Humor
Twas The Gab Before Christmas
Category: Humor
Tags: Christmas 2011

 

Twas the Gab before Christmas,

And all across the site,

The Gabitants were waiting,

For a topic just right.

 

Sandusky had been done,

His pedophile playmate Fine as well,

And without a Favre sighting,

There were just no stories to tell.

 

The NFL and NBA,

Were finally back back on the job,

Making way too much money,

For a forward pass or a lob.

 

The Gabitants were spread,

Around Mo’s empty bar room,

Pondering their thoughts,

In the gathering gloom.

 

Sully was keeping busy,

Answering an email or two,

From his good friend in Nigeria,

With some illegal banking to do.

 

Felber is still out shoveling,

The snow from last week,

That fell to the Earth,

Like a Raven’s winning streak.

 

The Beezer was seated,

Beside the fire in his chair,

Helping the Misses,

Clean the spunk from her hair.

 

 

Still others were coming,

And taking their seats,

Hoping for a story,

To fall at their feet.

 

Perhaps Harvey Dakota,

Had something to add,

About his memories of the days,

When the coaches wore plaid.

 

Johnny Monkey is in the corner,

Plotting his next plan for fun,

Of rising to power,

And usurping Kim Jong Un

And there’s B-Dub,

Helping to deck the halls,

Ranting about the Gamecocks,

And swinging from Cam Newton’s balls.

 

Fresh in from Hoodwood

Black Bandit got gifts aplenty,

With Phat Daps for some,

And Head Slaps for many.

 

Here’s Average Fan Detroit,

And his brother IHM,

With fresh Suh footprints,

On each of them.

B.O.B is in the corner,

Throwing a tantrum or two,

He has no Christmas spirit,

Because he’s pissed off at all of you.

 

Jefft02 hasn’t made it yet,

As he’s got a lawsuit to thwart,

Proving deep thoughts are his own,

In a Texas federal court.

 

Mia and Hotch,

Were nowhere to be seen,

Getting shafted with Christmas duty,

To feed the Gab blog machine.

 

And here I am,

Putting to paper this piece I do write,

Wishing my fellow Gabitants a Merry Christmas,

In a poem that has bite.

 

But this poem was fun,

And every word in jest,

I hope you have a good holiday,

And that your families remain blessed.

 

Kim Jong related to Johnny Monkey?
Category: Humor
Tags: Johnny Monkey

 

Hello Gabbers, Johnny Monkey here to wish you a Merry Christmas. Johnny Monkey has taken the rest of the year off to celebrate Christmas with his friends, but after reading an article about the passing of Kim Jong II, Johnny Monkey felt compelled to write something. You have probably heard about Kim Jong II, right? Jong was the leader of North Korea and was constantly being heard threatening to drop a bomb on one country or another. Johnny Monkey did not realize what an exquisite athlete that Kim Jong was and wondered if perhaps is there was some Johnny Monkey blood in Kim Jong. Of course you know that Johnny Monkey is well known as Johnny Monkey the Bad Ass Monkey, but when Johnny Monkey reads that Kim Jong II was known as:Glorious General Who Descended From Heaven and the Ever-Victorious Iron-Willed Commander, Johnny Monkey must acknowledge that Jong had a bad ass name. Johnny Monkey has always picked up things very easily...like playing Beethoven and Mozart flawlessly after listening to a tape about playing piano. But, Johnny Monkey has nothing on Kim Jong. Did you realize that Jong pieced together an exquisite round of 38 for 18 holes at Pyongyang’s 7,700-yard championship course. In the reading about Jong, Johnny Monkey discovered this:

 

 

The feat included five magnificent holes-in-one and it appears that Kim subsequently decided his 31-under-par achievement was enough to solidify his legacy and rarely played afterwards. Perhaps for the sake of our perception of golf’s legend, it is just as well. Jack Nicklaus’ career hole-in-one tally of 20 seems humble by comparison, and had Kim continued at his early pace, he would have surpassed the Golden Bear within a week.

Johnny Monkey bowled one time and rolled a very fair 278...Jong outdid Johnny Monkey:

Ten-pin bowling was another pursuit that Kim, believed to stand just over five feet but clearly a physical specimen of unmatched grace, turned to with equal aplomb. Again, it took just one attempt to solidify his reputation as a world class performer, with a perfect 300 game in the mid-1990s. Johnny Monkey is impressed! Jong bowled a perfect game in one try? That is truly an inspiration.

Jong's health began to suffer, so he turned to coaching his supreme athletes. Here are examples of Jong's excellent coaching:

By then his appetite for sports was largely restricted to coaching and his ailing physical condition could not prevent that razor-sharp mind from being put to good use in the service of his nation. During the soccer World Cup in 2010, Kim, by then so rarely seen in public that false reports of his death -- presumably leaked by those rascals in the West -- combined technology with tactical savvy to deliver messages to North Korea head coach Kim Jong-Hun. The advice was sent via invisible telephone, which the Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love (another delightful official moniker) had himself had invented, with the coach telling ESPN: "I get regular information ... using mobile phones not visible to the naked eye." Notice that they used the word moniker? Johnny Monkey likes the word moniker...a true hint of Jong's monkey thinking! But Johnny Monkey digresses...

North Korea’s misfortune (or a dastardly Western plot) at being placed in the infamous Group of Death alongside Brazil, Portugal and the Ivory Coast meant there was little that could be done to prevent them from conceding 12 lucky goals and losing all three games, much to the disappointment of the thousand-plus Chinese fans who were rented to cheer them on in South Africa.

Undeterred, Kim again used his soccer knowledge to the benefit of North Korea during the Women’s World Cup earlier this year. More sound hints were sent to the coaching staff, only for the side to be eliminated from group play after struggling to recover from being struck by lightning, which may have also resulted in five players testing positive for steroids.

Even in the months before his death, Kim was said to have retained a keen interest in watching sports. A huge basketball fan -- he was presented with a signed Michael Jordan ball by then Secretary of State Madeleine Albright more than a decade ago -- he must have been disappointed by the recent NBA lockout.

The Jordan memento was said to occupy pride of place in one of Kim’s 17 luxurious palaces and was a fitting tribute from one sports legend to another.

Johnny Monkey wishes that he could have spent time with this great sportsman. But, then again...Jong's eagerness to prove to be the best might have brought out the bad ass in Johnny  Monkey.

Johnny Monkey things that if Kim Jong had eaten his vegetables that he might have lived a more robust life. Don't be like Kim Jong eat your vegetables!

Before Johnny Monkey goes, there was recently a thought that Johnny Monkey was riding around on a dog during a football game. This was Johnny Monkey's cousin Billy Monkey. The youngster can ride anything, but of course this should not surprise you, right? Johnny Monkey is too big to ride a dog, but has ridden other things:

 

 

 

 

 

Johnny Monkey wishes all of his Gab friends a very Merry Christmas and to please travel safely during the holidays.

Quite Possibly the Worst Song I've Found To Date
Category: Humor


Becareful what you drink!!!
Category: Humor
Tags: Drink Rum Wine Ice

 

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
 
 
Just a little message to my friends!!!
 


 

The Most Bad Ass Monkey in the World
Category: Humor
Tags: The most interesting monkey in the world.

 

Hello my Gab friends. It has been awhile since I stopped by and I thought it was time to treat you to a few of my thoughts. Johnny Monkey has been compared to another and Johnny Monkey felt that it was time to "differentiate" an interesting man and a bad ass monkey. Here are a few items that you may find, "interesting"...

 

 

When Johnny Monkey eats at a restaurant, the waiters tip him.

Traffic lights turn green whenever he approaches the light.

Mimes can’t shut up around Johnny Monkey.

When there is a real emergency, 911 calls Johnny Monkey.

Wherever Johnny Monkey lives, the locals learn to speak his language.

When Johnny Monkey goes fishing, he does not need bait…the fish simply jump in his boat.

Johnny Monkey once made a bad man kick his own ass.

Life gives Johnny Monkey lemonade, never lemons.

Wilt Chamberlain read Johnny Monkey’s book about women.

 After the most interesting man in the world left The Virgin Islands, it was just called The Islands. After Johnny Monkey left, they were called The Satisfied Islands.

At birth, Johnny Monkey slapped the doctor.

Pilots allow Johnny Monkey to talk on his cell phone.

Johnny Monkey is friends with Big Foot and the Loch Ness monster.

Johnny Monkey can french in any language.

Rubik’s cube was a gift to Rubik from Johnny Monkey.

When Johnny Monkey met an alien, the alien asked Johnny Monkey to probe him…

 

 

 

Don't forget to keep eating your vegetables...

RSS
Blog Categories

This website is powered by Spruz