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Alright, its time to get running with another YouGab 25! First it was The Bro Code, and now it's:
The YouGab 25 - Things That Piss You Off In Sports
We here at YouGabSports, for all intensive purposes, have some axes to grind, generally on a daily basis. From steroids, to fighting in hockey, to all sorts of other maladies, we've stood tall and let our opinions be known. So obviously, we have some issues we need to settle. Why not compile a list of what crawls up our respective backsides the most, no holds barred, no stones left unturned?
For those new to this feature, here's
how it will work:
- I'll start the list off with the item.
- Each subsequent comment will add no more than one item. You can return to add another later, but let's be nice and take turns. The Bro Code stipulated that no Bro will ever kick another in the groin, but there are ladies here also, and I can't promise anything with at least one of them.
- We'll build this list all the way to 25, if all of us can manage to count that high.
- You do not let the list die until after it has hit 25!!
So without further hesitation, I give you:
The YouGab 25 - Things That Piss Us Off In Sports
1.) Pink Hats At The Ballpark - Hey, I'm all for female fans in sports. Hell, I even pushed my wife kicking and screaming into baseball. But listen, I don't go to your sewing circles and start hanging up posters of bikini clad women for you to peruse and likewise, I don't expect you to try to make my games a little lighter on their feet either.
2.) Loud, drunken fans who can't keep their food or beverages off the fans in front of them. - Thanks Harry (I hope I summed that up right)!
3.) Stupid mascots, especially those that have nothing to do with the team. If it isn't obvious, it doesn't belong on the field. - Thanks Beeze!
4.) Female sideline reporters. Most look like a foot and the rest can't ask an intelligent question. Lump Tiki Barber in with that crowd too. - Thanks Franz and Beeze!
5.) Endzone Dancing....enough said.
6.) Hockey commentators that don't know the game. If you're going to call it, at least keep a cheat sheet. - Thanks Hotch!
7.) Joe Morgan and the Big Red Machine...enough said! - Thanks Nutball Gazette amd Tenacious Franz!
8.) The douchebag at the bar that roars and claps loudly after EVERY play.
I mean, come on dude –– guys run for a 3 yard gain all the time, you
don't have to act like your team just won the Super Bowl –– tone it
down before I shove my Sam Adams up your ass. - Thanks B-Dub!
9.) The Yankees spending like a drunken Obama. - Thanks Boz!
10.) ESPN's around the clock coverage of A-Rod! - Thanks again Boz!
11.) John Madden - That fat bastard just pisses me off & makes me want to throw things
at the tv. I hate hearing how he is one of the best in the business.
They could put a monkey in the booth & it would be more informative
and a whole hell of a lot more entertaining - Thanks Bronc!
12.) Ray Lewis's Pre-game dance and general existence. - Thanks again Boz!
13.) Officials who are bigger than the game and take it upon themselves to decide the outcome. - Thanks again Bronc!
14.) Owners who champion not raising ticket prices during a down economy, even though their ticket prices are already astronomically high. - Thanks Harry!
15.) National TV Networks that dedicate their game coverage to only one team. - Thanks Hotch!
16.) Owners who refuse to pay their players in order to field a winner. - Thanks Bronc!
17.) Throwback and alternate jerseys, how many jerseys does a team need? - Thanks Boz!
18.) Baseball games dragging out due to players jockeying their jockeys. - Thanks Mikesgirl!
19.) Paying for the NFL Network to get Thursday games and still not getting them. - Thanks Boz!
20.) Mel Kiper - Hey if we wanted to watch someone be wrong on television 85% of the time, we would have tuned in to George W. Bush more often! - Thanks again Boz!
21.) I'm not singling out Bob Costas...But I hate that "journalist" who
thinks he is the walking book of knowledge on a particular sport...Like
Costas and Baseball...Those guys drive me nuts...Like Kiper with the
draft...Douches! - Thanks Beeze!
22.) People who leave games early. If you pay for a ticket, stay for the show. - Thanks Bronc!
23.) What about the douche who spends the whole friggin game on his cell? I
went to a sporting event over the weekend & the douche bag in front
of me spent the whole time on the phone, giving someone a play by play.
- Thanks again Bronc!
24.) Sports news stations dedicating round the clock coverage to only one story. - Thanks Beeze!
25.) The look at me emotional pieces about athletes, shot on the property of their 18,000 square foot home. - Thanks Harry!
26.) Jump shots in the NBA. Don't just chuck it up for the sake of chucking it up there. - Thanks Boz.
Alright guys, that's your queue to let them start flying.
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In a sign of continuing economic uncertainty, Wal-Mart says that January sales exceeded expectations, but that because consumer behavior is unpredictable they’re going to stop making their monthly forecasts. Wal-Mart is having difficulty predicting consumer behavior? There are entire graduate programs dedicated to consumer behavior and the world’s largest retailer can’t predict behavior? Yeah, times are hard.
Get this, they slashed prices on hamburger buns, chili, and flat panel televisions. What an apparently disparate group of products – and they say they don’t get consumer behavior. Bunkum.
Well, the idea really was to drive traffic into the store to score some sales from the Super Bowl. Now, I will say, it would have been helpful then if they had some of the team gear on hand at my local Wally-world, but nonetheless, the idea would seem to have worked…to increase the Super ratings.
The NFL should be paying Wal-Mart to do that every year: the ratings for this game were the third highest in history. Pretty good, considering the Cardinals really don’t fetch an audience. This was all Wal-Mart marking down hamburger buns and selling TVs…and “Steeler Nation.” I can picture everyone in Beaver County watching the “Stillers” on their new flat panel, munching on cheap hamburger buns… Imagine that marketing marriage. Next thing you know, Wal-mart will be pimping the Super Bowl in store and getting $2MM per foot of space for the NFL to advertise the game.
Can’t say that Wal-Mart’s sales increase was particularly good in normal times, but a Steelers/Cardinals match up to competein ratings with an Undefeated New England Team vs. a NY Metro team AND 1980’s Joe Montana? That’s some marketing might for sure. Maybe the NFL will take the sponsorship route and rename the game “The Wal-Mart Super Bowl”
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Alright now, let's face it, a bunch of us have either posted one already or have been contacted to build one of these "25 Things" lists that are supposed to unlock some secret key into each of our own private worlds, like we're writing the Diary Of Anne Frank or something. I figured that since everyone is in the comment mode, I would steal that idea for a bit and make it a community exercise.
So anyway, I figured what the infamous "Bro' Code" would be a great place to start this off and build our own "25 Rules Of The Bro' Code. Here's how it will work:
- I'll start the list off with the first rule.
- Each subsequent comment will add no more than one rule. You can return to add another later, but let's be nice and take turns.
- We'll build this list all the way to 25, if all of us can manage to count that high.
Sound like a ball? Should be. Oh, and just because it's the Bro' Code, doesn't mean that its limited to the guys commenting. Anybody with an opinion is open to casting it, capice?
So without further hesitation, I give you:
The YouGab 25 - The Bro' Code
1.) Whoever drinks the last beer is in charge of buying the next case. Don't make me go all Terry Tate on you mooches.
2.) Don't errr....stick it to a Bro's woman. - Thanks Beeze!
3.) A Bro shall not allow a fellow Bro to leave with an ugly ho.
- Thanks Neal!
4.) One bro shall NEVER tell another bro he looks good in those jeans... - Thanks Felber!
5.) No bro should call another bro while sitting on the can...Whatever you have to say can surely wait. - Thanks Bronc!
6.) If you go to a bro's house and catch him in the act of watching Oprah,
Tyra, or anything on Lifetime, you are required to beat the shit out of
him for 5 minutes with his remote control. - Thanks BW!
7.) When the Bro doesn't clear the ladie's tee he has to play the rest of
the hole with HIS stick hanging out for the remainder of the hole!!!
That'll learn him. - Thanks Sully!
8.) Porn or not, there is no excuse to whip it out in front of other bros. - Frag
9.) A bro should never give advice to another bro on the golf course if he himself has never broken 90, unless the advice is about woman and beer. - Thanks Harry!
10.) Let's talk COFFEE. If I'm behind you and you're ordering a half
caff/double soy/lightly steamed/mocha/chai latte grande, then you
should expect me to respond by saying – "So what's your boyfriends
name"?
Don't be that guy, because he's nobody's Bro! - Thanks Sully!
11.) Never let a bro order fish or pasta at a steak house.
and if the wait staff asks if you want an appetizer make sure it's meat!
Never let a bro eat fish that isn't cooked. - Thanks Harry!
12.) Never let a bro order wine during a ballgame;
ball game beverages names must start with
Bud, Sam, Jack or Captain. - Thanks again Harry!
13.) One bro shall never ask another bro to pass toilet paper under the stall unless that bro expects it to be recycled. - Frag
14.) Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril is one bro permitted to kick another bro in the testicles. - Thanks Bronc!
15.) Bathroom Bro Code: While at a sporting event, looking down is ONLY PERMISSIBLE to make sure your not pissing on your shoe!!!
- Thanks Felber!
16.) A Bro must honor the one urinal buffer zone between another Bro in all bathrooms, with the only exception being sporting events due to the lines. - Thanks Bronc!
17.) Any Bro caught knowingly watching the Westminster Dog Show shall immediately be called a Fag by all other Bro's for no less than 3 weeks afterwards. - Thanks Beeze (Sorry to amend a bit)!
18.) At no time should one Bro reprimand another Bro for bodily functions. The only acceptable comments are "good one" or "Damn dude, go outside". - Thanks Felber!
19.) One Bro shall never cheat in another Bro's fantasy leagues without the punishment of being held responsible for funding the entire league the next season. - Thanks again Felber!
20.) If a bro knows more colours than the obligatory three primary colours, he is to be derided as a "Nancy" or "Poofter."
- Thanks Hotch!
21.) Just because it's called a 'Man–icure' does NOT mean you need to get
one. The only tool(s) needed to get the shit out from under your nails,
and not limited too, are a screwdriver, pocket–knife, or any semi–sharp
pointed object within reach. Feel free to chew the hell out of them if
you want. The only time a little Korean girl should be messing with
your nails is after she has finished the happy–ending to your massage.
- Thanks Felber!
22.) Any Bro slapping another Bro's ass must follow said action with "Good Game" and be within the confines of said game. - Thanks Hotch!
23.) Any bro caught doing a line dance at a wedding will be subjected to
sitting and chatting with the brides ugly fat aunts that he's been
dancing with and if said Bro jumps up from the table giggling that "This is my favorite
song" needs to be immediatly removed from the facility and shown the
bottom of a dumpster.
- Thanks Harry and Felber for the teamwork!
24.) Never say nice six pack to any of your bros, unless you are talking about the beer he is holding in his hand. - Thanks Bronc!
And now...
25.) Any Bro who says "my beer isn't cold anymore" and it's less than 90 degrees out, needs to step up the pace.
- Thanks Harry!
Let's keep it moving....
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By now we’ve all heard the news, but in case you haven’t, it’s a doozy.
Believe it or not, VH1 has decided to give Terrell Owens his own
reality TV show, following the Cowboys wide receiver while he lives his
life off the football field.
Yeah, that sounds like a real ratings winner for me too.
No doubt Owens already gets his share of TV time for his antics, so
much so that I’m somewhat shocked that ESPN didn’t try to wrangle the
rights to it first. But just how much of it can people stomach in order
to bring viewers back from week to week? Is there really that much
interest to see just how much lower he’ll stoop?
And how will they work it? What will they do to make it
interesting? Let’s face it, reality TV isn’t worth anything unless it’s
scripted right?! How about revamping some older reality programs by
inserting Owens into an already established premise?
Here are a few ideas that could make this a real hit.
Celebrity Fit Camp
Owens and his Cowboy teammates attempt to whip overweight
celebrities back into shape. Expect appearances from Adam “Pacman”
Jones doing the infamous Dollar Bill Toss lift and toss technique to
work the glutes, Roy Williams’ teaching how Horse Collaring will build
your pectoral muscles, and Owens teaching his patented Drive Way
push-up technique. There’s no such thing as a TO at this camp.
A Shot of T.O.
The ultimate dating show returns for the erstwhile bachelor. Owens
tries to whittle down the field of eligible women to find Ms. Right.
The twist, the contestant must make TO love her more than he does
himself. Who will step up and accept the challenge to take a Shot Of
T.O.
T.O. Knows Best
We follow T.O. around the Dallas locker room as he tries to
maintain order and camaraderie amongst the many egos that comprise the
Cowboys. Owens will use his own special ways to break through
communication gaps, help teammates grow to understand each other more,
and do his best to battle the demons that will put his teammates at
risk. Nothing is left out, as Owens must do all of this while also
trying to save his marriage, to himself.
Survivor - NFL
Survivor returns to network television with a new cast, among them,
Terrell Owens. Amongst the many tasks the contestants will have to put
themselves through, you’ll see such challenges as pill overdosing,
throwing teammates under the bus, and whining for the ball. Nothing
will prepare you for the level of depravity these contestants stoop to
in order to be the final survivor.
Remote Control
The classic game show from the Eighties gets revamped for the 21st
century. Three contestants compete by watching various news clips about
Terrell Owens and trying to answer questions to show just how well they
know Owens. The final contestant must face off against the man himself
to show who knows T.O. best in order to take home the grand prize or go
home empty handed.
So, that’s what I’ve got cooking thus far, but I tell you what, I
think I’ve hit the veritable gold mine of resources with which to keep
these rolling. Imagine others, like:
I Survived A T.O. Interview
Deal or No Deal, The T.O. Contract Edition
The Biggest Loser
The possibilities are endless. Feel free to chip in with some of your own thoughts as well.
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Welcome one and all back to Monday Monologues, my weekly collections of
quips and wisecracks taken straight from the latest sports headlines. I
hope everyone had a great weekend. If not, its time to shake it off and
get your laugh on, the perfect thing to gear you up for a long week in
the office.
- The Denver Broncos are said to be ready to name former New
England Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels as their new head
coach, replacing the Mike Shanahan. McDaniels will become the youngest
head coach in the NFL. The deal has been agreed to by all parties, but
still requires the signature of McDaniels legal guardian before it can
be finalized.
- The Red Sox continues their off season signings this past week by
inking John Smoltz, Rocco Baldelli, and Takashi Saito to contracts. All
three spent significant time on the disabled list last season, but
represent a low risk, high reward alternative for Boston in adding
components to its 2009 squad. Alternatively, should the players fail to
stay healthy, Tom Werner is considering a remake of the classic
M.A.S.H. as his next television project.
- Jarkko Ruutu was suspended for two games last week after biting
the thumb of Andrew Peters of the Buffalo Sabres through his gloved
hand. Peters was said to agree with the league ruling. Ruutu added, “I
did not bite his thumb at him sir, but I did bite his thumb.”
- Adam “Pacman” Jones announced last week that he was considering
suing ESPN over the network’s comments regarding the possibility of
Jones ordering someone to shoot at three men outside a club in Atlanta.
When our legal department analyzed Jones’s claim and his likelihood of
victory, we were astonished to learn that through a strikingly
surprising turn, and money he would win in the suit would immediately
need to be paid to Ron Goldman.
- A report surfaced last week that more than 8% of all Major League
Baseball players have received a banned substance exemption from the
league in order to treat ADHD. This is a shocking revelation against
Major League Baseball and its battle against illegal supplements. In
defense, Bud Selig was quoted as saying, “We simply didn’t think anyone
was paying attention.”
- Despite the threat of a lawsuit by the Portland Trail Blazers,
Darius Miles received and signed a contract offer from the Memphis
Grizzlies. Portland had been threatening any team that signed Miles
with a lawsuit because if Miles were to play just 2 more games this
season, his contract would count against the Blazer’s salary cap for
2009-10. Memphis stands strong in its belief that signing Miles was the
right thing to do, saying “Hey, the Knicks are paying Stephon Marbury
aren’t they?”
- Alex Rodriguez continues his swinging ways after being sited with
actress Kate Hudson over the weekend. A-Rod, who reached a divorce
settlement with his wife Cynthia in September, was at first thought to
be with Madonna. In the end however, it appears they are just in a
running competition to see who could bed the most celebs with Rodriguez
likely to lose because his bat goes limp in pressure situations.
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