Seeing the plight of my many friends in the United States, I felt it incumbent on me to reach into my recipe file and find yet another soluble solace sauce that will be of aid to man and beast. It's called,
SNOW TONIC AND
Here are the basic things you'll need before you begin preparation:
I Snowplow, well cleaned with especial attention to the bucket
3 Coleman Stoves, fully gassed and ready to go
2 Snow Shovels, Metal, not Plastic.
1 Large Outdoor Space, A parking lot or drive way will do nicely
First position the stoves with all their burners exposed in a line on the ground. Light them and turn to medium flame. Move the bucket of the snow plow over the three stoves and lower until heat is perceptible but paint on the outside is only bubbling, not burning.
To test for correct heat, empty Five Gallons of Cognac (or Armagnac or Kirschwasser or Brandy-your choice) into the bucket. Wait ten minutes, give or take, and using a candy thermometer, take the temperature of the fluid. (During this lull, samplings of fluids are encouraged.) When the bucket begins to steam and the smell of spirits hangs in the air, add a shovel full of PURE White Snow. Nothing yellow, nothing brown, nothing scraped from cars. Stir vigorously until the steaming stops.
Add one 55 gallon drum of non-blended Kentucky Bourbon. Toss in two gross cinnamon sticks. Stir briskly and add the juice of twenty lemons and three gallons of (non alcoholic, this is for medicine, not drunkenness) apple cider. (The kind that looks as if it has mucus in it, not the clear stuff that is sold as “juice”.) Add a shovel full of cranberries, lemon rind, cloves, another scoop of snow and mix well. Stir until you're tired.
Take a glass for “proofing” purposes and drink it. Allow to stand until a rich, scented steam pervades the area again. Take the temperature again. As you approach 200 degrees, turn off the stoves and quickly cover the bucket with layers of tarp and fir boughs. Let sit over night.
Put a sample in a small retort cup and expose to flame. If it flames, cover and continue the aging process. Eventually you will get to a point where flame added to the mixture will blow the retort cup up. Tonic is now ready.
To serve, restart the Coleman Stove and heat to 120 degrees.
Best served in heavy mugs or steins, no smoking while drinking.
I've known girly men to put a dollop of whipped cream on top but that action is really for the ladies auxiliary.
Recipe may be doubled, tripled or more. For towns with cold grounds and wanting warm hearts, a clean tanker truck may be used. Substitute Propane tanks for the Coleman stoves and shake by shifting quickly from first to reverse. Borrow a hose with a step down nozzle from the fire department to serve.
Appropriate for all occasions save those who have as part of their bylaws a temperance oath.
It won't take away the snow but it will allow you to forget it until you wake up. When falling to the ground, it's best to fall in groups. Body heat goes a long way in preventing hypothermia.
This recipe is NOT copyrighted and may be reproduced and shared as may seem necessary.