FEATURED
Weekly Grumble with IHM 9/6
Category: FEATURED

 

  Hello folks, and welcome to this week’s grumble with IHM. Just got done going over the damage outside from the storms last night… had a big branch fall on the garage (luckily the roof is still intact), and another one fall in the driveway about three inches away from the hood of my car… crazy bunch of storms with winds up to 75 MPH… and they really did blow in fast. Luckily we still have power, and nothing important was damaged! Made for one crazy night though, for sure. But with yesterday being the hottest day of the year thus far (92 degrees, and humid as hell), and fall coming in… I’m glad to see summer go. No more spending the day sitting around in ball soup!

  I really have to say that as much as I hate winter, I really can’t wait for November 5th. It has nothing to do with the weather… I’m just already tired of the insultingly stupid political ads on the airwaves here in Michigan! It particularly bothers me the way they seem to single out women… the way they use issues like abortion (which the supreme court has already ruled on, and ZERO changes are coming to), birth control (which isn’t changing any time soon, yet the leftists seem convinced that Republicans are hell bent on making illegal), and equal pay for women… even though they always neglect to mention other factors in people’s pay… like tenure, experience, and qualifications. It’s just a damn shame to see political parties, particularly the Democratic Party, treat women as though they are incapable of making an informed decision and targeting them as though they will vote based on their feelings alone. Just stick to the issues that actually matter, not the fluff issues that ultimately don’t matter, and that do nothing for 80% of the country… like gay marriage for example. You think anybody is doing anything about that anytime soon? Hell no… the leftists need that issue to remain in play so they can continually use it as a chip against the right. Yet, when it comes to taxes, employment, government waste… the shit that the government should ACTUALLY be involved in, not a peep from their side. This is why I vote Republican or more so Independent/Third Party… they seem more apt to stick to the issues and at least make an attempt to affect change in policies that clearly aren’t working. Either way, I can’t wait til these trash political ads are off the airwaves for another two years.

  The big story of the week has been the Cincinnati Bengals giving a practice squad spot to Devon Still, a 2012 second round pick out of Penn State who has underperformed in his two years in the NFL and was edged out for the #4 DT spot on the team. The important thing about this story is the fact that Still’s daughter was diagnosed with cancer on July 2nd, and the Bengals adding him to their practice squad helps Still by providing his daughter with insurance for her treatments and keeps him in Ohio (his daughter is currently in a hospital near Philadelphia) much closer to her. The $6,800 a week practice squad check doesn’t hurt, either! The cynic in me immediately thought that the classy thing would have been to do this and not advertise it… but it is Still spreading the word about the team’s good deed, not the Bengal PR team. They were more than willing to keep this on the down low. Great to see this kind of story in a world where it seems like no matter what kind of news you’re looking at… world news, local news, sports news, there is nothing but bad news coming at you.

  Sad news in the world of baseball as Rangers manager Ron Washington resigned yesterday, citing “personal issues”. Rangers GM John Daniels has insisted that the resignation is not “drug related” or health related. He was offered a leave of absence, but declined in the best interests of the team.

  The biggest story of the week, of course, was The Fappening… the hacking of nude pictures of celebrities, many, many celebrities, off of their cell phones. Now, earlier in the year, the big issue was NSA, FBI, CIA spying on American citizens… under the guise of “national security”… but now that celebrities are involved, the FBI is ready to investigate. The sports connection to the story, of course, is the fact that Kate Upton was amongst the celebrities hacked… and evidently had many photos of herself and boyfriend Justin Verlander in varied states of undress. Justin Verlander is said to be “embarrassed” by this. My take… why be embarrassed by the fact that there is a photo of you bare assed with Kate Upton? If anything, that makes you a fucking legend! I’d be much, much more embarrassed by the fact that you’re a $25 million dollar a year pitcher with an ERA of 4.80. Be embarrassed by your performance, not by the fact that you’re frolicking around nude with freaking Kate Upton!

  As for the Fappening as a whole… maybe don’t take nude pictures of yourself if you don’t want there to be any chance of them being leaked to the public. Just a thought.

  Now that we have a full weekend of football on tap, college today and pro tomorrow (as well as a Monday night double-header), I can officially be happy that Fall is here. I’ll probably be inhabiting the couch for the majority of the weekend, especially with Michigan State traveling to Eugene, Oregon to play the Ducks tonight… that should be one hell of a ballgame. As for the Lions, I’ll have to wait for Monday night to see their season debut against the Giants. Speaking of Giants… the San Francisco Giants are in town for a three game set with the Tigers… let’s hope the Tigers can take at least one game this time around after the embarrassment that was that 2012 World Series sweep.

  Hope you all enjoy your weekend of football (and baseball… that’s still going on, too!) Thanks as always for reading, and for any comments you leave on the way out. Have a great weekend, Gabbers.

Sports Friday with Hal: NFL Week One
Category: FEATURED
Tags: NFL Football Picks

Happy Friday!

 

No time to waste with the NFL kicking off Thursday night and stealing too much of my attention. Early risers can tune to http://www.940winz.com/main.html or the IHeartRadio app to catch yours truly representing Patriots Nation on Miami’s Sports Animal WINZ’s Defo & Goldie morning show. I should be on around 7:15AM. If you miss it you can always download the podcast later in the day here: http://www.940winz.com/media/podcast-show-podcasts-click-to-listen-defoshowpodcasts/

 

OK, enough self-promoting (for now!)...on to the NFL picks:

 

Packers at Seahawks (Thursday night)

 

Hal B.'s take: The Seahawks have been dominant at home the last five years and the Packers’ offense is going to have to overcome the crowd noise to have a chance to stay in the game. Unveiling a championship banner tends to rile a crowd up even more so. Add in primetime and it will be LOUD. Having Aaron Rodgers, Jordy Nelson and Eddie Lacy helps, but the Packer defense is going to decide the game. I expect Green Bay to score more than expected, but not enough to win

 

Hal B.'s pick: Seahawks 27, Packers 24.

 

Saints at Falcons

 

Hal B.'s take: The Saints have the talent to win the NFC South, but Atlanta is not as bad as they looked last season (though they are not great). Usually the smart bet is to bet on New Orleans only inside, so the Georgia Dome should be Dome Sweet Dome for Drew Brees and his explosive offense. The Saints running game will be the surprise star of the game, though Matt Ryan should find Julio Jones a few times against the Saints’ secondary.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Saints 31, Falcons 27.

 

Vikings at Rams

 

Hal B.'s take: Shaun Hill is going to surprise a lot of people: he is not going to step in and lead St. Louis to the playoffs. The Rams had issues on offense BEFORE they lost their starting quarterback Sam Bradford. Their defense is legitimate but Tavon Austin needs someone to feed him the ball. Matt Cassel is a seat-warmer as quarterback in Minnesota, but he is better than Hill.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Vikings 20, Rams 16

 

Browns at Steelers

 

Hal B.'s take: The Steelers are preparing to see both Brian Hoyer and Johnny Manziel on Sunday. The Browns would be smart to leave Johnny Cleveland on the bench and let Hoyer do his thing. The feared Steelers defense is not what it used to be and the offense took some hits again this offseason. Cleveland’s defense is better than many realize.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Browns 20, Steelers 10

 

Jaguars at Eagles

 

Hal B.'s take: The Jaguars have taken a bigger step forward on defense this offseason than most people realize, and they won’t be pushovers anymore. But Philadelphia will be a tough match-up with the high-speed offense and running back LeSean McCoy--who should have been taken first overall in EVERY fantasy football draft this year. The Jags need to get Blake Bortles behind center (I say by week five he is running the show) and with him on the bench the Eagles will take this one.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Eagles 28, Jaguars 23.

 

Raiders at Jets

 

Hal B.'s take: The Raiders--unlike the Jaguars--made the right call by starting rookie Derek Carr at quarterback. With no cornerbacks to cover anyone he should find his debut as his easiest matchup as a rookie. Really, the Jets cornerback situation is so bad that Carr should hit on some big plays in his first NFL game. The Jets went from the best cornerback duo in football in Darrelle Revis and Antonio Cromartie to...well, to a bunch of unproven, untalented underachievers. This is the Jets get head coach Rex Ryan fired. Eric Decker is not a number one receiver and Geno Smith is terrible.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Raiders 27, Jets 10.

 

Bengals at Ravens

 

Hal B.'s take: All the offseason talk has been about Andy Dalton and the ridiculous amount of money he is being paid, but the Baltimore defense needs some love. The Ravens have quietly improved and should be back near the top of the AFC North. Cincinnati’s defense is nothing to sneeze at, but the Ravens added Steve Smith to the offense to finally replace the toughness they lost when they inexplicably traded away Anquan Boldin to San Francisco. This is a key battle for the division, so expect the Ravens to take it at home.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Ravens 20, Bengals 17.

 

Bills at Bears

 

Hal B.'s take: In Marc Trestman’s second year as head coach of the Bears they could have one of the most explosive offenses in team history. Adding Santonio Holmes to the Alshon Jeffery/Brandon Marshall duo at wide receiver seems almost unfair with Holmes looking healthy and explosive again. The Bills...well, they are planning their top-five draft pick for next year.  

 

Hal B.'s pick: Bears 31, Bills 13.

 

Washington at Texans

 

Hal B.'s take: J.J. Watt and Jadeveon Clowney will be chasing Robert Griffin III all over the field, but when they do not catch him who stops DeSean Jackson? The Texans still have holes on defense and at quarterback. If Arian Foster stays healthy it could help, but has DeAndre Hopkins passed Andre Johnson as top target? I say yes. Don’t sleep on running back Alfred Morris in Washington as he should show why in week one.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Washington 24, Texans 17

 

Titans at Chiefs

 

Hal B.'s take: I think the Chiefs will take a step backward this season after their surprise run to start the season, but they are tough at Arrowhead. Alex Smith may be overpaid, but he is good enough to beat Tennessee. The Titans should improve this year but they are scaring nobody.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Chiefs 24, Titans 13.

 

Patriots at Dolphins

 

Hal B.'s take: Time for the self-promotion: Check out my previews here at Cover32 (http://cover32.com/patriots/2014/09/04/preview-new-england-patriots-vs-miami-dolphins/) and here at Musketfire (http://musketfire.com/2014/09/04/new-england-patriots-first-look-5-key-matchups-vs-miami-dolphins-week-one/) for my take on the game.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Patriots 27, Dolphins 17.

 

Panthers at Buccaneers

 

Hal B.'s take: Carolina got significantly worse on offense this offseason and now quarterback Cam Newton is questionable with his cracked ribs? Ouch. Tampa Bay got better on offense just having Doug Martin back. The defense is different (not sure about better) with Lovie Smith bringing in his Tampa Two Defense. I should call this a tie but figure someone will kick a field goal in overtime.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Buccaneers 16, Panthers 13.

 

49ers at Cowboys

 

Hal B.'s take: The Cowboys’ offense can score 35 points a game with ease. With running back DeMarco Murray running behind a good offensive line and a potent passing attack they are fun to watch on offense. Of course, the defense just plain stinks. The 49ers are due for regression on offense if only because I drafted Colin Kaepernick in multiple fantasy football leagues. The defense was already going to be worse with the absence of NaVorro Bowman and Aldon Smith at the start of the season. This could be a fun shootout!

 

Hal B.'s pick: Cowboys 35, 49ers 34.

 

Colts at Broncos (Sunday night)

 

Hal B.'s take: The Broncos’ offense has so many weapons. The Colts’ defense is mediocre. Many points will be scored.  Indianapolis won’t be able to keep up.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Broncos 44, Colts 30.

 

Giants at Lions (Monday night)

 

Hal B.'s take: Speaking of Mannings and shootouts: Eli Manning may be able to take advantage of Detroit’s cornerback situation, but Matthew Stafford should be able to match them with so many weapons on offense. Expect the Lions to win a high-scoring game.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Lions 38, Giants 31.

 

Chargers at Cardinals (Monday night)

 

Hal B.'s take: Arizona is in a tough division and needs to win as often as possible to keep pace. The Chargers were a playoff team last year and quarterback Philip Rivers is one of the most underrated signal-callers in the game. Expect San Diego to just do enough to win.

 

Hal B.'s pick: Chargers 27, Cardinals 24.

 

* * *

 

OK, all--time for some football! Have a great weekend!

 
O H Thursday
Category: FEATURED
Tags: NFL Seahawks Packers Luck

  

Hello Gabbers and welcome back to another Thursday.

This is really no ordinary Thursday

With the:

 NFL regular season starting tonight

And Oldharry’s bowling league starting tonight

There is a lot of adrenalin pumping thru

(naturally occuring) in the veins.

Team Ditkah...which is actually our official team name much to the dismay of some of the left leaners in the league... will hit the lanes at 6:30 PM with an entirely new line up.

Actually it’s a new team in an old league comprised of 30 teams

The team I bowled for last year as a fill in has their bowler back from knee surgery. 

One of the other team disbanded and we pounced on the opening.

I recruited my bride and two of my sons and a friend and we are ready to go. This is my 2nd year after a 30+ year layoff so I hope to improve on my very sub par 153 average. But it’s all for fun because I pay to bowl…they don’t pay me.

 

Tonight’s NFL matchup features the defending SB champion Seattle  vs the Green Bay Packers  NFC North champs.

The Seahawks, fresh off an offseason capped by $300,000  in fines for having a contact practice or two during mini camp…word on the street is that a player who was cut from the team blew the whistle once out from under the cone of silence.

The Seahawks are trying to do what most SB champions find impossible and that is repeat as Champs. The Broncos did it at the end of the ‘90’s and the Pats won in ’03 & ’04 but The Seahawks have a load of competition in there own division let alone the entire NFC. Repeating will be no easy task.

The Packers are coming of an 8-7-1 season in which they played significant time without Aaron Rodgers. The Pack has talent on both sides of the ball and wont be a pushover for the Hawks here on opening day The Packers were one of my final four picks but I will go with Seattle in this matchup, Persey Harvin scores two spectacular TD’s in a 24-21 win. Pete Carroll hugs each member of his defense after a last minute stand except Richard Sherman who is in Rodgers face saying "you mad bro?"

Harvin has a duel roll this season as in addition to playing for Seattle he will toil for the Gab league team known as “Natural grass and bad weather” 

Coached by the old salt know as oldharry he should fit right in with the WR loaded offense featuring Calvin Johnson, Corderrelle Patterson and others.

Andrew Luck was the choice at QB as we decided that with that defense, Indianapolis will have to pass to stay in any game this season. Hence, Luck should be passing for 4500-5000 yards.

We don’t brag or trash talk much in fantasy football around these parts and we gabbers are looking forward to a great season. We open against Beeze this weekend and are looking forward to displaying our air game.

The long rumored trade of Ryan Mallet to the Houston Texans (sorry for being offensive to the other 49)

went thru, It had been said that BB was looking for a 3rd rounder for Mallett but taking a conditional 7th in 2016 means BB was willing to take anything for his now 3rd string QB. Mallett will be reunited with former coach Billy O'Brien and will probably get a chance to start a few before he becomes a free agent at the end of the season. BB didn't want to cut Mallet because he was sure that Rex Ryan was waiting to snag Mallett and tie him to the comfy chair and make him confess.

 

That’s all I have, long weekend means short week and to quote an old time poet Robert Frost (pic)

I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep...

Deep Thoughts 9-3-2014
Category: FEATURED
Tags: Dallas Cowboys Texas Longhorns Fantasy Football Tom Brady retiring Fighting Fatbergs

 

 

 

 

Hello and welcome to another Wednesday of deep thoughts.  I hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend…it was a really pleasant weekend around our house. Now that the calendar says it is September, it is impossible for me not to give into the tug of football season. High school and college football kicked off last week and the NFL begins the season on Thursday night this week. I don’t know about you, but I really dislike Thursday night NFL football. I guess I am showing my age, but the NFL is for Sunday, not Thursday. It is pretty clear what the NFL is trying to do with expanding their schedule and it sucks. I know that BOB and others have been pretty vocal in their criticism of the direction of the NFL and frankly…I have to agree. If I did not enjoy the game so much, I would find something else to do with my Sunday afternoons.  The good thing about playing fantasy football is that it does not suck so much to be a Cowboy fan. As I think back, I just realized that I began to play fantasy sports in the late 90s…about the same time that the Cowboys began their decline. Oh…they have had some success, but you know what I mean. But hey…I am not taking the blame for where the Cowboys are; I think we all know who is to blame for the recent lack of success in Dallas. For the record I don’t think you can go wrong with drafting Romo, Dez and other Cowboy offensive players.  As bad as the Cowboy defense will be this year, they are going to throwing the ball, a bunch.

While this may indeed be a long season for Dallas Cowboy fans, I saw something last Saturday that portends well for the fans of Longhorn football. Charlie Strong has the Longhorns playing defense again. Okay, it was against North Texas…but last year, the Mean Green would have scored a couple of TDs and probably had a couple of hundred yards of offense. This year, North Texas gained a total of 94 yards, with a total of 3 completed passes…3 for the entire game. That is not totally accurate I guess, as 4 passes were completed to Longhorn defenders. The thing that most impressed me was the sure tackling of the Texas defense. After watching a different running back or QB run through the Horn defense last year, it was refreshing to see such great tackling. How can a team improve their tackling so much from one year to another? Did they change their personnel? Some, but the reason I think that the tacking is so much better is because Texas practices tackling. In this age of passing, many teams simply do not value time spent taking players to the ground. Seriously…I watched the entire game and the review of the game and I did not see one missed tackle. Obviously, whatever Coach Strong and his coaches are doing with the defense is working. If you have a chance to watch the Horns play this year, check out Jordan Hicks...damn.

The bad news is that the Horns lost QB David Ash to another concussion. That is three concussions in less than one year. I truly feel for the kid as he is a pretty damn good QB. But, football is a contact game and at some point, he must consider the rest of his life. The other piece of bad news was a broken ankle suffered by senior center Dom Espinosa. This is huge loss for Texas as Espinosa was the leader of the Horn’s OL. But, as they say…it is next man up. The next man up under center is sophomore Tyrone Swoopes. While losing the experience and poise of Ash will hurt, it will not like Case McCoy will be playing next Saturday.  Swoopes will get the start and I suspect that Texas will feature a steady dose of Malcom Brown and Jonathan Gray. The Texas offense is not flashy, but defenses will not enjoy the experience. Given that next Saturday’s opponent is BYU, a strong running game would be very poetic justice. If you remember last year’s game…the Cougars ran all over Texas. I forget how many rushing yards they had, but it was more than 500. My guess is that this game will not be a runaway. Texas may win, but with a redshirt freshman snapping the ball to a sophomore QB starting his first game…I will say this, there will be a true freshman standing on the sideline that bears a very striking resemblance to one VY. His senior year, he rushed for over 2000 yards with 27 TDs, with another 22 TDs through the air. Swoopes will be given his chance, but don’t be surprised if Heard does not see the field in the next few games. Check out the video below to see what I mean:

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 It is amazing the difference that a year makes. This time last year, many at the Gab and elsewhere were commenting that Peyton Manning was done and should retire. Do you remember the talk about his neck surgery? This year, I would bet he was drafted in the first round in almost every fantasy draft. The "experts" figure that Manning cannot duplicate the great numbers of last year, and they may be right. The Broncos fixed much of what was wrong with their defense last year.So, Manning may not need to be prolific to win games. I would not be at all surprised if Montee Ball is the guy with the great numbers this year.

 Last year, I was sure that the 49er defense was going to be studly…this year;  I am not so sure.

I watched them drafted as the second defense, in draft after draft. Bowman is out; Aldon Smith is out for most of the year. I just don’t get it. I don’t know think that Dallas will beat San Francisco in week one, but I bet it is a high scoring game. The great thing about a new season is there are so many unanswered questions.

No matter how great the player, the truth is that one day their career will be over. Peyton Manning has admitted that he is in the final phase of his career. Tom Brady is not much behind, so I guess it is only natural that the retirement question would begin to be used with Brady. There is much to like about Tom Brady. What I have always liked about Brady is how direct he is. A reporter asked him this week when he planned to retire. Brady’s reply was perfect…when I suck. He went on to say that he does not plan to suck anytime soon. It is reported that the response caused Coach Bill to smile, but there no witnesses have been located. Damn, but I am happy it is football season again…

 


 

 

 

 

 

For those of you that think that baseball games are too long…I have a story for you. Last week, there was a 50 inning game in Japan that lasted 4 days. While that in and of itself is crazy, what really grabbed me was that only two pitchers pitched in the game. Taiga Matsui threw 709 pitches and gave up 26 hits. Jukiya Ishioka threw 689 pitches and allowed 22 hits, but allowed three runs and took the loss. They use a rubber ball; so supposedly, this is easier on their arm…yeah, right. Here is the link of the full story:

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/2182621-chukyo-defeats-sotoku-in-50-inning-national-high-school-rubber-baseball-game

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever heard of a fatberg? I had not either. Hold onto your lunch, but a fatberg is what you get when you mix cooking oil and wet wipes. Apparently, when you pour warm grease down the sink, it adheres to the pipes and the wet wipes adhere to the grease…and then you have a fatberg. To give you an idea just how large these gross blobs are, one London sewer expert used a 747 as a comparison. The cleaning crew used high powered hot water to break up the fatbergs. So, when you are having a bad day, just think…you could be the guy fighting the fatberg.


 

That is all I have today, but I will leave you with a bit of Jack Handey.

 

"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?" "And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep."

 

"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. "

 

 

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to leave a few deep thoughts of your own...

 

 

 

Tuesday's Tantrum, 9/2/14
Category: FEATURED

Hello folks.  My name is Uncle B.O.B., and I am an ESPiN-a-holic.  I have been sober for eight days now (August 26th was my last visit there).  Some say that the following comments are “just plain stupid”.  Well friends, you’re right, and it’s done for effect to point out the lunacy.  So sit back, relax, and watch Uncle B.O.B. “FIGHT THE POWER”...

Protest.  I have seen the light that those courageous few who are so much smarter than the rest of us have been trying to tell us mere mortals and I am now on a mission, though not from God (I won't blaspheme).  Today, I honor Phil Simms, Tony Dungy, Keith Olbermann, and others in the media who stand up for all of us to fight the oppression of a nickname.  I stand before you today Gabbers in full support of those folks, but I’m going to challenge them to take it one step further - standing up for what I believe is right – to reaffirm what I said a few months ago:  I am here today to publicly announce to the Sports World that I am offended by EVERY team nickname.  Therefore effective immediately, I will boycott the use of nicknames when I refer to ANY team of ANY sport. 

Those of you who fight to retain the Washington Football Franchise Nickname are full of “filthy mouths and bad attitudes.”  That’s right Gabbers, I have seen the light and can no longer be associated with that.  In all good conscience, I can no longer sit here and subject you good to these vile nicknames that are disrespectful of so many in our society.  I challenge you Gabbers, it is time to clean it up and for us to take a stand and be an example for others to emulate – join me and stop this national disgrace of offending everybody and hurting so many feelings.  We know that these names are so deeply offensive that people just can’t perform their job descriptions on a daily basis. 

So you all get wise and come to the light.  Join me my friends in ushering in a new era – one of joy and respect – HALLE-FREAKING-LU-YAH!!!  Please Gabbers, refer to teams by their city name only, and here’s why: 

Patriots:  Offensive to liberals.  How dare we honor the founding fathers. 

Jets:  Offensive to the movie “Top Gun”, anybody who likes Football on the field, and those who tire of a sorry team always yappin.  Also offensive to the military:  at least their Jets work and do their job.  Also offensive to the EPA because they use Jet Fuel which is somehow screwing with carbon emissions.

Bills:  Offensive to anybody who has to pay bills, buy stuff, and pay tips.  We shouldn’t have to pay bills.  We should get everything for free, right?  Where’s my free phone (I pay a lot monthly for something I hardly use), and why should I pay taxes?  50% of the country doesn’t.  Oh, and as for tips, if a person who gets tips makes more than I do just on minimum wage ($15 per hour), they can say goodbye to 20% tips.  Sorry Seattle and Minneapolis…

Dolphins, Bengals, Jaguars, Colts, Broncos, Eagles, Bears, Lions, Falcons, Panthers, Rams, Cardinals, Seahawks:  Offensive to PETA.  How dare anybody make money off of these beautiful creatures.  Oh, and the Dolphins get extra criticizing for having Flipper retrieve kicks out of the pool of the east end zone in the old Orange Bowl back in the day.  By the way, where is PETA’s outrage at Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, and that new movie about A Dolphin Tail?  And what about going after the Alligator Wrestlers in Florida, huh?

Browns:  Offensive to anybody of any other color.  Could you imagine the Greenwich Whites?  Yeah, I know the team was named after Paul Brown, but dammit that shouldn’t stop us from going after this offensive nickname because just one dumbass could construe “Browns” as a racial slur, no matter that they’re violating common sense and only doing it for their 15 minutes of fame and fortune.  Lawyers are lining up boys, have at it…

Steelers:  Ruined the environment with all that pollution.  Rat bastards.

Titans/Giants:  Offensive to little people (that is the correct PC term, right?). 

Texans:  Why should one state be singled out, even if it is Texas - that’s not fair to the other 49. 

Chargers:  “SAN DIEGO, I WANT A REACTION…SHOW ME YOUR LIGHTNING BOLT!!!”  Oh wait, we can’t use Hacksaw Hamilton’s famous line, it could be construed as a sexist remark – plus Hacksaw has a cheesy mustache and has said offensive stuff on the radio.  Besides, one of my eco-friends has something she wants to say:

Chiefs/Redskins:  Offensive to Native Americans.  Hey, if Sioux and Redskins gotta go, Chiefs absolutely has to go. 

Raiders/Buccaneers:  Glorifies bad behavior.  This is the 21st Century, you damn pirates can’t be running around singing “Yo Hoe Yo Hoe, a pirates life for me!”  Don’t you know that hoe is a derogatory term for Women?  You damn sure can’t be honoring a group of people who were known to rape, loot, plunder, and oh yeah, get the booty!  Besides, Raidah fan is offensive to everybody outside of Philly…

Cowboys:  Offensive to urban yuppie hipster folk and the cool kids of the DC/NYC/LA party circuit.  Besides, how dare Cowboys mock NYC.  Oh, and the botox-infested owner hanging all over hookers (err, strippers) 55 years younger than him is offensive too.  Where are the NOW crowd to complain about this abomination?  Women unite and stop this abuse of women! 

Packers:  This one should be obvious and decorum prevents me from going further.

Vikings:  Offensive to peace lovers and hippies.  Vikings were such vile people, oh and they brought us Lutefish, so that alone…

Saints:  Offensive to atheists.  There will be no honoring religion in any way in America .

49ers:  Offensive to me right now, freaking criminals.  Besides that, If we can’t have a team named 69ers, then dammit I don’t want to see any other numbers out there!

While I’m at it, I am offended by Faith Hill and Carrie Underwood doing the opening to SNF – why can’t we get a different choice of music each week?  NBC must be a bunch of freaking rednecks to keep choosing country.  Why are you discriminating against the youth and their “music” NBC?  For that matter, why are you not putting on Lawrence Welk?  You got something against old folks and champagne music and polka?  Are you anti-Polish?  You should be sued you discriminatory pricks!

I’m also offended by Bob Costas preaching his beliefs to us (I don’t need a sermon at halftime, so stop preaching – that’s a violation of my right not to hear churchin’), I’m offended by Chris Berman’s rug on top of his head, Warren Sapp, Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders acting ignorant on NFL Network, and the NFL trying to squeeze more money out of everybody – isn’t that where the liberals are supposed to go after them?  Come to think of it, why aren’t those in power going after them for more in taxes?  Hell liberals, they make $9,000,000,000!!!  Go getcha some of that!!!  No?  Why?

What?  I’m a douche?  Yeah, OK, whatever.  It was all done with tongue firmly implanted in cheek. 

So let me be serious for a quick second - I watch Football to get away from all the BS garbage being laid out in this 24/7 news cycle society.  Again, when I hear from a majority of American Indian Tribes that they are offended by it, then I’m more than willing to listen – I WILL NOT LISTEN TO TAKES SPEWED BY THE DC/NYC/LA COCK-tail party circuit or those who are supposed to call the game.  Screw you, I only want to hear about a freaking game, I do not want to be lectured to and with each passing lecture and report, you are driving me and folks like me further and further away.    

Douchebag of the Week.  I gotta go with the PC Crowd this week.  The NFL might stand for No Fun League, but these jackasses could take the fun away from ants at a picnic.  Just seems to me that the only thing they live for is to be butt-hurt by something and to shake somebody down because of it.

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