there. Tempers have boiled over, and now it seems they will all have a go at one another out there. Chris Berman gets his back, back, back, back broken in at least five places as this thing really starts to turn ugly. It is fairly clear that NBC and FOX have agreed to some sort of alliance in order to get the upper hand on the “Worldwide Leader”, as now Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayliss are now out of commission. Somehow, Stephen A. Smith seems to have been castrated here… it looks like Terry Bradshaw just kicked Skip Bayliss right on the bottom jaw, causing this unfortunate disaster!
Jalen Rose seems to have talked his way into a corner with Howie Long and Michael Strahan, as the two make quick work of his puny frame and poor grammar skills! ESPiN is in some serious trouble ladies and gents. Even the ladies are getting into the action… Erin Andrews thought it was an appropriate time to stop and talk about digestive health with her former colleague Hannah Storm… but Hannah has none of it as she uses a trident to get a firsthand look at the innards of Mrs.Andrews. After the dust settles, the ESPiN crew lays in a battered, broken pile. Stewart Scott is over in the corner holding a football he thinks is Chris Berman’s head, but otherwise the entire ESPiN noise machine has been silenced. The FOX and NBC sports teams are victorious, as they execute the before-fight promise to sacrifice that smarmy little windbag Bob Costas to their Gods (Murdoch and Burke)as tribute for victory. Now that’s what you call a win all the way around!
Over on the other side of the parking lot, there is a suspicious looking vehicle with the windows rolled up and what looks like four men sitting inside. Our cameras zoom in to find four guys who were scheduled to fight tonight… Josh Gordon, LeGarrette Blount, LeVeon Bell, and Justin Blackmon all sitting in there, apparently passing around a blunt! As smoke billows out of the car, the four men get out and just sort of wander off… well, it looks like a new record for this year’s Turkey Bowl… no NFL wide redivas make an appearance!
Next up, we’ve got Sidney Crosby taking on fellow NHL douchebag Brad Marchand. We’ll see how the face of the league fares against one of the dirtiest pieces of shit, on and off the ice, in the league today. Crosby starts thing off by surprising the entire audience by actually fighting and not ducking out of the way… incredible. Marchand is no stranger to the pugilistic arts, and returns fire. Once Marchand gains the upper hand, he beats Crosby like a casino security guard, gaining the victory and then stripping down to his birthday suit while yelling “I am above the law”!
In our next fight, we’ve got two of the biggest douchebags in all of college sports, as championship coaches square off when Nick Saban meets John Calipari. Will Calipari live up to his one-and-done reputation tonight? Saban is much better known for winning the big one, but he is also well known for being a crybaby and an asshole. Saban is on fire as we get things underway, and he looks like he’ll cruise to an easy win… but suddenly his cell phone rings. His face lights up and he quickly jots something down and runs from the ring… leading to a count out win for Calipari. Calipari picks up the note that Saban left behind and it reads “Got a better offer from Dana White, so I’m gone. You knew what this was.” Can’t say I’m surprised by the guy’s lack of morality or loyalty here… but I am surprised to see John Calipari make it to the next round!
In the ring now, Jay Cutler prepares for his bout with the Brewers eccentric OF Carlos Gomez… a guy who has ruffled more than a few feathers in Major League Baseball with his youthful exuberance and lack of respect for the unwritten rules of the game. This Midwest showdown comes your way, right now! Cutler starts off well, landing a few glancing blows on Gomez, who seems more interested in showing off than he is in winning this fight. But, sure enough, Cutler telegraphs his next few punches and is intercepted… and Gomez takes full advantage. He’s even got time to stand there and watch his own handiwork on the jumbo screen above as he polishes off the Bears QB… Carlos Gomez makes it to round two.
If you didn’t expect many NHL players to make this tournament, you were misled. Another all-NHL matchup comes your way now, with Patrick Kane facing off with career douchebag Matt Cooke. Cooke seems to have the edge here… his dirty tactics have drawn the ire of fans for years now. But don’t underestimate Patrick Kane… turn your back on him and he’ll drop you like a disgruntled cab driver! While Kane puts up one hell of a fight, it is Cooke who moves on to our next round after yet another douchy knee-to-knee hit to Kane, which puts him down for the count.
If you thought the Seahawks-49ers rivalry couldn’t get any bigger, you were wrong! Right now, Seahawks coach Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with a guy who just doesn’t seem to “get it”… 49ers OLB Aldon Smith. Smith has a huge size and athleticism advantage, and Carroll seems to be at a gigantic disadvantage… truly a David vs. Goliath style match here. Things start out predictably, as Smith has a clear early advantage over Carroll… he’s being tossed around like the quarterbacks Aldon Smith terrorized before being suspended for the entire first half plus of this NFL season. Suddenly, the department of homeland security arrives and ushers Aldon Smith off to a “private screening area”. Smith will most definitely be counted out here… seems like he still hasn’t learned a damn thing from last summer’s incidents… you just don’t call in fake bomb threats. Smith gets himself another body cavity search from the blue gloves, and Carroll finds a way to move on to our next round in a shocking upset!
Up next, a couple of racist tools take the ring as Percy Harvin faces off with embattled former Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Harvin has the obvious physical advantage here… just better hope he doesn’t come down with another migraine… or turf toe… or nobody breathes on him! Harvin looks like he’s ready to fight here, angry with Sterling over his alleged racism, when suddenly he sees Blake Griffin in the front row, and takes the time to hang over the top ropes and yell a few things at him about not being black enough. While this is going on, Sterling, clearly suffering from some sort of early-stage dementia, wanders off and gets counted out. Harvin celebrates his victory, but suddenly gets blasted from behind by Griffin. Harvin moves on, but his head will be ringing from that shot as the next round closes in. The crowd goes wild for Griffin, who announces he must leave to go shoot another terrible commercial for some random product nobody needs.
This has been quite a night so far, with just two first round matches left to go. We’ve seen a lot of crazy shit thus far… and we’re sure to see even more in our next battle with two massive men hitting the ring. Professional jerk ass Richie Incognito (he sure as hell isn’t playing football anymore) faces off with a different kind of bully… the woman beating douchebag Greg Hardy of the Panthers. Incognito starts things off by resorting to his old tricks, mocking Hardy and his legal woes. Hardy goes into a rage, battering the bully with lefts and rights, but Incognito quickly shows Hardy that this abuse victim actually fights back, unlike the woman Hardy beat half to death and threatened with a pile of guns in his apartment (allegedly). Incognito clearly has the upper hand here, until suddenly Jonathan Martin appears, hitting Incognito, the man who bullied him out of Miami, with a steel chair and giving the momentum back to the woman beater, Greg Hardy. Hardy takes full advantage, and he’s moving on to the next round!
In our last first round matchup, massive asshat Dwight Howard faces off with flop master Dwyane Wade in what should be a real test of wills… the wills of everyone watching that is. Howard immediately starts off by crying to the referee, who is confused since he’s really only there in spirit! Howard doesn’t really seem to understand this, and he continues jawing at the ref. While he complains, Wade comes up behind Howard, who flails his arms out in frustration. Wade is nearly elbowed in the face… and flops over. The referee begins the ten count, and Wade continues to roll around on the ground. After ten seconds of this, Wade is out, and Dwight Howard becomes the final member of our 16-man contingent to make the second round of Turkey Bowl 2014!
As we move on to the second round, here is a list of upcoming mathcups:
A-Rod vs. Ryan Braun
LeBron James vs. Dwight Howard
Matt Cooke vs. Brad Marchand
Jameis Winston vs. Carlos Gomez
Dick Sherman vs. Percy Harvin
John Calipari vs. Pete Carroll
Tag Team Match: Mayweather/War Machine vs. Hardy/Rice
To kick off the second round, we’re going to have a tag team matchup between NFL spousal abusers Ray Rice and Greg Hardy and two fighters who take their aggressions out of the ring and into the home in Floyd Mayweather Jr. and MMA fighter War Machine. The special celebrity guest referee for this match will be Dog the Bounty Hunter… the man who was finally able to bring War Machine to justice after his run from the law. “I want a clean fight brah… go with Christ”. Rice and Hardy begin to argue over who has to get into the ring first, while Mayweather and War Machine argue over who gets to start off the match. To kick things off, the smaller duo of Mayweather and Rice face off. Rice doesn’t seem to want anything to do with this matchup, but he can’t outrun Mayweather. Eventually, Mayweather corners him and proceeds to knock the hell out of him with that famous right hook. Meanwhile, War Machine has had enough waiting, as he goes after Hardy on the outside. War Machine completely decimates Hardy, putting him through the Spanish announce table, and Mayweather continues to make short work of Ray Rice. Really sucks when somebody beats the hell out of you, doesn’t it Ray? Eventually, Dog the Bounty Hunter calls for the bell and this massacre is over… Floyd and War Machine advance to the “Elite 8” of sports douchebaggery.
Next up, Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with John Calipari… two guys who made a ton of money off the backs of college kids now need to make their money on their own. Coach Cal hears a rumor that this fight could very well be in violation of NCAA rules, but of course that’s never stopped him before. Still, he feels a strange wave of conscience come over him and attempts to tell the referee that he forfeits; but it seems that Pete Carroll got the jump on him. Despite the fact that he’s no longer an NCAA coach, he heard about potential sanctions and jumped ship before Calipari even had the chance out of pure instinct! Coach Cal moves on to the Elite 8 for a change and Pete Carroll backs his way out of trouble yet again!
Next up, two former teammates square off as Dick Sherman faces off with Percy Harvin. Harvin’s head is still ringing from the post-match beating he took from Blake Griffin, and Sherman is well aware. After an extensive amount of trash talking worsens Harvin’s migraine headache, Sherman seals the win with his Pick Six move. Dick Sherman moves on, and it looks like Percy Harvin is going to be out of action for another year or so… sorry Jets fans!
Next up, rape and crab leg enthusiast Jameis Winston faces off with the passionate Carlos Gomez. Both are fine athletes in the primes of their careers, and Gomez takes an early advantage. After getting Winston down, he proceeds to take a little too much time taunting Brian McCann, who is sitting at ringside for the fight. McCann decides he’s seen enough, and gets up to confront Gomez. Just then, Winston hits a blatant low blow, then once again locks in that Boston Crab maneuver. Gomez has no choice but to tap out… and once again the Boston Crab proves to be an effective weapon for Jameis. After the match, Jimbo Fisher joins Winston in the ring, holding his hand up high and claiming to be the one who taught him that maneuver.
In the next match, two men who are hated by fans, opponents, and teammates alike, as Matt Cooke takes on fellow ice-douche Brad Marchand. Something seems off right away, as Marchand is slurring his speech and stumbling around a bit. I just received word from an anonymous source that Marchand was just thrown out of Mo’s Tavern a few minutes ago after having a few too many Fred Lite’s and getting fresh with OlHarry. Cooke takes quick advantage, and moves on to our next round.
Next, we have Dwight Howard, who breezed through his last matchup against his first opponents’ former teammate, LeBron James. These two massive egos square off to become the NBA’s sole representative in the Elite 8. Early on, Dwight takes advantage of his size and reach advantage, pummeling the chosen one with right hooks and elbows. But LeBron turns things around by tossing talcum powder right into the big man’s eyes. Howard is completely helpless, and James shows a little killer instinct for a change and is able to finish things off like an uncontested dunk. James moves on, and as usual Dwight Howard falls short of his goal.
In our final Elite 8 matchup, two of the biggest shames to the game of baseball square off as Alex Rodriguez takes on Ryan Braun. Both men are linked to the Biogenesis scandal, and both were wronged by Dr. Anthony Boesh. Braun got his revenge earlier, while Rodriguez was able to defeat his unenhanced first round opponent, Yasiel Puig. This will be a truly performance enhanced matchup, and power will be at a premium. We’ll find out which man had the better chemist as the fight begins. Braun and Rodriguez start things off by denying their use of PEDs to one another… then Rodriguez flip flops a bit and admits to using something back in 2001 when he was in Texas. Braun remains steadfast… but Rodriguez cracks and admits that yeah, he might have used them when he was in New York, too. Braun seems conflicted… should he admit it, or should he continue to deny? As he ponders this, Rodriguez commences to the corner of the ring and proceeds to dry hump himself in the mirror his handlers set up for him before the match.
Braun quickly takes note of it, and knocks Rodriguez clean through the mirror, cutting him badly. The blood is everywhere, as this is beginning to look like an easy win for Braun. Braun continues the beating, when suddenly a windowless van drives into the arena. It’s A-Rod’s cousin… A-Rod’s cousin is back again! In the confusion, he slips something to A-Rod… Rodriguez injects the substance, and is reinvigorated by the injection. Braun is powerless to stop him as Rodriguez’s superior “skill” and “ability” is on full display. Showing the kind of power that Yankees fans hope for this season after a full year away from the game, Rodriguez overcomes his early troubles and is able to defeat Braun, proving that even after a year out of action, he’s still the biggest douchebag there is the sport!
We’re down to our last eight competitors… after two grueling rounds; Alex Rodriguez, LeBron James, Matt Cooke, Jameis Winston, War Machine, Floyd Mayweather, and John Calipari are all that remain in the race to see who the biggest piece of shit in all of sports is for the year 2014! Who has what it takes? Who will reach down the deepest and become our new champion? We’ll find out, coming up next!
Now we’re back, and in our first Elite 8 matchup, Matt Cooke faces off with college football’s biggest bad boy, Jameis Winston. Cooke has a clear fighting advantage here, as Winston is just a quarterback here. Cooke has been through a couple of wars already, while Winston has used his love of crab to move on in both rounds. Cooke will have to avoid distraction in order to get out of this one… and he’ll have to avoid that half-Boston Crab Winston has used in both his fights thus far. Cooke gets off to an emphatic start, going knee to knee on the Heisman winner. But Winston saw it coming, and with Cooke laying on the ground in pain, pulls out his steel knee pad and throws it out of the ring. After an elementary application of his now famed half Boston Crab, Cooke turtles and taps, and Jameis Winston is the first of the four participants to qualify for the Fatal Fourway to determine the 2014 Turkey Bowl Champion!
Up next, Dick Sherman hits the ring for his matchup with punkass pugilist Floyd Mayweather Jr. Mayweather has breezed through Swaggy P and the team of NFL woman beaters, but Sherman should be a real challenge for him. Sherman ducks a barrage of punches by Mayweather, landing a few jabs of his own before unleashing a barrage of verbal abuse towards Floyd. Suddenly, Sherman’s LOB teammates jump over the safety railing, entering the ring and backing up their leader. Earl Thomas hits Mayweather with a spear, and Lane and Maxwell follow up with a double powerbomb. All Sherman has to do is gloat as Mayweather lies in a pile. Sherman lives up to his earlier boasting, and he’s in the finale!
In our next fight, LeBron James is a huge underdog as he goes up against trained MMA fighter War Machine, who was allowed out of prison for the night in hopes that he would take a real beating. But, despite an initial switch beating at the hands of Adrian Peterson, he’s gone relatively unscathed so far. Before the fight can even begin, there is a commotion at ringside. James awaits his opponent inside the ring, but it seems something is wrong backstage. It seems that unlike his failed prison suicide attempt, War Machine has finally succeeded at something in his life, hanging himself from an air duct in the back. Seems nobody here at the Turkey Bowl cared enough to cut that piece of trash down this time around. LeBron avoids a beating, and the world is a better place without that sack of shit around.
We’re now down to our last semifinal match, with Alex Rodriguez facing off with Kentucky Wildcats head coach John Calipari. Coach Cal begins things by trying to tell a funny story about Anthony Davis’ eyebrow… but A Rod is having none of it. He finally sees a chance to win something legitimately, as Calipari is an easy opponent for him. For the first time since high school (allegedly), Rodriguez does things the right way, and easily defeats Calipari to move on to our finale!
So through three rounds of fighting we’ve whittled away 28 other contestants and we’ve got the four biggest douchebags in sports ready to battle it out to see who truly is #1! Former Turkey Bowl Champions LeBron James and Alex Rodriguez are odds on favorites, but Dick Sherman and Jameis Winston both have strong games when it comes to being a massive asshole. Will we crown a new champion, or will the wily veterans pick up yet another Turkey Bowl trophy? We find out right after this:
Ladies and gentlemen, we are back, and our main event is set to begin. Four men, one ring, one champion… a Fatal Fourway matchup to determine who is the biggest douchebag, piece of shit, fuckstick, ass-licking motherfucker in all of sports. As the bell rings our four competitors circle, each trying to get a feel for their opponents. LeBron makes the first move, taking Winston’s legs out, seemingly angry about the beating he gave his boy Johnny Manziel earlier in the night. Rodriguez and Sherman begin shoving and Sherman is trash talking as usual. Rodriguez hits him with a performance enhanced right hook, which knocks his jaw out of place! Finally someone has shut this guy the hell up! As Rodriguez continues pummeling Dick Sherman, Jameis has turned the tables on “King James”, and has him set up for the half Boston Crab again! LeBron goes for the talcum powder to the eye trick again, but Winston sees it coming and ducks out of the way. As James attempts to regain his composure, Winston climbs the ropes and hits him with a Crab Leg Drop. Rodriguez has eliminated Dick Sherman… and he turns his attentions to Winston, who is about to eliminate LeBron. Rodriguez makes the save, and the two former champions start to work together against the young upstart. With Sherman out, it’s up to Winston to ensure there is a new champion this time around.
Winston runs the ropes, and ducks under a double clothesline attempt by James and Rodriguez. Winston then lands a roundhouse to the back of A-Rod’s head, putting him down for the count. But LeBron takes advantage and puts Jameis up into what looks like a torture rack… a throwback to the days of Lex Luger! As James struts about the ring with Winston over his shoulders, Rodriguez is counted out. We’re now down to the final two folks! Winston is in a bad way as he begins to fade… it looks like LeBron James is going to become a two-time Turkey Bowl winner! All of a sudden on the big screen, a video plays of Tim Duncan and Greg Poppovich turning up the thermostat! James watches in horror, and works feverishly to try and get Winston to give up. Soon, the temperature rises, and suddenly James gets “them cramps” again.
Winston takes advantage and gets out of the hold, and James rolls around on the mat. Jameis, never one to pass up the opportunity to take advantage of someone or something, locks in the half Boston Crab once again… and James immediately starts tapping out! Jameis Winston has done it! Jameis Winston is the Turkey Bowl champion!
We now go live to ringside with Jameis Winston, who is joined by Coach Jimbo Fisher.
IHM: Jameis, how does it feel to know you are the single biggest piece of shit in the world of sports today? Of all the douchebags out there, you are #1!
Winston: “If I’m-a do it then, I’m-a do it big”
IHM: Right… so how does it feel knowing that despite “allegedly” being a rapist, thief, and dumber than a fucking rock that you’ve overcome all the odds and proven yourself here on this stage?
Jimbo: This interview is over.
So as Jimbo Fisher ushers Jameis out of the arena with his newest trophy in tow, we say goodnight to all of you. Thanks to everybody out there for doing stupid things and making this so very easy for me! As they say in my old neighborhood… play stupid games, win stupid prizes!