YouGabSports Blogs
Turkey Bowl 2014
Category: Daily Blog 2.0
Tags: LeBron James Jameis Winston NFL NBA MLB Richard Sherman Alex Rodriguez Kobe

  Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the long awaited return of the YouGabSports Turkey Bowl, presented by IHateMillen. This year, we’ve assembled 32 of the biggest douchebags, assholes, jerks, and just all around jokes in the world of sports here at beautiful JerryWorld, home of the world’s biggest jumbo-tron and ego. As part of this agreement, Jerry Jones will not be a part of this year’s 32-man tournament, and we get to use the facilities for free! Best yet, all members of the major sports media, ESPiN, FOX, CBS, and NBC, have been banned from entry here.

  Before we begin the night’s festivities, let us take a moment to honor America. Tonight’s flag bearers are the Gab’s very own proud veterans: ScottJax, B.O.B., and OlHarry, who is accompanied by his Marine daughter. Thank you all for your service to this country:

 

  Tonight’s first bout is scheduled for one fall. As is the case with every Turkey Bowl fight, there are no rules, no regulations, and the fight goes until one fighter can no longer continue. Starting the evening off is a Turkey Bowl winner in Alex Rodriguez, as he faces baseball’s young upstart douchebag Yasiel Puig. Puig has done some pretty stupid things in his limited time in the Biggs… but he’s nowhere near dry humping himself in the mirror status just yet.

  Well ladies and gentlemen this is what we’ve been waiting for. Puig is a young man with impressive power and all five tools. He faces a man once thought to be baseball’s next big thing in Alex Rodriguez, who has been dogged by rumors and just finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs all this time. Of course, he waited until after the ink was dried on his contract extension to do so!

   As the bell rings, Rodriguez makes the fight’s first move, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. Puig is a bit surprised by this move, waiting to see what his opponent will do next. Rodriguez pulls out a wad of cash, more American dollars than his opponent has ever seen, seeming to say there’s more where that came from. With all the well-documented legal battles Puig is involved in stemming from his Cuban defection, you wonder if he’ll lay down for A-Rod here. Sure enough, it looks like an agreement has been reached between the two, and Rodriguez will move on to the next round. This is just the kind of thing you hate to see… what a disgrace this guy is both to the game of baseball and the death match world. Rodriguez moves on, and Puig gets to settle a few legal issues. He saves his pretty face for the fists of his next opponent.

  Up next, another former Turkey Bowl Champion takes the ring as LeBron James faces off with a man he has a sordid history with, former Pacer and current Hornet Lance Stephenson. LeBron’s douchebaggery is well documented world-wide… but what about Stephenson you ask? Well, before he was blowing in LeBron’s ear during the playoffs, Stephenson was raping classmates in high school (allegedly), and pushing women down stairs later on (allegedly). We’ll see if the young, hungry Stephenson really has what it takes to go toe to toe with Jesus Christ in a headband, LeBron James… the man who has “saved” Cleveland simply by coming home.

  As this bout begins, Stephenson seems to be on top of his game and in the head of James, who looks like he wants no part in an actual fight. Stephenson lands a few rights, now a left, and, what’s this? That Cleveland Cavs fan that burned his LeBron James jersey after “the Decision” comes running down to the ring, wearing his newly purchased LeBron Cavs jersey… and he’s going after Stephenson. LeBron takes advantage of the distraction and grabs a steel chair, scrambling what little is there of Lance Stephenson’s brains and picking up a round one win.

  Coming up next, we’ve got the highly anticipated matchup of the Sherriff Roger Goodell, who looks to cover his own ass as he takes on Ray Rice, the man he suspended indefinitely from the game he loves so very much. Roger is not the favorite of most people… but who will this crowd of feminists that has gathered at ringside side with… a man who had zero intention of pushing their agenda in Goodell, or a man who cold cocked one of their fellow ovary carriers on that Atlantic City elevator? All I know is, this is one ugly scene here at ringside… literally. All these broads, and not a looker in the bunch!

  To kick the match off, Goodell begins scolding Rice on behavior “unbecoming of an NFL player”. Rice soon tires of this act, and begins beating Goodell as if he were his fiancée. But Goodell is no dummy, he brought the NFL’s PR team to ringside with him, and he plans on using them. A distraction from a pair of lawyers gets Roger back on top, and it looks like he’s going to cruise to a win here. But wait, what the hell is this? It’s DeMaurice Smith… he puts Goodell in his patented Lockout submission maneuver! Roger has no choice, he’s got to tap, and Ray Rice moves on to our next round.

  Coming up next, two overhyped, overachievers take the ring as Johnny Manziel, backup NFL quarterback, takes on Jameis Winston, future backup NFL quarterback. Whose douchebaggery will reign supreme on this night? We’ll find out as tonight’s action continues:

  These two young men are known for avoiding the big hit, but tonight, they look to land the big hit on one another as Johnny Football takes on Jameis Winston here at Turkey Bowl 2014. Johnny and Jameis start things off by exchanging immature gestures… Johnny throws up his little money sign, while Jameis stands on the top ropes and yells “Fuck her right in the pussy” so everybody can hear what a massive douche he is. Each young man owns a Heisman Trophy, so the next few moments break down into what is nothing more than a pose-off. Johnny takes a moment to go out and talk to his celebrity entourage, which includes Justin Bieber for some strange reason. This provides Jameis with the opening he needs, as he is able to lock in a single leg Boston Crab on Manziel… Manziel has no escape, and taps out, giving the big win to Jameis Winston. Looks like the curse of Bieber strikes again!

  Next up, two of the biggest douchebags ever to meet in the first round of the Turkey Bowl extravaganza as Dick Sherman prepares to square off with Kobe Bryant. Dick made headlines many times with impressive feats of douchebaggery since the 2013 NFL playoffs… but he cuts one hell of a promo, doesn’t he? Kobe has run everyone off in LA, and is now going it alone with a virtual army of nobodies leading a terrible Lakers squad. Sherman definitely has the edge on trash talking, as he unleashes a barrage of barbs upon Kobe to begin the festivities. Kobe, never one to back down, returns fire, and the two get the fight underway. No flopping here folks, there are no NBA refs in this arena. Eventually, Dick Sherman’s youth wins out and Kobe is defeated. After the match, Sherman finds the most easily startled reporter at ringside and screams “I am the best fighter in the game, when you try me with a sorry fighter like Kobe that’s the result you gonna get”.

  With Kobe gone now we move on to our next matchup, and it’s one with a lot of bad blood involved… Ryan Braun brings his performance enhanced brand of rage into the ring against the best chemist in the game, Anthony Bosch. Bosch sold Braun out after supplying him with the goods. Unless Bosch took some of his own “medicine”, there is only one realistic outcome to this fight. Sure enough, like a walk off blast, Braun makes short work of the sellout, and moves on to round number two.

  Next up, a matchup that features a ton of swagger… Floyd Mayweather Jr. faces an opponent that will actually fight back… unlike his baby mama… Swaggy P, otherwise known as Nick Young. I’m honestly not sure why he calls himself this… or what in God’s name it means… but that is apparently the man’s chosen nickname. Much like what a drunk Nick Young claimed he’d do to Iggy’s ass on TMZ, Floyd does to Swaggy P here, using that million dollar punch to move on to the second round.

  Coming up next, we’ve got another pair of abusive pieces of shit squaring off… one likes to abuse children, the other likes to damn near kill a porn star. Adrian Peterson hits the ring to face off with MMA fighter and current inmate War Machine, who was granted special privilege to come out here in hopes that someone would beat the living hell out of him! AD gets things started when he pulls a switch out and starts to whoopin’ War Machine. Evidently AD doesn’t know when to stop, because he stops too damn soon here, and the War Machine goes on the attack. It might not be as easy as working over Christy Mack, but War Machine does just enough damage to pick up the win over Adrian Peterson. This piece of garbage moves on to our next round.

  We’re halfway through the first round of Turkey Bowl 2014, and we’ve seen some big names come and go. A-Rod, LeBron James, Ray Rice, Jameis Winston, Richard Sherman, Ryan Braun, Floyd Mayweather, and now War Machine represent the first eight to make the leap to round number two.

  Ladies and gentlemen, we are receiving word of a developing situation out in the parking lot area… we now go to a live feed out there where it appears the members of the assembled sports media, including members of the ESPiN, FOX, and NBC Sports teams are now becoming involved in some sort of altercation out there. Tempers have boiled over, and now it seems they will all have a go at one another out there. Chris Berman gets his back, back, back, back broken in at least five places as this thing really starts to turn ugly. It is fairly clear that NBC and FOX have agreed to some sort of alliance in order to get the upper hand on the “Worldwide Leader”, as now Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayliss are now out of commission. Somehow, Stephen A. Smith seems to have been castrated here… it looks like Terry Bradshaw just kicked Skip Bayliss right on the bottom jaw, causing this unfortunate disaster!

  Jalen Rose seems to have talked his way into a corner with Howie Long and Michael Strahan, as the two make quick work of his puny frame and poor grammar skills! ESPiN is in some serious trouble ladies and gents. Even the ladies are getting into the action… Erin Andrews thought it was an appropriate time to stop and talk about digestive health with her former colleague Hannah Storm… but Hannah has none of it as she uses a trident to get a firsthand look at the innards of Mrs.Andrews. After the dust settles, the ESPiN crew lays in a battered, broken pile. Stewart Scott is over in the corner holding a football he thinks is Chris Berman’s head, but otherwise the entire ESPiN noise machine has been silenced. The FOX and NBC sports teams are victorious, as they execute the before-fight promise to sacrifice that smarmy little windbag Bob Costas to their Gods (Murdoch and Burke)as tribute for victory. Now that’s what you call a win all the way around!

  Over on the other side of the parking lot, there is a suspicious looking vehicle with the windows rolled up and what looks like four men sitting inside. Our cameras zoom in to find four guys who were scheduled to fight tonight… Josh Gordon, LeGarrette Blount, LeVeon Bell, and Justin Blackmon all sitting in  there, apparently passing around a blunt! As smoke billows out of the car, the four men get out and just sort of wander off… well, it looks like a new record for this year’s Turkey Bowl… no NFL wide redivas make an appearance!

  Next up, we’ve got Sidney Crosby taking on fellow NHL douchebag Brad Marchand. We’ll see how the face of the league fares against one of the dirtiest pieces of shit, on and off the ice, in the league today. Crosby starts thing off by surprising the entire audience by actually fighting and not ducking out of the way… incredible. Marchand is no stranger to the pugilistic arts, and returns fire. Once Marchand gains the upper hand, he beats Crosby like a casino security guard, gaining the victory and then stripping down to his birthday suit while yelling “I am above the law”!

  In our next fight, we’ve got two of the biggest douchebags in all of college sports, as championship coaches square off when Nick Saban meets John Calipari. Will Calipari live up to his one-and-done reputation tonight? Saban is much better known for winning the big one, but he is also well known for being a crybaby and an asshole. Saban is on fire as we get things underway, and he looks like he’ll cruise to an easy win… but suddenly his cell phone rings. His face lights up and he quickly jots something down and runs from the ring… leading to a count out win for Calipari. Calipari picks up the note that Saban left behind and it reads “Got a better offer from Dana White, so I’m gone. You knew what this was.” Can’t say I’m surprised by the guy’s lack of morality or loyalty here… but I am surprised to see John Calipari make it to the next round!

  In the ring now, Jay Cutler prepares for his bout with the Brewers eccentric OF Carlos Gomez… a guy who has ruffled more than a few feathers in Major League Baseball with his youthful exuberance and lack of respect for the unwritten rules of the game. This Midwest showdown comes your way, right now! Cutler starts off well, landing a few glancing blows on Gomez, who seems more interested in showing off than he is in winning this fight. But, sure enough, Cutler telegraphs his next few punches and is intercepted… and Gomez takes full advantage. He’s even got time to stand there and watch his own handiwork on the jumbo screen above as he polishes off the Bears QB… Carlos Gomez makes it to round two.

  If you didn’t expect many NHL players to make this tournament, you were misled. Another all-NHL matchup comes your way now, with Patrick Kane facing off with career douchebag Matt Cooke. Cooke seems to have the edge here… his dirty tactics have drawn the ire of fans for years now. But don’t underestimate Patrick Kane… turn your back on him and he’ll drop you like a disgruntled cab driver! While Kane puts up one hell of a fight, it is Cooke who moves on to our next round after yet another douchy knee-to-knee hit to Kane, which puts him down for the count.

  If you thought the Seahawks-49ers rivalry couldn’t get any bigger, you were wrong! Right now, Seahawks coach Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with a guy who just doesn’t seem to “get it”… 49ers OLB Aldon Smith. Smith has a huge size and athleticism advantage, and Carroll seems to be at a gigantic disadvantage… truly a David vs. Goliath style match here. Things start out predictably, as Smith has a clear early advantage over Carroll… he’s being tossed around like the quarterbacks Aldon Smith terrorized before being suspended for the entire first half plus of this NFL season. Suddenly, the department of homeland security arrives and ushers Aldon Smith off to a “private screening area”. Smith will most definitely be counted out here… seems like he still hasn’t learned a damn thing from last summer’s incidents… you just don’t call in fake bomb threats. Smith gets himself another body cavity search from the blue gloves, and Carroll finds a way to move on to our next round in a shocking upset!

  Up next, a couple of racist tools take the ring as Percy Harvin faces off with embattled former Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Harvin has the obvious physical advantage here… just better hope he doesn’t come down with another migraine… or turf toe… or nobody breathes on him! Harvin looks like he’s ready to fight here, angry with Sterling over his alleged racism, when suddenly he sees Blake Griffin in the front row, and takes the time to hang over the top ropes and yell a few things at him about not being black enough. While this is going on, Sterling, clearly suffering from some sort of early-stage dementia, wanders off and gets counted out. Harvin celebrates his victory, but suddenly gets blasted from behind by Griffin. Harvin moves on, but his head will be ringing from that shot as the next round closes in. The crowd goes wild for Griffin, who announces he must leave to go shoot another terrible commercial for some random product nobody needs.

  This has been quite a night so far, with just two first round matches left to go. We’ve seen a lot of crazy shit thus far… and we’re sure to see even more in our next battle with two massive men hitting the ring. Professional jerk ass Richie Incognito (he sure as hell isn’t playing football anymore) faces off with a different kind of bully… the woman beating douchebag Greg Hardy of the Panthers. Incognito starts things off by resorting to his old tricks, mocking Hardy and his legal woes. Hardy goes into a rage, battering the bully with lefts and rights, but Incognito quickly shows Hardy that this abuse victim actually fights back, unlike the woman Hardy beat half to death and threatened with a pile of guns in his apartment (allegedly). Incognito clearly has the upper hand here, until suddenly Jonathan Martin appears, hitting Incognito, the man who bullied him out of Miami, with a steel chair and giving the momentum back to the woman beater, Greg Hardy. Hardy takes full advantage, and he’s moving on to the next round!

  In our last first round matchup, massive asshat Dwight Howard faces off with flop master Dwyane Wade in what should be a real test of wills… the wills of everyone watching that is. Howard immediately starts off by crying to the referee, who is confused since he’s really only there in spirit! Howard doesn’t really seem to understand this, and he continues jawing at the ref. While he complains, Wade comes up behind Howard, who flails his arms out in frustration. Wade is nearly elbowed in the face… and flops over. The referee begins the ten count, and Wade continues to roll around on the ground. After ten seconds of this, Wade is out, and Dwight Howard becomes the final member of our 16-man contingent to make the second round of Turkey Bowl 2014!

  As we move on to the second round, here is a list of upcoming mathcups:

A-Rod vs. Ryan Braun

LeBron James vs. Dwight Howard

Matt Cooke vs. Brad Marchand

Jameis Winston vs. Carlos Gomez

Dick Sherman vs. Percy Harvin

John Calipari vs. Pete Carroll

Tag Team Match: Mayweather/War Machine vs. Hardy/Rice

  To kick off the second round, we’re going to have a tag team matchup between NFL spousal abusers Ray Rice and Greg Hardy and two fighters who take their aggressions out of the ring and into the home in Floyd Mayweather Jr. and MMA fighter War Machine. The special celebrity guest referee for this match will be Dog the Bounty Hunter… the man who was finally able to bring War Machine to justice after his run from the law. “I want a clean fight brah… go with Christ”. Rice and Hardy begin to argue over who has to get into the ring first, while Mayweather and War Machine argue over who gets to start off the match. To kick things off, the smaller duo of Mayweather and Rice face off. Rice doesn’t seem to want anything to do with this matchup, but he can’t outrun Mayweather. Eventually, Mayweather corners him and proceeds to knock the hell out of him with that famous right hook. Meanwhile, War Machine has had enough waiting, as he goes after Hardy on the outside. War Machine completely decimates Hardy, putting him through the Spanish announce table, and Mayweather continues to make short work of Ray Rice. Really sucks when somebody beats the hell out of you, doesn’t it Ray? Eventually, Dog the Bounty Hunter calls for the bell and this massacre is over… Floyd and War Machine advance to the “Elite 8” of sports douchebaggery.

  Next up, Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with John Calipari… two guys who made a ton of money off the backs of college kids now need to make their money on their own. Coach Cal hears a rumor that this fight could very well be in violation of NCAA rules, but of course that’s never stopped him before. Still, he feels a strange wave of conscience come over him and attempts to tell the referee that he forfeits; but it seems that Pete Carroll got the jump on him. Despite the fact that he’s no longer an NCAA coach, he heard about potential sanctions and jumped ship before Calipari even had the chance out of pure instinct! Coach Cal moves on to the Elite 8 for a change and Pete Carroll backs his way out of trouble yet again!

  Next up, two former teammates square off as Dick Sherman faces off with Percy Harvin. Harvin’s head is still ringing from  the post-match beating he took from Blake Griffin, and Sherman is well aware. After an extensive amount of trash talking worsens Harvin’s migraine headache, Sherman seals the win with his Pick Six move. Dick Sherman moves on, and it looks like Percy Harvin is going to be out of action for another year or so… sorry Jets fans!

  Next up, rape and crab leg enthusiast Jameis Winston faces off with the passionate Carlos Gomez. Both are fine athletes in the primes of their careers, and Gomez takes an early advantage. After getting Winston down, he proceeds to take a little too much time taunting Brian McCann, who is sitting at ringside for the fight. McCann decides he’s seen enough, and gets up to confront Gomez. Just then, Winston hits a blatant low blow, then once again locks in that Boston Crab maneuver. Gomez has no choice but to tap out… and once again the Boston Crab proves to be an effective weapon for Jameis. After the match, Jimbo Fisher joins Winston in the ring, holding his hand up high and claiming to be the one who taught him that maneuver.

   In the next match, two men who are hated by fans, opponents, and teammates alike, as Matt Cooke takes on fellow ice-douche Brad Marchand. Something seems off right away, as Marchand is slurring his speech and stumbling around a bit. I just received word from an anonymous source that Marchand was just thrown out of Mo’s Tavern a few minutes ago after having a few too many Fred Lite’s and getting fresh with OlHarry. Cooke takes quick advantage, and moves on to our next round.

  Next, we have Dwight Howard, who breezed through his last matchup against his first opponents’ former teammate, LeBron James. These two massive egos square off to become the NBA’s sole representative in the Elite 8. Early on, Dwight takes advantage of his size and reach advantage, pummeling the chosen one with right hooks and elbows. But LeBron turns things around by tossing talcum powder right into the big man’s eyes. Howard is completely helpless, and James shows a little killer instinct for a change and is able to finish things off like an uncontested dunk. James moves on, and as usual Dwight Howard falls short of his goal.

  In our final Elite 8 matchup, two of the biggest shames to the game of baseball square off as Alex Rodriguez takes on Ryan Braun. Both men are linked to the Biogenesis scandal, and both were wronged by Dr. Anthony Boesh. Braun got his revenge earlier, while Rodriguez was able to defeat his unenhanced first round opponent, Yasiel Puig. This will be a truly performance enhanced matchup, and power will be at a premium. We’ll find out which man had the better chemist as the fight begins. Braun and Rodriguez start things off by denying their use of PEDs to one another… then Rodriguez flip flops a bit and admits to using something back in 2001 when he was in Texas. Braun remains steadfast… but Rodriguez cracks and admits that yeah, he might have used them when he was in New York, too. Braun seems conflicted… should he admit it, or should he continue to deny? As he ponders this, Rodriguez commences to the corner of the ring and proceeds to dry hump himself in the mirror his handlers set up for him before the match.

  Braun quickly takes note of it, and knocks Rodriguez clean through the mirror, cutting him badly. The blood is everywhere, as this is beginning to look like an easy win for Braun. Braun continues the beating, when suddenly a windowless van drives into the arena. It’s A-Rod’s cousin… A-Rod’s cousin is back again! In the confusion, he slips something to A-Rod… Rodriguez injects the substance, and is reinvigorated by the injection. Braun is powerless to stop him as Rodriguez’s superior “skill” and “ability” is on full display. Showing the kind of power that Yankees fans hope for this season after a full year away from the game, Rodriguez overcomes his early troubles and is able to defeat Braun, proving that even after a year out of action, he’s still the biggest douchebag there is the sport!

  We’re down to our last eight competitors… after two grueling rounds; Alex Rodriguez, LeBron James, Matt Cooke, Jameis Winston, War Machine, Floyd Mayweather, and John Calipari are all that remain in the race to see who the biggest piece of shit in all of sports is for the year 2014! Who has what it takes? Who will reach down the deepest and become our new champion? We’ll find out, coming up next!

  Now we’re back, and in our first Elite 8 matchup, Matt Cooke faces off with college football’s biggest bad boy, Jameis Winston. Cooke has a clear fighting advantage here, as Winston is just a quarterback here. Cooke has been through a couple of wars already, while Winston has used his love of crab to move on in both rounds. Cooke will have to avoid distraction in order to get out of this one… and he’ll have to avoid that half-Boston Crab Winston has used in both his fights thus far. Cooke gets off to an emphatic start, going knee to knee on the Heisman winner. But Winston saw it coming, and with Cooke laying on the ground in pain, pulls out his steel knee pad and throws it out of the ring. After an elementary application of his now famed half Boston Crab, Cooke turtles and taps, and Jameis Winston is the first of the four participants to qualify for the Fatal Fourway to determine the 2014 Turkey Bowl Champion!

  Up next, Dick Sherman hits the ring for his matchup with punkass pugilist Floyd Mayweather Jr. Mayweather has breezed through Swaggy P and the team of NFL woman beaters, but Sherman should be a real challenge for him. Sherman ducks a barrage of punches by Mayweather, landing a few jabs of his own before unleashing a barrage of verbal abuse towards Floyd. Suddenly, Sherman’s LOB teammates jump over the safety railing, entering the ring and backing up their leader. Earl Thomas hits Mayweather with a spear, and Lane and Maxwell follow up with a double powerbomb. All Sherman has to do is gloat as Mayweather lies in a pile. Sherman lives up to his earlier boasting, and he’s in the finale!

   In our next fight, LeBron James is a huge underdog as he goes up against trained MMA fighter War Machine, who was allowed out of prison for the night in hopes that he would take a real beating. But, despite an initial switch beating at the hands of Adrian Peterson, he’s gone relatively unscathed so far. Before the fight can even begin, there is a commotion at ringside. James awaits his opponent inside the ring, but it seems something is wrong backstage. It seems that unlike his failed prison suicide attempt, War Machine has finally succeeded at something in his life, hanging himself from an air duct in the back. Seems nobody here at the Turkey Bowl cared enough to cut that piece of trash down this time around. LeBron avoids a beating, and the world is a better place without that sack of shit around.

  We’re now down to our last semifinal match, with Alex Rodriguez facing off with Kentucky Wildcats head coach John Calipari. Coach Cal begins things by trying to tell a funny story about Anthony Davis’ eyebrow… but A Rod is having none of it. He finally sees a chance to win something legitimately, as Calipari is an easy opponent for him. For the first time since high school (allegedly), Rodriguez does things the right way, and easily defeats Calipari to move on to our finale!

  So through three rounds of fighting we’ve whittled away 28 other contestants and we’ve got the four biggest douchebags in sports ready to battle it out to see who truly is #1! Former Turkey Bowl Champions LeBron James and Alex Rodriguez are odds on favorites, but Dick Sherman and Jameis Winston both have strong games when it comes to being a massive asshole. Will we crown a new champion, or will the wily veterans pick up yet another Turkey Bowl trophy? We find out right after this:

  Ladies and gentlemen, we are back, and our main event is set to begin. Four men, one ring, one champion… a Fatal Fourway matchup to determine who is the biggest douchebag, piece of shit, fuckstick, ass-licking motherfucker in all of sports. As the bell rings our four competitors circle, each trying to get a feel for their opponents. LeBron makes the first move, taking Winston’s legs out, seemingly angry about the beating he gave his boy Johnny Manziel earlier in the night. Rodriguez and Sherman begin shoving and Sherman is trash talking as usual. Rodriguez hits him with a performance enhanced right hook, which knocks his jaw out of place! Finally someone has shut this guy the hell up! As Rodriguez continues pummeling Dick Sherman, Jameis has turned the tables on “King James”, and has him set up for the half Boston Crab again! LeBron goes for the talcum powder to the eye trick again, but Winston sees it coming and ducks out of the way. As James attempts to regain his composure, Winston climbs the ropes and hits him with a Crab Leg Drop. Rodriguez has eliminated Dick Sherman… and he turns his attentions to Winston, who is about to eliminate LeBron. Rodriguez makes the save, and the two former champions start to work together against the young upstart. With Sherman out, it’s up to Winston to ensure there is a new champion this time around.

  Winston runs the ropes, and ducks under a double clothesline attempt by James and Rodriguez. Winston then lands a roundhouse to the back of A-Rod’s head, putting him down for the count. But LeBron takes advantage and puts Jameis up into what looks like a torture rack… a throwback to the days of Lex Luger! As James struts about the ring with Winston over his shoulders, Rodriguez is counted out. We’re now down to the final two folks! Winston is in a bad way as he begins to fade… it looks like LeBron James is going to become a two-time Turkey Bowl winner! All of a sudden on the big screen, a video plays of Tim Duncan and Greg Poppovich turning up the thermostat! James watches in horror, and works feverishly to try and get Winston to give up. Soon, the temperature rises, and suddenly James gets “them cramps” again.

  Winston takes advantage and gets out of the hold, and James rolls around on the mat. Jameis, never one to pass up the opportunity to take advantage of someone or something, locks in the half Boston Crab once again… and James immediately starts tapping out! Jameis Winston has done it! Jameis Winston is the Turkey Bowl champion!

   We now go live to ringside with Jameis Winston, who is joined by Coach Jimbo Fisher.

IHM: Jameis, how does it feel to know you are the single biggest piece of shit in the world of sports today? Of all the douchebags out there, you are #1!

Winston: “If I’m-a do it then, I’m-a do it big”

IHM: Right… so how does it feel knowing that despite “allegedly” being a rapist, thief, and dumber than a fucking rock that you’ve overcome all the odds and proven yourself here on this stage?

Jimbo: This interview is over.

  So as Jimbo Fisher ushers Jameis out of the arena with his newest trophy in tow, we say goodnight to all of you. Thanks to everybody out there for doing stupid things and making this so very easy for me! As they say in my old neighborhood… play stupid games, win stupid prizes!

Weekly Grumble with IHM 11/14
Category: Daily Blog 2.0

  Hello folks, and welcome to this week’s Grumble. It’s getting cold out there, but luckily here in southern Michigan we haven’t had much in the way of snow just yet… still dreading the time when that stuff starts flying again… I know it’s coming, I just sure as hell don’t want it to! It’s sure as hell cold enough for it… we’re going to be barely breaking freezing for the foreseeable future. I need to go snow bird and get my fat ass down south ASAP!

Kim Kardashian tries to “break the internet”

   Speaking of fat asses, earlier this week well known whore Kim Kardashian posed with her gigantic, nude ass on the cover of some rag, and claimed via Twitter that it would “break the internet”. So sad when someone doesn’t know they are old fucking news! Anybody that wanted to see that overused, played out ass saw it when you made your little video with Ray-J… you know, the guy that was with that crack head Whitney Houston when she died! Way to set an example for your kid… the poor little bastard you named North West… The best part? She posted a separate photo in which she balanced a champagne flute on her big fat ass, then said “and people say I have no talent”… can’t make this shit up people. She is, in fact, proud of the fact that her ass is huge enough to function as a fucking table!  

LSU fans chant “fuck you Saban”

  Since we’re talking about whores, why not talk about the biggest whore in college football… Alabama coach Nick Saban. Seems the folks down in the Bayou haven’t forgotten Saban’s midnight run to Miami, and could be heard chanting “fuck you Saban” after Alabama’s 17-10 overtime win over LSU last Saturday night. Of course, a lot of people are saying this move was “classless”… but in my opinion, you get what you give… and Nick Saban is the epitome of classlessness.

CFP rankings- TCU moves into 4th, Oregon up to 2

   On Tuesday night, the College Football Playoff rankings were released, and Mississippi State stayed right on top. The biggest surprises came after the Bulldogs, as Oregon hopped a spot up over Florida State after beating Utah to become the #2 team in the nation. The Seminoles came in at #3, while the TCU Horned Frogs rounded out the top four. Alabama sits at #5, with a big matchup with the #1 Bulldogs looming this weekend, while Arizona State parleyed their big win over Notre Dame into the #6 spot in the rankings. Baylor, despite their head-to-head win over TCU, sits at #7. Ohio State, fresh off a big win in East Lansing, Michigan over the Spartans, comes in at #8.

   This week’s schedule includes a couple of big ones… the biggest of course being the matchup of the #1 Mississippi State Bulldogs and the #5 Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa. The SEC gives us a second ranked-vs-ranked matchup with the #9 Auburn Tigers traveling to face the #15 Georgia Bulldogs. The Big Ten has a pair of ranked vs ranked matchups, as the # 16 Cornhuskers head to Wisconsin to face the #20 Badgers, and the #8 Buckeyes face the #25 Golden Gophers in Minnesota. The ACC gives us the final ranked vs ranked matchup of the weekend with #19 Clemson facing #22 Georgia Tech. Should be another fun weekend of college football, as we get closer and closer to seeing who is in the first college football playoff.

Pedo State continues to play the victim:

  Seems like the pieces of shit that call themselves Penn State fans still just don't fucking get it: this team got off waaaay too easy, yet they still cry about the penalties levied against the school. Now, there is an asshat state Senator by the name of Jake Corman filing a lawsuit that challenges the school's modest $60 million dollar fine. He claims that Freeh, the former head of the FBI, and the NCAA, worked too closely together after the school hired Freeh to conduct a "private investigation" into the school's lengthy history of condoning, supporting, and enabling pedophelia. Corman claims that the communications go "way beyond merely providing information" and that the two sides "worked together to get to an outcome that was predetermined." Just be happy your shit shack scool didn't get the death penalty and shut the fuck up, Corman...

Lions eeke out another last minute win

  The Lions did what they’ve made a habit of doing over the past two years… eeking out a last minute win against the resilient Miami Dolphins. The Lions jumped out to an early 10-0 lead in the first quarter, including Matt Stafford’s 49 yard bomb to a returning Calvin Johnson. Johnson caught 7 passes for 113 yards and that score in his return to action following a four week absence. Despite some early success, the Lions found themselves trailing 13-10 at the half following a near TD return by Dion Jordan of the Dolphins, who returned ANOTHER blocked field goal to the two. Miami was able to punch it in two plays later on a Mike Wallace TD grab, but other than that, the Lions D was dominant, holding the Dolphins to three field goals on the day otherwise.

  Eventually, it was a 16-13 Dolphins lead until Stafford led a 74-yard, last minute drive to the end zone to give the Lions the lead back, 20-16 with just 29 seconds left in the ballgame on an 11-yard TD toss to Theo Riddick. Gotta say, just as Beezer predicted a few years ago, Riddick has developed into a pretty nice change of pace back and receiver for this team. Lions punter Sam Martin went 2/2 passing, including a successful 4th down pass to FB Jed Collins, but a failed attempt later on as the Lions went to the well one time too many.

  With the win, the Lions improved to 7-2, good for first place in the NFC North a game ahead of the Packers, who dismantled the Bears 55-14 on Sunday night. Next up for the Lions is a trip to Arizona to face off with the 8-1 Cardinals, who will be without their starting QB Carson Palmer and will start former Lions draftee Drew Stanton in his place. Stanton led the Cardinals to a comeback win of their own over the Rams last week. Looking forward to what should be a great ballgame between two of the best defensive units in the league.

  As for the Bears… the one time I was rooting for you bastards and you shit the bed like that? Aaron Rodgers torched them for 6 first-half TD passes, tying the Raiders’ Daryle Lamonica’s NFL record for TD passes in the first half of a game. Just have to hope the Packers get Sanchized this weekend against the Eagles.

  The Sunday nightcap features the Patriots and the Colts at Lucas Oil Staduim with one of the best QB matchups you’ll get this side of Brady vs. Manning. Andrew Luck has fairly quietly put together an MVP caliber season himself, with an NFL leading 3,085 passing yards and 26 TD passes. We’ll see who wins this prime time matchup of full beard (when he wants to) vs. neckbeard.

Incognito tries out with Broncos

  Professional jerk ass Richie Incognito had a tryout with the Denver Broncos this week and failed to make the cut, as the Broncos decided his abilities did not counter the locker room cancer he is documented to be. Can’t say I blame them, but I have a feeling he gets his shot somewhere soon as injuries begin to mount across the league, especially along the offensive line.

Bears Marshall to fight Lions fan

  Bears WR Brandon Marshall agreed to a $25,000 purse to fight a Lions fan to settle a Twitter beef between the two. The two went back and forth over a period of time, and eventually someone said some "fightin words". After some negotiation, they settled on a $25,000 prize if the fan wins; if Marshall wins, the fan must volunteer 100 hours at a local orphanage... and apologize to Marshall's mom.

Rand University: Randy Moss still blaming everybody and everything else:

   On Tuesday night, ESPN’s 30 for 30 series aired its special on Randy Moss, named Rand University for the town of Rand, West Virginia where he hails from. The piece told the story of Moss’s struggles through a mostly white high school with racism, his off field problems that led to his loss of a scholarship with Notre Dame, eventually settling for Marshall University, and tells the story of his other teammates who had a shot at stardom but failed in their attempts. In fact, one teammate wound up in the Milwaukee Brewers organization, but was cut after he failed a drug test. But, in typical Randy Moss fashion, it was everybody else’s fault but his own, and he’s just “misunderstood”. In my honest opinion, one of the worst 30 for 30 specials they have aired… completely biased and slanted towards trying to make Randy Moss look like more than what he was… a degenerate waste of talent who could have been the greatest wide receiver ever to play the game… but who squandered his gifts and, while he is among the top five, never reached that status.

MLB All-Star showcase in Japan

   Not sure if you’ve heard about this or not, because I hadn’t heard a word about it before stumbling across it online, but Major League Baseball currently has a team of MLB All-Stars over in Japan taking on various Japanese professional teams in a five-game series, with an additional two exhibition games. The biggest stars on the MLB team include Robinson Cano, Jose Altuve, Evan Longoria, and Yasiel Puig, and is managed by Sox manager John Farrell. So far, the series is tied at 1-1 after Japanese ace Kenta Madea held the MLB team to just two hits over five innings. Madea is expected to be one of the next big-name Japanese players to make the leap to the Major Leagues. If anybody is interested in watching, the series is aired on MLB Network (which I unfortunately don’t have, but some of you do) throughout the next week and a half.

  The hot stove is already simmering, with rumors flying about that free agent closer David Robertson wants “Papelbon money”, the Red Sox are “all-in” on signing Pablo Sandoval, and the Marlins may very well be open to trading their young superstar Giancarlo Stanton... or they might just sign him to a ten year, $300 million dollar deal; a contract that would be worth roughly six times the team's 2014 payroll! Stanton’s name is joined in the trade rumor department by Cole Hammels of the Phillies and Starlin Castro of the Cubs.

Tigers re-sign Martinez to four-year deal

  The Tigers made a fairly big splash in the free agent market by re-signing their All-Star DH to a 4 year, 70 million dollar deal. The deal pretty much ensures that Max Scherzer will be pitching elsewhere next year (which wasn't a very big stretch to begin with... this team can't afford three $25-million dollar a year players plus Martinez making 17 million a year). On the plus side, the team gave Scherzer a qualifying offer, so wherever he signs, the Tigers get a compensatory pick in exchange for him. Not exactly a sure thing or as solid of a get as an NFL first round pick, but it's better than nothing, for sure.

Kershaw, Kluber win Cy Young awards

  Predictably, Clayton Kershaw was able to capture the NL Cy Young award, winning by a unanimous vote. Kluber's race was a bit closer, but he was able to edge out second-place finisher Felix Hernandez to become the third Cleveland Indian in team history to win a Cy Young award, joining Gaylord Perry, C.C. Sabathia, and Cliff Lee.

Kershaw, Trout named MVPs

  Dodgers ace Clayton Kershaw and Angels OF Mike Trout were named the NL/AL MVPs Thursday, as predicted last week by yours truly! Kershaw adds the MVP award to his growing trophy case, which now also includes three of the last four Cy Young awards. Trout became the youngest unanimous MVP recipient at just 23, winning after finishing second for the past two seasons.

Kobe Bryant is now the NBA’s all-time leader in field goals missed at 13,418!

  During yet another Lakers loss on Tuesday night, Kobe Bryant made NBA history with his 13,418th career missed field goal attempt. Bryant, who finished the game 10-26 from the floor, passed John Havlicek’s NBA record for misses, had 28 points as the Lakers fell to 1-6 on the season.

Dirk is now #1 all-time

  Dallas Mavericks F Dirk Nowitzki moved up to #9 on the NBA’s all-time scoring list Tuesday night, and in doing so, passed Hakeem Olajuwon to become the NBA’s all-time leading foreign-born scorer. Nowitzki ended the night with 26,953 career points, and is within striking distance of Elvin Hayes (27,313 career points) and Moses Malone (27,409 career points) on the all-time list, and could end the season at #7 all-time. You don’t hear a whole lot about Dirk these days, but he’s still averaging 20.9 PPG this year and leads a Dallas team currently in the 5th spot in the always heated Western Conference playoff race.

  In honor of Dirk, I'll leave you with footage from one of his fellow countrymen:

  That’s all I’ve got for today folks. Thanks, as always, for reading and for any comments you leave on the way out. Enjoy your weekend, Gabbers, and be sure to check out the NFL news and notes with Hal next door there… and make sure you let him know I don’t have a clue what keeps happening to his garbage can lids!

Weekly Grumble with IHM 11/7
Category: Daily Blog 2.0

  Well folks, it’s that special time of week again; time for another visit with your old pal IHM for this week’s Grumble. Election day has come and gone, and a message has been sent… and even better, no more idiotic political ads until 2016! That’s something we can all get together in celebrating, regardless of your political affiliation!

  With the 2014 MLB season all wrapped up, now it’s time to hand out some hardware. The San Francisco Giants won the most important trophy you can add to the trophy case, the Commissioner’s Trophy… but there is still the matter of doling out the AL/NL MVP, ROY, Cy Young, MOY, and comeback player of the year awards. Here are my picks:

AL MVP- Mike Trout, Angels. The official finalists are Trout, Michael Brantley of the Indians, and Victor Martinez of the Tigers. Given the three options, Trout is almost a no brainer. Brantley had a great year, the better batting average, and he’s also a plus-defensive player, but Trout has him beat in the power numbers, and in runs scored. As for Martinez, the fact that he played almost exclusively DH (some first base) takes him down quite a few notches when you’re talking MVP award. He had great splits on the year (.335, 32 home runs, 103 RBI), but the fact that all he did was hit makes Trout an obvious pick over him in my eyes.

NL MVP- Clayton Kershaw, Dodgers. It’s rare to see a pitcher take home both the Cy Young and MVP award… although we saw it recently with Justin Verlander… but Kershaw had a monster season, piling up 21 wins with an ERA of just 1.77; and he picked up those 21 wins in seven fewer starts than most of the guys he’s up against due to a brief DL stint early in the year. Adam Wainwright of the Cardinals (20-9, 2.38 ERA) and Johnny Cueto of the Reds (20-9, 2.25 ERA) both had great years, but Kershaw was just on a different level. Let’s put it this way… Johnny Cueto pitched 243 innings to Kershaw’s 198… Cueto tied for the NL lead with 242 strikeouts… just three ahead of Kershaw in nearly fifty more innings pitched! The other candidates for NL MVP are Andrew McCutcheon of the Pirates and Giancarlo Stanton of the Marlins, but they’re really only there because you have to name three finalists.

AL Cy Young- Corey Kluber, Indians. This is a true three-man race, with Kluber, Seattle’s Felix Hernandez, and Chicago’s Chris Sale all neck and neck, but Kluber was just the better pitcher down the stretch when it mattered most, keeping the Indians in the playoff chase until the final week despite the annual trade deadline player dump from the Tribe. Kluber finished with 18 wins, went the distance more times (3-2) than Sale and Hernandez combined, and finished two strikeouts shy of leading the league in that category (2 behind David Price’s 241).

NL Cy Young- Kershaw… explanation is above! Most years, Cueto or Wainwright would have no trouble winning a Cy Young with the seasons they had… but Kershaw was just on a different level!

 AL ROY- Jose Abreu, White Sox. While I dislike giving a rookie of the year award to a guy who has played professional baseball elsewhere before, Abreu had a monster MLB debut, hitting .317 with 36 homers and 107 RBI. Yankee reliever Dellin Betances and Angels starter Matt Shoemaker are the other two finalists, but this is pretty much a slam dunk for Abreu.

NL ROY- Jacob deGrom, Mets. Unlike the AL ROY and NL Cy Young, this is an award that is being given simply because it has to be given every year… there are no really strong candidates, and deGrom pretty much wins by default! Billy Hamilton of the Reds and Kolten Wong of the Cardinals are the other two finalists, but deGrom is the pick for me after going 9-6 with a 2.69 ERA. Hamilton impressed with his speed and ability to steal bases (56 steals), but the OBP of .292 is pretty ugly. Wong was solid but not spectacular, hitting .249 with 12 HR, 42 RBI and 20 steals.

AL MOY- Ned Yost, Royals. Yost, Buck Showalter of the Orioles, and Mike Scioscia of the Angels are the finalists, but Yost got the most out of the least, bringing a Kansas City Royals organization to their first postseason in 29 years, despite finishing last in the Majors with just 95 home runs.

NY MOY- Bruce Bochy, Giants. Bochy is joined by the Pirates Clint Hurdle and the Diamondbacks Matt Williams as MOY finalists, but Bochy is deserving of the MOY nod for the job he was able to do with this Giants team. Not exactly an offensive powerhouse, and a lot of injuries over the season… and the guy only has one career MOY award... back in 2006 with the Padres.

AL Comeback Player of the Year- Phil Hughes, Twins. Hughes had a miserable 2013 season for the Yankees, going 4-14 with an ERA of 5.19. He was not re-signed, but the Twins took a flier on him; they’re glad they did, as Hughes rebounded with a 16-10 record and an ERA of 3.52.

NL Comeback Player of the Year- Johnny Cueto, Reds. Cueto had a spectacular 2014 season, going 20-9 with an ERA of just 2.25, this after making just 11 starts in 2013 due to injury. Hard to beat a comeback season like that.

  And with that, the hot stoves will start to heat up… winter meeting are just a month away!

  Alfonso Soriano has called it a career, retiring at number fifty on the all-time home runs list with 412 while hitting .279 with 1,159 career RBI and 289 steals. The former Yankee/Ranger/National/Cub spent last season with the Yankees, hitting just .221 with 6 home runs. Soriano is one of just four players in MLB history to join the 40/40 club, joining Jose Canseco, Alex Rodriguez, and Barry Bonds on that list when he did it in 2006 while playing for the Washington Nationals, and remains the only player not linked to steroid use in the club.

  Speaking of steroid use… Alex Rodriguez reportedly admitted to the DEA that he was a steroid user between late 2010 and September of 2012, recanting the claim he earlier made that he had only used in 2001 while with the Texas Rangers. He was also “trained” in ways to beat drug testing, specifically to use only “mid-stream” urine in drug tests. Evidently the beginning and end of your pee stream is what gets you busted kids… write that one down! Rodriguez also paid large sums of money to keep Biogenesis founder Anthony Bosch quiet. Lying, cheating, stealing… but at least he’s stealing from the Yankees, which makes it slightly less despicable! Here’s hoping a 100 MPH fastball finds your jaw early in the season, A-Fraud!

  Before I leave baseball completely, check out the MONSTER elk free agent 1B/DH Adam LaRoche took down hunting in the Rockies this week... and it made his pussbag teammate Dan Haren "kind of sad"...

  Now that's what you call a freezer filler!

  The NFL announced its’ 2015 “international series” games, three games in London… again… and again, the Dolphins, Jaguars, and Lions will play in England. The Dolphins will face the Jets, the Jaguars get the Buffalo Bills, and the Lions face the Kansas City Chiefs.

  As for the Jaguars, they’re in London this week getting set to play the Dallas Cowboys, who apparently will have Tony Romo under center. Romo missed last week after injuring his back against the Redskins two weeks ago on Monday Night Football.

  All the noise in Cleveland these days is about the “struggles” of the 1-3 Cavs… but a little bit of noise came out of the mouth of Greg Little… the fucking hack that couldn’t catch a pass to save his own life while wearing the orange striped helmet… who said his return to Cleveland Thursday night as a Bengal was “personal”. Really, with all the drops he had as a Brown, I can’t understand why you would open your mouth in that situation… especially when the only reason you’re even on the Bengals roster is because their receiving corps resembles a fucking MASH unit! Poetic justice has this asshat dropping a potential game winner at the end of the game, and the Browns winning! We’ll see what happens in Cincy…

  The Lions host a Dolphins team fresh off a 37-0 crushing of the San Diego Chargers last week… you have to hope this isn’t the beginning of another second half choke job by the Lions, who enter the game 6-2 and in first place in the NFC North, but this game seems like a bit of a trap game if you ask me. The Lions get Calvin Johnson back after three weeks out, so we’ll see what this offense can do with its’ biggest weapon back in the fold against a tough Miami D.

  Once again, I have to wonder exactly what the hell CBS/FOX are thinking this week… I get two freaking games… one at 1 PM and one at 4… then obviously the Sunday/Monday nighters. Why the hell are they paying billions for broadcast rights if they only get one game a week?

  Big Ben looks to continue his recent tear when he faces the Jets and their weakened secondary… the question isn’t whether or not the Steelers win this one, it’s whether or not Roethlisberger throws 6 TD passes for a third straight week!

  That 49ers-Saints game looked a helluva lot better at the beginning of the season than it’s looking right now, eh?

  Heading over to college ball, what a huge weekend we have in store for us with six ranked vs. ranked matchups going on… the majority of them in prime time. Early in the day, #12 Baylor visits #15 Oklahoma. In the afternoon, #10 Notre Dame heads to the desert to face the #9 Arizona State Sun Devils (Catholics vs. Devils… gotta love it!). Then we hit prime time, with three ranked matchups going head-to-head-to-head, starting with #6 TCU hosting #7 Kansas State, the #8 Michigan State Spartans hosting the #14 Buckeyes, and #5 Alabama going to Death Valley to face the #16 Bayou Bengals of LSU. In the late game, #4 Oregon goes on the road to play #17 Utah. Should be a great day of college football watchin’; enjoy it, folks.

  Gotta wonder how long it takes a Hendrick guy to take out Brad Keselowski in this week’s race in Phoenix… really doesn’t seem like a matter of “if” more so than “when” with all the bad blood boiling on the track. Hendrick Motorsports has paid the $185,000 in fines levied upon crew members for their roles in the post-race brawl between Keselowski, Jeff Gordon and Kevin Harvick last week, but four remain suspended as a result.

  As I mentioned earlier, the “crowned world champion” Cavaliers fell to 1-3 Wednesday night in Utah, as Gordon Heyward hit a game winner in the final seconds. Speculation is rampant that LeBron is simply sitting back and allowing his teammates to “correct bad habits” they picked up during the dismal time he was away in Miami… yeah, that’s the actual spin LeBron’s personal sack hanger Brian Windhorst had for it… this freaking league!

  As for teams that are actually WINNING… how about those Warriors? They improved to 4-0 on the young season after running the Clippers out of the freaking gym Wednesday. Wouldn’t it be something to see this team make a deep run in the playoffs?

  Before I move on… is there more of a whiny, floppy, overrated pile of crap in this league than Chris Paul?

  Over in the NHL, the Ducks look like regular season champions again… too bad for that lack of playoff success though. Meanwhile, the defending champs look like they’ll have to take the long way through the playoffs this year as they sit at the bottom part of the bracket with 16 points, while the Blackhawks sit just below them at 15. Over in the East, the Habs lead the way with 19 points, followed closely by the Lightning and Pens at 17 points. Still a long way to go, and some great hockey being played so far.

  To end things on a positive note, here’s an update on the legendary Gordie Howe; his family says he is making “remarkable progress” in his recovery from a stroke last week. Howe’s speech is improving, and he is able to walk with assistance and a walker. Best wishes to Mr.Hockey as he attempts this comeback.

  That’s all I’ve got for today folks. Thanks as always for reading and for any comments you leave on the way out. Enjoy the weekend, Gabbers!

Weekend Wrap Up with IHM 11/3
Category: FEATURED

  Well folks, it’s another Monday here at the Gab, and this week you get IHM coming at you, covering for the man, the myth, the legend… the Beezer!

  Big weekend in both college and professional football, and we’ve still got hockey/basketball happening as well. I spent a good chunk of Saturday watching college ball, then headed out to take advantage of the extra hour of drinking time Saturday night (thanks, Ben Franklin). Got home around 2:30 (actually 3:30, but you know…), and before I could get my buzzed ass to bed, heard the boy running around his room. The wife was asleep already, so I figured what the hell, I’ll sit up with the boy and enjoy my drunkenness a little more. Turns out the boy wanted to stay up til 5… and by the time I finally got up to bed it was around 5:30. Just before 11, the wife comes up and wakes me up, and that’ll show you the level of alertness/awakeness I had for the day Sunday! Luckily, the boy was pretty tuckered out too, so we got to bed at a decent time last night, which leaves me good and refreshed for today.

   Some pretty big shake ups in the college football world happened this weekend, as #1 and #2 barely fended off their opponents, and #3 and 4 met head to head! Hell, if Arkansas had any semblance of a passing game, we might be talking about a massive upset of #1 Mississippi State. But the Bulldogs squeaked out a 17-10 win over the Razorbacks, mostly due to an apparent injury to Heisman frontrunner Dax Prescott, who was clearly not himself and visibly limping throughout the game. Gritty, ballsy performance out of him. #2 Florida State barely survived a visit to Louisville to beat Petrino’s gang 42-31… a game that was much closer than the score indicates. #3 Auburn outlasted #4 Ole Miss, who lost their top receiver for the rest of the year to a gruesome ankle injury at the end of the ballgame. Laquon Treadwell (sorry, never sure if the Q is supposed to be capitalized on these names or not…) fumbled at the goal line, and suffered a gruesome ankle injury on the play… and the kid had played a GREAT football game to that point… making some huge plays both catching the football and blocking for teammates. Hopefully this guy makes a full recovery, because he’s a guy I’d love to see on the field on Sundays, especially the all-around approach he takes to the game of football.

   #5 Oregon blew out an overmatched Stanford team, #7 TCU barely beat #20 West Virginia on a last second field goal, and the #10 Irish survived a major scare from Navy, winning 49-39 over the Midshipmen. It’ll be interesting to see how it all plays out once the committee meets up this week… and we’ll find out Tuesday night.  #9 K-State blew out Oklahoma State 48-14.

  #11 Georgia... they did their annual shitting of the bed. This year's bed shitting occured in Jacksonville, Florida, against their biggest rival the Florida Gators. They'll still probably win the SEC East (by default more than anything else), and still play in the SEC title game against a much better SEC West team, and they'll probably play over their heads there and create another "game of the century" for Sully and the rest of the folks down in the Atlanta area to see for months on end after it happens... but how does this yearly bed shitting bode for the job security of Mark Richt? How does this guy hang on after repeatedly dissapointing the fanbase? The guy seems to choke away every big game... every rivalry game... hell, he's just 8-5 in bowl games. Am I way off base as an "SEC outsider" here, or should this guy be on the hot seat, especially after losing to a dead man walking in Will Muschamp?

  The Steelers and Ravens showed us why they were the Sunday night game, providing a chippy, gritty ballgame… and the Steelers showed us they might just be a team to be feared going forward by blowing out their rivals 43-23 behind Ben Roethlisberger’s second consecutive six touchdown game, becoming the first quarterback in NFL history to throw six TD passes in consecutive games.

  During halftime, the jersey of “Mean Joe” Greene was retired. The biggest question I have out of that is, how the hell did it take this long to retire the #75 of an NFL icon? Hell, when you think the Steelers of the 70’s, who comes to mind first? For me, it’s Mean Joe every time!

  The other big game yesterday featured the Patriots and Broncos… and a couple of quarterbacks you may have heard of in Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. Turns out it wasn’t as close of a matchup as you’d think, as the Patriots were able to take a commanding first half lead and didn’t have much cause for looking back, coasting to a 43-21 win over the Broncos. For the second straight week, Tom Brady has a big game, throwing for 333 yards and 4 TD’s… only to be overshadowed by a bigger game out of Roethlisberger!

  Julian Edelman continued the "little engine that could" tradition in New England... catching a TD pass and setting a new franchise mark with his 4th career punt return TD, an 84 yard return in the second quarter that seemed to put the Pats in control for good. It came just about three minutes after he caught a five yard TD strike from Brady.

  In the big game that nobody really paid much attention to, the 6-1 Cardinals took on the 6-2 Cowboys at Jerryworld. This one wound up being a bit closer, but the Cowboys were forced to start Brandon Weeden in place of an injured Tony Romo, and looked completely out of sync in the 28-17 loss. DeMarco Murray fell 21 yards short of 100… the first time this season he’s failed to reach the century mark. Carson Palmer threw for three TD’s in the win for the NFC West leading Cardinals.

  Strange when you think of it, but the Cardinals have actually been to a Super Bowl more recently than the Dallas Cowboys!

  The Seahawks stayed two games back in the NFC West by holding off the Raiders late rally, while the 49ers fell three games behind to 4-4 in their loss to the Rams.

  With the Steelers, Bengals, and Browns all winning Sunday, the AFC North is the only division in football with all four teams above .500.

  The Eagles got a win but suffered a big loss Sunday when starting QB Nick Foles went down with a broken collarbone. Backup Mark Sanchez filled in nicely, though, throwing three TD passes in a 31-21 win over the Texans.

  Not to step on Qwazier's toes here or anything... but what is up with all the shoving matches and "fights" in NASCAR this year? Every week, it seems like someone is trying to run up from behind on Brad Keselowski and go all knock out game on him! I'd respect it a helluva lot more if they were coming up to the guy's face, looking him in the eye and then swinging, but every single time it seems like it's somebody taking a swing from behind when the kid isn't looking. I know he's involved in quite a few "situations" and all, but what is with all the hate for this guy? I heard Gordon say he was a "dip shit"... but I didn't see much wrong with Keselowski was trying to do sneaking past Gordon during the race. Yeah, he clipped the back tire of Gordon's car... but isn't that just part of racing? What the hell is going on here, Q? Anybody? Is the new format leading to that much more tension on the track?

  Not sure how many metal heads there are out there reading, but I just wanted to throw a R.I.P. out for one of my favorite musicians, Wayne Static of Static-X and Pighammer, who passed away Saturday night at the age of 48. No cause of death has been announced yet, but the usual suspects (O.D, etc.) are all in play.

  That’s all I’ve got for a Monday Morning. Be sure to head on over to Uncle Moz’s Family Feedbag next door and see what he’s got to say! Thanks as always for reading, and for any comments you leave on the way out.

Weekly Grumble with IHM 10/31
Category: Daily Blog 2.0

  Hello folks and welcome to this week’s Grumble… new time, new date, same old cantankerous ranting and raving! First things first, I want to thank storminnorman for doing me a solid and switching days with me… from now on, he’s in the top slot on Saturdays next to SunTzu. Thanks again, buddy.

  This week went a little bit better for the IHM household… lil IHM is back up and full of beans, but Mrs. IHM caught a pretty nasty case of strep throat, so I was home taking care of her (when the stubborn ol’ woman would let me) for a few days as well. So far the worst thing I’ve had is a tickle in my throat, a little bit of coughing, and a plugged up ear… hoping it doesn’t find its’ way to me next!

  Before I move on to sports, I want to pass along condolences to the massive Boston conglomerate here at the Gab on the loss of former Mayor Thomas Menino, the longest serving Mayor in the city’s extensive history.

  Pretty big week in sports… we crowned a new World Series champion (congrats to BOB and his Giants), tipped off the WWE (I mean NBA) season, and we still have the NFL and NHL in full swing… plus the NCAA put out their first Top 25 for the college football playoff.

  Let’s kick off the sports talk with the man who is most deserving of the top billing anywhere these days… Madison Bumgarner, a.k.a. the scariest thing you can Trick or Treat as in Kansas City this year!  Not only does the guy go out and pitch on three days rest after throwing a complete game shutout (just a few days after going seven strong and picking up his first win of the series), he dominates the final five innings, giving up a goose egg and picking up the save as the Giants topped the Royals 3-2 in game seven. Overall, he was 2-0 with an ERA of 0.25, picked up a save, and went 21 innings in this World Series… the guy was just on cruise control out there. As cool as it would have been to see the Royals get their first World Series win in 29 years, it was pretty cool to see the way Bumgarner dominated this series.

  As for the Giants on the offensive side of the baseball, how about the work Pablo Sandoval (what else is new, right) put in over the entire postseason. Struggled all year, picks it up when it matters most… the guy set an MLB record with 21 total hits over a single postseason, and if it weren’t for the domination of Bumgarner, is probably looking at a World Series MVP trophy. In game seven, he was at it again, with three hits and scoring two of the Giants three runs on the night.

  And how about we finally give some credit to Bruce Bochy? Seems like he is forgotten every time there is a discussion about the best managers in the game, yet all the guy has done in San Francisco is win titles! Three in five years… if I used the word, I’d say that qualifies as a dynasty… but personally I think the word is overused and overrated. Bochy always seems to know which buttons to push and when, and the proof is in the pudding.

  Overall, it was a pretty damn good series if I do say so myself… The Royals fought hard, and didn’t embarrass themselves by any means. Taking a team like San Francisco to the limit is a feat in and of its self… just ask the Tigers! Hopefully this isn’t a one hit wonder in KC, and the Royals can continue to build for the future and get even better still moving forward. But the Giants and the team brand of baseball they play really took me by surprise and took the series. Congrats again to BOB, and to the rest of the fans out in the NoCal area.

  Sources say that the Cubs are close to reaching an agreement with Joe Maddon to be their next manager. Is he the guy to reverse the curse? I don’t know if even Maddon has the ability to get that team a World Series.

  Over in college football land, the first ever college football playoff rankings were released earlier in the week… and surprise, surprise… we’ve got a ton of SEC teams in the top six… and another one at #11! But four of the best six teams are in the SEC West? Amazing. Georgia of the SEC East sits at #11. Oregon snuck in ahead of Bama at #5, and the defending champs from Florida State sit at #2. Of course, each of the four SEC West teams in the top six all play one another at some point, so that will sort its self out eventually. Just have to bide your time and not shit the bed, other conferences.

  As for #11 Georgia, who has really not shown any ill effects of missing star RB Todd Gurley due to the autograph signing fiasco, they got some decent news on that front. Gurley will be allowed to return (lucky him) and play after two more games. So, if Georgia makes it to the SEC title game, Gurley will be there to try and knock off the SEC West “superteam” that survives that melee.

  This week’s schedule features a couple of biggins, as we have four (five if you count Thursday night’s FSU vs. Louisville matchup) ranked vs. ranked games on tap. On Saturday, #7 TCU heads to West Virginia to play the #20 Mountaineers and their senior star QB Clint Trickett. #3 Auburn heads to the Grove to face #4 Old Miss. #12 Arizona heads to Hollywood to tangle with the #22 Bruins, and the #17 Utes try to deal with the Devil… the #14 Arizona State Sun Devils that is. Should be a nice day of college ball… enjoy it folks.

  After spending Wednesday night flipping around between game seven (watched all but commercial breaks), the Wings game, the Pistons game, and the Bulls-Knicks game on ESPN, I can honestly say that this has to be the absolute best time of year to be a fan! Hell, even Thursday night we get college football, the Thursday night NFL game (Saints-Panthers), and a combination of NBA/NHL coverage on various networks… just awesome. Baseball may be finished for the year, but what a great season it was this time around.

  The Wings game last night gave me a bit of hope that this team might actually be a contender after all. Datsyuk and Zetterberg are back and healthy; Abelkader is benefitting from being on the Pavel/Hank line and already has 5 goals on the season. Jimmy Howard is playing over his head right now… or maybe he’s finally figured things out! Still nervous about the lack of muscle on this team, but if Pavel and Hank continue to shine like they have, they might just be able to overcome it and become a threat in the East, especially with Boston missing that monster Chara for a while… but we all know how deep the Eastern Conference is.

  On a sad note before leaving hockey, Mr.Hockey Gordie Howe suffered a serious stroke on Sunday. The stroke has caused him to lose some function in the right side of his body and he has been having difficulty speaking. He is 86 years old and all, but still sad to see a legend and a class act like Gordie Howe suffer that kind of incident. Howe was a six-time MVP and four time Stanley Cup champion with the Wings. Best wishes go out to Mr.Hockey and his family.

  As for the NBA, they kicked off the season Tuesday night by giving us a solid game between the defending champion Spurs and Mavericks… then they followed it up with the Rockets and Lakers. The next night… yeah, the fucking Lakers again… in case you don’t get it yet, I’m sick of seeing the fucking Lakers already! I get it, Kobe is on the team… but he’s surrounded by Carlos Boozer, Jeremy Lin, and another 12 nobodies that nobody in their right mind wants to watch! Oh, and tonight… we get Cavs-Bulls and then, you guessed it, the goddamn Lakers! At least they’ll get smoked by the Clippers again… that’ll be fun to see.

   Over to the NFL, the Lions hit their bye week sitting pretty at 6-2, thanks in large part to their newfound ability to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Even last year, they always seemed to find a way to shit the bed… but this year, it looks like things are different. Maybe, just maybe, a decade plus of Karma kicking the shit out of the Lions and their fans has swung back around, and now we get to see how it works in reverse. Last week in London (evidently a home game for the Falcons, not the Lions, so that was my mistake last week), the Falcons jumped out to a 21-0 lead in the first half. The Lions somehow found a way to tighten things up, and in the last seconds, they screwed themselves right into a fucking win!

  Screwed themselves into a win? That’s right… Matt Prater was lined up for a game-winning 43-yard attempt (nerve wracking for a Lions fan this year, given all the kicking issues we’ve had), and the kick he got off was shanked wide right. Luckily for the Lions, they forgot about a little thing called the play clock… delay of game, five yards back, now we’re looking at a 48-yard attempt for the win. Kick is up, it’s good, Lions go home winners, and Mike Smith is left picking grass and wondering where his life went wrong! One of the more bizarre things I’ve ever seen go in the Lions favor, for sure.

  Thanks to the Saints beating Green Bay last week, the Lions are a game up on the Pack, who are also on their bye week. The Bears also get the week off… although they have been a train wreck this year! The Vikings get a returning RG3 and the Redskins, fresh off their impressive Monday Night win in Dallas.

  The big game this week would have to be the Pats hosting the Denver Broncos, a game that features a couple of fairly good quarterbacks named Brady and Manning. Hopefully this game is broadcast in my freaking market… because somehow it’s not the Sunday Night or Monday night game this week.

  That’s all I’ve got for today folks. Thanks as always for reading and for any comments you leave on the way out, and make sure to head on over to Hal’s blog on the left and get your fill of NFL news and notes. And make sure you tune in tomorrow to check out storminnorman's Saturday featured blog. Happy Friday, Happy Halloween, and enjoy your weekend, Gabbers!

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