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Sexy Action Sports Saturady
Category: FEATURED
Tags: MLB NFL NCAA Petrino Calipari Lions Tigers Yankees


  Happy Saturday Gabbers, and welcome to another edition of Sexy Action Sports Saturday with your old pal IHM. First things first, have to thank our old pal Zombie Jesus for getting me a paid holiday Friday… that’s right, I’m movin’ on up in the world. Day off, paid, and it’s just Good Friday. First paid holiday… EVER! Spent the day relaxing with the wife and son, eating at one of my old stomping grounds, and found a nice old whiskey jug for my collection while bumming around a resale/antique place. All-in-all, I’d call it a damn fine day off.

   A LOT to get to this week, and we’ll start things out with one of my least favorite people in all of sports, Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino. Seems Mr.Petrino’s reputation has taken yet another hit, as he was busted with his side piece when he crashed the motorcycle the two were riding around town. Went into a ditch, got picked up by a passing motorist and driven to the hospital, and told the guy not to call the cops. Seems like he was trying awfully hard to keep that side piece a secret… and for good reason, she was an employee of the Arkansas athletic department. Yep, looks like Bobby Petrino can add another accomplishment to his resume of douchebaggery… dipping the pen in company ink, not to mention cheating on his fucking wife and all. Hopefully Arkansas does the right thing and tosses this piece of trash where he belongs, right in the shit heap.

   This week wasn’t ALL bad for douchebag coaches… Monday night, Kentucky coach John Calipari finally got the job done on the big stage as the Wildcats beat Kansas to capture their first national title since 1996. And the way those jagoffs in Lexington reacted, you’d think they hadn’t won a fucking title in fifty years. Hell, my advice to the University of Kentucky… get that banner up as fast as you can. That way you can get some enjoyment out of it before 2-3 years down the road this asshole ends up busted AGAIN by the NCAA for some major infraction. By then, of course, he’ll be skipping down the road with a bag full of cash and a new job lined up… just like he’s done so many times before. I’d say I feel bad for the kids playing for him, but since this asshat makes his living on one-and-doners, there won’t be any kids he recruited LEFT to feel bad for.

   The real opening day for Major League Baseball happened just yesterday, with pitchers making the biggest impact. Many low scoring, old school games over the first several season debuts. The Tigers’ opener was no different. Jon Lester and Justin Verlander dueled for seven-plus innings until the Tigers finally broke through against Lester. Verlander wound up going eight innings, giving up zero runs and two hits. Then, Jose Valverde and his 51-game save streak stepped in to close things out. Sure enough, Valverde gave up two runs on three hits, and the Red Sox had tied things up. In the bottom of the ninth, however, Austin Jackson was able to bail Valverde out with his third hit of the ballgame, an RBI single, which plated the winning run. All-in-all, good to get the W on opening day. But the scary thing is Valverde really hasn’t been the same since late last season when he started going more with his fastball and less to his splitter. If he doesn’t find that splitter again, it could be a shaky year for the Tigers bullpen. Hopefully this was just an aberration, and he’ll start a new streak today in game #2 of this three game set with the Red Sox.

  At least Valverde wasn’t alone in blowing an opening-day save… Yankees’ closer Mariano Rivera, the all-time saves leader, gave up a 2-spot to the Rays in the bottom of the ninth to blow a Yankees win. All I can say to Mariano Rivera is keep up the good work!

   And before I get out of baseball here, just have to agree with Frag… that new Marlins ballpark is a fucking monstrosity. I mean, every part of it is ridiculous. The home run sculpture is quite possibly the worst part. I really hope somebody had to pay THEM to put that thing in.

   The thing that REALLY has me pissed off this week is over in the NFL. The Detroit Lions… more specifically, the Detroit Lions 2011 draft class. Their first pick, Auburn DT Nick Fairley, who played sparingly due to an injured foot throughout the season, was BUSTED Wednesday for possession of marijuana. The dumb bastard was driving around a Mobile, Alabama sub division speeding and “bumping” his music… sure enough, somebody calls the cops, and there’s dope in the car. Back on March 12th, second round pick Mikel Leshoure, who played in ZERO games last year for the Lions after an injury in the first pre-season practice, was popped for possession of the reefer for the second fucking time this month. That’s right, he was ALSO busted on March 1st for possession, a charge he never showed up in court for. How did he get busted, you ask… his dipshit friend was driving the car the two were traveling in, failed to signal for a lane change, and happened to be driving on a suspended license. Why was he driving on a suspended, you ask… because apparently Leshoure’s license is ALSO suspended. Apparently the 500 grand he made last year for doing NOTHING wasn’t enough for his stupid ass to get down to the fucking DMV and get his license renewed/reinstated.

   The real question here is what the fuck is wrong with these guys? You’re making millions of dollars to play a sport professionally… can’t you just pass on the blunt for 10-15 years, make your money, and if you really, really want to be a fucking dopehead that bad, retire and get back to your little “nature walks”? Look, I used to be a fucking pothead… about ten years or so ago, I’d smoke weed on just about a daily fucking basis. My brother AFD can testify to that… though he never sunk to my level, luckily for him. The difference here… I got a fucking job, and I needed to keep that fucking job, so I quit smoking the dope and grew the fuck up. These guys aren’t looking at some $400 a week, bullshit job. This is an opportunity to work ten years and never have to work another day in your fucking life. Really… is there ANYBODY out there that can explain this to me? (Aside from the obvious explaination of these two being fucking idiots) Oh, and also former Lions’ draftee Charles Rogers was booked on five charges Friday, including marijuana possession… just a nice little touch to cap off a shitty week for the Lions.

    Of course, these two aren’t the BIGGEST idiots of NFL potheads. Aside from the obvious Ricky Williams reference here, what about former Bengals WR Jerome Simpson, who the feds popped for having two fucking pounds of mary jane delivered to his home in Kentucky. Somehow, though, this fool got a plea deal where he’ll only serve 15 days in jail and 3 years probation. How the fuck does THAT work out? Kids get popped with a fucking dime bag in their pocket and end up with longer sentences than that… a hell of a lot longer. This asshole has two fucking pounds delivered to his house… if THAT doesn’t scream intent to distribute, I don’t know what does. Hell, maybe the Lions will sign him next week… he’s still looking for a new NFL team, and if he’d fit into any locker room right now, it’d be the fucking dopehead Lions’.

   That’s what I’ve got for the week, folks. Thanks for reading, and as always, for any comments you leave on your way out. Enjoy your weekends, and Happy Easter Gabbers.

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