Well folks, it's Monday, and it's time once again for Monday Mayhem with IHM. This week, there is no mayhem... there is an absolute fucking meltdown. Anybody out there reading this today who is easily offended, just get the fuck out of here right now. You've been warned.
I thought I was pissed off going into Sunday... I thought I had a nice little stable of things to rant and rave about for your amusement today. But then, this happened:
In all the years I have watched football, NFL, college, even fucking high school, I have never before seen a worse call, a bigger screw job, than I saw this afternoon. And to the fucking morons at FOX covering this game, including the former head of officiating for the NFL, take all your "process" talk and shove it up your fucking ass. If you honestly think that isn't a touchdown, I will call you either a Bears fan or a retard to your face. Control of the ball, both feet down, both knees down while maintaining possession, and he lets go of the ball after having control and possession, in bounds, for a good two seconds... and that's an incomplete pass? What the fuck is the point of even playing the game, sacrificing your own health and well being for a win if some fucking gash in stripes can just take an amazing play like that away from you, on some minor fucking technicality in the back of a rule book somewhere?
So, my first FUCK YOU of the day goes to Gene Steratore, referee for the game. You want a process... how about the process of my foot going up your ass?
Look, I know this was a piss poor call, and that the NFL will probably back up it's officials on this one, just as both Jim Schwartz and even Johnson already have... but people around Detroit here need to do one thing... quit fucking comparing this call to the call Jim Joyce made to screw Armando Galaragga out of a perfect game. There are two major fucking differences:
1. Joyce made a judgement call, a snap decision, without the benefit of instant replay. Jim Joyce didn't have the benefit of being able to sit under the hood for two fucking minutes watching the play over and over again before making the call. Joyce deserves a hell of a lot more credit than these tools on Sunday's officiating crew do, and at least he was man enough to admit he made a horse shit call after.
2. Joyce's call did not cost an entire team a win, and in the long run a playoff spot. Look, there are 162 games in the MLB season... 16 in the NFL season. Plus, Joyce's call did nothing but cost a young man a chance at a perfect game, not cost an entire team a hard fought victory.
Now, on to a few more fuck you's today... and we'll stick with the Lions' game. How about a big fuck you to Jeff Backus, the mammoth waste of a fucking contract that allowed Julius Peppers free fucking shot after free fucking shot at a $60 million dollar quarterback. Not only do I not understand how this piece of shit is still a starter in the NFL... how is he even collecting a paycheck from the Detroit Lions still after damn near ten years of the same piss poor performance? You know who would make for a better left tackle than Backus... ANY FUCKING BODY! I'd rather see some fat fuck off the street getting paid much less for the same result than this overrated, under performing bag of shit play another single down for the Detroit Lions. Fuck you Backus, you fucking failure. I wouldn't pay that fuckstick $5... let alone the unGODly amount they are paying him right now.
Stafford's out 4-6 weeks now, thanks a lot you fucking asshat.
My final fuck you from Sunday's game... how about the entire Lions offense? Calvin Johnson, especially. That defense played it's ass off the entire ballgame. They gave up some yardage, but they also forced four turnovers, and played with a short field most of the second half. Megatron (Johnson)... four catches for the ballgame isn't enough... especially when Stafford goes down. You need to earn that big time player rep you were given coming out of college my man... when the team needs you to step up, step the fuck up. As for the other four cats on that offensive line aside from Backus... fuck you all too. Two yards a pop doesn't cut it in an NFL game. When guys are getting dropped in the backfield every other play, whether it's your quarterback or your running back, you're obviously not getting the job done. Here's a memo to Martin Mayhew... next years' draft... get a new offensive line for fucks sake!
Now, on to the NFLPA, especially their show of "solidarity" from Thursday night, and in a few spots Sunday afternoon. Guess what, nobody fucking cares about millionaires fighting billionaires for, as our friend Lanz put it, ten fucking cents! Look, nobody gives a fuck about you as people... nobody cares what you do if you're not on the football field, lining it up on Sundays, going for a win for their team, or stats for their fantasy team these days. When the game is over and you head home at night, I could give a fuck less if you go bang your wife, do a line of blow, or beat off to the movie "Roadhouse". Quit pretending you are more than what you really are... replaceable parts in a moneymaking machine... well fucking paid parts I might add!
Look, the owners are where they are for a reason... they put the money on the line, they sign your paychecks... they make the profits. You are a contracted employee... YOU work for them, they don't work for you. If a cashier from the McDonalds down the street from me walked into their corporate offices and demanded his or her fair share of the company's profits... guess what they'd tell 'em... that's right, same thing the owners need to tell each and every one of you... FUCK OFF! As for your "show of solidarity", I can think of a different finger you can use, because that's pretty much what you are telling your fans every time you attempt to "enlighten us to your plight"...
Now let's move on to college football, namely the NCAA for starters. During the early games on Saturday, I stopped in on the Georgia-South Carolina game for a few minutes, and noticed the absence of Georgia's star WR A.J. Green from the ballgame. Apparently Green sold a game worn jersey he was given for $1,000... and for that, he loses four fucking games? Look, I'm not a fan of Georgia... especially not their douchebag of a head coach, Mark Richt, at least not since the bush league, whole team storms the field after a TD against Florida thing. But this is fucking bullshit!
For a corporation that makes BILLIONS off the backs of unpaid young men, most of whom will never see a dime of compensation from playing football, they certainly are a high and mighty collection of cock suckers. A kid gets $1,000, and you're going to put him out four games? Here's my message to the NCAA... I think you know how it goes by now...
Further fuck you's associated with NCAA football go to the following:
Notre Dame's defense... now I have to hear every asshole Michigan fan talk about how great their team and Denard Robinson is the rest of the fucking week... thanks a whole fuckin lot, Irish!
Joe Montana's kid... for throwing that ugly, ugly pick against the Wolverines. Here's an idea, stop trying to follow in daddy's footsteps... maybe go take a few classes and become a PR guy... and teach your dad how to shut the fuck up once in a while.
Boise State haters... especially Nick Saban... look Saban, you want to show up on national TV and talk shit about Boise State's schedule, why don't you schedule them next year? For that matter, why didn't you or anybody else in your pussified conference schedule them? Virginia Tech was ranked #10 when the Broncos beat them... so they beat a top ten opponent. How many of those do you face, aside from in your own conference that you HAVE to play? You scheduled Penn State, an overrated #19 team if I've ever seen one. If Boise doesn't get a title shot this year, especially if the Big Ten/ Big 12/ SEC champs all have one loss and they're undefeated, they either need to quit playing the game or get a goddamn playoff system in place already so we can quit having this discussion.
Well, now that that's all off my chest, I'd like to send a final round of fuck you's to another group of people... this time in no way, shape or form connected to sports.
First off, let's go to pastor Terry Jones of Gainesville, FLA. Look, burning the Koran is probably a juvenile, dipshit kind of a thing to do... but if some jerkoff in Florida with a congregation of fifty is going to do it, how is that even newsworthy? Some backwoods, inbred asshole wants to burn books, let him do it, just don't give him the attention he wanted in the first place, let alone rile up the entire Muslim world, once again, over some insignifigant, trivial happening that maybe 100 people might see? Terry Jones, you are a douche... first for having this idea in the first place, second for making all this goddamn fuss about it and pussing out at the last minute. Look, Fred Phelps is a douchebag preacher, just like you, that has a group of blind assholes following him, willing to do stupid shit based on his biased and ignorant beliefs; but at least he's got a little follow-through! I might not agree with the man, his politics... hell, I'll come out and say it, I'd like to see him shot in the head! But at least he actually DOES something, not just make a bunch of noise and do NOTHING.
Second, fuck the media. If you assholes wouldn't have given this guy a platform, none of this would have ever happened. Here's an idea... next time a hot lead comes up that might piss off a bunch of Muslims across the globe, and put our troops and citizens abroad in danger... just ignore it. Moreso than Terry Jones, the media is to blame for even giving that fuckstick the time of day. Who cares what some "man of God" with maybe fifty followers wants to do in his spare time with a bunch of books? The very fact that this received the attention it got just goes to show you what a bunch of hate mongering, cash grabbing assholes really do work in the media today. Fuck you all.
Finally, fuck all you Muslims... "peaceful" or not... Here's an idea, next time somebody does something to piss you off... LET IT THE FUCK GO! There's no need to take to the streets, burn your OWN shit down, injure or kill your own people, just because some ignorant asshole halfway across the fucking world is burning a copy of your holy book. Honestly... is there nothing better going on over there? Next time something like this goes down, we need to air lift a crate of Hustlers and a crate of Jurgens to each and every major Muslim city across the globe... including Dearborn, right down the street from me! If nothing else, maybe it'll settle those fucks down a bit. And, while I'm at it... how about you just quit blowing everybody else's shit up and live your "peaceful" lives.
That's it for this week folks... thanks for reading, and as always, for any comments you leave on the way out.