Humor
Kim Jong related to Johnny Monkey?
Category: Humor
Tags: Johnny Monkey

 

Hello Gabbers, Johnny Monkey here to wish you a Merry Christmas. Johnny Monkey has taken the rest of the year off to celebrate Christmas with his friends, but after reading an article about the passing of Kim Jong II, Johnny Monkey felt compelled to write something. You have probably heard about Kim Jong II, right? Jong was the leader of North Korea and was constantly being heard threatening to drop a bomb on one country or another. Johnny Monkey did not realize what an exquisite athlete that Kim Jong was and wondered if perhaps is there was some Johnny Monkey blood in Kim Jong. Of course you know that Johnny Monkey is well known as Johnny Monkey the Bad Ass Monkey, but when Johnny Monkey reads that Kim Jong II was known as:Glorious General Who Descended From Heaven and the Ever-Victorious Iron-Willed Commander, Johnny Monkey must acknowledge that Jong had a bad ass name. Johnny Monkey has always picked up things very easily...like playing Beethoven and Mozart flawlessly after listening to a tape about playing piano. But, Johnny Monkey has nothing on Kim Jong. Did you realize that Jong pieced together an exquisite round of 38 for 18 holes at Pyongyang’s 7,700-yard championship course. In the reading about Jong, Johnny Monkey discovered this:

 

 

The feat included five magnificent holes-in-one and it appears that Kim subsequently decided his 31-under-par achievement was enough to solidify his legacy and rarely played afterwards. Perhaps for the sake of our perception of golf’s legend, it is just as well. Jack Nicklaus’ career hole-in-one tally of 20 seems humble by comparison, and had Kim continued at his early pace, he would have surpassed the Golden Bear within a week.

Johnny Monkey bowled one time and rolled a very fair 278...Jong outdid Johnny Monkey:

Ten-pin bowling was another pursuit that Kim, believed to stand just over five feet but clearly a physical specimen of unmatched grace, turned to with equal aplomb. Again, it took just one attempt to solidify his reputation as a world class performer, with a perfect 300 game in the mid-1990s. Johnny Monkey is impressed! Jong bowled a perfect game in one try? That is truly an inspiration.

Jong's health began to suffer, so he turned to coaching his supreme athletes. Here are examples of Jong's excellent coaching:

By then his appetite for sports was largely restricted to coaching and his ailing physical condition could not prevent that razor-sharp mind from being put to good use in the service of his nation. During the soccer World Cup in 2010, Kim, by then so rarely seen in public that false reports of his death -- presumably leaked by those rascals in the West -- combined technology with tactical savvy to deliver messages to North Korea head coach Kim Jong-Hun. The advice was sent via invisible telephone, which the Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love (another delightful official moniker) had himself had invented, with the coach telling ESPN: "I get regular information ... using mobile phones not visible to the naked eye." Notice that they used the word moniker? Johnny Monkey likes the word moniker...a true hint of Jong's monkey thinking! But Johnny Monkey digresses...

North Korea’s misfortune (or a dastardly Western plot) at being placed in the infamous Group of Death alongside Brazil, Portugal and the Ivory Coast meant there was little that could be done to prevent them from conceding 12 lucky goals and losing all three games, much to the disappointment of the thousand-plus Chinese fans who were rented to cheer them on in South Africa.

Undeterred, Kim again used his soccer knowledge to the benefit of North Korea during the Women’s World Cup earlier this year. More sound hints were sent to the coaching staff, only for the side to be eliminated from group play after struggling to recover from being struck by lightning, which may have also resulted in five players testing positive for steroids.

Even in the months before his death, Kim was said to have retained a keen interest in watching sports. A huge basketball fan -- he was presented with a signed Michael Jordan ball by then Secretary of State Madeleine Albright more than a decade ago -- he must have been disappointed by the recent NBA lockout.

The Jordan memento was said to occupy pride of place in one of Kim’s 17 luxurious palaces and was a fitting tribute from one sports legend to another.

Johnny Monkey wishes that he could have spent time with this great sportsman. But, then again...Jong's eagerness to prove to be the best might have brought out the bad ass in Johnny  Monkey.

Johnny Monkey things that if Kim Jong had eaten his vegetables that he might have lived a more robust life. Don't be like Kim Jong eat your vegetables!

Before Johnny Monkey goes, there was recently a thought that Johnny Monkey was riding around on a dog during a football game. This was Johnny Monkey's cousin Billy Monkey. The youngster can ride anything, but of course this should not surprise you, right? Johnny Monkey is too big to ride a dog, but has ridden other things:

 

 

 

 

 

Johnny Monkey wishes all of his Gab friends a very Merry Christmas and to please travel safely during the holidays.

Quite Possibly the Worst Song I've Found To Date
Category: Humor


Becareful what you drink!!!
Category: Humor
Tags: Drink Rum Wine Ice

 

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
 
 
Just a little message to my friends!!!
 


 

The Most Bad Ass Monkey in the World
Category: Humor
Tags: The most interesting monkey in the world.

 

Hello my Gab friends. It has been awhile since I stopped by and I thought it was time to treat you to a few of my thoughts. Johnny Monkey has been compared to another and Johnny Monkey felt that it was time to "differentiate" an interesting man and a bad ass monkey. Here are a few items that you may find, "interesting"...

 

 

When Johnny Monkey eats at a restaurant, the waiters tip him.

Traffic lights turn green whenever he approaches the light.

Mimes can’t shut up around Johnny Monkey.

When there is a real emergency, 911 calls Johnny Monkey.

Wherever Johnny Monkey lives, the locals learn to speak his language.

When Johnny Monkey goes fishing, he does not need bait…the fish simply jump in his boat.

Johnny Monkey once made a bad man kick his own ass.

Life gives Johnny Monkey lemonade, never lemons.

Wilt Chamberlain read Johnny Monkey’s book about women.

 After the most interesting man in the world left The Virgin Islands, it was just called The Islands. After Johnny Monkey left, they were called The Satisfied Islands.

At birth, Johnny Monkey slapped the doctor.

Pilots allow Johnny Monkey to talk on his cell phone.

Johnny Monkey is friends with Big Foot and the Loch Ness monster.

Johnny Monkey can french in any language.

Rubik’s cube was a gift to Rubik from Johnny Monkey.

When Johnny Monkey met an alien, the alien asked Johnny Monkey to probe him…

 

 

 

Don't forget to keep eating your vegetables...

Monkey Time
Category: Humor
Tags: Johnny Monkey


 

Hello Gabbers. Johnny Monkey here to say a quick hello. I hope everyone is eating their vegetables and kicking life's ass. Johnny Monkey heard a cute story today and wanted to pass it along:

 

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Cubs fans too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Cubs fan.”

Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

“Why I’m proud to be a St. Louis Cardinals fan,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Cardinals fan.

“Well, My Dad and Mom are Cardinals fans, and I’m a Cardinals fan too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says the girl, “I’d be a Cubs fan...”...

 

Johnny Monkey likes the Cubs just fine, but thought this too funny not to pass along.

 



Johnny Monkey has been working on a magazine, hopefully some of you find this interesting.

 

 

 

 

Johnny Monkey is not sure what a School For Scondrels is all about.

 

 

 

 

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