Tool Of The Week
Tool of the Week Nominations 2/1/12 Tags: Tool of the Week

Time again for you Gabber's to give some thought to who it is that's deserving to be the TOTW. Leave your nomination below for consideration!

TOTW - Costly Fumbles and Missed FG's Tags: Billy Cundiff Kyle Williams Tool of the Week

When a lot of us were growing up and playing in organized and high school sports many of us started out by playing pick-up games in our driveways, for me it was hockey and like my friends we wore the jerseys of our heroes and emulated what they did on the ice. I think it’s safe to say that any pro athlete probably at one time or another had a ball in their grasp and ran in out of defenders while narrating to themselves that it was 3rd down with the game tied and the clock winding down with just  a few seconds on the clock and their target was an end zone to win the Super Bowl, or at bat there were 2 outs, bases loaded and their team down by 3 in the ninth. Having relived this scenario over and over a select few found themselves in this situation only now with a professional team.

Billy Cundiff and Kyle Williams I’m sure had visions of winning the big one, just waiting when their number was called and suddenly it was time to live that scenario in real life. For Billy Cundiff, a place kicker for the Baltimore Ravens was asked to do something that for most from 32 yards was something he clearly exceeded during pre-game warm-ups but coach Harbaugh didn’t want to take the chance of putting Cundiff in a long FG situation so Joe Flacco moved the ball down field putting Cundiff in a virtual gimme FG from 32 yards away to send the game into OT. What did Cundiff do, he missed wide right, and when I say WIDE I mean he wasn’t even remotely close, he missed it miserably. Some blame Lee Evans for no catching that pass in the end zone while in coverage to simply end the game, but the video clearly showed the ball was stripped no sooner than it went into his grasp and he did not get his second foot down. So Cudiff, vying for the tie wasn’t able to deliver by doing the one job he was paid to do and paid handsomely to boot (no pun intended).  

As I’ve said in previous comments this week, watching HBO Hard Knocks over the last few seasons the place kickers are only considered second class citizens, not required to study play books, they spend a minimum time in the weight room and during games they wait and wait for the chance to kick an extra point or a FG from as much as 50 yards. At 32 yards this was a no brainer or as so the entire planet had thought. He later claimed of chaos on the sidelines when the scoreboard had shown it was third down and when going into kick the FG he said the chaos was still making them hurry. If this was his only excuse it’s not really an excuse being he only had to call a timeout, Belichick saw this chaos and like most great coaches who ice kickers he felt that this very chaos was best left for the Ravens to deal with and they stood pat. The snap was good, the ball threads were rotated and the next thing you know it was so wide left it became a sideline souvenir!

Kyle Williams, who most feel deserves the tag team nod for this week’s Gold Plunger, I hear you and for his inability to carry a football on a professional level to keep it from being yanked away in the same fashion a homeless person would yank away a loaf of day old French bread, I have no problem whatsoever to give him the honorable mention here. But in the grand scheme of things Cundiff blew the low percentage boot, Williams was stripped by his inability to remember the basic fundamentals on tucking the ball to his chest, not juggling it from hand to hand as he tried to avoid the defense from bringing him down and trying to get the ball out o his hands late in the game.

Both of these guys cost their teams big, and in the locker room the politically correct statements were flying around on how it was a team loss, but the facial expressions on the sidelines for both the Ravens and the 49ers not to mention their fandom were worth a 1,000 words…What they said in front of a microphone I'm sure was not was said when they spoke to each other in small groups...with the game close to being in the bag for the 49ers I find it tough to believe they're all fine with carrying around the label of a team loss.

The Gab is sending Stickum to Williams to aid him in keeping the ball in his hands and Cundiff wll be getting a GPS used on measuring the distance for drives and shots on the golf course, this just might help with him lining up shots from here on out when he finds himself in the CFL kicking FG’s and kickoffs for the Toronto Argonauts or one of those other Canadian teams that tend to fill their rosters with the NFL’s has-beens!

TOTW Nominations 1/23/12 Tags: TOTW Nominations

Okay, TOTW nomination time Gabber's...but honestly I'm really going through the motions here. I smell another  Dynamic Duo split! Whaddaya think?

TOTW - The Captain and the Pharmacist Tags: TOTW Captain Schettino pharmacist



I don’t think there’s much argument who the TOTW is this week, not when this particular Tool forgot the very first rule of captaining a boat and that is, the captain goes down with the ship…or as Bill Maher said Friday night, “I’m not saying the guy should have gone down with the ship, but he at least should have gotten wet”!!! Yeah Bill, you’re right. Instead he tripped and fell into a life boat…how convenient.

There are a lot of things wrong with this story, like what the hell Captain Francesco Schettino was thinking  when he moved the 1,000 foot ship so close to the coast of the island of Giglio, Italy? The story we’ve heard was he was bringing it in closer for crew member’s to wave to friends and family…that makes it right, let’s risk over 4,200 lives because we want to show off. And he also claims that the rocks that tore a tennis court size hole in the hull of the ship weren’t on his charts. That comment is coming back to bite him in the ass, because not only have they been shown on charts, CNN put up a satellite photo that clearly showed these same rocks. I’m no expert but if you can see rocks from space I’m willing to bet you can see them from the bridge of a cruise ship.

It’s not going to matter what defense Schettino uses, his actions of leaving the bridge and having to be ordered back to the crippled vessel by a coast guard official where Schettino’s ire was drawn because he wasn’t being called CAPTAIN, demonstrate just how much this guy should probably never have been at the helm of this ship to begin with. He broke virtually every rule of seamanship and these actions are going to bring numerous lawsuits on Carnival and undoubtedly a long jail sentence for our newly crowned TOOL OF THE WEEK!


The Tag Team partner for our TOTW is my former roommate who just so happens to be trying to push my buttons. He thinks he’s a really creative smart ass too, like by signing up for the Gab twice in less than 45 minutes under 2 different accounts and placing comments in a few blogs. What made it easy to know it was him was we’re able to tell where it is people signup from, we see IP addresses and that IP address is now locked from joining. Let me tell you a few things about this loser, I think you all are probably going to think most of this is untrue but it is balls-on accurate.

One night we’re drinking a couple of beers and he says, I’d probably need to drink at least another six pack before I’d normally tell anyone this, but I haven’t been laid in a really long time. Let me make one thing clear, I NEVER ASKED, he just tossed that out there. It turns out that a really long time is over 10 years and this includes paying for it. This guy is such a loser he actually went into Barnes and Noble and purchased those “How to Pick Up Women” books, he has 3-4 in plain view in the living room. Imagine the looks that got him at the checkout line. His nephew who used to live with him and is about 15 years his junior was one of three friends he had including me and this other tool from NY, but in less than two months all three of us stopped having any association with him whatsoever. His nephew wants nothing to do with him, and the other guy reported him to the Dallas Ga. PD for sending him text messages stating he was going to shoot the black neighbor if he even so much as stepped in his yard – that was over a barking dog originally…that made its way around his neighborhood in record time.  

When he isn’t sleeping for 18 hours straight he’s up playing with his 3 birds. He has birds because they’re the only living thing that can tolerate this social moron’s existence. He paid about a grand each for two in about a month’s time but they both came to quick demises. He flicked the head of one because he said it nipped him, it fell to the bottom of the cage and seized out and died, he cried like a bitch over it, then he replaced that one and kept it in his bed when he slept, yeah he slept with the bird. Bird shit on the pillows, on his clothes, his sheets…really nice eh? This lasted a week or so until he tells me he rolled over on top if and squished it. I was so stunned, we all know birds to be like other household pets that normally sleep on the foot of the bed, right? Idiot!

This is the kind of guy that if you went to a party and there were 50 people there and you found yourself talking to him you’d be looking for a way to get to the other side of the room in a hurry and dodging him the rest of the night. To say he has the personality of a lima bean would be understating this.

Now to my favorite story; I came back to the house on Halloween night, he’s standing there with a bandana on his head and a bird on his shoulder trying to appear pirate-like while one of the pharmacy techs and her husband are sitting on the couch, I go upstairs to catch the hockey game. A short time later they leave and he comes upstairs and says “had a nice time hanging with Marie and her husband”…I say that’s fine and try to pay attention to the game and I had my back towards him and then he starts in with this – “so Marie asks me if I keep the bird on my shoulder the whole time I’m home and I told her sure, I walk around with him, watch TV with him, I even keep him on my shoulder while I’m on the computer”! He keeps rambling on and then he tells me that in front of her husband he said “ I even let him sit there while I jerk off” (he’s the only person I know of that has actually purchased access to porn sites on the web, he even had his credit card frozen when he joined one after I moved in)…now he’s got my attention. I turned around, looked him right in the face and asked “DID YOU REALLY SAY THAT IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND”? His response was “sure, what’s the big deal”? (this guy wonders why he hasn’t been laid in over 10 years, Jesus) I say “Geez dude, there’s so many things wrong with that, but here’s just a couple; you work with this gal, she’s a woman, there’s about 6 women that work in the pharmacy with her and woman talk, he tells me she won’t say anything. BWAHAHAHAHA…this gem must have been from his vast experience with woman, ya think? I followed that with, “ and just because everyone does it, doesn’t mean you should be going around broadcasting it to everyone, especially people you work with, or saying it to a woman with her husband right there, I don't think he appreciated that too much”. Embarrassing for them? How would he know, the guy is a fucking mental moron.

Now I ask all of you since he seemed to think that I made more of a deal out of this than was necessary, who was right here? Was I right to point out that this would have probably been a little more information than anyone needed to know, particularly a woman who he works with, or do you think it was more than okay for her and her husband to made privy into his world where he and his left hand are intimate? I’m just asking. Keep in mind this guy fills prescriptions in a pharmacy that’s in a large retail store. Like I said, the guy is a social moron.

So there you have a glimpse into the life of one lonely, friendless, womanless douche bag. For any of you that saw my recent Facebook status this isn’t my response to my buttons being pushed, that response is one he’s never going to forget. Maybe if he had taken my advice to back off he wouldn’t find himself in the world of shit he’s in and he also wouldn’t be sharing Tool of the Week with the skipper of the Minnow!

Tool of the Week Nominations 1/16 Tags: TOTW

It's time again to nominate a TOTW...who makes the short list?

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