Tagged with "NFl"
OH Thursday
Category: FEATURED
Tags: Thanksgiving NFL


Thanksgiving issue:


Happy Thanksgiving Gabbers, enjoy the Turkey your eating today because rumor has it that the Prezidante is about to execute an executive order granting amnesty to all Gobblers from this day forward.

These Turkeys have been disenfranchised for centuries and we are going to do what we otta to make life fair for these our feathered brothers…we will get them signed up and get them an education. Also we will see to it they get signed up to a bronze healthcare plan and get a drivers license and get registered to vote.

You never know, someday we may have a turkey in the Oval office…


A warm Thanksgiving greeting from our house to yours...

This is a short week for me with family filling up the Harryhousehold and the old ones time.

Lets get to it:



Next weekend in Frosty Lambeau we have a faceoff between The two hottest teams, two of the best QB’s in NFL history and two of the best foul weather teams in the league today. The 9-2 New England Patriots travel to Green Bay to play the 8-3 Packers

These are the two highest scoring teams in the NFL averaging over 32 points per game each. The Patriots are winners of 7 in a row, the Packers 7 of the last 8. Packers are an early 3 point favorite at home. You may have a problem with the hype hype hype so tune in right at kickoff…this will be good.

Homer Harry pick, Pats 34-33


Thanksgiving games:

Chicago Bears 5-6 at Detroit Lions 7-4

Jay Cutler has been Jay Cutler this year, big arm, big attitude, big weapons, big disappointment. The Lions have lost two straight losing to 9-2 Arizona 14-6 and losing to 9-2 New England 34-9.

I see Stafford getting his team back on track with big days from both Golden Tate III and Calvin Johnson.

My Pick- Detroit 31 Bears 19


The 4 PM game features the two best teams in the NFC East. Philadelphia 8-3 travels to Jerrytown to face the Cowboys 8-3 for the first of two. The rematch is in Philly in two weeks. The Cowboys win over the Gelients Sunday night was much needed to keep pace with the high scoring Eagles…I see the hometeam holding serve and Demarco Murray ruining the dinner for the Eagles 28-24.



The late game between San Francisco 7-4 and defending SB champs Seattle 7-4 will also be a close battle. Seattle has the defense to stop fastballer Kaepernick. Until Kaepernick learns that not every pass is a fastball and learns a touch pass he will fall short of being a top QB. Close wins over the Giants and Redskins don’t exactly give 49ers fans faith that this team can compete with the iron of the NFC. I see the Seahawks winning this with a run heavy offense and tough defense 20-13. They will play again in two weeks.


Enjoy your Thanksgiving festivities. Hope for the best for all of my Gabber friends. Don’t over eat or drink and we will talk!

God Bless.

Musings From The Hoodwood 11-25
Category: Daily Blog 2.0
Tags: NFL College Football MLB NBA

This is sick...just sick...

Greetings from the Hoodwood, where the locals are preparing for a turkey feast

Leading Off: More Mad Money in MLB

Boston has the duckets and they are a spending them. The BoSox just dropped $88 Million on Hanley Ramirez the speedy former Dodger gives the Sawx some speed at the top of their lineup. But the Old Town team don’t seem to be done. It looks as if the Kung Fu Panda himself Pablo Sandoval will leave the Bay to ply his wares in Beantown and shore up a notoriously weak position on the Sox. Now keep in mind that the Sox are a year removed from winning the World Series but are coming off a last place 71-91 season will Ramirez and Sandoval make that big a difference or be another set of overpaid free agents in the 617…

NBA: Panic! In the 216 Are the Cavs in trouble?

It seems like the new big three in Cleveland aren’t clicking. The triumvirate of LeBron James, Kevin Love, and Kyrie Irving looked to be the latest version of the hired guns who would come together and dominate the league. There is a small problem though, the Cavs at a pedestrian 6-7 are looking disjointed. James looks frustrated, Love looks like he wants no part of the paint, Irving looks like he doesn’t want to defer to James and David Blatt looks like a lost European coach way way out of his league. Now the Cavs won their latest, routing the youthful Magic, but the Cavs are looking up in the East at the Wizards and the rampaging Raptors who may be the best team that you’ve never heard of. The Cavs are taking time to jell but in this league, jelling better happen fast or things might get ugly. The natives are already restless.


MLB: Second thoughts about the Stanton deal

The numbers on the Giancarlo Stanton are staggering to be sure, 13 yrs $325 million. But this might be a more savvy deal than you first thought. Consider this: The deal is heavily backloaded, so the first part of the deal is really team friendly, the still have him at a fairly cheap price during his ascendant years. The deal also has an opt-out after six years so if Stanton is not happy he can head to another market. The move also makes other young stars like Justin Upton and Bryce Harper in rival divisional cities use that contract as a bar set for them to peg against. Don’t you think that those teams might have to feel the price sting of keeping their young studs and maybe having to let them go might benefit the Marlins. The number is mind blowing to be sure, but the Marlins might be crazy like a fox


Phat Dap

I gave dap to the awe inspiring performance of Melvin Gordon against Nebraska he broke a record that had stood for 15 years , but his record lasted barely 168 hours before Samaje  Perine rushed for an obscene 427 yards against Kansas Saturday. Here’s what is so cool, Gordon was super gracious when he found that his record was broken offering hearty congratulations to the Perine, who is a true freshman. Classy. Perine for his part when informed that he was closing on the record didn’t even want it, asking to be taken out to give others a chance to play. His offensive lineman heard this and demanded that Perine be put back in to break the record. He did and still unawares that he broke the record was carried off the field by his joyous linemen. Now Perrine had already ingratiated himself to his linemen by buying them boxes of pizza before the season started and after breaking the record let his linemen celebrate the record more than he did. According to Perine, he went back to his dorm and watched cartoons. That’s a player that Hoodwood can embrace!

Head Slap

To the Falcons Mike Smith who’s clock mismanagement may have critically damaged the Falcons playoff aspirations. Say what you want about the Falcons being the tied for first place team at 4-6 and the Browns being in last place at 6-4 but the Falcons were writing things late in the fourth quarter and were looking to take a late lead. With the ball nearing field goal range. Smith took an inexplicable timeout, and left the Browns with their full compliment of time outs which Brian Hoyer and the Dawgs took full advantage of to race back downfield on the subsequent possession and got close enough to bang through a field goal to steal a 26-24 win. The Falcons are shockingly still tied for first in the NFC South with a hideous 4-7 record while the Browns with the win are still tied for LAST in the AFC North.

Quick Hits

That catch by Odell Beckham Jr. Sunday night against the Pokes was SICK!!! Just ill to the maximum

Someone tell me why the Rays are overlooking a number of established managers like Dusty Baker, Ron Washington, Ron Gardenhire, and Kirk Gibson as well as noted younger talented skipper prospects like Barry Larkin,  Doug Mientkiewicz, and Doug Glanville  for bad retreads  like Manny Acta, Don Wakamatsu, Raul Ibanez and Kevin Cash?

Is Jameis Winston the most hated player in football?

The First game Tom Brady played in was a mop up loss in a Thanksgiving snoozer against the Lions in 2000, the Lions won 34-9, this year Brady was the dominant force in the game. The score 34-9 Pats….scary.

Is RGIII on the failed Heisman Heap?

Will the Sixers win ten this year? Will they win more than once a month?

Another scary figure…my odometer in front of the Hoodwood Hideout…

And later on that day I made a purchase for $7.77….kidding…

If Brian Hoyer keeps this up, Johnny Manziel will really be teaching those aerobic classes as Johnny Jammboogie

One week Jonas Gray was a pimp with 199 yards rushing, the next week he misses a meeting and doesn’t see the field at all…lesson here don’t cross Belichick.

Notre Dame??? Look Em up under the irrelevant column…again

My Fantasy Football team might just survive that three game November slide…

My beloved Bearcats gave up 50,41 & 55 points in 3 consecutive weeks, but have rebounded nicely to shutout UConn this past Saturday and that was a week after giving up 46 to East Carolina…go figure.

I despise Lasalle High School and their paid referees

Finally from the Hoodwood to your hood, have a safe, filling and joyous Thanksgiving! Until Next Post Fellow Sports fan





NFL Week 12 Picks
Category: NFL
Tags: NFL Picks & Predictions


Another middling week and I’ll try to get better, thankfully this is the last week of the byes as Pittsburgh (defeated Titans 27-24) and Carolina (lost to Falcons 19-17) are the last two teams to take a week off, odds are provided by ESPN and are strictly for entertainment and comparison purposes only. Since Im preparing for a Hoodwood feast I will have no money to spare you if you take the lines and get hosed.


Sunday November 23


Buccaneers (2-8) @ Bears (4-6)

Soldier Field, Chicago 1:00 (FOX)

Favorite Bears by 5 ½

Last Week Buccaneers defeated Washington 27-7, Bears defeated Vikings 21-13

Fast Fact Bears QB Jay Cutler has thrown 6 of his 12 interceptions in his last four games.

The Bucs got a rare chance to be the bully in DC and rolled to an easy win while the Bears finally sent a home crowd happy as they rallied to beat the Vikings. I’m not really solid on either squad even less so on Jay Cutler, I’m so tempted to pick the Bucs as they have shown a tendency to win on the road, but I’m going to go with the home team and wish I hadn’t.



Jaguars (1-9) @ Colts (6-4)

Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis 1:00(CBS)

Favorite Colts by 14

Last Week Jaguars were on the bye; Colts lost to Patriots 42-20

Fast Fact Colts has won six straight division home games since a 22-17 loss to the Jaguars on Sept. 23, 2012.

The Jags are a week removed from a London beating, the head to Indy to face a Colts team that is looking for someone to beat on after taking an embarrassing beating at home last Sunday Night. While Blake Bortles and the Jags are showing signs of improving on all facets they are just catching the Colts at the absolute wrong time.

Pick- Indianapolis (Lock of the Week)


Titans (2-8) @ Eagles (7-3)

Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia 1:00 (CBS)

Favorite Eagles by 11

Last Week Titans lost to Steelers 27-24, Eagles lost to Packers 53-20

Fast Fact Eagles are on a nine game home winning streak

Info on the game This is another gonna be painful game as the Titans as are coming in off a painful loss to Pittsburgh have to return to the Keystone State to face the Eagles who are coming off an awful beating in Lambeau. Mark Sanchez looks like he could have a nice bounceback after an atrocious showing the week previous. The Titans have been playing capably but have been on the wrong side of a few scoreboards, I just can’t take the Titans with the Eagles needing the win to keep pace with the Cowboys they will spare the Titans no quarter



Browns (6-4) @ Falcons (4-6)

Georgia Dome, Atlanta 1:00 (CBS)

Favorite Falcons by 3

Last Week Browns lost to Texans 23-7, Falcons defeated Panthers 19-17

Fast Fact Before giving up 23 last week the Browns had allowed 11 points per game in their 3 game win streak.

First glance at the team’s records and you would think that the Browns were the team in first and the Falcons were team in last, when the exact opposite is the case. The Browns took a nasty pratfall at home against a shorthanded Texans squad, while the Falcons stole a gritty gutty game against the Panthers. I still am reluctant to trust the Browns though I really like the no-frills style of Brian Hoyer, the Falcons are even worse in the trust department though they are fighting of control of the suddenly super weak NFC South. This is another one of these I’m gonna regret the pick no matter which way I go




Lions (7-3) @ Patriots (8-2)

Gillette Stadium; Foxboro, MA 1:00 (FOX)

Favorite Patriots by 7

Last Week Lions lost to Cardinals 14-6, Patriots defeated Colts 42-20

Fast Fact The Lions have the league’s best scoring defense while the Pats have averaged better than 40 points in their last six wins

Info on the game

A great interconference game on tap here. The Lions lost a tough low scoring affair in the desert now have to take on the Pats high scoring offense right after. The Lions are a solid team and will have their hands full containing the dynamic Brady led offensive unit coming off a crisp road win over the Colts. With Calvin Johnson being available the Lions will be able to stretch a sometimes suspect Pats secondary. The Pats are so money at home though it would be foolish to bet against them.

Pick-New England


Packers (7-3) @ Vikings (4-6)

TCF Bank Stadium; Minneapolis 1:00 (FOX)

Favorite Packers by 8

Last Week Packers defeated Eagles 53-20 Vikings lost to Bears 23-14 Packers

Fast Fact Packers QB Aaron Rodgers is 6-1 in his last 7 meetings with the Vikings

The Packers are on a serious scoring roll and you think that the Packers hammered the Vikes in their last meeting what prevents a rerun? Nothing really, but something tells me that Vikings will keep it a bit closer at home.

Pick-Green Bay


Bengals (6-3-1) @ Texans (5-5)

NRG Stadium, Houston 1:00 (CBS)

Favorite Bengals by 2½

Last Week Bengals defeated Saints 27-10, Texans defeated Browns 23-7

Fast Fact Bengals QB Andy Dalton has yet to throw an interception in a road game this season

Stunning most pundits, your humble scribe included, the Bengals rolled into the Big Easy and stomped the Saints while the Texans romped in Cleveland. The Bengals are one of the biggest enigmas in the AFC if not the whole league. Andy Dalton plays like the franchise QB he’s being paid to be one week then a clueless noob the next. It’s hard to figure which team will show up and the Bengals must keep a tight lid on the irrepressible JJ Watt or the game will get out of hand fast. If Arian Foster is a no-go the Bengals still have to be concerned with heretofore unknown Alfred Blue. Point blank, I do not trust the Bengals on the road.



Rams (4-6) @ Chargers (6-4)

Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego 4:05 (FOX)

Favorite Chargers by 6

Last Week Rams defeated Broncos 22-7, Chargers defeated Raiders 13-6

Fast Fact The Chargers averaged 29.4 points and 395.8 total yards during a five-game winning streak but have scuffled of late with 13.5 points and 258.8 yards per game over their last four going 1-3

The Rams showed that they were no pushover by shocking the Broncos. The Chargers shook off their long losing streak by grinding out a win against the hapless Raiders. The Rams on the road are way more suspect than they are at home though Shaun Hill is proving to be a better QB than most thought. I’m not betting against the Chargers at home

Pick- San Diego


Cardinals (9-1) @ Seahawks (6-4)

CenturyLink Stadium, Seattle 4:05 (FOX)

Favorite Seahawks by 7½

Last Week Cardinals defeated Lions 14-6, Seahawks lost to Chiefs 24-20

Fast Fact the Cards six game winning streak is their longest in 40 years

An absolute high stakes game here as the Cards fresh off a dominating win against the Lions are looking to put an hammerlock on the division but face the Seahawks who got edged in Kansas City and are in real danger of being made irrelevant in the NFC playoff race. Drew Stanton is playing decently as a caretaker QB but will need to play a lot better against a still solid Seahawks secondary and though  recalcitrant Marshawn  Lynch remains a moody enigma, this will be a much stiffer test for the Cards who face a brutal back quarter of the schedule. Though 9-1 I’m not calling this an upset, because the Seahawks are still ruthless in their crib.



Washington (3-7) @ 49ers (6-4)

Levi’s Stadium; Santa Clara, CA, 4:25 (CBS)

Favorite 49ers by 9

Last Week Washington lost to Buccaneers 27-7, 49ers defeated Giants 16-10

Fast Fact Washington’s defense has only forced 3 interceptions against opposing offenses

Washington is a mess and their play against the Bucs further solidifies that thought, while the Niners ground out a tough win in Gotham. RGIII is looking less and less like a franchise QB and more like another overhyped Heisman bust. The Niners have tons of flaws but they are still a dangerous squad nonetheless. I’m thinking if the Bucs gave RGIII and company fits what will the rugged Niners defense do at home….

Pick-San Francisco

Dolphins (6-4) @ Broncos (7-3)

Sports Authority Field @ Mile High, Denver 4:25 (CBS, FOX, NBC, ESPN)

Favorite Broncos by 7

Last Week Dolphins defeated Bills 22-9, Broncos lost to Rams 22-7

Fast Fact The Broncos 7 points and 24:10 possession time were the lowest for the team since 2012

While the Dolphins looked a bit sluggish, they got a ragged win over the Bills. The Rams dropped a stunning beatdown on the Broncos which shook their confidence something awful. I’m still not really sold on the Dolphins on either side of the ball and I think that their defense will get exposed in the thin Denver air against Peyton Manning looking for someone to take it out on.

Pick- Denver


Cowboys (7-3) @ Giants (3-7)

MetLife Stadium; East Rutherford, NJ 8:30 (NBC)

Favorite Cowboys by 3½

Last Week Cowboys were on their bye, Giants lost to 49ers 16-10

Fast Fact The Cowboys own the league's second-ranked rushing attack with 153.2 yards per game, while the Giants are last in the NFL at stopping the run, giving up 145.0 a contest.

The Pokes are ready and rested after their bye and head to Gotham to face the G-Men who are a train wreck. The bye couldn’t have come at a better time for Dallas as Romo and Murray got time to heal up from minor nicks. Eli Manning looks more and more lost every week, the Pokes defense will exacerbate this





Monday, November 24



Jets (2-8) vs Bills (5-5)

Ford Field, Detroit 7:00 (CBS)

Favorite No line

Last Week Jets were on their bye Dolphins lost to Bills 22-9

Fast Fact With the change in venue, all the tickets for this game in Detroit were distributed free of charge and a capacity crowd is expected

This game was rescheduled from Sunday due to the snowstorm that hit Western New York. This is the second time in four years that Detroit has been the substitute venue for a game, with limited practice time due to the venue move the game suddenly gets a lot more even. The Bills got ground up by the Dolphins in the South Florida heat. For some stupid reason, I have a feeling the lack of preparation due to the snow will haunt the Bills.

Pick- New York Jets (Upset of the Week)



Ravens (6-4) @ Saints (4-6)

Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans 8:30 (ESPN)

Favorite Saints by 3 ½

Last Week Saints lost to Bengals 27-10, Ravens were on their bye

Fast Fact Saints QB Drew Brees has defeated every NFL team but the Ravens (He led the Chargers to a win 43-17 win over the Saints in 2004 and defeated the Chargers 37-32 in 2008

The Saints are falling apart and losing at their once impregnable fortress home, the Ravens come in rested but there is something I just don’t trust about the Ravens inconsistent play and though Drew Brees is not playing at his fearsome level there is something that just screams that the Saints won’t lose three home games in a row.

Pick-New Orleans


Last Week: 7-7  (Lock and Upset Incorrect)

Overall: 96-64-1

Locks: 8-3

Upsets: 2-9



Sports Friday with Hal: The Drive to Be Number One
Category: FEATURED
Tags: NFL Football Free agency draft news notes



The race is on in the NFL...no, not the playoffs, the number one draft pick.



Oakland is trying to get out of the competition sitting at 0-10 but they played against division rival Kansas City after I posted this and if they were ever going to upset a good team, the over-confident, full-of-holes Chiefs team would be a great win. WIth three games to prepare and coming off an emotional win over the Super Bowl Champs last week, the Chiefs are dysfunctional enough to blow it against the scrappy Raiders on the road.

Otherwise the Raiders have St. Louis, San Francisco, the Chiefs in KC, Buffalo, and then in Denver. Denver could be a week seventeen snoozefest as the Broncos could shut-down their starters if they have a playoff seed locked up. Oakland has made the right moves running with rookie quarterback Derek Carr and bringing in former Packers wide receiver James Jones. Moving on from the wash-out veteran running backs Maurice Jones-Drew and Darren McFadden will help as well.

On defense, the team has not been horrible, as veteran Justin Tuck has helped and rookie Khalil Mack is already one of the best linebackers in football. The secondary needs some talent, but this team is too talented to be 0-10. They should have won in week one versus the Jets, week three versus New England, week six versus San Diego, and were competitive against the Browns in week eight, the Seahawks in week nine, and against the Chargers last week.



The Jags were supposed to take a step forward in 2014. Whoops. Personally, I expected to see more improvement on defense. Veteran defensive end Chris Clemons came over from Seattle and has been a flop. From a star Super Bowl performance to getting blown off the line of scrimmage on a regular basis. Sen’Derrick Marks has improved and veteran Red Bryan (another former Seahawk) has helped.  The lack of pressure up front exposes the secondary, which just has not been good enough.

On offense, they just plain lack playmakers. The emergence of running back Denard Robinson makes up for the washout of Toby Gerhart. Former Broncos guard Zane Beadles has helped on the o-line and Luke Joeckel is slowly rounding into a professional tackle. Rookie guard Brandon Linder has impressed as well. Blake Bortles may be the answer, but the team has to live with his struggles. The goal in the draft needs to be an impact wide receiver as Robinson, Hurns, Shorts, and Lee are a collection of #2 and #3 receivers without a number one (Justin Blackmon’s immaturity and idiocy continue to haunt the Jags) .



The Jets are a team stuck in a bad spot. The general manager, John Idzik, wants nothing more than to dump grandstanding, loud-mouth, self-promoting head coach Red Ryan--in fact, he wanted him gone before last season and after last season and was overruled by owner Woody Johnson. Johnson LOVES Sexy Rexy...Idzik, who was a key player in building Seattle into a championship team, wants to bring in his own head coach and run the team his way. The Jets were 6-8 last year and won two meaningless games at the end of the season against two teams that had given up already (Cleveland and Miami) and Woody decided 8-8 was good enough for Rex.

The Jets have been horrible. They eked out a win in week one against Oakland and inexplicably caught an overconfident Steelers team last week. They’ve benched quarterback of the future Geno Smith for Michael Vick and traded for perpetual headache Percy Harvin. Having already signed free agent wide receiver Eric Decker and drafted athletic tight end Jace Amaro to add to breakout running back Chris Ivory, the Jets cannot blame the offense for everything now.

Of course the defense is not what it once was. The secondary went from the best in the NFL in 2011 with Antonio Cromartie and Darrelle Revis to simply the most dreadful. The Jets have two studs on defense with defensive tackles Muhammad Wilkerson and Sheldon Richardson and a lot of duds and “Rex’s Guys”. First round draft pick Dee Milliner is Ras-I Dowling (Patriots fans will appreciate the comparison) and former first round draft pick Quinton Coples (picked by the Jets instead of Syracuse product Chandler Jones--who has become a beast in rival New England) has taken a big step backwards.

The Jets are still a mess. Rex is gone. Time to blow it up and start over. This team SHOULD be gunning for the number one pick instead of the coach and general manager trying to out-maneuver each other.



The Bucs are rebuilding and making no bones about it. New head coach Lovie Smith is trying to bring a new attitude and new look to a franchise that missed the mark on the last rebuilding effort. Four of their last six games are against potential playoff teams with Cincinnati, Detroit, Green Bay, and the Saints to play.

Tampa is coming off a big win over Washington (sorry Giants and Washington fans, three wins are too many for the number one pick) with quarterback Josh McCown taking advantage of rookie wide receiver Mike Evans and his explosive talent. Vincent Jackson is a decent possession receiver at this point of his career. If Doug Martin was ever healthy again, the running game could be a big complementary piece for Evans and the passing game.  Whether McCown (or Mike Glennon) is the answer at quarterback is yet to be seen (I say neither are!).

Lovie Smith has old friend Leslie Frazier installing the defense and there have been hiccups. The roster needs to churn some still as there are players who do not fit and the Bucs need a lot of work to do still. Defensive tackle Gerald McCoy is a stud in any defense. Free agent import Michael Johnson has been a disappointment. Third-year linebacker Lavonte David is a potential star. Alterraun Verner has proven to be a good fit for the defense but safeties Dashon Goldson and Mark Barron have been disappointments.

The Bucs have a tough road to the top pick, but should have some competitive games against some good teams to test their roster and make hard decisions.



The Titans opened the season with an impressive victory over the Kansas City Chiefs. Sorry, that is about it for highlights. They beat the Jaguars in week six (barely).  They were competitive a few times (Washington, Cleveland, against the Steelers last week), but this team is clearly rebuilding. They have a solid coach in Ken Whisenhunt and a very good defensive coordinator Ray Horton.

The Titans have the Eagles, Texans, Giants, Jets, Jags, and Colts to play. There are probably too many winnable games there to end up with the top pick, and the offense showed some life Monday night against the Steelers. Rookie quarterback Zach Mettenberger is a better option than “Clipboard Jesus” Charlie Whitehurst and Jake Locker just cannot stay healthy. Rookie running back Bishop Sankey looks like a keeper as the second-round draft pick has continued to show slow and steady improvement.

On defense, defensive end Jurrell Casey is a building block for the future. Ropati Pitoitua is an unknown, but productive lineman as well. Beyond Derrick Morgan the team needs an influx of talent. Strange how the Titans had no use for Akeem Ayers who has been a valuable addition for New England. In the secondary, Michael Griffin has yet to take the next step but cornerback Jason McCourty is solid. Second-year cornerback Blidi Wreh-Wilson has improved steadily after a delayed start as a rookie last year.

The Titans are on the right track. They should improve steadily this year and next and could go on a nice little run to end this season and build confidence for the future.

Turkey Bowl 2014
Category: Daily Blog 2.0
Tags: LeBron James Jameis Winston NFL NBA MLB Richard Sherman Alex Rodriguez Kobe

  Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the long awaited return of the YouGabSports Turkey Bowl, presented by IHateMillen. This year, we’ve assembled 32 of the biggest douchebags, assholes, jerks, and just all around jokes in the world of sports here at beautiful JerryWorld, home of the world’s biggest jumbo-tron and ego. As part of this agreement, Jerry Jones will not be a part of this year’s 32-man tournament, and we get to use the facilities for free! Best yet, all members of the major sports media, ESPiN, FOX, CBS, and NBC, have been banned from entry here.

  Before we begin the night’s festivities, let us take a moment to honor America. Tonight’s flag bearers are the Gab’s very own proud veterans: ScottJax, B.O.B., and OlHarry, who is accompanied by his Marine daughter. Thank you all for your service to this country:


  Tonight’s first bout is scheduled for one fall. As is the case with every Turkey Bowl fight, there are no rules, no regulations, and the fight goes until one fighter can no longer continue. Starting the evening off is a Turkey Bowl winner in Alex Rodriguez, as he faces baseball’s young upstart douchebag Yasiel Puig. Puig has done some pretty stupid things in his limited time in the Biggs… but he’s nowhere near dry humping himself in the mirror status just yet.

  Well ladies and gentlemen this is what we’ve been waiting for. Puig is a young man with impressive power and all five tools. He faces a man once thought to be baseball’s next big thing in Alex Rodriguez, who has been dogged by rumors and just finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs all this time. Of course, he waited until after the ink was dried on his contract extension to do so!

   As the bell rings, Rodriguez makes the fight’s first move, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. Puig is a bit surprised by this move, waiting to see what his opponent will do next. Rodriguez pulls out a wad of cash, more American dollars than his opponent has ever seen, seeming to say there’s more where that came from. With all the well-documented legal battles Puig is involved in stemming from his Cuban defection, you wonder if he’ll lay down for A-Rod here. Sure enough, it looks like an agreement has been reached between the two, and Rodriguez will move on to the next round. This is just the kind of thing you hate to see… what a disgrace this guy is both to the game of baseball and the death match world. Rodriguez moves on, and Puig gets to settle a few legal issues. He saves his pretty face for the fists of his next opponent.

  Up next, another former Turkey Bowl Champion takes the ring as LeBron James faces off with a man he has a sordid history with, former Pacer and current Hornet Lance Stephenson. LeBron’s douchebaggery is well documented world-wide… but what about Stephenson you ask? Well, before he was blowing in LeBron’s ear during the playoffs, Stephenson was raping classmates in high school (allegedly), and pushing women down stairs later on (allegedly). We’ll see if the young, hungry Stephenson really has what it takes to go toe to toe with Jesus Christ in a headband, LeBron James… the man who has “saved” Cleveland simply by coming home.

  As this bout begins, Stephenson seems to be on top of his game and in the head of James, who looks like he wants no part in an actual fight. Stephenson lands a few rights, now a left, and, what’s this? That Cleveland Cavs fan that burned his LeBron James jersey after “the Decision” comes running down to the ring, wearing his newly purchased LeBron Cavs jersey… and he’s going after Stephenson. LeBron takes advantage of the distraction and grabs a steel chair, scrambling what little is there of Lance Stephenson’s brains and picking up a round one win.

  Coming up next, we’ve got the highly anticipated matchup of the Sherriff Roger Goodell, who looks to cover his own ass as he takes on Ray Rice, the man he suspended indefinitely from the game he loves so very much. Roger is not the favorite of most people… but who will this crowd of feminists that has gathered at ringside side with… a man who had zero intention of pushing their agenda in Goodell, or a man who cold cocked one of their fellow ovary carriers on that Atlantic City elevator? All I know is, this is one ugly scene here at ringside… literally. All these broads, and not a looker in the bunch!

  To kick the match off, Goodell begins scolding Rice on behavior “unbecoming of an NFL player”. Rice soon tires of this act, and begins beating Goodell as if he were his fiancée. But Goodell is no dummy, he brought the NFL’s PR team to ringside with him, and he plans on using them. A distraction from a pair of lawyers gets Roger back on top, and it looks like he’s going to cruise to a win here. But wait, what the hell is this? It’s DeMaurice Smith… he puts Goodell in his patented Lockout submission maneuver! Roger has no choice, he’s got to tap, and Ray Rice moves on to our next round.

  Coming up next, two overhyped, overachievers take the ring as Johnny Manziel, backup NFL quarterback, takes on Jameis Winston, future backup NFL quarterback. Whose douchebaggery will reign supreme on this night? We’ll find out as tonight’s action continues:

  These two young men are known for avoiding the big hit, but tonight, they look to land the big hit on one another as Johnny Football takes on Jameis Winston here at Turkey Bowl 2014. Johnny and Jameis start things off by exchanging immature gestures… Johnny throws up his little money sign, while Jameis stands on the top ropes and yells “Fuck her right in the pussy” so everybody can hear what a massive douche he is. Each young man owns a Heisman Trophy, so the next few moments break down into what is nothing more than a pose-off. Johnny takes a moment to go out and talk to his celebrity entourage, which includes Justin Bieber for some strange reason. This provides Jameis with the opening he needs, as he is able to lock in a single leg Boston Crab on Manziel… Manziel has no escape, and taps out, giving the big win to Jameis Winston. Looks like the curse of Bieber strikes again!

  Next up, two of the biggest douchebags ever to meet in the first round of the Turkey Bowl extravaganza as Dick Sherman prepares to square off with Kobe Bryant. Dick made headlines many times with impressive feats of douchebaggery since the 2013 NFL playoffs… but he cuts one hell of a promo, doesn’t he? Kobe has run everyone off in LA, and is now going it alone with a virtual army of nobodies leading a terrible Lakers squad. Sherman definitely has the edge on trash talking, as he unleashes a barrage of barbs upon Kobe to begin the festivities. Kobe, never one to back down, returns fire, and the two get the fight underway. No flopping here folks, there are no NBA refs in this arena. Eventually, Dick Sherman’s youth wins out and Kobe is defeated. After the match, Sherman finds the most easily startled reporter at ringside and screams “I am the best fighter in the game, when you try me with a sorry fighter like Kobe that’s the result you gonna get”.

  With Kobe gone now we move on to our next matchup, and it’s one with a lot of bad blood involved… Ryan Braun brings his performance enhanced brand of rage into the ring against the best chemist in the game, Anthony Bosch. Bosch sold Braun out after supplying him with the goods. Unless Bosch took some of his own “medicine”, there is only one realistic outcome to this fight. Sure enough, like a walk off blast, Braun makes short work of the sellout, and moves on to round number two.

  Next up, a matchup that features a ton of swagger… Floyd Mayweather Jr. faces an opponent that will actually fight back… unlike his baby mama… Swaggy P, otherwise known as Nick Young. I’m honestly not sure why he calls himself this… or what in God’s name it means… but that is apparently the man’s chosen nickname. Much like what a drunk Nick Young claimed he’d do to Iggy’s ass on TMZ, Floyd does to Swaggy P here, using that million dollar punch to move on to the second round.

  Coming up next, we’ve got another pair of abusive pieces of shit squaring off… one likes to abuse children, the other likes to damn near kill a porn star. Adrian Peterson hits the ring to face off with MMA fighter and current inmate War Machine, who was granted special privilege to come out here in hopes that someone would beat the living hell out of him! AD gets things started when he pulls a switch out and starts to whoopin’ War Machine. Evidently AD doesn’t know when to stop, because he stops too damn soon here, and the War Machine goes on the attack. It might not be as easy as working over Christy Mack, but War Machine does just enough damage to pick up the win over Adrian Peterson. This piece of garbage moves on to our next round.

  We’re halfway through the first round of Turkey Bowl 2014, and we’ve seen some big names come and go. A-Rod, LeBron James, Ray Rice, Jameis Winston, Richard Sherman, Ryan Braun, Floyd Mayweather, and now War Machine represent the first eight to make the leap to round number two.

  Ladies and gentlemen, we are receiving word of a developing situation out in the parking lot area… we now go to a live feed out there where it appears the members of the assembled sports media, including members of the ESPiN, FOX, and NBC Sports teams are now becoming involved in some sort of altercation out there. Tempers have boiled over, and now it seems they will all have a go at one another out there. Chris Berman gets his back, back, back, back broken in at least five places as this thing really starts to turn ugly. It is fairly clear that NBC and FOX have agreed to some sort of alliance in order to get the upper hand on the “Worldwide Leader”, as now Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayliss are now out of commission. Somehow, Stephen A. Smith seems to have been castrated here… it looks like Terry Bradshaw just kicked Skip Bayliss right on the bottom jaw, causing this unfortunate disaster!

  Jalen Rose seems to have talked his way into a corner with Howie Long and Michael Strahan, as the two make quick work of his puny frame and poor grammar skills! ESPiN is in some serious trouble ladies and gents. Even the ladies are getting into the action… Erin Andrews thought it was an appropriate time to stop and talk about digestive health with her former colleague Hannah Storm… but Hannah has none of it as she uses a trident to get a firsthand look at the innards of Mrs.Andrews. After the dust settles, the ESPiN crew lays in a battered, broken pile. Stewart Scott is over in the corner holding a football he thinks is Chris Berman’s head, but otherwise the entire ESPiN noise machine has been silenced. The FOX and NBC sports teams are victorious, as they execute the before-fight promise to sacrifice that smarmy little windbag Bob Costas to their Gods (Murdoch and Burke)as tribute for victory. Now that’s what you call a win all the way around!

  Over on the other side of the parking lot, there is a suspicious looking vehicle with the windows rolled up and what looks like four men sitting inside. Our cameras zoom in to find four guys who were scheduled to fight tonight… Josh Gordon, LeGarrette Blount, LeVeon Bell, and Justin Blackmon all sitting in  there, apparently passing around a blunt! As smoke billows out of the car, the four men get out and just sort of wander off… well, it looks like a new record for this year’s Turkey Bowl… no NFL wide redivas make an appearance!

  Next up, we’ve got Sidney Crosby taking on fellow NHL douchebag Brad Marchand. We’ll see how the face of the league fares against one of the dirtiest pieces of shit, on and off the ice, in the league today. Crosby starts thing off by surprising the entire audience by actually fighting and not ducking out of the way… incredible. Marchand is no stranger to the pugilistic arts, and returns fire. Once Marchand gains the upper hand, he beats Crosby like a casino security guard, gaining the victory and then stripping down to his birthday suit while yelling “I am above the law”!

  In our next fight, we’ve got two of the biggest douchebags in all of college sports, as championship coaches square off when Nick Saban meets John Calipari. Will Calipari live up to his one-and-done reputation tonight? Saban is much better known for winning the big one, but he is also well known for being a crybaby and an asshole. Saban is on fire as we get things underway, and he looks like he’ll cruise to an easy win… but suddenly his cell phone rings. His face lights up and he quickly jots something down and runs from the ring… leading to a count out win for Calipari. Calipari picks up the note that Saban left behind and it reads “Got a better offer from Dana White, so I’m gone. You knew what this was.” Can’t say I’m surprised by the guy’s lack of morality or loyalty here… but I am surprised to see John Calipari make it to the next round!

  In the ring now, Jay Cutler prepares for his bout with the Brewers eccentric OF Carlos Gomez… a guy who has ruffled more than a few feathers in Major League Baseball with his youthful exuberance and lack of respect for the unwritten rules of the game. This Midwest showdown comes your way, right now! Cutler starts off well, landing a few glancing blows on Gomez, who seems more interested in showing off than he is in winning this fight. But, sure enough, Cutler telegraphs his next few punches and is intercepted… and Gomez takes full advantage. He’s even got time to stand there and watch his own handiwork on the jumbo screen above as he polishes off the Bears QB… Carlos Gomez makes it to round two.

  If you didn’t expect many NHL players to make this tournament, you were misled. Another all-NHL matchup comes your way now, with Patrick Kane facing off with career douchebag Matt Cooke. Cooke seems to have the edge here… his dirty tactics have drawn the ire of fans for years now. But don’t underestimate Patrick Kane… turn your back on him and he’ll drop you like a disgruntled cab driver! While Kane puts up one hell of a fight, it is Cooke who moves on to our next round after yet another douchy knee-to-knee hit to Kane, which puts him down for the count.

  If you thought the Seahawks-49ers rivalry couldn’t get any bigger, you were wrong! Right now, Seahawks coach Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with a guy who just doesn’t seem to “get it”… 49ers OLB Aldon Smith. Smith has a huge size and athleticism advantage, and Carroll seems to be at a gigantic disadvantage… truly a David vs. Goliath style match here. Things start out predictably, as Smith has a clear early advantage over Carroll… he’s being tossed around like the quarterbacks Aldon Smith terrorized before being suspended for the entire first half plus of this NFL season. Suddenly, the department of homeland security arrives and ushers Aldon Smith off to a “private screening area”. Smith will most definitely be counted out here… seems like he still hasn’t learned a damn thing from last summer’s incidents… you just don’t call in fake bomb threats. Smith gets himself another body cavity search from the blue gloves, and Carroll finds a way to move on to our next round in a shocking upset!

  Up next, a couple of racist tools take the ring as Percy Harvin faces off with embattled former Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Harvin has the obvious physical advantage here… just better hope he doesn’t come down with another migraine… or turf toe… or nobody breathes on him! Harvin looks like he’s ready to fight here, angry with Sterling over his alleged racism, when suddenly he sees Blake Griffin in the front row, and takes the time to hang over the top ropes and yell a few things at him about not being black enough. While this is going on, Sterling, clearly suffering from some sort of early-stage dementia, wanders off and gets counted out. Harvin celebrates his victory, but suddenly gets blasted from behind by Griffin. Harvin moves on, but his head will be ringing from that shot as the next round closes in. The crowd goes wild for Griffin, who announces he must leave to go shoot another terrible commercial for some random product nobody needs.

  This has been quite a night so far, with just two first round matches left to go. We’ve seen a lot of crazy shit thus far… and we’re sure to see even more in our next battle with two massive men hitting the ring. Professional jerk ass Richie Incognito (he sure as hell isn’t playing football anymore) faces off with a different kind of bully… the woman beating douchebag Greg Hardy of the Panthers. Incognito starts things off by resorting to his old tricks, mocking Hardy and his legal woes. Hardy goes into a rage, battering the bully with lefts and rights, but Incognito quickly shows Hardy that this abuse victim actually fights back, unlike the woman Hardy beat half to death and threatened with a pile of guns in his apartment (allegedly). Incognito clearly has the upper hand here, until suddenly Jonathan Martin appears, hitting Incognito, the man who bullied him out of Miami, with a steel chair and giving the momentum back to the woman beater, Greg Hardy. Hardy takes full advantage, and he’s moving on to the next round!

  In our last first round matchup, massive asshat Dwight Howard faces off with flop master Dwyane Wade in what should be a real test of wills… the wills of everyone watching that is. Howard immediately starts off by crying to the referee, who is confused since he’s really only there in spirit! Howard doesn’t really seem to understand this, and he continues jawing at the ref. While he complains, Wade comes up behind Howard, who flails his arms out in frustration. Wade is nearly elbowed in the face… and flops over. The referee begins the ten count, and Wade continues to roll around on the ground. After ten seconds of this, Wade is out, and Dwight Howard becomes the final member of our 16-man contingent to make the second round of Turkey Bowl 2014!

  As we move on to the second round, here is a list of upcoming mathcups:

A-Rod vs. Ryan Braun

LeBron James vs. Dwight Howard

Matt Cooke vs. Brad Marchand

Jameis Winston vs. Carlos Gomez

Dick Sherman vs. Percy Harvin

John Calipari vs. Pete Carroll

Tag Team Match: Mayweather/War Machine vs. Hardy/Rice

  To kick off the second round, we’re going to have a tag team matchup between NFL spousal abusers Ray Rice and Greg Hardy and two fighters who take their aggressions out of the ring and into the home in Floyd Mayweather Jr. and MMA fighter War Machine. The special celebrity guest referee for this match will be Dog the Bounty Hunter… the man who was finally able to bring War Machine to justice after his run from the law. “I want a clean fight brah… go with Christ”. Rice and Hardy begin to argue over who has to get into the ring first, while Mayweather and War Machine argue over who gets to start off the match. To kick things off, the smaller duo of Mayweather and Rice face off. Rice doesn’t seem to want anything to do with this matchup, but he can’t outrun Mayweather. Eventually, Mayweather corners him and proceeds to knock the hell out of him with that famous right hook. Meanwhile, War Machine has had enough waiting, as he goes after Hardy on the outside. War Machine completely decimates Hardy, putting him through the Spanish announce table, and Mayweather continues to make short work of Ray Rice. Really sucks when somebody beats the hell out of you, doesn’t it Ray? Eventually, Dog the Bounty Hunter calls for the bell and this massacre is over… Floyd and War Machine advance to the “Elite 8” of sports douchebaggery.

  Next up, Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with John Calipari… two guys who made a ton of money off the backs of college kids now need to make their money on their own. Coach Cal hears a rumor that this fight could very well be in violation of NCAA rules, but of course that’s never stopped him before. Still, he feels a strange wave of conscience come over him and attempts to tell the referee that he forfeits; but it seems that Pete Carroll got the jump on him. Despite the fact that he’s no longer an NCAA coach, he heard about potential sanctions and jumped ship before Calipari even had the chance out of pure instinct! Coach Cal moves on to the Elite 8 for a change and Pete Carroll backs his way out of trouble yet again!

  Next up, two former teammates square off as Dick Sherman faces off with Percy Harvin. Harvin’s head is still ringing from  the post-match beating he took from Blake Griffin, and Sherman is well aware. After an extensive amount of trash talking worsens Harvin’s migraine headache, Sherman seals the win with his Pick Six move. Dick Sherman moves on, and it looks like Percy Harvin is going to be out of action for another year or so… sorry Jets fans!

  Next up, rape and crab leg enthusiast Jameis Winston faces off with the passionate Carlos Gomez. Both are fine athletes in the primes of their careers, and Gomez takes an early advantage. After getting Winston down, he proceeds to take a little too much time taunting Brian McCann, who is sitting at ringside for the fight. McCann decides he’s seen enough, and gets up to confront Gomez. Just then, Winston hits a blatant low blow, then once again locks in that Boston Crab maneuver. Gomez has no choice but to tap out… and once again the Boston Crab proves to be an effective weapon for Jameis. After the match, Jimbo Fisher joins Winston in the ring, holding his hand up high and claiming to be the one who taught him that maneuver.

   In the next match, two men who are hated by fans, opponents, and teammates alike, as Matt Cooke takes on fellow ice-douche Brad Marchand. Something seems off right away, as Marchand is slurring his speech and stumbling around a bit. I just received word from an anonymous source that Marchand was just thrown out of Mo’s Tavern a few minutes ago after having a few too many Fred Lite’s and getting fresh with OlHarry. Cooke takes quick advantage, and moves on to our next round.

  Next, we have Dwight Howard, who breezed through his last matchup against his first opponents’ former teammate, LeBron James. These two massive egos square off to become the NBA’s sole representative in the Elite 8. Early on, Dwight takes advantage of his size and reach advantage, pummeling the chosen one with right hooks and elbows. But LeBron turns things around by tossing talcum powder right into the big man’s eyes. Howard is completely helpless, and James shows a little killer instinct for a change and is able to finish things off like an uncontested dunk. James moves on, and as usual Dwight Howard falls short of his goal.

  In our final Elite 8 matchup, two of the biggest shames to the game of baseball square off as Alex Rodriguez takes on Ryan Braun. Both men are linked to the Biogenesis scandal, and both were wronged by Dr. Anthony Boesh. Braun got his revenge earlier, while Rodriguez was able to defeat his unenhanced first round opponent, Yasiel Puig. This will be a truly performance enhanced matchup, and power will be at a premium. We’ll find out which man had the better chemist as the fight begins. Braun and Rodriguez start things off by denying their use of PEDs to one another… then Rodriguez flip flops a bit and admits to using something back in 2001 when he was in Texas. Braun remains steadfast… but Rodriguez cracks and admits that yeah, he might have used them when he was in New York, too. Braun seems conflicted… should he admit it, or should he continue to deny? As he ponders this, Rodriguez commences to the corner of the ring and proceeds to dry hump himself in the mirror his handlers set up for him before the match.

  Braun quickly takes note of it, and knocks Rodriguez clean through the mirror, cutting him badly. The blood is everywhere, as this is beginning to look like an easy win for Braun. Braun continues the beating, when suddenly a windowless van drives into the arena. It’s A-Rod’s cousin… A-Rod’s cousin is back again! In the confusion, he slips something to A-Rod… Rodriguez injects the substance, and is reinvigorated by the injection. Braun is powerless to stop him as Rodriguez’s superior “skill” and “ability” is on full display. Showing the kind of power that Yankees fans hope for this season after a full year away from the game, Rodriguez overcomes his early troubles and is able to defeat Braun, proving that even after a year out of action, he’s still the biggest douchebag there is the sport!

  We’re down to our last eight competitors… after two grueling rounds; Alex Rodriguez, LeBron James, Matt Cooke, Jameis Winston, War Machine, Floyd Mayweather, and John Calipari are all that remain in the race to see who the biggest piece of shit in all of sports is for the year 2014! Who has what it takes? Who will reach down the deepest and become our new champion? We’ll find out, coming up next!

  Now we’re back, and in our first Elite 8 matchup, Matt Cooke faces off with college football’s biggest bad boy, Jameis Winston. Cooke has a clear fighting advantage here, as Winston is just a quarterback here. Cooke has been through a couple of wars already, while Winston has used his love of crab to move on in both rounds. Cooke will have to avoid distraction in order to get out of this one… and he’ll have to avoid that half-Boston Crab Winston has used in both his fights thus far. Cooke gets off to an emphatic start, going knee to knee on the Heisman winner. But Winston saw it coming, and with Cooke laying on the ground in pain, pulls out his steel knee pad and throws it out of the ring. After an elementary application of his now famed half Boston Crab, Cooke turtles and taps, and Jameis Winston is the first of the four participants to qualify for the Fatal Fourway to determine the 2014 Turkey Bowl Champion!

  Up next, Dick Sherman hits the ring for his matchup with punkass pugilist Floyd Mayweather Jr. Mayweather has breezed through Swaggy P and the team of NFL woman beaters, but Sherman should be a real challenge for him. Sherman ducks a barrage of punches by Mayweather, landing a few jabs of his own before unleashing a barrage of verbal abuse towards Floyd. Suddenly, Sherman’s LOB teammates jump over the safety railing, entering the ring and backing up their leader. Earl Thomas hits Mayweather with a spear, and Lane and Maxwell follow up with a double powerbomb. All Sherman has to do is gloat as Mayweather lies in a pile. Sherman lives up to his earlier boasting, and he’s in the finale!

   In our next fight, LeBron James is a huge underdog as he goes up against trained MMA fighter War Machine, who was allowed out of prison for the night in hopes that he would take a real beating. But, despite an initial switch beating at the hands of Adrian Peterson, he’s gone relatively unscathed so far. Before the fight can even begin, there is a commotion at ringside. James awaits his opponent inside the ring, but it seems something is wrong backstage. It seems that unlike his failed prison suicide attempt, War Machine has finally succeeded at something in his life, hanging himself from an air duct in the back. Seems nobody here at the Turkey Bowl cared enough to cut that piece of trash down this time around. LeBron avoids a beating, and the world is a better place without that sack of shit around.

  We’re now down to our last semifinal match, with Alex Rodriguez facing off with Kentucky Wildcats head coach John Calipari. Coach Cal begins things by trying to tell a funny story about Anthony Davis’ eyebrow… but A Rod is having none of it. He finally sees a chance to win something legitimately, as Calipari is an easy opponent for him. For the first time since high school (allegedly), Rodriguez does things the right way, and easily defeats Calipari to move on to our finale!

  So through three rounds of fighting we’ve whittled away 28 other contestants and we’ve got the four biggest douchebags in sports ready to battle it out to see who truly is #1! Former Turkey Bowl Champions LeBron James and Alex Rodriguez are odds on favorites, but Dick Sherman and Jameis Winston both have strong games when it comes to being a massive asshole. Will we crown a new champion, or will the wily veterans pick up yet another Turkey Bowl trophy? We find out right after this:

  Ladies and gentlemen, we are back, and our main event is set to begin. Four men, one ring, one champion… a Fatal Fourway matchup to determine who is the biggest douchebag, piece of shit, fuckstick, ass-licking motherfucker in all of sports. As the bell rings our four competitors circle, each trying to get a feel for their opponents. LeBron makes the first move, taking Winston’s legs out, seemingly angry about the beating he gave his boy Johnny Manziel earlier in the night. Rodriguez and Sherman begin shoving and Sherman is trash talking as usual. Rodriguez hits him with a performance enhanced right hook, which knocks his jaw out of place! Finally someone has shut this guy the hell up! As Rodriguez continues pummeling Dick Sherman, Jameis has turned the tables on “King James”, and has him set up for the half Boston Crab again! LeBron goes for the talcum powder to the eye trick again, but Winston sees it coming and ducks out of the way. As James attempts to regain his composure, Winston climbs the ropes and hits him with a Crab Leg Drop. Rodriguez has eliminated Dick Sherman… and he turns his attentions to Winston, who is about to eliminate LeBron. Rodriguez makes the save, and the two former champions start to work together against the young upstart. With Sherman out, it’s up to Winston to ensure there is a new champion this time around.

  Winston runs the ropes, and ducks under a double clothesline attempt by James and Rodriguez. Winston then lands a roundhouse to the back of A-Rod’s head, putting him down for the count. But LeBron takes advantage and puts Jameis up into what looks like a torture rack… a throwback to the days of Lex Luger! As James struts about the ring with Winston over his shoulders, Rodriguez is counted out. We’re now down to the final two folks! Winston is in a bad way as he begins to fade… it looks like LeBron James is going to become a two-time Turkey Bowl winner! All of a sudden on the big screen, a video plays of Tim Duncan and Greg Poppovich turning up the thermostat! James watches in horror, and works feverishly to try and get Winston to give up. Soon, the temperature rises, and suddenly James gets “them cramps” again.

  Winston takes advantage and gets out of the hold, and James rolls around on the mat. Jameis, never one to pass up the opportunity to take advantage of someone or something, locks in the half Boston Crab once again… and James immediately starts tapping out! Jameis Winston has done it! Jameis Winston is the Turkey Bowl champion!

   We now go live to ringside with Jameis Winston, who is joined by Coach Jimbo Fisher.

IHM: Jameis, how does it feel to know you are the single biggest piece of shit in the world of sports today? Of all the douchebags out there, you are #1!

Winston: “If I’m-a do it then, I’m-a do it big”

IHM: Right… so how does it feel knowing that despite “allegedly” being a rapist, thief, and dumber than a fucking rock that you’ve overcome all the odds and proven yourself here on this stage?

Jimbo: This interview is over.

  So as Jimbo Fisher ushers Jameis out of the arena with his newest trophy in tow, we say goodnight to all of you. Thanks to everybody out there for doing stupid things and making this so very easy for me! As they say in my old neighborhood… play stupid games, win stupid prizes!

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