Hello ladies and gents, and welcome to this week’s Grumble with IHM. We’re quickly approaching Christmas Day (less than a week away now, for all you shopping procrastinators out there), and I continue to wait to hear back about the job I want so badly! While I wait, I’ve got a second interview to go to today at 2… so hopefully I can use that to get an answer out of this other company! The two updates I’ve had from the staffing firm so far have been “no movement on the position”… either way, hopefully I’ll be back to work when the calendar rolls over to 2015!
In the world of sports, we’ve got some big stories going this week! The first of course would be the shots fired on Nebraska’s campus between ex-head coach Bo Pelini and AD Shawn Eichorst. Pelini was allowed to address his players before departing for Youngstown State (his new gig), during which he said he’d rather work at fucking McDonalds than work with “some of those guys”, and called Eichorst cunt and a pussy during his profanity laced rant, which drew several rounds of laughter from players who are also disgruntled with Eichorst, but Nebraska’s brass is not laughing. Fortunately for Pelini, he does not have any no-disparagement clause that will prevent him from collecting the reported $7.9 million severance package he is owed. Of course, this is the same guy who multiple times has said he doesn’t give a fuck if he’s fired… and who has repeatedly berated Nebraska fans, going so far as saying “fuck you, fans” in a different rant. Well, if things don’t work out at Youngstown State Bo, we’ll save a spot here at the Gab for you!
In another developing story, former Pistons GM Joe Dumars was fined $500,000 by the NBA back in 2010 for leaking confidential league information to a source in the media; the third biggest fine in NBA history! In fact, it had gone on for so long that the league had to set up a sting to find out which GM was responsible, so they sent messages worded differently to different NBA GM’s. The reporter in question is yahoo.com’s Adrian Wojnarowski, who apparently had some form of symbiotic relationship with Dumars. Wojnarowski would write nice stories about Dumars… Dumars would keep feeding him information. Embarrassing for the Pistons organization to say the least… but at least it got them somewhere near relevance for a day!
The writing is on the wall in Chicago, and it looks like Jay Cutler’s days as a Bear are numbered. Cutler has been benched, likely for the remainder of the season, by coach Mark Trestman in favor of Jimmy Claussen, and rumor has it he may be headed to Tennessee via trade in the offseason. This, of course, comes a week after reports surfaced that offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer said the Bears were experiencing “buyer’s remorse” on Cutler.
This might look like good news for the Lions, who head down to Chicago to face the Bears this weekend… but given the Lions’ history against backup quarterbacks, I’m going to say I’d rather see Jay Cutler back there than Jimmy Claussen. For those who wonder what I’m talking about, I’ll say two words… Matt FUCKING Flynn!
The good news for the Lions, provided they don’t shit the bed against an out of it and dispirited team in Chicago, is that they’re now a game up on the Packers thanks to an upset by the Buffalo Bills (finally Jim Schwartz does something to help the Lions!) last weekend. The Lions struggled against the Vikings last week, but the Vikings are a much better team than Chicago is at this point. Hell, if they find a way to use Patterson in Minnesota, they’ll be in some good shape! Of course, the Lions head to Lambeau Field week 17… a place that has been an absolute house of horrors for them, going winless there since 1991! But, the division title will likely be on the line (assuming the Packers rebound this week against Tampa Bay), so I’m hoping this will be the year the streak is broken!
As for this week’s hot stove in baseball… it’s not quite as hot as last week’s, but there are still some moves out there worth mentioning:
-The Royals signed Edinson Volquez to a two-year deal.
-Michael Morse signed with the Marlins.
-Brandon Morrow signed with San Diego.
-The Rays traded OF Matt Joyce to the Dodgers for RHP Kevin Jespen.
-The Rays were not done there, trading OF Wil Myers to San Diego in a three-team, 11 player deal that also involved the Washington Nationals.
- The White Sox continued to improve by signing OF Melky Cabrera.
-The Royals also signed 1B/DH Kendrys Morales.
-The Indians signed RHP Gavin Floyd.
-LHP Chris Capuano signed with the Yankees. The team also re-signed 3B Chase Headley.
-The Braves signed IF Alberto Callaspo.
- The Astros signed SS Jed Lowrie.
The big buzz in the sport of baseball surrounds the new arrangements made between Obama and the leaders of Cuba, who have decided to re-start relations between the nations. What impact will this have on future MLB players coming out of Cuba? We’ll find out soon, I’m sure… but it might make things a whole lot easier for teams to scout and pick up players from the island.
Over in the NBA, Rondo trade rumors are up and running once again… this time the rumors have him going to the Mavericks in exchange for C Brandan Wright, a few other players to meet the salary cap math work, and draft picks. This would give Dallas a starting lineup of Monta Ellis, Rondo, Dirk, Chandler Parsons, and Tyson Chandler.
Milwaukee’s first round pick Jabari Parker is out for the rest of the season now after tearing his ACL Monday night in Phoenix. Parker was the #2 overall pick in last year’s draft, and was averaging 12 points and 5 rebounds per game for the surprising Bucks on the season.
The Jordan 11 retro shoe release caused some idiots to riot in Toledo, Ohio. A crowd of 3-400 people gathered outside a store, and when the store announced it was delaying opening (the store only had 150 “tickets” available for the right to buy the shoes), the crowd became restless. The police were called and pepper spray was allegedly used. This isn’t the first time a crowd has become violent over Air Jordans… people are frequently hurt or even killed during these “shoe releases”, not to mention those who are shot wearing them when someone comes to rob them for their $180 shoes.
As for news on the Michigan head coaching job, reports are that Jim Harbaugh is “considering” the Wolverine’s offer of six years, 49 million dollars, making him the NCAA’s highest paid coach, passing Nick Saban’s yearly salary by over a million dollars per year. Looks like Saban has a raise coming in his future… assuming Harbaugh takes the money that is. Harbaugh, of course, has two games remaining in the NFL season, so a decision is unlikely before the end of the 49ers season.
That’s all I’ve got for today folks. Thanks as always for reading and for any comments you leave on the way out. I won’t be back til the day after Christmas, so Merry Christmas to you and yours. I’ll see you the day after Christmas… or as Santa calls it, empty sack day!
Hello folks, and welcome to this week’s Grumble with IHM. Been a long week for yours truly… mostly because of the wait I’ve been dealing with since Monday, when I got a call with a potential job offer making a hell of a lot more money than I’ve ever made thus far in my “career”. As of the time I’m writing here, I still haven’t heard back… but I’ll keep the hope alive until I hear otherwise!
Been a big week in baseball hot stove news, as the winter meetings are in full swing in San Diego. This week’s biggest players have been the A’s, Dodgers, and Cubs; all of whom made big splashes in one way or another. The A’s seem to be in the midst of yet another firesale… first trading Josh Donaldson last week, and this week trading away Jeff Samardzija to the White Sox for a gaggle of low level prospects (the Sox also added closer David Robertson) and All Star 1B/OF Brandon Moss to Cleveland for a prospect. With a shitty stadium, shitty ownership that refuses to spend a dime, and a GM who seems to enjoy rebuilding more than any fan can stand, how does this team maintain any form of a fan base? Good lord!
The Dodgers were all over the place this week. On Tuesday they made a move to bring in Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins. Wednesday they made another series of moves… acquiring a handful of prospects from the Marlins for All-Star 2B Dee Gordon, SP Dan Haren (who is allegedly retiring, in which case the Marlins receive $10 million from the Dodgers), and SS Miguel Rojas. They then parlayed parts of the Marlins trade into All-Star 2B Howie Kendrick (formerly of the Angels, much to DVT’s chagrin), then made another deal moving former star Matt Kemp to San Diego in exchange for C Yasmani Grandal, cleaning up the mess that was their crowded outfield situation. The team is also allegedly near a deal with SP Brandon McCarthy… who will likely parlay a good 15 game run with the Yankees last year into a 4 year, 48 million dollar contract!
The Cubs made their first move on Tuesday, trading a pair of pitching prospects to the Diamondbacks for All-Star C Miguel Montero. The next day they made their biggest splash, signing SP Jon Lester, considered by some to be this year’s biggest free-agent prize, to a six year, 155 million dollar deal. James Shields has also been mentioned as the Cubs next potential target. With the surplus of young position talent this team has in the minors and Majors, expect to hear a lot more from the Cubbies before the offseason ends.
As for the Tigers, they were in the category of “watchers” until just a few moments ago, when they traded RHP Rick Porcello to Boston for power hitting, power armed OF Yoenis Cespedes. The Red Sox also added Wade Miley in a trade with the Diamondbacks earlier in the week, and signed Justin Masterson. Doesn’t do a damn thing to shore up the bullpen (aside from a pair of minor league pitchers who might end up in the pen), but still, nice to get some added protection for Miggy and VMart in the lineup. Plus, the Tigers added Shane Greene in a three-way trade with the Yankees and Diamondbacks earlier in the week, which sent DiDi Gregorious to the Yankees to replace a retiring Derek Jeter, and some minor leaguers to the Diamondbacks.
The Tigers just made another deal, this time acquiring 2014 All-Star Alfredo Simon from the Reds for IF Eugeno Suarez and minor league P Jordan Crawford. Simon was 15-10 with a 3.44 ERA for the Reds last year. The best part is his nickname… he loves it when you call him “Big Pasta”. The Reds then traded SP Mat Latos to the Miami Marlins for SP Anothony DiSclafani and C Chad Wallach.
Two guys I was hoping the Tigers would make a move for to shore up that bullpen, Luke Gregerson and Pat Neshek, were signed by the Astros on Wednesday.
As for Max Scherzer, the Tigers, Yankees, Dodgers, Red Sox, Giants and Nationals are among teams mentioned in speculations as to where he will land. I’m guessing the Tigers are out (kind of hoping, actually), since they already have a solid rotation with Price/Verlander/Sanchez/Greene/Simon… but I’ve been wrong before, and I know how much Scott Boras enjoys bending Dave Dombrowski over the negotiating table!
Over in the NFL we have three big stories this week: Johnny Clipboard is now Johnny Starter, and Roger Goodell and the NFL’s owners have decided on a new conduct policy… without the input of the NFLPA, and Cam Newton was injured and likely shelved for the rest of the season after being involved in a car crash…
As for Johnny Football/Cashsign/Scumbag/Douchebag/Clipboard/Starter… it is probably best for the Browns to go this way, especially after the horrendous play of Brian Hoyer the past four weeks. In those four weeks, he ranks at or near the bottom of the league in the majority of NFL Quarterbacking stats, including throwing only one TD pass and a league high eight interceptions. At this point, they’re still in the playoff hunt, but Hoyer simply isn’t making the plays needed to help that defense win games. Will Johnny make it any better? Well, he can’t really make it much worse at this point! Besides, with two first round picks in next year’s draft, the Browns need to know if this guy’s play making ability translates to the NFL or not… and whether or not they need to go after yet another name for the long, long list of starters for the team since 1999!
As for Johnny’s first start… it comes against Marvin Lewis and the Bengals. When asked about Manziel, Lewis apparently called Manziel a “midget”… which sent the world of little people into an angered, adorable frenzy. Lewis apologized for the comments later… sad when midgets can force an apology out of a full sized man. Just goes to show you the PC hellhole we now call reality.
The new NFL conduct policy is set… highlights include:
Embracing the use of independent investigations; the NFL will hire a special counsel for investigations and conduct who will oversee initial discipline.
The policy will implement an element of leave with pay during investigations of people charged with violent crimes.
The commissioner still has some role in the appeals process, but may appoint a panel of independent experts to decide an appeal.
Doesn’t sound like all that bad of a deal, but I’m sure the NFLPA will find something to cry about in there… most likely about the fact that they weren’t able to collectively bargain for any part of the policy. Whaaa, whaaa, whaaa… fucking unions.
Cam Newton was injured when he was cut off by another driver and rolled his truck a few times on Tuesday. Newton was in the hospital overnight, and suffered a pair of fractures in his lower back, similar to the injury Tony Romo suffered at the end of last season. Best wishes to Cam on a full recovery.
This week’s games include: The Lions hosting the Vikings… a team that always gives them trouble. The Packers travel to Buffalo to face a tough Bills D. Hopefully we get a little help from Gym Shorts and the boys. The resurgent Falcons (despite the loss to the Packers on Monday night) host the Steelers. The 49ers and Seahawks face off in the afternoon and the Cowboys and Eagles battle for first place in the NFC East on Sunday night. On Monday night, the Saints travel to Chi-town to face the Bears.
In college football, the debate continues over the playoff teams and the slotting of the rest of the bowl eligible teams… but this weekend we get a chance to see football in its purest form. The Army vs. Navy game on Saturday at 3. Only game on the schedule… as it should be. These young men deserve the spotlight, even if only for one week. Make sure you tune in if you get the chance.
Over in the NBA, LeBron James caused a stir early in the week with his perpetuation of the “I Can’t Breathe” slogan on a t-shirt (he among other athletes around the country), then caused an international incident by daring to touch the duchess when he met the royal couple (don’t remember their names, don’t give a shit either). Apparently nobody is to touch the future queen… not even “King James”. Neither the duke or duchess seemed very offended by it, but apparently the tea suckers overseas were quite upset. LeBron scores major points in my book if he comes out and tells the uptight citizens brigade to sit on it! Fuckin limey Brits!
The Warriors won their 14th straight over Houston Wednesday night, improving to an impressive 19-2 on the season in the process. Does this team finally have it together enough to make a serious run at the NBA title? I’d love to see it, personally.
The NHL is apparently in the grips of a mumps outbreak… Travis Zajac and Adam Larsson have been diagnosed with the vaccine-preventable disease, as have players for the Minnesota Wild, New York Rangers, Anaheim Ducks, and St.Louis Blues this season. Looks like somebody missed their shots growing up.
This week marked the ten year anniversary of the night Dimebag Darrell Abbott was shot and killed while playing in a Columbus, Ohio club. RIP to one of the finest guitar players this world has ever known:
Well, that’s all I’ve got for today folks. Thanks as always for reading and for any comments you leave on the way out. Enjoy your weekend, Gabbers!
Hello Gabbers, and welcome to this week’s grumble with IHM. Been a crazy post-Thanksgiving week in the world of sports, and in the world in general… so let’s get right to it!
A lot has been said about the Rams players who did the “Hands Up” salute before Sunday’s game… but I haven’t heard a lot of criticism levied towards the idiotic members of Congress who did the same earlier this week. Why is it we expect more out of a group of five football players than we do out of our Congressional representatives? In either case, it is simply the perpetuation of a lie… Brown’s hands were not up… three separate autopsies have disproven that claim… not to mention legitimate witness testimony to the contrary. Why are we perpetuating this anti-police agenda in the media? Yet, the second any of the asshats doing this… any of the five Rams players or any member of Congress… needs help, they’ll be on the phone, calling the very officers to help them that they condemn.
Are there bad cops out there… of course there are. There are bad people in every line of work worldwide… they make up about 1% of those out there who protect YOUR asses every single day. The majority of police want one thing… to go home to their families at night after putting in an honest day’s work… just like the rest of us. Yet, we have celebrities, members of Congress, our President, and of course the lapdog media fools perpetuating the image of all cops being evil, bigoted people who want nothing more than to arrest and murder black folks. There was a time when I didn’t trust the police, either… back when I was a dipshit, dope headed kid carrying pot on me and constantly high… back when I was living wrong. Chances are if you’re not doing anything wrong, you’re going to be just fine whether you encounter an officer of the law or not… regardless of what color you are.
As for the “tolerant liberals” who support all the cop hating… they had another target this week as well. Seems they took a break from cop bashing and pushing the “white privilege” agenda to take a few shots at Darius Rucker… who sang the song “White Christmas”, at the tree lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Plaza… while protests for Eric Garner took place hundreds of feet away. Evidently these days a black man can’t sing a song about wanting snow on Christmas…
In the world of sports, Thursday saw a few big changes in the college football coaching ranks, as Nebraska and Florida both hired new head coaches. Nebraska went with Mike Riley, the now former Oregon State coach, and Florida hired Colorado State’s Jim McElwain. Both solid hires… Riley is one of the few class acts in all of college head coaching, and a guy who truly cares about his players. McElwain is a great offensive mind who looks to fix a
In this week’s action, we’ve got the ACC, SEC, Pac-12, and Big Ten title games going on with national championship implications on the line. Florida State takes on Georgia Tech, Alabama gets Mizzou, Oregon faces their nightmare in Arizona, and Whisky faces Ohio State, minus their Heisman candidate at QB. In the Big 12, Baylor faces a tough test in Kansas State while TCU faces Iowa State.
Before I get into next week, I’d like to go back to last week and send some props to Michigan senior QB Devin Gardner, who showed a tremendous amount of sportsmanship and class in kneeling down to talk to Ohio State QB J.T. Barrett as team doctors attended to his broken ankle. It’s a rivalry game and all, but Gardner showed a ton of class in forgetting about the hate for a minute to console the injured opponent. The Ohio State University even sent a thank you letter his way for being such a class act.
As it stands today, your playoff teams are Alabama, Oregon, TCU, and Florida State. After this weekend, we’ll see who is left standing, and who of the 5-8 teams takes advantage of any slips in this week’s action. Ohio State sits at #5, Baylor at #6, Arizona State at #7, and Michigan State at #8. Kansas State, Baylor’s opponent this weekend, sits at #9, and Mississippi State sits at #10.
For me, the obvious dream scenario is seeing Alabama go down and having a college football playoff with ZERO SEC teams! But, as Jeff mentioned earlier in the week… what if both Baylor and TCU win this weekend? Baylor has the head-to-head win over TCU… and the same exact record… and the Big 12 has already bitched out and said they’d be named co-champions if both win out… so then what? How does a head-to-head win not equal a playoff spot for the Bears? If both teams get extremely lucky, one or more of Florida State, Bama, and Oregon lose and they get two playoff spots… but that’s not very likely. Maybe Georgia Tech has what it takes to finally be the team to beat Florida State… they’re sure as hell as vulnerable an undefeated team at this stage of the year that I’ve ever seen. Oregon’s lone loss this year was to the very Arizona team they face this week… and Alabama has looked beatable (mainly early in the season) at times. We’ll see how things shape up after the smoke clears this weekend.
Over in the NFL… looks like the Ravens are in some trouble. Pro Bowl DT Haloti Ngata is out four games (or the rest of the regular season) for violating the NFL’s PED rules. Bad news for a team right in the thick of things in the AFC North; especially with a tough game against Miami on the schedule this week, and games against the Browns, Texans and Jaguars to finish out the regular season.
The Lions prepare to host the Buccaneers this week, and hopefully the offense will still be on track after an extended layoff. Green Bay hosts a suddenly resurgent Atlanta Falcon team, fresh off a win over the Cardinals, on Monday Night Football. The Bears play Thursday night against Dallas (score wasn’t available yet when I wrote this), and the Vikings host the Jets.
The “games of the week” this week include a division clash between the Steelers and Bengals, the Chiefs heading to the desert to face the Cardinals, and the Seahawks heading to the city of brotherly love to face the Eagles high flying offense. Of course, the Sunday night game between the Patriots and Chargers should be a good one as well… with Brady’s bunch looking to bounce back from a tough luck loss to the Packers.
Speaking of the Chargers… former Chargers bust Ryan Leaf was released after a two year stay in a Montana prison this week.
Over in baseball, the hot stove is still churning out the contracts… after last week’s big trade between the Blue Jays and A’s, we saw a few more signings:
Nelson Cruz signed with the Mariners.
Nick Markakis is an Atlanta Brave. The team also signed RP Jim Johnson.
Torii Hunter is a Minnesota Twin.
The Mariners traded OF Michael Saunders to Toronto for SP J.A. Happ.
Colby Lewis is staying in Texas for another year.
LHP Clayton Richard joined the Pittsburgh Pirates.
RHP Luke Hochevar stayed with the Royals.
Over in the NHL, the family of Gordie Howe reports that he has improved mental awareness as he recovers from a stroke.
Martin Brodeur has signed a one-year deal with the St.Louis Blues and will start Thursday night’s game. He played 21 years in New Jersey, and this will be the his first career start for any other organization. Brodeur is the NHL’s all-time leader among goalies in games played, wins, and shutouts.
In the NBA… the 76ers won a game! They beat the equally hapless Minnesota Timberwolves 85-77 Wednesday night to improve to 1-17 on the season.
That’s all I’ve got for this week, folks. Thanks as always for reading and for any comments you leave on the way out… and enjoy your weekend, Gabbers!
Hello folks, and welcome to today’s Tantrums… in Grumblevision! This week’s switcheroo continues as I fill in for B.O.B., who filled in for the Beezer, who will fill in for yours truly on Friday! Big things happening this week, so let’s get right down to business here…
The top story of the day, no matter where you look, is the situation down in Ferguson, MO. This entire situation disgusts me, and it should disgust every single American with a pulse. Not just the media sensationalism that caused this to balloon out of control, but the blatant race pimping that has caused so much tension and so much damage to the community of Ferguson should be condemned. If you never once consider the race of either person involved in this crime, it is an open and shut case… if you flip races and this is a black officer shooting a white perp who assaulted him and grabbed for his firearm, it is an open and shut case. Yet, after all the pressure put on public officials in Ferguson, MO, they were able to allow the justice system to work properly. All proper evidence was heard, and due diligence was done; probably a hell of a lot more than necessary, in order to ensure both sides got their day in court. In the end, the only losers we have here are those left over in Ferguson to clean up once the rioters and looters leave town and move on to the next place… hopefully sooner rather than later. They’ll move on and tear another community down, cause more tension and hurt elsewhere, and probably before Ferguson is completely put back together, and offer zero help to those left behind to clean up their mess. That is what I take away from all of this… what’s your take, Gabbers?
On to sports, where the hot stove was in grease fire mode Monday with the Boston Red Sox cooking up a storm… adding two pieces to the left side of their infield by agreeing to contracts with Pablo Sandoval and Hanley Ramirez (who might play LF with the Sawx) on five year deals. Sandoval gets five years at around a hundred million, and Ramirez got 4 years at 88 million, with a fifth year option that puts the total deal up over the hundred million dollar mark. Maybe they overpaid a bit here, but they add two big bats to a lineup that needed some pop, and Sandoval is an immediate upgrade at third for a team that ranked near the bottom of Major League Baseball in production from that position. More importantly, Sandoval adds another clutch postseason hitter to the lineup… Sandoval and Ortiz hitting back to back in the playoffs sounds like an absolute nightmare to me! Congrats to all you Sawx fans out there… especially with the news that they might not even be done spending yet… the new rumor out there is Jon Lester coming back to town after a four or five month rental to Oakland!
The Mariners added another hundred million dollar contract to their roster by re-signing 3B Kyle Seager to a seven year, 100 million dollar deal. Seager, who made his first All-Star team and won a Gold Glove this season, was scheduled for arbitration after making just $540,000 last season.
Moving on to the NFL, we had two games on the slate for Monday night as the Ravens defeated the Saints 34-27 in New Orleans, while the displaced Buffalo Bills dominated the Jets in their temporary Ford Field home, 38-3. During the week, CBS sports’ Doug Gottleib decided that instead of praising the city of Detroit and the Lions organization for again offering up their facilities for another team to use in their time of need, he would use the opportunity to take a pot shot at the city, quipping that “this is the first time that Detroit has ever been considered a safer option than Buffalo” in a Tweet. Classy move Douggy… now shouldn’t you be off to steal a teammate’s credit card right about now? I don’t know how this tool is on television, or ever got there in the first place, but he is one of the more annoying little twats out there. Normally, I’m one of the first people that wants to bag on Detroit for being a dilapidated shit hole… but this was sure as hell not the situation that warranted it.
As for the Lions… what else can you say? Once again, they started the season 5-2. Once again, just four games later, they sit at 7-4, after an embarrassing 34-9 loss to the New England Patriots. No disrespect to the Patriots here… they earned every bit of that victory and are playing possibly the best football in the league right now… but this Lions team was exposed on Sunday for what it is, and it ain’t pretty.
Memo to Matt Stafford: a 35% completion percentage normally gets you benched in fucking Pop Warner football… just God fucking awful. Let’s look at the stats, shall we? Tom Brady… 38/53 for 349 yards and 2 TD’s against the “#1 defense in the NFL”. Matt Stafford… 18/46 for 264 yards and a pick against a defense that ranks right around the middle of the league, currently at #12. Brian Hoyer completes better than 50% of his passes at the very least… and he finds a way to put the ball in the fucking end zone. Plus, he is able to connect with his #1 receiver (despite not having a viable #2) more than four times in ten targets. Calvin Johnson had four catches for 58 yards Sunday… Josh Gordon, who was returning from a ten week suspension, had eight catches for 120 yards. Was Hoyer’s stat line impressive Sunday? Hell no… he went 23/40 for 322 yards and three picks… but his team WON THE GAME, and they actually found the end zone. The Lions? First time since 1993 that this team was held out of the end zone in back-to-back games. That’s right… even in the 0-16 year of 2008… they weren’t held without a TD in back-to-back games. Congratulations Stafford, you’re worse than Jon Kitna/Dan Orvlovsky (our current backup, by the way)/Drew Stanton/Daunte Culpepper!
If it were simply a matter of nobody ever being open or guys dropping key passes I would not be as concerned… but Stafford is missing wide open people and by a LOT! Yeah, he had some drops go against him… so did Brady… so does EVERY NFL QUARTERBACK! Stafford is being put in a position to succeed by OC Joe Lombardi… and he is failing to get the job done. At what point is it no longer wrong of me, as a Lions fan, to hope this guy has some form of career ending injury so we can go find a quarterback that can win in this league? This guy is fucking terrible.
Elsewhere in the NFC North, the Bears beat the Bucs 21-13 in Lovie’s return to Chicago. They are now 5-6 heading into the Thanksgiving Day game at Ford Field against the Lions. The Packers outlasted the Vikings 24-21 to take over sole possession of first place in the division. Turns out Aaron Rodgers might have known what he was talking about a month ago when he told everybody to “just relax” in Green Bay! On the plus side, the Pack gets the red hot Patriots in Lambeau this week! Keep it going, Pats, and help us out a bit after giving us that kind of spanking!
Before I completely leave the Lions, I would like to just publicly say that what Dominic Raolia did at the end of the game in cut blocking Patriots DL Zach Moore was complete and total bullshit. Classless move out of a guy who has done a lot of stupid shit over his undistinguished career here in Detroit. Eat a dick, Dom… and if you don’t like the score, put some fucking points on the board next week. The thought of a professional sports team acting like little twats over “running up the score” is just ludacris.
ATTENTION ALL 2008 DETROIT LIONS: Rod Marinelli, Jon Kitna, Dan Orlovsky, Drew Stanton, Dante Culpepper, Megatron, Raolia, Backus, etc… your place in history is safe for another year! You are still the only 0-16 team in NFL history following the Raiders win over the Chiefs last Thursday night! Uncap your Miller High Life (it’s the champagne of beers, you know)… get together and celebrate!
Around the rest of the league: The Cowboys and Eagles remain tied atop the NFC East heading into their Thanksgiving Day matchup as both teams win on Sunday. The 4-7 Falcons remain in a first place tie with the 4-7 Saints in the God awful NFC South… the Panthers are second at 3-7-1, with the Bucs still in contention at 2-9!
The Cardinals maintained their NFC West lead despite a loss to the Shehawks out in Seattle this week. They remain two games ahead of Seattle, as the Seahawks prepare for a Thanksgiving Day matchup with their rivals down in cheese and wine country. Both the 49ers and Hawks sit at 7-4 going into the game in San Francisco this week.
Over in the AFC, the Pats hold a commanding three game lead in the East, while the Colts are two games up on the 5-6 Texans in the South. Out West, the Broncos are just a game up on the Bolts and Chiefs, both of whom sit at 7-4. In the AFC North, the entire division sits at 7 wins, with the Bengals on top thanks to their one tie!
Before I leave the NFL, just want to send my best wishes to Chiefs S Eric Berry, who doctors discovered had a mass in his chest after Thursday night’s loss to Oakland. Scary, scary stuff… and we’re all hoping for the best possible outcome here.
Over in college ball, we didn’t have many major upsets this weekend… Ole Miss went down to Arkansas, which hurts the SEC’s resume, but that’s really about it. Shouldn’t really be a ton of movement as far as the playoff race goes.
After beating Duke last Thursday night, evidently the celebration got a bit out of hand for the Tar Heels of North Carolina… causing thousands of dollars in damage. Evidently some idiot brought some spray paint, and walls and carpet were damaged. Just remember this shit when your piss poor program is on probation (again) UNC… that hammer is coming your way soon!
I'll leave you with this song... it's been stuck in my fucking head all week since watching a few minutes of We Are Marshall last Thursday... enjoy, and welcome to my hell:
That’s all I’ve got for today ladies and gents. Thanks as always for reading and for any comments you leave on the way out! Enjoy the short work week Gabbers, and I hope you and yours have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the long awaited return of the YouGabSports Turkey Bowl, presented by IHateMillen. This year, we’ve assembled 32 of the biggest douchebags, assholes, jerks, and just all around jokes in the world of sports here at beautiful JerryWorld, home of the world’s biggest jumbo-tron and ego. As part of this agreement, Jerry Jones will not be a part of this year’s 32-man tournament, and we get to use the facilities for free! Best yet, all members of the major sports media, ESPiN, FOX, CBS, and NBC, have been banned from entry here.
Before we begin the night’s festivities, let us take a moment to honor America. Tonight’s flag bearers are the Gab’s very own proud veterans: ScottJax, B.O.B., and OlHarry, who is accompanied by his Marine daughter. Thank you all for your service to this country:
Tonight’s first bout is scheduled for one fall. As is the case with every Turkey Bowl fight, there are no rules, no regulations, and the fight goes until one fighter can no longer continue. Starting the evening off is a Turkey Bowl winner in Alex Rodriguez, as he faces baseball’s young upstart douchebag Yasiel Puig. Puig has done some pretty stupid things in his limited time in the Biggs… but he’s nowhere near dry humping himself in the mirror status just yet.
Well ladies and gentlemen this is what we’ve been waiting for. Puig is a young man with impressive power and all five tools. He faces a man once thought to be baseball’s next big thing in Alex Rodriguez, who has been dogged by rumors and just finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs all this time. Of course, he waited until after the ink was dried on his contract extension to do so!
As the bell rings, Rodriguez makes the fight’s first move, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. Puig is a bit surprised by this move, waiting to see what his opponent will do next. Rodriguez pulls out a wad of cash, more American dollars than his opponent has ever seen, seeming to say there’s more where that came from. With all the well-documented legal battles Puig is involved in stemming from his Cuban defection, you wonder if he’ll lay down for A-Rod here. Sure enough, it looks like an agreement has been reached between the two, and Rodriguez will move on to the next round. This is just the kind of thing you hate to see… what a disgrace this guy is both to the game of baseball and the death match world. Rodriguez moves on, and Puig gets to settle a few legal issues. He saves his pretty face for the fists of his next opponent.
Up next, another former Turkey Bowl Champion takes the ring as LeBron James faces off with a man he has a sordid history with, former Pacer and current Hornet Lance Stephenson. LeBron’s douchebaggery is well documented world-wide… but what about Stephenson you ask? Well, before he was blowing in LeBron’s ear during the playoffs, Stephenson was raping classmates in high school (allegedly), and pushing women down stairs later on (allegedly). We’ll see if the young, hungry Stephenson really has what it takes to go toe to toe with Jesus Christ in a headband, LeBron James… the man who has “saved” Cleveland simply by coming home.
As this bout begins, Stephenson seems to be on top of his game and in the head of James, who looks like he wants no part in an actual fight. Stephenson lands a few rights, now a left, and, what’s this? That Cleveland Cavs fan that burned his LeBron James jersey after “the Decision” comes running down to the ring, wearing his newly purchased LeBron Cavs jersey… and he’s going after Stephenson. LeBron takes advantage of the distraction and grabs a steel chair, scrambling what little is there of Lance Stephenson’s brains and picking up a round one win.
Coming up next, we’ve got the highly anticipated matchup of the Sherriff Roger Goodell, who looks to cover his own ass as he takes on Ray Rice, the man he suspended indefinitely from the game he loves so very much. Roger is not the favorite of most people… but who will this crowd of feminists that has gathered at ringside side with… a man who had zero intention of pushing their agenda in Goodell, or a man who cold cocked one of their fellow ovary carriers on that Atlantic City elevator? All I know is, this is one ugly scene here at ringside… literally. All these broads, and not a looker in the bunch!
To kick the match off, Goodell begins scolding Rice on behavior “unbecoming of an NFL player”. Rice soon tires of this act, and begins beating Goodell as if he were his fiancée. But Goodell is no dummy, he brought the NFL’s PR team to ringside with him, and he plans on using them. A distraction from a pair of lawyers gets Roger back on top, and it looks like he’s going to cruise to a win here. But wait, what the hell is this? It’s DeMaurice Smith… he puts Goodell in his patented Lockout submission maneuver! Roger has no choice, he’s got to tap, and Ray Rice moves on to our next round.
Coming up next, two overhyped, overachievers take the ring as Johnny Manziel, backup NFL quarterback, takes on Jameis Winston, future backup NFL quarterback. Whose douchebaggery will reign supreme on this night? We’ll find out as tonight’s action continues:
These two young men are known for avoiding the big hit, but tonight, they look to land the big hit on one another as Johnny Football takes on Jameis Winston here at Turkey Bowl 2014. Johnny and Jameis start things off by exchanging immature gestures… Johnny throws up his little money sign, while Jameis stands on the top ropes and yells “Fuck her right in the pussy” so everybody can hear what a massive douche he is. Each young man owns a Heisman Trophy, so the next few moments break down into what is nothing more than a pose-off. Johnny takes a moment to go out and talk to his celebrity entourage, which includes Justin Bieber for some strange reason. This provides Jameis with the opening he needs, as he is able to lock in a single leg Boston Crab on Manziel… Manziel has no escape, and taps out, giving the big win to Jameis Winston. Looks like the curse of Bieber strikes again!
Next up, two of the biggest douchebags ever to meet in the first round of the Turkey Bowl extravaganza as Dick Sherman prepares to square off with Kobe Bryant. Dick made headlines many times with impressive feats of douchebaggery since the 2013 NFL playoffs… but he cuts one hell of a promo, doesn’t he? Kobe has run everyone off in LA, and is now going it alone with a virtual army of nobodies leading a terrible Lakers squad. Sherman definitely has the edge on trash talking, as he unleashes a barrage of barbs upon Kobe to begin the festivities. Kobe, never one to back down, returns fire, and the two get the fight underway. No flopping here folks, there are no NBA refs in this arena. Eventually, Dick Sherman’s youth wins out and Kobe is defeated. After the match, Sherman finds the most easily startled reporter at ringside and screams “I am the best fighter in the game, when you try me with a sorry fighter like Kobe that’s the result you gonna get”.
With Kobe gone now we move on to our next matchup, and it’s one with a lot of bad blood involved… Ryan Braun brings his performance enhanced brand of rage into the ring against the best chemist in the game, Anthony Bosch. Bosch sold Braun out after supplying him with the goods. Unless Bosch took some of his own “medicine”, there is only one realistic outcome to this fight. Sure enough, like a walk off blast, Braun makes short work of the sellout, and moves on to round number two.
Next up, a matchup that features a ton of swagger… Floyd Mayweather Jr. faces an opponent that will actually fight back… unlike his baby mama… Swaggy P, otherwise known as Nick Young. I’m honestly not sure why he calls himself this… or what in God’s name it means… but that is apparently the man’s chosen nickname. Much like what a drunk Nick Young claimed he’d do to Iggy’s ass on TMZ, Floyd does to Swaggy P here, using that million dollar punch to move on to the second round.
Coming up next, we’ve got another pair of abusive pieces of shit squaring off… one likes to abuse children, the other likes to damn near kill a porn star. Adrian Peterson hits the ring to face off with MMA fighter and current inmate War Machine, who was granted special privilege to come out here in hopes that someone would beat the living hell out of him! AD gets things started when he pulls a switch out and starts to whoopin’ War Machine. Evidently AD doesn’t know when to stop, because he stops too damn soon here, and the War Machine goes on the attack. It might not be as easy as working over Christy Mack, but War Machine does just enough damage to pick up the win over Adrian Peterson. This piece of garbage moves on to our next round.
We’re halfway through the first round of Turkey Bowl 2014, and we’ve seen some big names come and go. A-Rod, LeBron James, Ray Rice, Jameis Winston, Richard Sherman, Ryan Braun, Floyd Mayweather, and now War Machine represent the first eight to make the leap to round number two.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are receiving word of a developing situation out in the parking lot area… we now go to a live feed out there where it appears the members of the assembled sports media, including members of the ESPiN, FOX, and NBC Sports teams are now becoming involved in some sort of altercation out there. Tempers have boiled over, and now it seems they will all have a go at one another out there. Chris Berman gets his back, back, back, back broken in at least five places as this thing really starts to turn ugly. It is fairly clear that NBC and FOX have agreed to some sort of alliance in order to get the upper hand on the “Worldwide Leader”, as now Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayliss are now out of commission. Somehow, Stephen A. Smith seems to have been castrated here… it looks like Terry Bradshaw just kicked Skip Bayliss right on the bottom jaw, causing this unfortunate disaster!
Jalen Rose seems to have talked his way into a corner with Howie Long and Michael Strahan, as the two make quick work of his puny frame and poor grammar skills! ESPiN is in some serious trouble ladies and gents. Even the ladies are getting into the action… Erin Andrews thought it was an appropriate time to stop and talk about digestive health with her former colleague Hannah Storm… but Hannah has none of it as she uses a trident to get a firsthand look at the innards of Mrs.Andrews. After the dust settles, the ESPiN crew lays in a battered, broken pile. Stewart Scott is over in the corner holding a football he thinks is Chris Berman’s head, but otherwise the entire ESPiN noise machine has been silenced. The FOX and NBC sports teams are victorious, as they execute the before-fight promise to sacrifice that smarmy little windbag Bob Costas to their Gods (Murdoch and Burke)as tribute for victory. Now that’s what you call a win all the way around!
Over on the other side of the parking lot, there is a suspicious looking vehicle with the windows rolled up and what looks like four men sitting inside. Our cameras zoom in to find four guys who were scheduled to fight tonight… Josh Gordon, LeGarrette Blount, LeVeon Bell, and Justin Blackmon all sitting in there, apparently passing around a blunt! As smoke billows out of the car, the four men get out and just sort of wander off… well, it looks like a new record for this year’s Turkey Bowl… no NFL wide redivas make an appearance!
Next up, we’ve got Sidney Crosby taking on fellow NHL douchebag Brad Marchand. We’ll see how the face of the league fares against one of the dirtiest pieces of shit, on and off the ice, in the league today. Crosby starts thing off by surprising the entire audience by actually fighting and not ducking out of the way… incredible. Marchand is no stranger to the pugilistic arts, and returns fire. Once Marchand gains the upper hand, he beats Crosby like a casino security guard, gaining the victory and then stripping down to his birthday suit while yelling “I am above the law”!
In our next fight, we’ve got two of the biggest douchebags in all of college sports, as championship coaches square off when Nick Saban meets John Calipari. Will Calipari live up to his one-and-done reputation tonight? Saban is much better known for winning the big one, but he is also well known for being a crybaby and an asshole. Saban is on fire as we get things underway, and he looks like he’ll cruise to an easy win… but suddenly his cell phone rings. His face lights up and he quickly jots something down and runs from the ring… leading to a count out win for Calipari. Calipari picks up the note that Saban left behind and it reads “Got a better offer from Dana White, so I’m gone. You knew what this was.” Can’t say I’m surprised by the guy’s lack of morality or loyalty here… but I am surprised to see John Calipari make it to the next round!
In the ring now, Jay Cutler prepares for his bout with the Brewers eccentric OF Carlos Gomez… a guy who has ruffled more than a few feathers in Major League Baseball with his youthful exuberance and lack of respect for the unwritten rules of the game. This Midwest showdown comes your way, right now! Cutler starts off well, landing a few glancing blows on Gomez, who seems more interested in showing off than he is in winning this fight. But, sure enough, Cutler telegraphs his next few punches and is intercepted… and Gomez takes full advantage. He’s even got time to stand there and watch his own handiwork on the jumbo screen above as he polishes off the Bears QB… Carlos Gomez makes it to round two.
If you didn’t expect many NHL players to make this tournament, you were misled. Another all-NHL matchup comes your way now, with Patrick Kane facing off with career douchebag Matt Cooke. Cooke seems to have the edge here… his dirty tactics have drawn the ire of fans for years now. But don’t underestimate Patrick Kane… turn your back on him and he’ll drop you like a disgruntled cab driver! While Kane puts up one hell of a fight, it is Cooke who moves on to our next round after yet another douchy knee-to-knee hit to Kane, which puts him down for the count.
If you thought the Seahawks-49ers rivalry couldn’t get any bigger, you were wrong! Right now, Seahawks coach Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with a guy who just doesn’t seem to “get it”… 49ers OLB Aldon Smith. Smith has a huge size and athleticism advantage, and Carroll seems to be at a gigantic disadvantage… truly a David vs. Goliath style match here. Things start out predictably, as Smith has a clear early advantage over Carroll… he’s being tossed around like the quarterbacks Aldon Smith terrorized before being suspended for the entire first half plus of this NFL season. Suddenly, the department of homeland security arrives and ushers Aldon Smith off to a “private screening area”. Smith will most definitely be counted out here… seems like he still hasn’t learned a damn thing from last summer’s incidents… you just don’t call in fake bomb threats. Smith gets himself another body cavity search from the blue gloves, and Carroll finds a way to move on to our next round in a shocking upset!
Up next, a couple of racist tools take the ring as Percy Harvin faces off with embattled former Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Harvin has the obvious physical advantage here… just better hope he doesn’t come down with another migraine… or turf toe… or nobody breathes on him! Harvin looks like he’s ready to fight here, angry with Sterling over his alleged racism, when suddenly he sees Blake Griffin in the front row, and takes the time to hang over the top ropes and yell a few things at him about not being black enough. While this is going on, Sterling, clearly suffering from some sort of early-stage dementia, wanders off and gets counted out. Harvin celebrates his victory, but suddenly gets blasted from behind by Griffin. Harvin moves on, but his head will be ringing from that shot as the next round closes in. The crowd goes wild for Griffin, who announces he must leave to go shoot another terrible commercial for some random product nobody needs.
This has been quite a night so far, with just two first round matches left to go. We’ve seen a lot of crazy shit thus far… and we’re sure to see even more in our next battle with two massive men hitting the ring. Professional jerk ass Richie Incognito (he sure as hell isn’t playing football anymore) faces off with a different kind of bully… the woman beating douchebag Greg Hardy of the Panthers. Incognito starts things off by resorting to his old tricks, mocking Hardy and his legal woes. Hardy goes into a rage, battering the bully with lefts and rights, but Incognito quickly shows Hardy that this abuse victim actually fights back, unlike the woman Hardy beat half to death and threatened with a pile of guns in his apartment (allegedly). Incognito clearly has the upper hand here, until suddenly Jonathan Martin appears, hitting Incognito, the man who bullied him out of Miami, with a steel chair and giving the momentum back to the woman beater, Greg Hardy. Hardy takes full advantage, and he’s moving on to the next round!
In our last first round matchup, massive asshat Dwight Howard faces off with flop master Dwyane Wade in what should be a real test of wills… the wills of everyone watching that is. Howard immediately starts off by crying to the referee, who is confused since he’s really only there in spirit! Howard doesn’t really seem to understand this, and he continues jawing at the ref. While he complains, Wade comes up behind Howard, who flails his arms out in frustration. Wade is nearly elbowed in the face… and flops over. The referee begins the ten count, and Wade continues to roll around on the ground. After ten seconds of this, Wade is out, and Dwight Howard becomes the final member of our 16-man contingent to make the second round of Turkey Bowl 2014!
As we move on to the second round, here is a list of upcoming mathcups:
A-Rod vs. Ryan Braun
LeBron James vs. Dwight Howard
Matt Cooke vs. Brad Marchand
Jameis Winston vs. Carlos Gomez
Dick Sherman vs. Percy Harvin
John Calipari vs. Pete Carroll
Tag Team Match: Mayweather/War Machine vs. Hardy/Rice
To kick off the second round, we’re going to have a tag team matchup between NFL spousal abusers Ray Rice and Greg Hardy and two fighters who take their aggressions out of the ring and into the home in Floyd Mayweather Jr. and MMA fighter War Machine. The special celebrity guest referee for this match will be Dog the Bounty Hunter… the man who was finally able to bring War Machine to justice after his run from the law. “I want a clean fight brah… go with Christ”. Rice and Hardy begin to argue over who has to get into the ring first, while Mayweather and War Machine argue over who gets to start off the match. To kick things off, the smaller duo of Mayweather and Rice face off. Rice doesn’t seem to want anything to do with this matchup, but he can’t outrun Mayweather. Eventually, Mayweather corners him and proceeds to knock the hell out of him with that famous right hook. Meanwhile, War Machine has had enough waiting, as he goes after Hardy on the outside. War Machine completely decimates Hardy, putting him through the Spanish announce table, and Mayweather continues to make short work of Ray Rice. Really sucks when somebody beats the hell out of you, doesn’t it Ray? Eventually, Dog the Bounty Hunter calls for the bell and this massacre is over… Floyd and War Machine advance to the “Elite 8” of sports douchebaggery.
Next up, Pete Carroll steps into the ring to face off with John Calipari… two guys who made a ton of money off the backs of college kids now need to make their money on their own. Coach Cal hears a rumor that this fight could very well be in violation of NCAA rules, but of course that’s never stopped him before. Still, he feels a strange wave of conscience come over him and attempts to tell the referee that he forfeits; but it seems that Pete Carroll got the jump on him. Despite the fact that he’s no longer an NCAA coach, he heard about potential sanctions and jumped ship before Calipari even had the chance out of pure instinct! Coach Cal moves on to the Elite 8 for a change and Pete Carroll backs his way out of trouble yet again!
Next up, two former teammates square off as Dick Sherman faces off with Percy Harvin. Harvin’s head is still ringing from the post-match beating he took from Blake Griffin, and Sherman is well aware. After an extensive amount of trash talking worsens Harvin’s migraine headache, Sherman seals the win with his Pick Six move. Dick Sherman moves on, and it looks like Percy Harvin is going to be out of action for another year or so… sorry Jets fans!
Next up, rape and crab leg enthusiast Jameis Winston faces off with the passionate Carlos Gomez. Both are fine athletes in the primes of their careers, and Gomez takes an early advantage. After getting Winston down, he proceeds to take a little too much time taunting Brian McCann, who is sitting at ringside for the fight. McCann decides he’s seen enough, and gets up to confront Gomez. Just then, Winston hits a blatant low blow, then once again locks in that Boston Crab maneuver. Gomez has no choice but to tap out… and once again the Boston Crab proves to be an effective weapon for Jameis. After the match, Jimbo Fisher joins Winston in the ring, holding his hand up high and claiming to be the one who taught him that maneuver.
In the next match, two men who are hated by fans, opponents, and teammates alike, as Matt Cooke takes on fellow ice-douche Brad Marchand. Something seems off right away, as Marchand is slurring his speech and stumbling around a bit. I just received word from an anonymous source that Marchand was just thrown out of Mo’s Tavern a few minutes ago after having a few too many Fred Lite’s and getting fresh with OlHarry. Cooke takes quick advantage, and moves on to our next round.
Next, we have Dwight Howard, who breezed through his last matchup against his first opponents’ former teammate, LeBron James. These two massive egos square off to become the NBA’s sole representative in the Elite 8. Early on, Dwight takes advantage of his size and reach advantage, pummeling the chosen one with right hooks and elbows. But LeBron turns things around by tossing talcum powder right into the big man’s eyes. Howard is completely helpless, and James shows a little killer instinct for a change and is able to finish things off like an uncontested dunk. James moves on, and as usual Dwight Howard falls short of his goal.
In our final Elite 8 matchup, two of the biggest shames to the game of baseball square off as Alex Rodriguez takes on Ryan Braun. Both men are linked to the Biogenesis scandal, and both were wronged by Dr. Anthony Boesh. Braun got his revenge earlier, while Rodriguez was able to defeat his unenhanced first round opponent, Yasiel Puig. This will be a truly performance enhanced matchup, and power will be at a premium. We’ll find out which man had the better chemist as the fight begins. Braun and Rodriguez start things off by denying their use of PEDs to one another… then Rodriguez flip flops a bit and admits to using something back in 2001 when he was in Texas. Braun remains steadfast… but Rodriguez cracks and admits that yeah, he might have used them when he was in New York, too. Braun seems conflicted… should he admit it, or should he continue to deny? As he ponders this, Rodriguez commences to the corner of the ring and proceeds to dry hump himself in the mirror his handlers set up for him before the match.
Braun quickly takes note of it, and knocks Rodriguez clean through the mirror, cutting him badly. The blood is everywhere, as this is beginning to look like an easy win for Braun. Braun continues the beating, when suddenly a windowless van drives into the arena. It’s A-Rod’s cousin… A-Rod’s cousin is back again! In the confusion, he slips something to A-Rod… Rodriguez injects the substance, and is reinvigorated by the injection. Braun is powerless to stop him as Rodriguez’s superior “skill” and “ability” is on full display. Showing the kind of power that Yankees fans hope for this season after a full year away from the game, Rodriguez overcomes his early troubles and is able to defeat Braun, proving that even after a year out of action, he’s still the biggest douchebag there is the sport!
We’re down to our last eight competitors… after two grueling rounds; Alex Rodriguez, LeBron James, Matt Cooke, Jameis Winston, War Machine, Floyd Mayweather, and John Calipari are all that remain in the race to see who the biggest piece of shit in all of sports is for the year 2014! Who has what it takes? Who will reach down the deepest and become our new champion? We’ll find out, coming up next!
Now we’re back, and in our first Elite 8 matchup, Matt Cooke faces off with college football’s biggest bad boy, Jameis Winston. Cooke has a clear fighting advantage here, as Winston is just a quarterback here. Cooke has been through a couple of wars already, while Winston has used his love of crab to move on in both rounds. Cooke will have to avoid distraction in order to get out of this one… and he’ll have to avoid that half-Boston Crab Winston has used in both his fights thus far. Cooke gets off to an emphatic start, going knee to knee on the Heisman winner. But Winston saw it coming, and with Cooke laying on the ground in pain, pulls out his steel knee pad and throws it out of the ring. After an elementary application of his now famed half Boston Crab, Cooke turtles and taps, and Jameis Winston is the first of the four participants to qualify for the Fatal Fourway to determine the 2014 Turkey Bowl Champion!
Up next, Dick Sherman hits the ring for his matchup with punkass pugilist Floyd Mayweather Jr. Mayweather has breezed through Swaggy P and the team of NFL woman beaters, but Sherman should be a real challenge for him. Sherman ducks a barrage of punches by Mayweather, landing a few jabs of his own before unleashing a barrage of verbal abuse towards Floyd. Suddenly, Sherman’s LOB teammates jump over the safety railing, entering the ring and backing up their leader. Earl Thomas hits Mayweather with a spear, and Lane and Maxwell follow up with a double powerbomb. All Sherman has to do is gloat as Mayweather lies in a pile. Sherman lives up to his earlier boasting, and he’s in the finale!
In our next fight, LeBron James is a huge underdog as he goes up against trained MMA fighter War Machine, who was allowed out of prison for the night in hopes that he would take a real beating. But, despite an initial switch beating at the hands of Adrian Peterson, he’s gone relatively unscathed so far. Before the fight can even begin, there is a commotion at ringside. James awaits his opponent inside the ring, but it seems something is wrong backstage. It seems that unlike his failed prison suicide attempt, War Machine has finally succeeded at something in his life, hanging himself from an air duct in the back. Seems nobody here at the Turkey Bowl cared enough to cut that piece of trash down this time around. LeBron avoids a beating, and the world is a better place without that sack of shit around.
We’re now down to our last semifinal match, with Alex Rodriguez facing off with Kentucky Wildcats head coach John Calipari. Coach Cal begins things by trying to tell a funny story about Anthony Davis’ eyebrow… but A Rod is having none of it. He finally sees a chance to win something legitimately, as Calipari is an easy opponent for him. For the first time since high school (allegedly), Rodriguez does things the right way, and easily defeats Calipari to move on to our finale!
So through three rounds of fighting we’ve whittled away 28 other contestants and we’ve got the four biggest douchebags in sports ready to battle it out to see who truly is #1! Former Turkey Bowl Champions LeBron James and Alex Rodriguez are odds on favorites, but Dick Sherman and Jameis Winston both have strong games when it comes to being a massive asshole. Will we crown a new champion, or will the wily veterans pick up yet another Turkey Bowl trophy? We find out right after this:
Ladies and gentlemen, we are back, and our main event is set to begin. Four men, one ring, one champion… a Fatal Fourway matchup to determine who is the biggest douchebag, piece of shit, fuckstick, ass-licking motherfucker in all of sports. As the bell rings our four competitors circle, each trying to get a feel for their opponents. LeBron makes the first move, taking Winston’s legs out, seemingly angry about the beating he gave his boy Johnny Manziel earlier in the night. Rodriguez and Sherman begin shoving and Sherman is trash talking as usual. Rodriguez hits him with a performance enhanced right hook, which knocks his jaw out of place! Finally someone has shut this guy the hell up! As Rodriguez continues pummeling Dick Sherman, Jameis has turned the tables on “King James”, and has him set up for the half Boston Crab again! LeBron goes for the talcum powder to the eye trick again, but Winston sees it coming and ducks out of the way. As James attempts to regain his composure, Winston climbs the ropes and hits him with a Crab Leg Drop. Rodriguez has eliminated Dick Sherman… and he turns his attentions to Winston, who is about to eliminate LeBron. Rodriguez makes the save, and the two former champions start to work together against the young upstart. With Sherman out, it’s up to Winston to ensure there is a new champion this time around.
Winston runs the ropes, and ducks under a double clothesline attempt by James and Rodriguez. Winston then lands a roundhouse to the back of A-Rod’s head, putting him down for the count. But LeBron takes advantage and puts Jameis up into what looks like a torture rack… a throwback to the days of Lex Luger! As James struts about the ring with Winston over his shoulders, Rodriguez is counted out. We’re now down to the final two folks! Winston is in a bad way as he begins to fade… it looks like LeBron James is going to become a two-time Turkey Bowl winner! All of a sudden on the big screen, a video plays of Tim Duncan and Greg Poppovich turning up the thermostat! James watches in horror, and works feverishly to try and get Winston to give up. Soon, the temperature rises, and suddenly James gets “them cramps” again.
Winston takes advantage and gets out of the hold, and James rolls around on the mat. Jameis, never one to pass up the opportunity to take advantage of someone or something, locks in the half Boston Crab once again… and James immediately starts tapping out! Jameis Winston has done it! Jameis Winston is the Turkey Bowl champion!
We now go live to ringside with Jameis Winston, who is joined by Coach Jimbo Fisher.
IHM: Jameis, how does it feel to know you are the single biggest piece of shit in the world of sports today? Of all the douchebags out there, you are #1!
Winston: “If I’m-a do it then, I’m-a do it big”
IHM: Right… so how does it feel knowing that despite “allegedly” being a rapist, thief, and dumber than a fucking rock that you’ve overcome all the odds and proven yourself here on this stage?
Jimbo: This interview is over.
So as Jimbo Fisher ushers Jameis out of the arena with his newest trophy in tow, we say goodnight to all of you. Thanks to everybody out there for doing stupid things and making this so very easy for me! As they say in my old neighborhood… play stupid games, win stupid prizes!