Back from my roadie to Tahoe.  The gambling sucked deep fried monkey balls.  Hell, Mrs. Fan made more money on the penny machines than I lost on the crap and blackjack tables, as well as the video poker.   Damn tables!

Well, a little long as usual, but those are my thoughts.  Let me leave you with a little more Sammy on your way out...Peace.

Question of the Week.    Is sports better now that you have 24/7 coverage of Baseball, or was it better when we as kids only had the NBC Saturday Game of the Week and Monday Night Baseball?  I say back in the day because it was more special.  Today, we’re all spoiled.

Music Pick of the Week – Foreigner!   

1.  March Madness to April Sadness.    As far as I am concerned this is where moral victories count.   Hey Butler, hold your head high, you did everything you could possibly do and then some.  When sports historians look back at CBB for 2010, they won’t remember Kook University winning it all, they’re gonna remember tiny little Butler and just how close they came!

I guess now with Butler’s run, perhaps it’s the time for the NCAA to start putting more second place teams from mid-majors, rather than eighth place teams from large conferences into the tournament.  Just a thought…

2.  MLB.   I read where Nolan Ryan expects 92 wins out of the Texas Rangers provided that there aren’t critical injuries and players don’t underperform.  Duh!!!  I’d expect 92 wins out of that team as well – if they don’t then heads should roll.

Curt Schilling being hired as a baseball analyst for ESPN?  What boys, not enough egos there already?  Now Nomah is one too?  Damn ESPiN, if you weren’t already in the tank for the Sawx, you are now.

What are the Oakland A’s doing?  Cutting their leading power hitter, Jack Cust is stupid – he’s only averaging 27 HR’s per season over the three that he’s been a major leaguer.  Hey Jack, step down to the minors and come back with a vengeance.  When you do and your contract is up, stick it to ‘em.

Opening Day has shown me that hitters are so far ahead of pitchers right now that its pretty amazing. 

3.  NHL.  So San Jose righted the ship a little, then goes out and gives up a 2-0 lead over the Avs, lose in overtime and gives the President’s Trophy to Washington.  Wake up boys!!!

4.  NBA.   The Milwaukee Bucks losing Andrew Bogut on a brutal crash to the floor sucks, not only for Bogut and the Bucks, but for the NBA who is in desperate need for something new and fresh. 

The New Jersey Nets want Jeff Van Gundy to be their new Head Coach?  That’s just stupid!  This guy’s defensive philosophies as well as lack of an offensive philosophy have put the clampdown on what the NBA is famous for – showtime offenses.  It’s bad enough that the NBA is scripted, but this kind of play has made the NBA downright boring.

Monta Ellis of the Golden State Warriors complaining that he doesn’t get the respect that he feels he should, while trashing Stephen Curry.  Monta, you play for the Warriors, how much respect should you get?  Remember, it is the NBA.  You have great game, but your mouth is your own biggest enemy.  Please hunker down, play ball, shut your cake-hole, lead by example, and get your team to the playoffs, then you’ll get the respect back that you lost when you started acting like a diva, no BITCH!

Well its April, so that means Mr. X (aka Phil Jackson) is trying to continue his yearly drive to manipulate the zebras by complaining about officiating.  Interestingly enough, this season the NBA FINALLY rose up and fined this pompous jackass $35,000 for running it.  I can't believe it myself, but it looks like Stu Jackson finally grew a set and stood up to that whiny little bitch in LA!

5.  NFL.   So the union is advising its players to save 60% of their pay for their personal expenses should the NFL pull the lockout card in 2011?  It would be the dumbest thing to do if the NFL locks out.  It’s cliché, but billionaires fighting with millionaires on how to split money isn’t gonna sit well with most fans who are just barely eeking out an existence in this economy, yet looking to football as a short diversion from their own real problems.

The Washington Redskins backfield sure is getting crowded, isn’t it?  Clinton Portis, Larry Johnson, and now Willie Parker?  I know Mikey the Rat likes to run the ball, but three runners?  Of course, all three RB’s have histories of injuries.  Perhaps they can combine to make one full season!  Oh yeah Mikey, you’d better upgrade that O-Line.

While we’re on the Redskins, picking up McNabb was a great accomplishment, outright theft, and a violation of the Eagles spinchter!   I guess now the Dead-skins go with a O-Lineman at #4.  Now that Jimmy Clausen smack can stop.

Hey San Francisco 49ers, you white wine sipping freaks running the show couldn’t put together a better deal than what the Foreskins gave up for McNabb?  Hey John York (owner of the 49ers), 7-9 and 8-8 for the 49ers year in and year out SUCKS and is UNACCEPTABLE!  You are the asshole who single-handedly destroyed a 20 year NFL dynasty and are doing nothing to get your team back to respectability – Pull your head out of your ass!!!  What’s next, emulating the Raiders? 

Props to the Dallas Cow-patties for getting rid of Flozell Adams.  There was no way that they could keep this guy, he is just too heavily penalized and his skills have eroded to the point that he had to result to constant holding and cheap shots which injure defensive players and damn near starting brawls. 

6.  NFL Draft.  We’ve heard a lot about various names popping up, but until last week I haven’t heard much about Colt McCoy.  Personally, I think that he (along with Toby Gearhart) may just be the most ready right now for the jump to the NFL.  The knock on McCoy was his lack of arm strength, but let me ask this question, if he gets put into a west coast type system, arm strength isn’t required because its mostly “deek and dunk”.  So why the concern?

Douche Bag of the Week .    As usual, take your pick. 

(1)   Bakersfield DA for not pursuing charges against Joey Porter.  Guess its OK to be DUI, rolling up on a cop who has somebody pulled over, then run smack at said cop.

(2)   Cleveland Browns DE Shawn Rogers getting busted at an airport for having a loaded weapon (with a bullet in the chamber no less) in his carry on luggage, and then pleading NOT GUILTY?

(3)  Washington Redskins RB Larry Johnson saying that all he needs is a coach who cares.  No Larry, what you need is to shut your mouth and execute on the field.

(4)  Kevin Garnett (aka - Bitter Old Bastard).  Not only is BOB fined $25,000 for complaining about officiating and how many times Kevin Durant went to the foul line against the Celtics.  Hey KG, I didn’t hear you complaining when you received that “superstar treatment”!   

Then, this Einstein has the audacity to get in the face of and run smack at LBJ and the Cavs like he’s gonna punk them out.  KG, the C’s might have won the game, but it took Ray Allen to bail your defensive lapse having ass out.  LBJ was running around, through, and over you.  You really need to shut it!

Well, there it is for another Tuesday.  Wednesday and Thursday Mrs. Fan and I are going to Lake Tahoe to celebrate our 22^nd anniversary.    Peace to you all.  Figuring I gave you all double vision after all these rants, check out one more from Foreigner...

Music Pick of the Week – AC/DC!   With so much D-baggery going on out there in the sports world, I feel like I’m getting ready to explode.  HIT IT:

1.  Golf.  How can I put this succinctly – F**K YOU TIGER WOODS, you disingenuous little bastard!!!  I don’t give a damn who or what you did (that’s between you, your wife, and your conscience), but to disrespect the game of Golf and the other players who will have to go through this media shitstorm on Golf’s greatest stage is disgraceful.   How dare you disrupt the Masters!   

2.  Derek Anderson to the Arizona Cardinals.  Could it be that this cat is gonna throw for 3000 yards in that offense?  I hope DA starts to hook up with Fitzgerald, Breaston, et al and get their timing and down (and not just during OTA’s).  Hollywood Leinart sure as hell ain’t gonna get it done!!!  Speaking of which, I’m wondering if all of his Hollywood buddies have ditched him since he’s no longer big time!  Hey Matt, way to piss away your talent.  Hey Matt, I hear there’s an opening with the new UFL team in Sacramento (uh, never mind, we don’t want you up here!).

3.  NFL Draft.   Mike Holmgren got smart and announced that he’s not interested in Jimmy Clausen, or at least not in drafting him that high, and he includes the second round as being “too high”.  While Clausen seems to have a lot of the physical tools, there are also lots of questions about Clausen’s maturity, leadership, and decision making.  I doubt that Holmgren would seriously ask veterans and fans to put their trust in a kid who struggled in a leadership role at Notre Dame while enroute to a three year record of 16-21.  Hey Cleveland, if you absolutely have to have a “Domer”, go get Golden Tate!

4.  NFL Overtime.  Can the NFL go back to the old way?  In the regular season, you play a fifth quarter and if you were still tied, then the game ended as a tie.  As for the playoffs, play a seven and a half-minute quarter, if the score is still tied, you keep going.  Man up, you don’t see hockey players whining if they have to play extra. 

5.  NBA.   If you’re looking something new and fresh in the NBA, look no further than the Milwaukee Bucks, whom I readily admit that I know little about.   You look at the roster and say, “huh?”, yet this team has 38 wins and appears to have locked up the #5 seed in the East.  Jennings is good, Bogut is rapidly improving, Salmons has taken the team to the next level, and Skiles has this tem clicking.  But hey, don’t take my word for it, just watch ‘em – they could be the team nobody wants to face come playoff time.

Antoine Walker you are in some serious trouble.  Owing casinos money on a payment plan in order to stay out of jail, the City of Chicago coming after you for being a slum lord (allegedly), and your financial advisor screwing you over?   Worst of all, your boys abandoning you when the Gravy Train came to a halt.  I truly hope you’ve learned and can get yourself right.     

5.  MLB.  If Elijah Dukes was released by the Washington Nationals (of all teams), does that mean that he’s completely fallen off the map?  This is truly a waste of God-given talent.  Yeah, he brought most of it on himself, but it’s still sad to see.  Speaking of the Nationals, moving Strasburg down to AA is absolutely the right move.  Yeah, I know he’s getting tons of money, but it’s absolutely the right thing to do.  Bring him up in September and let’s see what he can do then, perhaps he can be a spoiler to some other team in the playoff chase. 

MLB has told the Yankees, Red Sox, and Dodgers to pick up the pace during games.  Yeah right!  These three aren’t gonna listen to that.   Why?  Because they have the vast majority of baseball fans, and those fans don’t care about speed of games if they continue to win!  Oh yeah, these three also generate the most revenue for MLB, so they’re all in the very enviable position to tell MLB to STFU.   

6.  San Jose Sharks.   Damn boys, not only are you losing games, now you lose every fight that you get into?  Look, stop taking beatdowns and win some freaking games, alright?

7.  College Football - Oregon AD Mike Bellotti leaving for ESPN.  Great Coach caught in a really bad situation.  Guess having to genuflect to Phil Knight at Nike day isn’t nearly as great a job as he thought it might be.   It will be hard to bring in a quality AD to clean that mess up.

8.  March Madness.   Eff the brackets, I’m enjoying the heck out of this years madness.  Who’d have thought that an Ivy League school would have outlasted six of the eight teams representing the Big East?  Hey Big East, how’d the first two rounds taste?  Right about now it sucks to be you!  Northern Iowa?  St. Mary’s?  Cornell?

Since most of us are ass-out on our brackets, now we can kick back and enjoy the tourney.  I’m taking a hard look at Kansas State.  I didn’t think they were THIS good.  This kid Pullen has got some unreal skills!  Not only that, this team is a bunch of bruisers.  They will be a tough out and I don’t think Xavier has the horses. 

Question of the Week.    Wrestlemania – who wins, The Undertaker or Shawn Michaels?

Douche Bag of the Week.    Take your pick:

(1)  Ron Washington admitting to Coke usage during last season, and as a player.     

(2)  Joe Montana for saying that Brett Favre will come back and that he’s only playing this game so he can miss training camp.  Well no shit Sherlock!

(3)  Cliff Lee of the Seattle Mariners (still getting used to that) being suspended for five games to start the regular season for throwing over a batters head – in an exhibition game?

(4)  Hey AFD, I heard ya.  Jalen Rose.  Dude, your bowtie is on too tight!  Stop running your pie-hole about a team whose records were erased from the record books due to booster douche-baggery.

(5) Jesse James.  OK this isn’t sports related, but allegedly cheating on Sandra Bullock?   Damn dude, did doing those stunts on your show mess  up your mind?  Again, not my business, but to give up on her?  

Hey Gabbers, drop some comments on the way out while you’re enjoying the boys.  Peace!

Let me start by saying that if you haven't already heard, Big Toke went into the hospital for some surgery.  I hope he is alright, and my thoughts and prayers are with you Toke!  Hey Gabbers, a lot of us know him, so let's step up our game!  I'm gonna try here:  

My jacked-up state is going through an election for Governor and as usual, the normal bunch of lying, criminal, and weasley d-bags were nominated.  Let me nominate somebody who I KNOW can clean up this state and get the job done.   Now, I know the Terminator couldn’t do the job, so how ‘bout the ultimate badass:

Hey Chuck, would you please go “Walker, Texas Ranger” all over Sacramento and arrest and/or beat the living shit out of every single corrupt freaking politician in this damn state so we can start over?  Bring Trivette and Cahill in her mini-skirt too!  Hell, dig up C. D. Parker’s dead ass too - this state needs all the help it can get!

Now time to bust out some sports takes:

1.  Ben Roethlisberger, what the hell are you thinking and why are you trolling the college club scene (which by the way are havens for underage-ers)  for a hookup?  Man, I’m trying hard to keep an open mind, but it appears that this dude is intent on dragging his name through the mud.  My man, free piece of advice – stay the fuck out of the clubs, and if you’re gonna knock some boots, find a very discreet and willing MILF.  Either that, or…

Which at this point may not be a bad option for ya!  I’m not saying your guilty, but ALLEGEDLY doing something to a girl in a bathroom?  Just because there’s a song out there whose lyrics include “I once got busy in a Burger King Bathroom”, it doesn’t mean you have to take the lyrics of the Humpty Dance too literally. 

C’mon man, wake up before it’s too late! 

2.  Real NFL.  A. J. Smith, GM of the San Diego Chargers is pissing me off.  I don’t mind that he traded Antonio Cromartie, but to the New York Jets of all teams?  What, getting punked by the Jets in the playoffs wasn’t enough, you have to go and trade him to a team whose one and only issue on defense was a CB to play opposite Revis?  If the Jets can do anything to further improve their offense this offseason, I would have a hard time finding any team in the AFC who could keep up with them.  At least the Chargers were smart enough to keep Darren Sproles, but he’d better get somebody to replace LaDanian Tomlinson, who it’s my hope will be picked up by another team (Hint – Miami Dolphins or San Francisco 49ers!).   

3.  AFL.  The Arena Football League is back and it's damn cool with me!  It’s slimmed down and that was a smart move.  I know, it probably isn’t much of a hit elsewhere, but it’s not a bad product.  Playing in April, May, June, and July is just as smart,  and with the NFL Network agreeing to carry it, it just might work this time, provided they resist the temptation of trying to go “big time” again.  At least it’s something to watch in the late spring into Summer!

4.  NBA.   I’m going to be very interested to see how things shake out in the West with the much improved Dallas Mavericks.  I intensely dislike Mark Cuban, but not as much as David Stern does, so let’s not think that these guys are finals material.  But these guys can definitely put a scare into the Lakers and make Stern squirm.  The key will be having the ability to rest Jason Kidd and Dirk Nowitzki on occasion. 

5.  MLB.  Way to go SF Giants and Barry Zito.  Plunking the Sta-Puf Marshmallow Man (err, Prince Fielder) in retaliation for some celebration stuff last year is only gonna piss him off and he’s gonna go ape shit all over you during the regular season.  At least we’ll have some good action when things get boring this Summer!

6.  NHL.  San Jose Sharks.  Nice job Sharks!  By beating the Habs then winning a thriller against Columbus, you’ve extended your home winning streak to 11.  With Nashville and Florida next up in the Shark Tank, you should be able to keep on your roll.  Now, don’t blow that #1 seed in May dammit!

7.  Golf.   It’s hard to believe that Fred Couples is now playing on the “Champions Tour”.  Good to see he has two top three performances in his first two tournaments.  He’s always been a great golfer, and let’s hope that his back holds out and he can give some fans a good show!  With Tiger out, the Champions Tour may just be more entertaining that the regular PGA tour.

8.  College Football.   I’m intrigued by the hiring of Turner Gill at Kansas.  I was a big fan of his when he played at Nebraska and was pleasantly surprised when he was successful as a coach at Buffalo.  I hope he can calm the storm with the Jayhawks and return Jayhawk football to being competitive in the Big 12.  He’s got a lot of work to do after Mangino’s successful, yet borderline abusive tenure. 

9.  College Basketball.  St. Mary's surprise win over Gonzaga last night might have screwed a few other teams sitting on the bubble.  Can't wait to see how this shakes out on Sunday.  Could it be that the WCC gets more teams into the dance than the Pac-10?  For now, it’s enough to know that Maryland (of all teams) clinched a share of the ACC title, my Seminoles may just make it to the dance, and UCLA bit the big one this season! 

Question of the Week.    How many teams does the Big East get into the Dance?

Douche Bag of the Week.   The Police Department of Rahway, New Jersey.  It seems as though a family decided to build a snow-woman shaped like the Venus de Milo.  A loser who was offended by nudity complained to the Police, who actually went to the house and asked the owner to cover it up.  I swear I weep for the future of America…

http://www.myfoxny.com/dpp/news/offbeat/nude-snow-woman-100303-apx

Music Pick of the Week.   As with most people, I grew up listening to Journey.  The boys from the bay are the shit!  I have to tell you that they epitomize timeless music as even my kids have come to love their stuff.  As usual, let me leave you with a taste.

What Gabbers, I didn’t set the table enough for y’all?  “I want to hear from a Gabber – REACT!!!”… 

Welcome Gabbers to my humble abode.  Living in California is great (at least in my little corner of it), but dealing with the d-bags who run this state is another matter.  So let’s get this party started.

1.  Olympics.   Is there a chance that ESPiN will be taking over the Olympics in the future?  Only if we’re lucky!  True, ESPN is f-ed up, but not to the level of NBC, which is truly run by a bunch of confused little suits who are so far out of touch with real people that its nauseating.   

1A.  Hey Apolo Ohno, if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying, and its only cheating if you get caught.  You did, so stop whining about a judges decision to DQ you!  Damn dude, first you piss off South Korea by flopping, now Canada by making wild accusations about Canadian judges on behalf of Canadian skaters?  STFU dude, you’re a one man wrecking crew with respect to America’s relations to some of its only remaining friends!

2.  I’ve got some serious venom for the NFL here.  Did they seriously choose to have the Dallas Cowboys and Cincinnati Bengals face off in the Hall of Fame game the very year they enshrine two of the greatest players to ever play the game?  Damn NFL, by bringing together the Cincinnati Bungles (including Ocho Cinco’s smack running) and America’s Crackwagon (including meglomaniac Jerry Jones and his jacked-up group of despicable bandwagon fans) in one place at one time, you are inviting distractions that will take away from seven greats of yesteryear!  Memo to Canton, Ohio – Put your police on full alert during the 6^th through 8^th of August. 

3.  NBA.   As expected, the Washington Wizards bought out "Z" Ilgauskas, which means he’s free to return to Cleveland on or about 25 March, just in time for the playoff run, which in essence gives him a 30 day rest so he’ll be fresh for the playoffs.  Still think the NBA isn’t rigged?   

4.  MLB.  It’s too early to discuss baseball.  Ah, who am I kidding -

5.  Hockey.  Look, I'm not qualified to talk about this sport, but what’s left to say other than - Can it really be argued at this point what the most exciting sport is?  I don't care whose side you were on in that Canada/USA game, it was a great one!

6.  NASCAR.  Kinda old news which IHM touched on a little bit.  So Michigan’s NECKCAR track is banning smoking in grandstands, mezzanines, concessions, restrooms, suites and chalets at the track in Brooklyn in response to the new law going into effect May 1^st.  Hey necks, first the moonshine gets outlawed, now the smokes, what’s next?  Try that crap down south and the good ole boys will be rioting!

7.  Golf - The Phoenix Open.  Carry on ‘Zonies…I for one think it’s great to take out the stuffiness in Golf and let it get a little rambunctious.  It makes Golf look cool and fun.  Hell, why not have the 19^th Hole out in the Gallery or have some hot Arizona State co ed flash ‘em for a signature?  I’d love to catch a golfer taking a hit of somebody’s beer, or even running some smack and maybe having a little fun.  Where the hell is Steve Elkington?  John Daly was tailor-made for this event too!

8.  College Football.  Texas to the Big Ten?  Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my ass!  Hey Big Ten – come correct, go out and get West Virginia, a solid football and basketball school which can add competition to your non-competitive league!  Stop being douche bags and go out and do it!  Believe me, the Big East will survive without WVU!

Question of the Week.    Who should be the next team to enter the Big Ten (err, 11)?

Douche Bag of the Week.   Can anybody argue with my choice of Stephen A. Smith who referred to Tiger’s refusal to have reporters or discuss particulars as “punk and coward”?  Stephen A. Smith of all people calling out anybody is amusing while at the same time, pathetic. 

What Gabbers, I didn’t set the table enough for y’all?  “I want to hear from a Gabber – REACT!!!”…